Trust

Learning to let go of insecurity,
learning to lay it down and take hope
why do I find it so hard?

You hold the world in Your hands,
creation, in its seemingly infinite continuity, and unpredictable uncertainty
exists as a defined constant to You.
You transcend time, for creation can never bind the creator
My past, my present, my future,
You view in your incomprehensible Now,
and You have promised it to be good

So who am I, a mortal man, that i dare to doubt Your word?
Through Your Word alone, i came into existance,
and by accepting Your word, I have been redeemed.
is it then within my capacity to doubt that which caused and sustains my existance?

As i ponder about this matter,
I am utterly convinced of what a lowly, flippant despicable human being I really am
I foolishly trust in myself and in circumstance,
while i dare to doubt the constant that remains through all eternity.

Lord teach me not to despair,
but to look past my failings and to Your abundant grace.
Help me to all but disappear in view of Your amazing reality
Tear down the stronghold of cynicism and doubt.
Where fear and confusion once festered,
let there arise faith, hope and charity.
Help me to remain steadfast in my will,
holding on to Your promises, that you "will never leave me nor forsake me"
and that "the plans you have for me, will prosper me not harm me"
Teach me to trust in You

sobering up

finally woke up from all the apathy
guess i have to give all thanks to God for not letting me go
He did so much for me, and yet im so ungrateful
the reality of it all, really hurts

anyways, i thought i would write this,
to encourage all going through a hard time, much like mine
this time of, hmm wad word should i use, umm well change i guess
has really shown me, how little i really have grown,
and ya, how much more i need to grow
i guess i cant be satisfied anymore


Lost and alone,
i walked in the cold,
looking for someone to lighten the load
but there no comfort availed, in this world of regrets,
i walk on, empty, forlorn, without hope.

Yet He came
from somewhere above
perfect, without sin, and eyes full of love,
he bled and he died, for a sinner like me
to bring salvation, of which i'm unworthy

even then
we struggle to please him
in our carnality, we stumble and fall
we try to persevere, for somewhere above
a pair of scarred hands, embraces us with love

i stop to gather myself
why the recent condition of my heart?
why the coldness, hardness and rebellion

could it be bcos the minisitry is heading in a direction i no longer want to head in?
could it be tt i feel lost without the ppl i considered my mentors,
now tt they are dealing with a drastic change in their lives?
could it be all the penned up fustration and anger?
wadeva it is,
im finding myself lost and confused
i no longer know where i want to go
and im no longer sure of myself,
of who i am anymore

and then there's you,
the ppl who are supposedly authority over me
u tell me of how u have "more experience than me"
but you don't lord it over me
you tell me tt not being transparent is pride
you tell me tt my not confiding in you means i dont trust Him
means i dont confide in Him

well, im sorry if i dont meet ur expectations
im sorry if im too insecure to be able to trust you
im sorry if i dont find the merits of you being my "leaders" enough to win my trust
im sorry tt perhaps bcos of past issues, i find myself only able to openly confide in a handful of ppl

maybe ur right
maybe i am being proud
maybe i am being arrogant
maybe i dont have a relationship with Him
maybe i dont trust Him

but im afraid all you've succeed in doing is to irk me
you waltz in here, and u expect me to open up to you
what makes you so deserving of my trust?
what have you done for me?
how have you proven urself trust worthy?

you tell me tt if i cant trust you, who i can see, tt i can't trust God who i cant see

Let me ask you this: There was a time when i used to cry to God every night, and i had no one else to confide with. Where were you during those times?
during those times i could only trust in God, and it was only thanks to him tt i made it through, i didnt even know who the heck you were back then
and now you come telling me tt if i cant trust you, i cant trust Him?
what gives you the right to insult everything He has done for me like tt

you say tt i give you disrespect,
well
i agree with you
cos i find myself losing respect for you with every other word that you say

lifeline

hanging onto strands of reality
i barely hold on
truths i thought so certain,
i struggle to hold fast to

a horde of vague and obscure sentiments crash down around me
the path i tread now hazy in my sight,
barely persevering
barely holding on

being dragged along,
the waves and billows of circumstance
they wash over me,
tired of being tossed around,
i want to cut the lifeline

but i hesitate

something in me just won't let go
deep-set in my mind
a memory etched from a time i want to forget:

those nights when i cried alone
in all that pain and distress
he was there
embracing me
comforting me

am i to let go of hope, of love, of the only source of joy i ever knew
to give up the only thing i find worth living for?

i close my eyes to stem the tears,
and cling on
dont let me go

Broken

Broken, stricken, desolated.
have i walked away from everything i once held dear?
the principles i held so dearly, the treasures i held so close,
have i in a moment of folly squanded them all?

Delibrately walking in the other direction,
letting go, falling away, slipping, sliding, turning back, growing cold, walking away
is that all that is left of me, a broken shell?
few notice, but the fire inside has died down,
no longer that spark, that light inside

how long can i run,
how long can my back be turned on Nineveh?
till the storms come, till i get thrown overboard
till i get so completely engulfed i have no choice than to turn back?

seem now so far away,
indulging in carnality,
it seems so easy when compassion and love are not neccessary
sure it feels empty, a fake substitute
but i'm unwilling to return,
not completely willing at the least

is that all that's left of me?
not sure of wad i am anymore
God help me please.
i know i cant let go of you,
but just find it so hard to return back