mmm
after having floated around so long
i think its true that my spiritual life has taken a hit
and while i think its sound advice to tell people to try and settle down soon
i think its advice that also doesnt address the deeper issues
such as wariness, picky-ness and the more metaphysical issues

do i want to settle down
yes
and no

sure, i want to have a place i can call a home church again,
a service i'll be at
a group i'll label church friends
familiarity with people and stuff
a vision and mission i'll be sold out for and all that

but i think as one matures, u'll realise that all these have their costs, and are not as simple and clear cut
vision and mission are critical, but i need to be in a place where i can live with what the church believes and aims for
people are great
but inherently problematic
and i think the only thing that will make me stick around, and tolerate all the rough sides
is the knowledge that God wants me there

glen has told me several times that often times, the reasons behind church are very pragmatic
and im realising thats true
but im also a sucker for the metaphysical purpose
and that fluff and chaff about calling
and being placed
so how does deciding on pragmatic stand points agree with this

i think im aslo slipping away
i think part of it has to do with disappointment with God
part of it is because going to church, and quiet time dont seem so lucrative
and without a slave driver enforcing these things
mmm

i still know that God loves but im not sure if i believe it
im not so sure if i love God
never did enough
now im not even sure if can even be considered love, or whether it was some good feeling i got out of emotional highs, and good atmosphere

the problem is
its harder to return
ive been schooled too long in the christian way of speech and know the christian way of thought
i can even make myself sound theologically sound and mature if i want to

i know what it'll cost to say i want back
which makes it so much harder

reminds me of the movie taken
when liam neeson's character was asked
why are u so paranoid
to which he answered
im not paranoid, im aware

i know all i need is to want to want to get back
but im not sure if i can even get to that stage

it really makes intriguing footage
documenting my own slide from grace

this is long overdue

its an ode to a great friend

a wonderful leader

a beautiful person

and the man whose fan club i am the president of

timothy wan

happy belated bdae dude

the view is much different, staring down from the edge and looking up from the bottom of a pit

seems from down here, all my good advice, and previous good intentions all come to naught
all my experience and wit seem to only help me run away

sun tzu knew well, retreating was always the smarter choice

i feel like im becoming more and more and empty shell
like ive been deflated
no more metaphysical purpose for existance

the doughnut man was right
life without jesus is like a donut
cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart

but i burnt the bridge behind me
and i dont know a way back
feel too much that its all a farce
even though i know better

i seem to have run out of will to find a way back
fallen into this bog of black bile and phlegm of my own making

someone wake me from this dark night of the soul

omg omg omg
tonight was just one of the best nights ever

group of friends, chilling at timbre
good music
decent pizzas
great erdinger

and of course
jason mraz's lucky

i mean,
yeah
we did spot adrian pang there and all

but he didnt do a rerun of much ado about nothing
so no great show

but tim wan/handsome wan
got on stage on my behalf and co-sang lucky

omg
this is officially my fav life performance, even if its only one song
so move over lifehouse
hahahhaha

ive always thought the 21st bdae thing was overated
but tonight was just brilliant

thanks to all the ppl who turned up
in no particular order, well maybe height
yvonne eng, ian lau, emm gay
joel ong, aloy, chao yuan
nic and tim
and yeah thanks pris and soph for the lovely cake, walnut that tasted like carrot

thanks much