attempted incoherence

went down life con auditions/interview ytd to help out with the interviews
was really fun,
probably because its like the most meaningful thing ive done in awhile
seeing all the juniors,
doing stuff, putting in late nights
kinda makes me jealous
i guess im missing it,
that cause
the thing u burn yourself out for

mmm
the interviewing part was fun, you get to ask ppl weird questions and to throw monkey wrenches
and observe a case study in communication
the things they say, and the things they dont
the eloquence and the eye contact or the lack of both
the posture and the way they drum the table

mmm
what i didnt like was how after that, we had to grade their "spirituality"
like that should ever be our job
who are we to conclude he has a pride issue or she's immature
like we can ever know
its a responsibility to big for us
that such an opportunity is dependent on whether an acquaintance of 5 min vouches for you

but i suppose we put up with shortfalls and necessary evils?
we call the dice best we can, cross our fingers and hope our choice doesnt disappoint
cos we will only really know afterwards


but hey if we're really to be pragmatic,
....
well in the name of pragmatism, i shall keep my views to myself

maybe thats why im the one who's distant and uninvolved
because i conform only out of convenience
and i harbour dangerous, anarchical thoughts

this world is an ugly place
and we are all ugly people
but its bigger than us,
more than the whole or the sum of the parts
the dream bigger than the world
this thing called love
i guess thats whats life concerts about
and thats why its bigger than you or me

they say love is a feeling, a sentiment a notion
i guess they're right
on the good days at least
but im starting to realise that behind its gay, paper facade
its alot stouter, and sterner than we'd prefer
unyielding, unbending, insatiable blaze
some days passionate but mostly a cold still burn

maybe i do love you
not the way you'd want but still

honestly im jealous of you
we all need to be needed
maybe you get that in excess but excess is better than shortfall anyday right?

i said yesterday that people, (dumb ones not included) generally dont blog (private blogs not counting) what they really feel and think, but what they would like others to read/see unless the two correspond... but i guess i was wrong
we blog cryptically or openly, either way too obvious in our depraved mindset
stuff we really feel and think, stuff that shouldnt be shared
but we share it anyways
wholesale to any taker
we comfort ourselves that he/she wont guess, or understand, that they cant take context without it being spelled out
but inside we know that they know we want them to know

we do this, put our face and reputation to jeopardy
why?
because we yearn to be known
we yearn for others to see the small person behind the big mask
hate us condemn us, reject us
just know who we are,
no need to love us in return, just take stock of our love
we're just too small and too timid to declare it outloud, we'd rather die than get embarrased
but it kills us anyway when nobody realises
so to hell with the consequences
like faust, we're signing the dotted line
for a good run
maybe it will be enough


yeah rite

ive been using my utmost for his highest for my quiet time
read something recently that i think is very poignant
so im blogging about it
it wasnt the main theme for the day
but it was mentioned how the gospel shd be the central focus of our christianity, not personal holiness
that personal holiness is just a by-product
and that focusing on it primarily doesnt help us to grow,

i think ive got to rediscover what my christianity means to me?
not that ive been doing alot of it
not that ive been consumed and obsessed with holiness
but i think for me the gospel was nowhere the centre of my christian life

im ashamed of the gospel
at least i cringe when ppl lack subtility in sharing their faith
or when they proclaim it in public

to me i was satisfied when ppl just saw how i wasnt doing the same things as them,
that i was "holy" and set apart
that i didnt do certain things because i thought them below me

but that isnt christianity
at least not the main point of it
i think i can still count with one hand the number of occasions i shared the gospel on a personal level?
while some at least try to invite ppl for evangelistic events
i dont really see the point?

i think ive got to learn now what it means to be a christian
to testify of salvation, my salvation

i think if the good news really belongs to us
we'll want it to share it with everyone
excitement and joy will come naturally
oh wells

saw this really cool video on youtube
called cardboard testimonies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

reclusion-anberlin

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
If a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide