the pork chops turned out not bad
and bjj today was fun, even though i grappled mostly with intermediate guys
and ended up getting thrashed

glen lent me a book on conflict in a church and how to maintain sanity
ive only read the first chapter and i think its speaking loads to me already

i think ive honestly lost trust in the church as a collective whole due to my past experiences
its not that the churches ive visited to have been badly flawed
although every church isnt perfect
its just
im scared i guess, of having to face the flaws of any church again and potentially have to let myself be hurt by them

i have an even bigger aversion to cell groups
cos
well i think my past experiences having been shuffled from one cell to the next has left me subconsciously disillusioned and wary of opening up in any cell again

being brutally honest, i think im more open to guys i meet at the bjj class?
at least they'll only hurt me physically by accident, and maybe squash my ego abit

the u2ish post wasnt really directed at anybody?
i guess i was really just trying to voice out my disillusionment

im constantly amazed at how much of an imbecile and buffoon i am

seems that i wont be satiated till i break down every good thing i have going for me
sorry

for those who dont know,
my previous post basically blatantly copied numerous lines from my fav U2 songs

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte
very provoking clip
although the filmatography isnt that good
i guess the message it brings across is graphic enough

have you come to play Jesus to the lepers in my head

spirit moonshine, marmalade melodies
cheapest feel-good in a sixpack
for all the lonely, broken and homeless, heaven in an autoinjector
pilgrims, poor, parched, seeking for the holy grail
for the well that never dries
but all they stock is turkish delight

drum roll, the minor second
anthem belted out in nasal twangs
fill in the jazz keys
and wala
instant fragrance

but the chords fail to tug
seed falling on a hardened heart

you think you've got the stuff
but you left a bad taste in my mouth

but hey
even Jesus got served cheap wine when he hung on the cross

overheard a boy asking his father about the meaning of the word chauvanist
the boy seemed very amused with the answer, and so was i
mmm
oh wells
maybe im just incredibly immature

medics bbq was fun
wasnt as rowdy, and crazy as previous ones
i think our juniors havent really mashed together yet
stayed overnight with derek and brandon
playing a version of tai tee, laughing at some anthony hopkins psychothriller on tv and lame jokes so loud that they came to tell us to keep the noise down

mmm
experimenting in the kitchens been quite fun
one useful thing i learnt is that if u have overripe bananas
u shd peel them
then freeze them

they make good smoothies, cos they give a creamy texture
so u dun have to use ice cream or ice cubes

i just miss doing sound so so much

anyways, i think ive become overtechnical when it comes to worship
i tend to preempt the ques and expect the riffs,
and i burst out laughing when i notice a slip the musician manages to cover up
mmmm

i miss doing sound so so much

recently had the privilege of visiting the house of a family who's dad is in the coffee business
so i got to learn more abt beans, grinds, roast
and the inner workings of an espresso machine
mmmm

anyways, i think the dark cherry mocha at starbucks is kinda nice?
haha
but dun rely on me for recommendations

i like coffee, but i wont claim to be a connoisseur
my taste is far too eclectic for that
i used to be a black coffee purist
at starbucks, it would always be a americano with an extra shot
but recently i think ive mellowed
nowadays, ive gone on to lattes, vanilla lattes, and fraps
rasberry frap plus java chip

so anyways
bought a cook book at borders just now
after the tuesday bjj class ive been attending

haha
quite funny
took recommendations from this vegan
sorry correction
non-lactose vegetarian
or something

bjj's becoming more and more fun
i guess it has to do with getting some idea of the basics
actually knowing whats going on when ur rolling on the floor
and actually managing to fight back a bit
haha
i think this post has been far too randomn
maybe i think too many blows to the head at class just now
bodies aching now
should try not to go to gym the day before class days

i think its a real cool idea to count one's blessings on ones fb/lj/blog/twitter/whatever
sorry
im technologically backwards

mmm
unfortunately im not very good at being optimistic/thankful
but yeah
i'd like to really thank God for all the kick ass kindred spirits He's put on my path
mmm
actually im uncomfortable with the term kindred spirit as it implies a certain level of sameness and empathy
ok
i mean, i think they're great people, just that maybe my wavelength is on the flipside of the spectrum
sometimes i dun really get them....
mm i think they're the normal bunch its probably me who's strange

so anyways
thank You God for all the good ppl you've put in my way,
for all the friendliness, nagging, love and support they show me

thank You God, that even though i get really disillusioned with christianity
really disillusioned with church, and its various institutions and systems
and sometimes with both You and myself
that You are faithful
and that You place really nice christian brothers and sisters in my way to keep me sane

thank You God, that even though ive been an antisocial, moody/grumpy, irritating, unkind, unfeeling, angsty person
that You've still provided me with friends

i dun think i have the stamina or the mental discipline to continue posting about my Europe trip...
i mean Venice was really beautiful
the sinking city and all that
probably the most beautiful place Ive ever been
extremely romantic,
picturesque sunset
lovely ancient buildings
interesting (and overpriced) local cuisine
best gelato in italy
mask workshops
and the like

but i guess i kinda feel its hard to translate the essence of it to others
unless of course i can post pics of it online or something
but as you should know by now
something screwed up happened to my camera
and thus the pics i took there no longer exist
so in accordance with the emotional angst i feel when i think back on how my camera was stolen
i shall not go on about the rest of the trip

mmmm

anyways
the past weekend has been really really interesting

bjj has been more fun than i imagined
although as a newbie, ive been getting owned by various ppl of various age grps
there's something real and honest about struggling to keep yourself from getting choked or getting ur arm cranked or broken
some addictive reality in trying to hold your own

but im thinking its a guy thing?

oh wells

was asked some very poignant and mentally provocative questions during a lift i got home from a friend
something along the lines of why i havent settled down in a church yet

let me start by saying i really appreciate the friends around me
who have taken an interest to
and bothered to ask and check if im still attendind a church
and stuff

im entirely comfortable with questions of that scope
even though sometimes i dont answer

i dont give a straight answer, not because i want to evade the question
but because i dont have a straight answer to give

its just like how i dont really have a straight answer for why i left my previous church
sure i have several versions
and each, entirely true within their scope(meaning they're not lies, its just that in life, theres often more than one true answer, just some more close to the heart of the matter than others)

mmmm
so why havent i settled down yet
well the answer i gave the person was that the incidents and circumstances in my previous church werent very pleasant, and thus i was kinda put off and traumatised
so im being slow to settle down again

its kind of true
well
im not really emotionally scarred
i think/hope
just that ive become really wary
wary of getting to used to another group of way of doing church
wary of committing to a shared vision that ends up too caught up in the fine print
wary of what comes along with church membership- having to take both the good and the bad the church brings
during easter when i happened to visit a particular church
some really friendly guy whom i sat next to attempted to talk to me during altar call
he somehow reasoned that a fundamental step in christianity was to join a cell group
i admired his enthusiasm and so refrained from laughing in his face, wringing his neck and making a crude joke out of him
yes,
there is a major overlap between going for a cell group
and having a blossoming relationship with Jesus Christ
but its not rational causation
its co-relation
not very significant co-relation either
not everyone attends a cell for the right reasons
and not every cell helps draw a person closer to God successfully
its just what a cell is SUPPOSED to do
many cells fail

i suppose its what we tell every new believer
that joining a cell is the good and right thing to do
and it is
just that we forgot to tell them
that like the church
cells also are frail constructs, liable to missing their objectives
they sometimes end up cliquish, or like a social club
and exclude ppl, or connect on a really shallow level

as u probably can figure out
im really disillusioned with churches and cells

mmm
so on to the many other reasons why i havent settled down yet

its not that i havent found a great church yet
in fact ive visited several really wonderful churches
i mean every church has its flaws
but ive been to some where the flaws seem quite small compared to what God is doing there
and the ministry annoiting/direction and all that?

i think one of the real reasons is i have no idea what im looking for in a church
i mean
how does anyone really decide where the right place is
isit dependant on comfort
or how on fire the other people are
or whether u identify with the mission and values of the ministry
or you can mix with the people real well
or isit dependant on whether u can flow with the style of worship, find the preaching meaninful/interesting and such
or like my admitted weakness, fall in love with the expensive sound system, and technicalities of the band
or are you supposed to hear that booming/still small voice of God which tells you and makes it plain in bold letters that that is the place for you

so far ive not seen any neon signs of big thumbs/fingers pointing to the place im supposed to settle in

what im trying to say is
ive been to a couple of places i guess i wouldnt mind
but i have no idea how to decide

i guess one of the reasons thats probably more true
is that the problem is me
i have my pride
which is quite big
and my comfort zone
which honestly isnt very big
i guess ive been too used to being something or someone in a church
too used to being the one asking other ppl to come visit
or settle down
now suddenly im the lost sheep
and while i know that other ppl dun see it as a big deal
my mind still allows itself to be tricked into thinking ppl think differently about me because ive been church hopping
i dun really want to start from scratch
build new friendships and all that, start service from the beginning, do the socratic irony thing
and all that involved with being the new guy

maybe its Gods way of revealing my pride problem
the pharisee in me
showing me to be that white washed tomb
too caught up in my own holiness/ state of respect in church

and lastly(well the last reason i'll share on my blog)
i think part of me still is angry at myself/other ppl/God
for allowing what happened to happen
im still grieving somewhere, although being not emotionally sensitive, i cant tell im in a state of mourning, so i label it as just another mood
and so im doing what i do best
running away
or as i tell some ppl,
im not physically capable of running
so im just peramulating as swiftly as i can in the other direction

thanks again, if uve been bothering about me
putting up and swallowing my lame half excuses, whining, mock embarassment and mock ignorance
inviting me again and again even though i make it seem i dun really want to go
cause i really do and i dont at the same time?
im not sure if its easy to understand
i really appreciate the care or at least i know i should
but its not easy on me
and i havent been easy on you
well do continue to invite me,
i'll try to appear more enthusiastic

i know i can really be an asshole sometimes, well most of the time
its been touching to know i have friends who bother abt my spiritual state

mmm
one crude observation
its funny in church how ppl will chat up a new person, and if they find out he's a christian, they kinda put an abrupt end to the conversation
this isnt a wide spread observation
and actually ive been chatted up by ppl who actually bother to go beyond that stage and try to get to know me?
but i dunno
im not easily pleased i guess

this shall be a post full of videos of this guy called roby duke
one of the most technically amazing and gifted christian musicians ever
also one of the most eccentric...
mmmm
you might find his style kind of insulting, in the way he goes about presenting certain songs
but i guess genius is easily misunderstood

for this one u need to get pass the 3rd min cos he's busy doing his warm up up till then


this one is also kinda cranky but its cool how he involves the crowd
get pass one minute plus of his warm up first

The free iPersonic Personality Test

now to blog abt florence
gosh, i think by the time i finish on italy alone, i'll probably give up blogging about it
so anyways
mm
florence
beautiful place, but i guess saying that is of no point, cos most er tourist friendly places in italy generally are
so much different from singapore
did i ever say i hate singapore?
there's nothing to do, almost nothing to see
the air is warm and humid, u walk a bit and u get drenched
the mozzys strike at the worse possible times
its boring and its irritating
gosh
so anyways
back to florence which is beautiful
they have the biggest church dome ever
the duomo, which i think just means big church dome or something
although i think the duomo's of the vatican and milan are much nicer looking from the outside
this one is the highest
and guess what
no lift
they have to be the special one's who decide that a lift would not be aesthetic
its a nice long climb up
winding staircases, constricted passageways which slant sidewards
so u have to walk leaning diagonally for some stretches
430something steps
and some of the flights of steps seem to go on around and around forever
good for the claustrophobic at heart
at least u die somewhere high up in a church
hahaha
near to God
anyways

florence is famous for some amazing art galleries
which if u ask me
are too full of beautiful artwork
too many beautiful ceilings as well
they have so many statues
they put some out in the normal corridors
mmm

florence is also famous for its leather market
which is like a flea market
just that flea markets usually dont have so many leather goods
san lorenzo market is dotted by leather stores(kinda makeshift) but u need a license
and they usually have a leather workshop round the back
where u can walk in and see huge sheets of leather still being cut
its an experience in itself to haggle with these people for their leather goods
you can hear all sorts of reasons for "discounts"
all sorts of people sell leather there
we even met this aussie lady who was selling bags there
i suspect ppl go there and sell leather for a few years just to meet people

the food is also pretty good
theres ribolitta which is a "soup", a vegan one, though it seems more like paste, which u eat with bread
or at least they give u bread under the cover charge
then there's bistecca alla florentina
which is a huge slab of beef,
which must be thick
so they grill it
so the outsides are slightly burnt while the inside is raw
gelato's also pretty good
slightly better than rome
i think
although the best was venice


there was also this nice leather and book store, which sells handmade leather bound books

there were also alot artisans in certain districts
whom peddle their wares in unadvertised, unlabeled workshops
from custom chess sets
to specialty glove shops
to modern sculptures

mmmm
oh wells
my body is still aching from the trial bjj lesson
i think im going off now

Hang On To You

And I'll hang on to you
'Cos you're stronger and you keep me from falling
And you brighten the world with your beauty
Keep me closer I'm calling

Looking out like a little child
Holding tight when it all gets wild

And I'll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through
Only you
And I'll hang on to you
Everyday I live, I give to You

And your love it is true
I feel stronger and I'm happy to know you
'Cos you shine like the sun and you're brighter
Than the darkness that's falling

Nothing in this world could ever take your place
Happiness is found in your holy face
In your warm embrace

I shall start with the first with Rome

Rome doesnt enchant like florence, nor does it romance one like venice does
but its surreal in its own right
there's this subtle grandeur of seeing the Colosseum down the street from your hotel
or wandering through a random street to stumble upon a well adorned fountain, or a faded mosaic
something cool about seeing blocks of broken marble lying around with latin inscriptions
or seeing the remnants of a temple to Julius Caesar,
Rome works on the imagination
makes you feel as if ur treading on the very streets ancient romans once walked
rubbing shoulders with plebians in togas

the vatican is quite impressive too
its museum has one of the biggest collection of art
you can see rooms full of rows of cool marble statues, ancient tapestries, beautiful paintings
and of course there is the sistine chapel
the only drawbacks are that theres so much art there, you get abit numb to seeing beautiful paintings and anatomically accurate statues
alot of the nicer paintings/embellishments are on the ceiling, so you'll end the day with a strained neck

carbonara is supposed to be a Roman specialty
i only tried it once at some road side cafe
wasnt too impressed

what really drew me to rome is that u can sit at a cafe at a big piazza, which is basically a square, see a nice fountain in the background
while a bunch of ppl, with intsruments, accordian included
beat out some folksy tune
one good thing Rome has plentifully is a large number of big squares with nice fountains, with a gelato shop or a cafe nearby

mmm
if i feel like it maybe i'll blog abt the other places i visited on the trip