im so so tired
and i have no idea what to do

cant i just sleep this one out?

we're like wildflowers
tossed aside after we wilt
becoming no more than compost

but such is our eternal glory
that ephermal blooming
once and no more

and death

from which any real life starts

Broken - Lifehouse

im stealing this off dudleys blog, because... hahah no one is allowed to post a lifehouse song without me posting it too =p
but really this song goes out to all those rejects, those without hope, without purpose
who hold on to a promise for dear life
because we have no other to hold onto

the broken clock is a comfort
it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
and i am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best
like you've already figured out

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
i find meaning
so I'm holding on
holding on, holding on
i'm barely holding on to you.

the broken locks is a warning
you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded
i'm an open book instead
i still see your reflection
inside of my eyes
they are looking for purpose
they're still looking for life

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
I find meaning
so I'm holding on
im still Holding on, im still holding
i'm barely holding on to you.


im hanging on
another day
just to see what
you would throw my way
and im hanging on
to the words you say
you said that i will
will be okay

the broken light on the freeway
left me here alone
i may have lost my way now
but havent forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart
i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
in the pain
there is healing
in Your name
i find meaning
so I'm holding on
i'm still holding, i'm still holding
i'm barely holding on to you.

?summer's gone and shot himself
and we're stranded in the wake

so now the leaves are off the trees
and the fields lose their golden promise

one by the one the sparrows fly
off to evergreens

but im tied down in rural county
by bonds not unkindly

no more good men left in these parts
they're off seeking a star

the forlorn left to tend dying embers
poor gypsies misfits sad clowns

winters coming so they say
bramble, thistles frost and snow

will the lake freeze over
will our hearts grow cold

bleak at its bleakest,
can hope survive

but we were made for higher winds and awesome storms
we were made for open skies
bring winter, that unrelenting jezebel
raise the winds of assyrian ire

cos today we soar, we fly
today we come alive

Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

so heres the promised blogpost
anyways the scoop
leslie poh is probably attached
my proof- no normal guy talks on the phone to another guy for an hour on a saturday night
and yeah, he's been saying its time or something along those lines?
whahahahhhaha

so there
and no matter how vehemently he tries to defend himself,
its probably some vain attempt to cover his tracks and misdirect us
no matter what kind of figures and proofs he tries to throw my way,
theres no mathematical way he can prove his innocence
so i can choose to be unconvinced
and there we have the dilemma of truth for a postmordernist

mmmmm
read in hosea how mercy and truth were not found in israel
and from that we can infer that mercy and truth are important
(some annotations state that mercy in this case refers to devotion to God)
and it is true
that truth is important

but we live in an age which teaches us that truth isnt absolute
that it is relative and we make our own truths?

and as much as it is true
that for many of us, the bible is true and God is real because we choose to believe it
it isnt a complete view
as even if we dont believe it still would be true
but we have no way of proving it?
but thats the problem of postmordenism?
u cant prove anything because perception has the plausability of being skewed?

i wont go into a defence about truth
but i will say this
i think it is true on one hand that anything people tell us or we find out ourselves has a high probability of being coloured?
and that its quite impossible for us to grasp truth on our own

but i believe God, if He is truth and being God he must be, can reveal truth to us
(this is kinda a defence against agnosticism as well?)
but yeah
of course then we raise the issue that because of the free will He gave us
we can choose to accept or reject the truth He presents to us
but thats a seperate issue?
and so in all things and towards all sources of "wisdom" and "knowledge coupled with good intent"
we have to practice the art of being critical
asking God to come guide us into truth

thats my beef at this time
because with all the shit thats going on around me
and so many well meaning and good intentioned people(i find these sort of ppl the most irritating by the way)
id say this much at risk of insulting the whole lot?
but i dont believe a single one of them at face value
i mean im sure that some of them may be right
and maybe in some way, they all may be right, but theres some miscommunication on both sides
but it doesnt matter
i have the truth God gives me
and thats enough
i have to trust that He is soveriegn enough over my common sense and judgement
and so i'll believe this
that i just walk right now where He asks me to walk
and stay or leave at a whims notice according to how i feel Him directing
and i owe no one explanation or justification
because its my spiritual life on the line here
church life, community life, blahhhh
its important
but if i forfeit my own walk with good
i become as good as a pharisee
which i must admit is quite attractive

Oh God, may truth be inscribed on my heart
may it permeate my being and bring the freedom You promised
to live in truth, to be found in You

Our iniquities are many,
we are wanton like those without restraint
save me from my sin, into Your presence
let mercy flow like a river

to speak Your truth
to be Your light

havent visited this place in awhile
hahaha,
not that there's much external motivation to blog
mmm not that there isnt much to blog about
cos there's been alot going on recently? u know like when shit hits the fan, we all get a fair share?
but yeah
havent felt up to it

mmmm
id love to say its because of writers block?
but that would be terribly egoistical because it would assume that i normally am linguistical and creative?
but im not
actually the norm is me usually having nothing to say, occasionally intermitten by splotches of half boiled half sane, cranky, verbal diahorrea

mmm
i usually like to blog after taking long, senseless walks on saturday nights
by long and senseless i mean hour long affairs, whereby any other sane, pragmatic person would hop on a passing bus and cover the ground between the 7-8 bus stops in between while i choose to take in the sights, or at least the lack of it, on foot.....

mmm
today or well since its one in the morning,
yesterday, i took a nice stroll from novena united square to one stop before casurina
mmmm
im not a health freak or fitness enthusiast?
if anything it was probably to absolve the incurred guilt of 4 donuts?

i think there should be some human rights decree whereby people arent forced to consume more donuts than they want to?
3 were willing iniquities... the fourth one was the penalty for loosing some lame chinese number game

so anyways
mmm
actually for same reason im reminded of that all-american legend/hero forest gump
my second most favourite american
hahahah
my first favourite american is george w. bush
for so candidly and naturally, revealing unabashedly the hoax and joke that is the office of the american presidency?
so anyways,
our loveable, semi-retard of an american folk hero after his mother dies
takes a lovely long run across america several times
(u'd realise that no one notices the plot hole that he doesnt need to eat)

mmm
ive actually been meaning, and considering to blog abt the topic of dreams

but every time, i think about it
i find myself not in a position to talk about it?
not that i dont have dreams, or disbelieve in them
cos i do have them
and not the flippant sort about ramly burgers or doing stage dives

the dreams worth having are the epic ones
sadly they're the ones abit beyond us as well

i usually dont
tell people about my dreams
not that im scared they'd laugh at me or look down on my dreams
but because i guess i realise how far i am from them and how they're out of my league

dreams empower people to take steps to greatness
but it hurts
when i look back and realise its been 6 years and im no closer to my dreams?

maybe my dreaming affects my ability to settle down and embrace my status quo
but mmm
i cant be one of those, who'd rather embrace present circumstances instead of what could be or should be?

so after a week plus of consideration
i still have no idea what to do with my dreams
bleagh

"Silence" by jars of clay(maybe my next blog song, not that it counts or anyone listens to it)


[verse]

Take

Take till there's nothing

Nothing to turn to

Nothing when you get through

Won't you break

Scattered pieces of all I've been

Bowing to all I've been

Running to

Where are you?

Where are you?



[verse]

Did you leave me unbreakable?

You leave me frozen?

I've never felt so cold

I thought you were silent

And I thought you left me

For the wreckage and the waste

On an empty beach of faith

Was it true?



[chorus]

Cuz I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?



[verse]

Scream

Deeper I wanna scream

I want you to hear me

I want you to find me

Cuz I...I want to believe

But all I pray is wrong

And all I claim is gone



[chorus]

And I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?

Yeah....yeah

And where...I...I got a question

I got a question

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

so, ive got nothing left
and if you so choose to practice the good art of approximation
i guess i am nothing
emptiness is strange
maybe this is my caricature of hell

all the nutters from the zoo
will bleed you dry and spit on you

till we have faces of our own
ones that hold together, by Your grace

oh to sing Your praise
to behold the wonder of Your face

there only seems to be silence left