back from a 5 days 4 nights camp at changi
so i had no mid term break effectively

not that it was a total waste of time
i mean sure
i managed to get over things i never thought myself doing
but no who really talks about those kinda stuff
like anybody really cares if i overcame my fears

but i think i did learn more about life
and i did meet some interesting people

an excerpt from a book im reading
bits of me are falling apart by William leith
humourous, but i have no idea why im reading it
since its abt some middle age guys crisis

I stride on, holding today's baton. It contains the woes of the world, stories about guns, about young people with guns, about the nervous market, about this year's good exam results, which are the result of a con, a Ponzi scheme, and which, therefore, are not good exam results. They are bad exam results. The baton tells me about the death of love and the end of sport and the baton asks why.

The baton does not know.

The baton does not really want to know.

The coffee has made me waspish and edgy. But the endorphins from walking are making me loose and relaxed. A perfect combination you may think. It's like speedball, the heroine to make you loose and the cocaine to perk you up- I was going to say poor man's speedball, but thats not what i mean.

I dont do drugs now.

Now i do my 15000 steps every day.

Now im marching along, towards the river and supermarket, with its Alpine cupola, passing the specialist underwear outlet, holding the baton that contains the woes of the world.

'Why?' says the baton.

But the baton does not want to know. Everything falling apart, kids with guns, banks not able to explain where their money's gone, house price's crazy, monogamy on its last legs, levels of unhappiness soaring, levels of clinical depression off the scale, graffiti everywhere, perverts looming, children missing. What was it Joan Didion said? The centre is not holding, that's right- the centre is not holding, a quote from somebody, Yeats i think, not sure but I tinhk it's Yeats, Didion writing about the San Franscisco of 1967, telling us about the coldness and alienation that went along with the sex and drugs, and now things are the same apart from oen detail, which is that the coldness and alientation have a corporate feel, and my instinct here is to say things should be fine, but they're not, things should be fine, but we're not happy, really not happy at all, when you think about the fact that we're so incredibly comfortable it seems weird that we're not happy, but our comfort comes at a price, it comes at a high price. There's something murky and wrong about our way of life, something shifty and treacherous, and we can feel it, can't we, and it's beginning to tell, things are starting to give, things are starting to run out. We're eating away at the seed capital. We're using up the telomeres. We cant' go on doing things the way we're doing them, can't borrow any more, can't write anymore cheques. These are the woes of the world.

'Why?' says the baton.

But the baton does not really want to know.

And as i march along, approaching Bobby who is a heroine addict-turned-alcoholic sitting on a bench, sunning his wide red face - as i march along, I toss the baton into a bin, it spins satisfyingly and lands on the pile of dog shit the riverside dog walers have been considerate enought ot put into plastic bags. Shit in plastic - a greater environmental headache, I would have thought, than shit per se. Tell me I'm wrong.

came home just
visited navigators just now with nic
suprisingly comfortable group

so anyways
nothing like a big mug of homemade bourbon
one of the pleasures in life

just raed an interesting quote on the way home
the rich are getting richer, and more miserable, the poor are getting richer, and more miserable
so where is all the money and misery coming from?

now i wouldnt know anything about it
as ive been blessed to come from the middle class,
the bourgeoisie

ive always liked the ring to that word

but so realy where does all this multiplying money and misery come from

how could all the things i thought i stood for so easily become like chaff in the wind

ive been tussling with the question of identity for some time
well not really tussling
tussling would imply active resistance
well
maybe ive been giving it some feeble second glances

i think i can safetly say that one thing my generation lacks is a sense of identity
for one, we're part of a generation that hates labels,
well
at least i hate labels
i hate labels, stereotypes, archetypes and anything that follows.....
i feel that limiting oneself by saying that i am this or that....
seems to put a person on two dimensions
even the label christian, which is supposed to be a joy to bear, seems to have attached to itself all kinds of right wing fundamentalism that makes one cringe
honestly, i think we christians havent portrayed the best image of ourself and of the one we're supposed to stand for

yes yes, im starting the whole diatribe again
granted we are God ordained in this world
my point is that we arent doing our job very well

so moving beyond that, back to labels
the previous generation seemed all about labels,
you are what you wear
or what you do
or what you behave like
being the quintessential something
my generation inherited this trait in its own heterozygous form
we strive to be whatever the label is
but when its applied to us
we hate it

we realise for one that there should be so so much more outside of something we're called, or something we end up doing
we find ourselves trapped in a rut, knowing the trap ahead of us but unable to turn away

sometimes i wonder which is worse
becoming another faceless nameless title, an afterthought, a whisper in the wind
or the anticipation of it,
knowing that we'd probably amount to not much but not able to find anything else

in sophies world, which is a translation of a norweigean book by the way,
one point raised is that the trait of a good philosopher is the capacity for wonder
i think on that point alone i have no future in philosophy
maybe i did at one point
then i grew old
ok
maybe i just grew cynical

and it is true,
that despite all the pessimism that we can garner from the world around us
(ppl who insist that optimism is a natural state obviously dont know alot)
(disclaimer: optimism, well true optimism, in my opinion is a state which requires alot of work if one isnt ignorant of course and is only mastered by the best of us; if ur an ignoramus being an optimist is normal... i mean sure u shd be mourning the lack of depth of ur mind but u probably arent capable of that)
there is alot to be in awe and wonder about

an epiphany came as i was walking back to hall
what does God say about the labels
i mean sure, He labelled himself as certain things, if i may respectfully put it that way

seems strange
that in my "backsliden state" i can dare to talk about God

He calls himself love, and goodness and kindness and just and all that jazz
but when Moses asked who God was
i mean sure He called Himself the God if Abraham Issac and Jacob
but He also called Himself "I AM WHO I AM"

well that wasnt how my thought train flowed
i dun think im holy enough for that
but i think when we apply labels too easily
like
i am a student
or you are a cudgel wielding simian, the progeny of a toad
we tend to focus on the second part so much we forget about the first part
the miracle and burden of existance

the very fact that we are, as opposed to nothingness
i mean sure we can be all cynical about why we're alive

one of CS Lewis favourite books was Loki Bound a story in which the jotunn Loki was poised and a symphatising light... in this version, Loki opposed Odin not because he was malicious but because he opposed Odin creating men against their will

and while the irony of that idea is indeed appealing
it is also nonsense
there is no alternative to non-existance
there is no what would it be like
because that is nonsense,
if it wasnt
it wouldnt be like anything

of course there would arise the other impt philosophical concept, the question what makes up i
i think therefore i am? or that we are our emotions or our memories or the sum of both or that we are merely physical, carnal beings
i dont think i have an answer to that?
there isnt really an objective answer, each persons answer would be affected by his value system

but thats what makes up part of who we are
our diversity

we arent just our labels
we exist
and our whole is greater than the sum of our parts
usually the whole is greater than the sum of the parts
unless you're considering quantum mechanics
but as with anything, emergent properties exist only when u zoom in or zoom out

so who am i
i am not much
but also so many things
and more importantly than that
i am

so where do i go from there?

im blogging exactly because im currently slogging through a physics lab report that's eating up my insides
schools been ok? i would say fun, but it seems like a weird word to use since never before did i think mugging abit everyday, and keeping up with tutorials fun.
sure, i made some new friends and all, but nothing tight, at least not with anyone i didnt know before uni

someone said i shdnt stop blogging, that people read my blog because it's deep and thoughtful and stuff
well maybe that's because i usually dont dare blog when ive nothing to blog abt
as ppl who know me better understand,(yes thank you mr lian for knowing me too well so that you spill out stuff to ntu tabloids) i tend to be more reserved, keeping my thoughts to myself, that is if im thinking at all....
i feel as if ive just been going through the motions of late.

i mean sure, i think abt school work, and what to eat, and what to wear but its all mechanical, nothing deep or metaphysical, not that any of that seems to matter nowadays....

ive always liked indie movies that focus on the dialogue between a few people, you'd realise that very little of what is said is random, and even more meaningful than the lines are the words not said, the awkward silences and meaningful glances....

not that im anything like that, my dialogue tends to be trivial, and my silence even more absymal...

well, so according to mr lian, i look morose, am apathetic and nonchalent, am untidy, am reserved, am not good at teaching others, along with a host of other unbecoming tidbits that he so happily spilled out to a school paper.....
and i gave them his contact because i thought he would be politically correct while insightful
gosh
where to bury my head now.

you know if you were to ask me what i hate abt myself, id wouldnt be able to come up with alot...
i mean sure the list of my shortcomings is quite long
im not as handsome as timothy wan,
im not as bright as einstein,
i might appreciate the arts, but im far from the Renaissance standard of da vinci
im unfit, im introverted and reserved
im non-chalent and unsentimental
but none of those really irk, maybe
maybe because i dont care enough

but i think the one thing i really hate myself for is not having the courage to say what i mean and feel, while i mean and feel it, when it still matters

i probably posted these lyrics before but they're just too good

when you find your castle on the hill
with the bars on the windows
will you burn the bridge behind you
will you ever come out and see the sun again
or will you hide
and now how long has it been
since you've seen the light

make your way on the stairs
to the top of your tower
stone cold floors
hardwood doors
lead you to your room of plastic flowers
they still look the same
drenched in water
it comforts you to think that they're alive

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

step outside the shadows of your cage
strangled truth
stolen youth
is written on every line of every page
it's your story
do you want it back
you have to decide if it is worth it
swim across the swamp to the other side
run until you're out of breath
and when you look back they'll be nothing left
but a memory fading quickly

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself after all

it could have been easier than this
if you threw it all away
what would you miss
it could have been too much of a chance to take
the silence in your head would have to break
your grip is slipping faster
looks like you'll have to face yourself
after all

i dont know why the previous post makes people think im mad at someone

of course its always possible that i am subconsciously, and im unaware of it because my eq is below average

oh wells



i know not many people read mine blog anyways, cos its kinda a retarded place, where i say stupid things on stupid subjects

but yeah

since someone requested it, i shall post on the 15 books thingum

although i think the answers are embarrassing and its against my better judgement

its probably opening a can of worms because the books you recall say alot about you

and im opening myself up to some form of psychoanalysis

well to all the budding shrinks out there



Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. They don’t have to be the greatest books you’ve ever read, just the ones that stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.



1. Lord of the Rings- i shall consider it as one book, although its really three, cos i read a copy which had all three inside, and because its really split into 3 for marketing purposes. No one starts on "book one" without reading all 3 unless of course the person gives up, but that's the case for illiterate people. For those who havent read it, its really an epic, epic story. That being said, it isnt my favourite tolkien tale, mine being the children of hurin, but the main story is the must read.



2. The Great Divorce- one of his harder to grasp books, this book by CS Lewis is a metaphorical perspective of heaven and life. Some of the characterisations and visualisations were so vivid and real that i still remember them



3. The Problem of Pain- yes, another CS Lewis book.... im really proud of rankings 1-3. (after that it falls apart) i feel this book encompassed the more important arguments Lewis put forward



4. The Mathematics of Love- a book by Emma Darwin. i have no idea why i rmbr this one, maybe it has something to do with reading it during the more trying times i had during army, so it was a form of comfort... mmmm, this book i bought for its title. It's not bad in it that the author plays around with the concept of time, and also switches between prose styles. The themes are *gosh* about how love develops against the expectations of society.....mmm..... actually when i look back, the themes of love were actually quite controversial and taboo but oh wells.



5. Midnight's Children- this booker of booker's prize winner was epic, intense, graphically absorbing, but also one of the most laborious readings i have had to undertake- maybe thats why i remember it. what i dont recall at first, is how much i identified with one underlying theme, that we always assume that we're special, and destined for greatness, but maybe our destiny lies in our passing, in that we exist to be destroyed eventually



6. A grief observed- the most personal book in CS Lewis' apologetic canon, although this one isnt apologetic. it's Lewis writing at his most vulnerable, after the death of his wife. I love how it shows that this great man actually came close to doubting everything, but how he hung on to grow through the pain.



7. Blink- i rmbr this because of the circumstances i was in when i read it. i borrowed it without permission from someone's bag in australia while i was stuck there during an overseas military exercise. its interesting, but ultimately not very beneficial..... something about how our first impressions are actually very useful

8. Vampire Chronicles- by anne rice. This is good vampire fiction, not the chic lit that stephenie mayer churns out. i still go by my stand, that any guy who reads stephenie mayer shouldnt be called a guy

9. Oscar and Lucinda by peter carey, another booker winner, its a really screwed up story about love.... hahaha.... its really enthralling after the romance blooms but entirely ironic when it ends...... i loved it because its a love story that makes u scratch your head going w.t.h. instead of feeling all warm and fuzzy inside

10. Adventures of kavalier and clay by micheal chabon. a clever and witty book about escapism and confinements one thing i dont get is why of the 2 micheal chabon books, both have gay characters....

11. Fight Club- pulp fiction with anarchial themesd, whats there not to love

12. A scanner darkly- another screwed up books, this time on drugs, and how we're all manipulated by the system.

13. 1984- the book about big brother, what i rmbr abt it was the idea of double think, the ability to think 2 seperate opposing thoughts at the same time

14. Time traveller's wife- i can see why so many people loved this book, but i didnt really like it that much. a nice love story, and although the manipulation of time in fiction was creative, i still felt the whole timeless love thing was cliche

15. Animorphs #23- Gosh, i dont know why i still remember this book, its the first book i cried reading, and its not really touching, just a screwed up story about cosmic irony and unfairness

as you can see, i tend to remember books that have screwed up themes, or if they're really ironic
im not sure what it says about me, id rather not think about it, because i dont think id really like the answer

of course when i try to think about the books i should be recalling, books such as blue like jazz, and gilead and even the bible come to mind
the question thus must be asked, so why dont i recall them instead

why isnt the bible at the top of the lists, like it should be, if i was a good sterile fundamentalist right wing, gun totting christian

although it is consolation to myself that blue like jazz may have made it to the list if it was say the top 20
in all honesty,
i can say that i disagree with the Lewis' observation that Christian authors tend to have more depth
not because he was wrong, but because the Christian literature of his time, and that which i get now is so different
honestly i feel that aside from Lewis and a few other authors such as marilyn robinson, christian writers tend to be boring, sterile and unintelligent

and yes, back to the bible,
it is interesting, and greatly applicable
it is God's inspired word and all that
but i dont know
i dont read it as much as i should for lack of interest
and fear of being identified with those whom, read it alot, read into it alot,
and wield it all around throwing verses around trying to apply its principles literally
making me wince at their lack of theological depth, lack of imagination, and lack of maturity

all that being said, i know some really Godly men and women, who know scripture well, and know how to use it
but i know too many who abuse it
yes, God can use a plumber and all that, although i gave up reading the plumbers book because it's an insult to call it a book,
men of God should acknowledge their frailties and that they arent the most intellectual and theologically superior people,
wad happened to Gods tools being broken vessels, the foolish, and meek,
why are christians now using condescending tones, and taking the "morally high" ground
its one thing to be set apart, and another to be Amish

im sorry for ranting,
as u probably can tell, since ur a budding psycho analyser
im probably borderline neurotic
just a side note, i say you're a psycho analyser, because if you blog surf,
either you're a voyeur, or you think you can read people well
im saying this out of personal retrospection
maybe im so off canter that my observation is skewed
oh wells

dangerously complex thoughts in euclidean space

vanity vanity
porcelain mask on painted face
all us microbes and phages creeping around this worldly dustbowl
trying to breed meaning to the burden of existence, forsooth, just a sigh and whisper in the wind

i wanted you to know me, but am i still me

im tired of jumping through hoops,
tired of playing that game
but for the snare of the whip and the prod of a chair

do you still see anything in my eyes
or have these four walls closed in for too long

im tired of your incompetence
of your lack of lucidity
barbaric fundamentalist
go and bother someone else with your piety,
dont expect me to laud and applaud it

only a moron gets frustrated when he realises he doesnt know anything
only a fool will defend ideologies uncontested
maybe its the fear of turning out to be a neanderthal
no wonder the intellectuals favour evolution

was it Descartes who said i think therefore i am
but more often then not, its a bound of flesh that holds me back

so so tempting
to leave it all behind
to cast off the bounds
to forgo kith and kin

are you my wide eyed wonderling
or a private Jezebel

why do i always end up caring for the one's who arent important
and hating the one's who should mean something

nothing personal
i just see a dumbdowned reflection of myself in you, and i dun particularly like myself as it is

usually you wake up from a dream by opening your eyes
maybe if i close mine this one will end

after a week at school, getting used to hall and all
well although tutorials havent started yet, i think im getting into the groove of things
after army, school doesnt seem so hard,
although yes, now i actually have to use my brain
and the social/political world here is more complex

i think army helped me grow up quite abit
but like i told daniel fong last week
ive grown wiser, not necessarily better
ive lost too much alongst the way...
im too much of a cynic now

ive made the commitment to return to God
but now im stuck with my previous dilemma
how does faith work out in my life
part of me doesnt know how to answer the question
part of me doesnt want to
it might seem overly simplistic just to say to live out love
but the truth is, that is very simple
it's just very hard to do

ive always known i was a social pauper
mmm
blessings not just for the ones who kneel.... luckily

ive started on Kishore Mahbubani's can asians think
it's an understatement to call the book eye opening
i was especially inspired by his point that due to demographics, nations in Europe and America, whom have been pushing the envelope for civilisation up till now will be in the minority
and we Asians have to do our part

mmm
im honestly ashamed of mine chinese heritage?
haha
shoot me

but i shall give several reasons for this
firstly, asians seem to lose out genetically
everything genetic, from good hair to good looks, to atheltic ability
we cannot compete with westerners
they are faster, stronger, taller and have hair that seems glorious

secondly, our society is still miopic, paradoxical, too strictly conservative, and stuck in traditionalism

thirdly, while we do have rich heritage and blah blah blah
and even though in antiquity, chinese society led the forefront of civilisation
we somehow were left standing in the dust, relegated to close to last place
and honestly, i think the chinese society is one that lacks grace when dealing with other societies
we lack grace
my point being supported by the fact that chinese stereotype jokes are funny when the point that the chinaman is ungracious seems to be exploited.
at the risk of sounding xenophobic and racist
im clueless to where this source of chinese pride comes from
sure the rich heritage and traditions
if this were the 16th century sure id understand
but we've lacked behind for a millenia and while there has been a recent catching-up
we still lack grace

mmm
do take note that these are all my thoughts, not the words of Mr Mahbubani, who is probably pro-Asian and whose thoughts are much more lucid, objective and civilised than mine
im just some poor fool ranting on his blog how he was shortchanged bcos he wasnt born with the genetic code of a NBA superstar, or All-Black rugger

sorry im no good at bending over backwards and jumping through hoops

really glad i went for FOP yesterday
even though yes, there wasnt any popular overseas christian performing group there
mmm
the singaporean performing groups were kind of
mmm
smarmy
if thats a word
didnt really get into the worship part
part of it was the atmosphere
part of it probably me being easily distracted

but the message was real good

i think i have a thing for australian pastors
just their dialetic and humour
im usually the odd one out when it comes to sermons
when others usually say its great im left scratching my head
and i think it works the other way
but yeah
australian preachers tend to be like interesting?

moving on,
ive been encountering the term "emergent church"
quite abit in literature and now hearing about it from preachers
the emergent church or even for that matter emerging churches havent really come to singapore yet
and the local church doesnt seem concerned or interested to tackle the "issue"
after reading up on it abit
i honestly find the idea of an emergent or at least admittantly emerging church very alluring
id admit as being a child of this generation to being strongly post-modernistic in certain areas
and being quite disillusioned with traditional church institutions and the norms of church
the whole decentralised power and deconstruction of modern traditions seems called for

while sure, the whole movement has seen criticism from the more main-stream of christiandom in the west
although it seems to me awfully right wing, red, gun-totting, grizzled and bush like if u ask me
id be the first to join one if it came to singapore
id have to admit that the decentralised authority and the promotion of conversation over traditional evangelism is the main impetus

on to a totally offhand, uninteresting, and unrelated diatribe
i shall talk abt the byzantium empire
why a post-modernist shd be interested in a medival empire
well its relevant to me
aha,
the lure of the post-modernist mindset

so anyways
my love affair with all things associated with the east roman empire began in sec sch
thanks to a game known as medival total war
now for those who are of the school of thought that computer games just teach little boys violence and nothing more,
id strongly disagree
ive learnt alot of what i know from games
games are often the sparking point for interests in history (any period with a war in it usually is interesting) mythology, and even promote knowledge of science and technology
i learnt abt physics theories through sid mier's alpha centauri
and abt the impt breaktrhoughs in technology both in antiquity and in the present day from civilisation 3, civ 3 also helped teach me that while democracy is currently one of the most efficient government types, it has it drawbacks, and it isnt perfect and shd be viewed on the same palate next to socialism, theism, monarchies and the rest

and so yes,
kids shd play more games
regardless than the latest offerings seem to teach one how to survive post-nuclear apocalyptic hell or a zombie outbreak, what man vs wild will probably never touch on

i digress
back to the centre of orthodox christiandom
the lure of Byzantium will always be their armoured horses,
their wealth, naval and military power and prowess
the strength of the walls of constantinople
the glory and splendour of that city

even in places like the vatican museum often the more impressive artifacts, some of them were stolen from constantinople in its sacking by crusaders

mmm
ok
i first was drawn to byzantium by the colour purple, the fact that its strategic position is more playable than any catholic faction in early medieval times (it was the easiest non-muslim faction)

mmm
actually the muslim factions were the most satisfying to play as
medieval times were the heyday of muslim nations
a time when these were the most gracious nations on earth
at the forfront of the arts, society and technology

saladin was probably the greatest of all rulers to come out of medieval times
even in othello, the moor is more civilised than the venetians

sometimes nowadays i cringe at the thought that their descendants are a poor poor shadow compared to their legacy
but anyways

mmm
the byzantium society was marked by two things i find interesting
first was that their constantly was power play in their hierachy
byzantium was the golden age of political assasinations

what else makes byzantium interesting was that as the centre of orthodox christiandom
it was the home of amateur theologist
it seems that men in the street were espousing the theology of the trinity the incarnation and divinity

while it seems at first paradoxical that assasintation central and theology could co-exit
im realising now that they seem to go hand in hand
we make our own political mess out of the instituions God ordained

mmm
i think the 3rd real impetus of the emergent church for me is that it is praxis oriented

just finished surprised by joy by CS Lewis
one source of great comfort to me is that my hero didnt think much of the practice of keeping a journal
and so i shall not have to feel guilty about not keeping one

mmm
i think i took loads more from that book than that
but my power of introspection isnt strong enough for me to make it a meaningful blogpost

just shall mention this one thing i feel is of vital importance....
for many, CS Lewis' conversion experience seems to be a wholly intellectual affair
and so not spiritual in any sense
i think this could not be further from the truth
i think no one verily comes to God on his own
and as shown by C.S.L he was pursued by God, not the other way round
the impetus to choose God is provided by Him

i believe the intellectual response can be just as spiritual as the emotional one

some may quote scripture that God confounds our wisdom, and that God's wisdom is foolishness to us
but arent there scripture as well that warn us that the heart is deceitful

i think God meets us where we are and in accordance to what we are

perhaps both the emotional and intellectual response in themselves dont measure up to what God wants
but than do we ever measure up by our own efforts


i think the problem is that nowadays, one unspoken heresy in the modern church is (in simple mathematics) that God moving=feeling His presence
i think this bugbear has arose because so many men of God say that i feel or sense God's presence/move
which while not wrong has caused the view that God's presence since not sensuous must be emotionally indicated
and this may be true in some circumstances
its just circumstantial or in a more mathematical term, correlation
God's modus operandi isnt limited to the emotional realm, although i must admit, it is a powerful tool


i think we should stop thinking that "God has moved" if there is a strong emotional or physical response
2 things, God is constantly on the move, even if we have no subjective evidence to allay our doubts about this
and also, i think the emotional response while powerful is short term
not that the intellectual response is inherently better or has a longer shelf life
i think that we should adopt the attitude that whether we see the move or not,
God is always at His business
and we try our best
and the only reliable indicator of success (although we shouldnt be looking for one) is probably that of retrospection
it is scriptural to judge things by their fruit

just watched the reduced Shakespeare company perform the complete works of Shakespeare (abridged) at the national library

awesome, wonderful act
few comedies keep the laughs coming for a sustained period of 2 hours
but they somehow pulled it off

and the jokes ranged from crass to highbrow
so i guess there was something for everyone

mmm
the last thing that made me laugh so hard was the simpsons movie
but this was superb
riotously funny

its peculiar how at one moment one's inner conflicts seem metaphysical and at another infinitesimal

maybe the quality of life is dictated by endorphins
and reality as we perceive it are just the outer mechanics of meaningless abstractions

mmmm
i think its all the sugar
made some chocolate pistachio fudge in the afternoon,
dangerously addictive

but really i think the high I'm on now is probably from reading Surprised by Joy by my favourite author
it's not that he is uber interesting, and most of the time his discussions are quite beyond my intellectual capacity
it could be the intellectual stimulus but i think its more that that
its even beyond the aesthetics, though i think he makes other authors like *cough* Lucardo seem prosaic

to be honest, and i know it'll probably sound dumb
sometimes i try to find my mantra to life in the literature i read
i bought JM Coetzee's Youth hoping to find some inspiration from the character, a mathematician aspiring for the bohemian life
not that i fancy myself such
and it didnt work out
cause the book had a fatalistic ending

maybe that's why i finally decided to read this book
because feeling aimless and drifting
i turned to this book hoping to find a rudder
mmm
i wont say i did
but i think it put certain things in their places
and all the aesthetic and intellectual pleasure it brought cant really be bad either

suprised by joy

although i told someone i would be starting on "A clockwork orange" (not that it matters)

ive decided to finally start on "suprised by joy" by CS Lewis instead

mmm

my copy happens to be one of my greatest earthly treasures

a hard cover book with gold leave sides bought second hand from my ex-senior pastor for 15 bucks

an excerpt from the first chapter

it is that of an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it Joy, which is here a technical term and must be sharply distinguished both from Happiness and from Pleasure. Joy (in my sense) has indeed one characteristic, and one only, in common with them; the fact that anyone who has experienced it will want it again. Apart from that, and considered only in its quality, it might almost equally well be called a particular kind of unhappiness or grief. But then it is a kind we want.

i love his work

but im not intelligent enough to consider myself as an admirer

crazy fan boy is a far apter description

And I'll hang on to you
Cause you're stronger
And you keep me from falling
And you brighten the world
With your beauty
Keep me closer
I'm calling

Lookin' out like a little child
Holding tight when it all gets wild

And I'll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through, only you
And I'll hang on to you
Everyday I live I give to you

And your love it is true
I feel stronger
And I'm happy to know you
Cause you shine like the sun
And you're brighter
Than the darkness
That's falling

Nothing in this world
Could ever take your place
Happiness is found
In your holy face
In your warm embrace



ive decided to find my way back,

not some big life changing decision, at least for now i'll have no idea,

not that i know how, or the when and the where

but i think the biggest change is that at least now i dont want to fall away anymore



its funny how i was expecting this change of mindset to follow some big event

some great spiritual encounter, a burning bush or the back of God on the mountaintop but it wasnt , there's plenty of pathos; how the biggest choice is the one made in ambiguity and out of no compulsion, i wanted to call it a paradigm shift, but what happened doesnt have the dramatic flair that those words suggests....



maybe thats why it was so long coming

because i wanted the fire and the wind and the earthquake, the booming voice and the bright light

and i didnt even get a small voice



im not even sure how it happened

i just suddenly had the desire and the will to want back



so thank you God, for being the supplier of the will and the desire, an any appetite at all for You

and thank you whoever's kept me in prayer

if there are any people at all



and im blogging about all this, although it's more fitting for a journal entry

because i never successfully kept a journal

and i want to record it somewhere that wont end up under a pile of stuff

to remind myself of my decision

making an altar of remembrance seems like a better idea but i dont think i want to erect one anywhere

recently in australia, i chanced upon my uncle's great 10 year plan

it wasnt some big scale project to end homelessness, pretty mechanical, material and grounded objectives

but theyr'e reasonable ambitions and im not in any place to judge, cause when i ask myself what i want to be at 31, i draw a blank

i mean sure, id like to be employed, prefably at something i enjoy and i hope to be living at some level of comfort, big house with a white picket fence and all that but other than that, i'm drawing a blank slate in my mind and its not a comfortable notion. people without vision do perish.

of course ive had aspirations or at least daydreamed of the future, but its nothing i'll admit to wanting now, not that there arent desirable prospects, but nothing id dare or want to commit to

fear and lazyness will probably be my undoing

i used to be idealistic once, i think, now i seem aimless, a floating spectre waiting for something or someone to come along and point me in some direction

sure there's all that good sensible and holy christian mantra about living for God and doing His will, but while its warm and fuzzy, but nothing more defined

i recently finished reading midnights children, an excellent but long book,

one thing that piqued my interest was the idea that the high point of one's destiny could be in one's destruction

and while that idea seems more fatalistic than biblical, i can think of examples like samson, pharoh and judas, the latter two being slightly more relavant, as according to scripture, God hardened pharoh's heart and as for judas, Jesus foretold his betrayal, showing that for some, God's plan isnt prosperity and abundance, but personal doom, albeit for God's glory

why do i mention this? i mention it because i think it's humbling, and necessary

because one must always contemplate that while yes, God did promise that He has good things in store for us

they may not be sunny and brilliant and alluring to the palate

histories greatest moment was brutal, we killed God

mmm
after having floated around so long
i think its true that my spiritual life has taken a hit
and while i think its sound advice to tell people to try and settle down soon
i think its advice that also doesnt address the deeper issues
such as wariness, picky-ness and the more metaphysical issues

do i want to settle down
yes
and no

sure, i want to have a place i can call a home church again,
a service i'll be at
a group i'll label church friends
familiarity with people and stuff
a vision and mission i'll be sold out for and all that

but i think as one matures, u'll realise that all these have their costs, and are not as simple and clear cut
vision and mission are critical, but i need to be in a place where i can live with what the church believes and aims for
people are great
but inherently problematic
and i think the only thing that will make me stick around, and tolerate all the rough sides
is the knowledge that God wants me there

glen has told me several times that often times, the reasons behind church are very pragmatic
and im realising thats true
but im also a sucker for the metaphysical purpose
and that fluff and chaff about calling
and being placed
so how does deciding on pragmatic stand points agree with this

i think im aslo slipping away
i think part of it has to do with disappointment with God
part of it is because going to church, and quiet time dont seem so lucrative
and without a slave driver enforcing these things
mmm

i still know that God loves but im not sure if i believe it
im not so sure if i love God
never did enough
now im not even sure if can even be considered love, or whether it was some good feeling i got out of emotional highs, and good atmosphere

the problem is
its harder to return
ive been schooled too long in the christian way of speech and know the christian way of thought
i can even make myself sound theologically sound and mature if i want to

i know what it'll cost to say i want back
which makes it so much harder

reminds me of the movie taken
when liam neeson's character was asked
why are u so paranoid
to which he answered
im not paranoid, im aware

i know all i need is to want to want to get back
but im not sure if i can even get to that stage

it really makes intriguing footage
documenting my own slide from grace

this is long overdue

its an ode to a great friend

a wonderful leader

a beautiful person

and the man whose fan club i am the president of

timothy wan

happy belated bdae dude

the view is much different, staring down from the edge and looking up from the bottom of a pit

seems from down here, all my good advice, and previous good intentions all come to naught
all my experience and wit seem to only help me run away

sun tzu knew well, retreating was always the smarter choice

i feel like im becoming more and more and empty shell
like ive been deflated
no more metaphysical purpose for existance

the doughnut man was right
life without jesus is like a donut
cause there's a hole in the middle of your heart

but i burnt the bridge behind me
and i dont know a way back
feel too much that its all a farce
even though i know better

i seem to have run out of will to find a way back
fallen into this bog of black bile and phlegm of my own making

someone wake me from this dark night of the soul

omg omg omg
tonight was just one of the best nights ever

group of friends, chilling at timbre
good music
decent pizzas
great erdinger

and of course
jason mraz's lucky

i mean,
yeah
we did spot adrian pang there and all

but he didnt do a rerun of much ado about nothing
so no great show

but tim wan/handsome wan
got on stage on my behalf and co-sang lucky

omg
this is officially my fav life performance, even if its only one song
so move over lifehouse
hahahhaha

ive always thought the 21st bdae thing was overated
but tonight was just brilliant

thanks to all the ppl who turned up
in no particular order, well maybe height
yvonne eng, ian lau, emm gay
joel ong, aloy, chao yuan
nic and tim
and yeah thanks pris and soph for the lovely cake, walnut that tasted like carrot

thanks much

i feel like ive forgotten how to breathe
im underwater, without a tank
this cloud all around, pressing down, making hard to be

i got into the CN Yang scholars programme which is really cool beans

mmm
on a slightly more somber note
now i must skip bjj on sat and go hide in jb thanks to tan chao yuan

gosh
cant a guy survive his birthday in peace

ive lost my muse
any idea where i can find one at half price?

yesterday was a really interesting day

in the afternoon i went to ps to participate in the blood donation drive
some people think blood donation is a painful and scary business
but it isnt really?

the worse pain comes from the needle prick they do to ur finger to test the iron content of ur blood

the only other thing that hurts is when they administer the localised anesthetic, which hurts abit cause they inject liquid under your skin
that being said, the part that hurts isnt the needle going in, cos they even give u some anesthesia to ur skin b4 that

all in all, giving blood is one thing u can do to help others in need??
i mean, u dont even need to put in much effort
and u get free milo, raisins and biscuits afterwards

went to watch Much Ado About Nothing after that with Joel Lian
which was kinda weird at first
bcos most of the audience that went comprised of couples,
which made us feel kinda odd, as two guys going together

it was an enjoyable experience, watching shakespear the way shakespear was intended
out in the open, in a more rowdy setting
adrain pang was good
but i felt the rest of the cast couldnt or didnt match his energy
the comedic parts were engaging
but sadly the melodramatic parts and romantic parts werent very believable
the cast chemistry also was quite lacking

we did the italian picnic thing
which involved buying bread, cured meats, and cheese
it was alot better than our attempt in rome in which, the bread was too much, and too hard
the wine was too sour
and well, too much of everything
this time by comparison, in the immortal words of borat
a great success

had high tea/dim sum buffet at zhou's kitchen at anchorpoint yesterday

its one of the best dim sum buffets ive gone to

you have to order all the food, none of it is al fresco
but i guess its kinda fresher because of that

and after stuffing our faces
we went over to ikea to lie down on couches

havent done retarded stuff like sampling couch after couch in a long time
gosh

the pork chops turned out not bad
and bjj today was fun, even though i grappled mostly with intermediate guys
and ended up getting thrashed

glen lent me a book on conflict in a church and how to maintain sanity
ive only read the first chapter and i think its speaking loads to me already

i think ive honestly lost trust in the church as a collective whole due to my past experiences
its not that the churches ive visited to have been badly flawed
although every church isnt perfect
its just
im scared i guess, of having to face the flaws of any church again and potentially have to let myself be hurt by them

i have an even bigger aversion to cell groups
cos
well i think my past experiences having been shuffled from one cell to the next has left me subconsciously disillusioned and wary of opening up in any cell again

being brutally honest, i think im more open to guys i meet at the bjj class?
at least they'll only hurt me physically by accident, and maybe squash my ego abit

the u2ish post wasnt really directed at anybody?
i guess i was really just trying to voice out my disillusionment

im constantly amazed at how much of an imbecile and buffoon i am

seems that i wont be satiated till i break down every good thing i have going for me
sorry

for those who dont know,
my previous post basically blatantly copied numerous lines from my fav U2 songs

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte
very provoking clip
although the filmatography isnt that good
i guess the message it brings across is graphic enough

have you come to play Jesus to the lepers in my head

spirit moonshine, marmalade melodies
cheapest feel-good in a sixpack
for all the lonely, broken and homeless, heaven in an autoinjector
pilgrims, poor, parched, seeking for the holy grail
for the well that never dries
but all they stock is turkish delight

drum roll, the minor second
anthem belted out in nasal twangs
fill in the jazz keys
and wala
instant fragrance

but the chords fail to tug
seed falling on a hardened heart

you think you've got the stuff
but you left a bad taste in my mouth

but hey
even Jesus got served cheap wine when he hung on the cross

overheard a boy asking his father about the meaning of the word chauvanist
the boy seemed very amused with the answer, and so was i
mmm
oh wells
maybe im just incredibly immature

medics bbq was fun
wasnt as rowdy, and crazy as previous ones
i think our juniors havent really mashed together yet
stayed overnight with derek and brandon
playing a version of tai tee, laughing at some anthony hopkins psychothriller on tv and lame jokes so loud that they came to tell us to keep the noise down

mmm
experimenting in the kitchens been quite fun
one useful thing i learnt is that if u have overripe bananas
u shd peel them
then freeze them

they make good smoothies, cos they give a creamy texture
so u dun have to use ice cream or ice cubes

i just miss doing sound so so much

anyways, i think ive become overtechnical when it comes to worship
i tend to preempt the ques and expect the riffs,
and i burst out laughing when i notice a slip the musician manages to cover up
mmmm

i miss doing sound so so much

recently had the privilege of visiting the house of a family who's dad is in the coffee business
so i got to learn more abt beans, grinds, roast
and the inner workings of an espresso machine
mmmm

anyways, i think the dark cherry mocha at starbucks is kinda nice?
haha
but dun rely on me for recommendations

i like coffee, but i wont claim to be a connoisseur
my taste is far too eclectic for that
i used to be a black coffee purist
at starbucks, it would always be a americano with an extra shot
but recently i think ive mellowed
nowadays, ive gone on to lattes, vanilla lattes, and fraps
rasberry frap plus java chip

so anyways
bought a cook book at borders just now
after the tuesday bjj class ive been attending

haha
quite funny
took recommendations from this vegan
sorry correction
non-lactose vegetarian
or something

bjj's becoming more and more fun
i guess it has to do with getting some idea of the basics
actually knowing whats going on when ur rolling on the floor
and actually managing to fight back a bit
haha
i think this post has been far too randomn
maybe i think too many blows to the head at class just now
bodies aching now
should try not to go to gym the day before class days

i think its a real cool idea to count one's blessings on ones fb/lj/blog/twitter/whatever
sorry
im technologically backwards

mmm
unfortunately im not very good at being optimistic/thankful
but yeah
i'd like to really thank God for all the kick ass kindred spirits He's put on my path
mmm
actually im uncomfortable with the term kindred spirit as it implies a certain level of sameness and empathy
ok
i mean, i think they're great people, just that maybe my wavelength is on the flipside of the spectrum
sometimes i dun really get them....
mm i think they're the normal bunch its probably me who's strange

so anyways
thank You God for all the good ppl you've put in my way,
for all the friendliness, nagging, love and support they show me

thank You God, that even though i get really disillusioned with christianity
really disillusioned with church, and its various institutions and systems
and sometimes with both You and myself
that You are faithful
and that You place really nice christian brothers and sisters in my way to keep me sane

thank You God, that even though ive been an antisocial, moody/grumpy, irritating, unkind, unfeeling, angsty person
that You've still provided me with friends

i dun think i have the stamina or the mental discipline to continue posting about my Europe trip...
i mean Venice was really beautiful
the sinking city and all that
probably the most beautiful place Ive ever been
extremely romantic,
picturesque sunset
lovely ancient buildings
interesting (and overpriced) local cuisine
best gelato in italy
mask workshops
and the like

but i guess i kinda feel its hard to translate the essence of it to others
unless of course i can post pics of it online or something
but as you should know by now
something screwed up happened to my camera
and thus the pics i took there no longer exist
so in accordance with the emotional angst i feel when i think back on how my camera was stolen
i shall not go on about the rest of the trip

mmmm

anyways
the past weekend has been really really interesting

bjj has been more fun than i imagined
although as a newbie, ive been getting owned by various ppl of various age grps
there's something real and honest about struggling to keep yourself from getting choked or getting ur arm cranked or broken
some addictive reality in trying to hold your own

but im thinking its a guy thing?

oh wells

was asked some very poignant and mentally provocative questions during a lift i got home from a friend
something along the lines of why i havent settled down in a church yet

let me start by saying i really appreciate the friends around me
who have taken an interest to
and bothered to ask and check if im still attendind a church
and stuff

im entirely comfortable with questions of that scope
even though sometimes i dont answer

i dont give a straight answer, not because i want to evade the question
but because i dont have a straight answer to give

its just like how i dont really have a straight answer for why i left my previous church
sure i have several versions
and each, entirely true within their scope(meaning they're not lies, its just that in life, theres often more than one true answer, just some more close to the heart of the matter than others)

mmmm
so why havent i settled down yet
well the answer i gave the person was that the incidents and circumstances in my previous church werent very pleasant, and thus i was kinda put off and traumatised
so im being slow to settle down again

its kind of true
well
im not really emotionally scarred
i think/hope
just that ive become really wary
wary of getting to used to another group of way of doing church
wary of committing to a shared vision that ends up too caught up in the fine print
wary of what comes along with church membership- having to take both the good and the bad the church brings
during easter when i happened to visit a particular church
some really friendly guy whom i sat next to attempted to talk to me during altar call
he somehow reasoned that a fundamental step in christianity was to join a cell group
i admired his enthusiasm and so refrained from laughing in his face, wringing his neck and making a crude joke out of him
yes,
there is a major overlap between going for a cell group
and having a blossoming relationship with Jesus Christ
but its not rational causation
its co-relation
not very significant co-relation either
not everyone attends a cell for the right reasons
and not every cell helps draw a person closer to God successfully
its just what a cell is SUPPOSED to do
many cells fail

i suppose its what we tell every new believer
that joining a cell is the good and right thing to do
and it is
just that we forgot to tell them
that like the church
cells also are frail constructs, liable to missing their objectives
they sometimes end up cliquish, or like a social club
and exclude ppl, or connect on a really shallow level

as u probably can figure out
im really disillusioned with churches and cells

mmm
so on to the many other reasons why i havent settled down yet

its not that i havent found a great church yet
in fact ive visited several really wonderful churches
i mean every church has its flaws
but ive been to some where the flaws seem quite small compared to what God is doing there
and the ministry annoiting/direction and all that?

i think one of the real reasons is i have no idea what im looking for in a church
i mean
how does anyone really decide where the right place is
isit dependant on comfort
or how on fire the other people are
or whether u identify with the mission and values of the ministry
or you can mix with the people real well
or isit dependant on whether u can flow with the style of worship, find the preaching meaninful/interesting and such
or like my admitted weakness, fall in love with the expensive sound system, and technicalities of the band
or are you supposed to hear that booming/still small voice of God which tells you and makes it plain in bold letters that that is the place for you

so far ive not seen any neon signs of big thumbs/fingers pointing to the place im supposed to settle in

what im trying to say is
ive been to a couple of places i guess i wouldnt mind
but i have no idea how to decide

i guess one of the reasons thats probably more true
is that the problem is me
i have my pride
which is quite big
and my comfort zone
which honestly isnt very big
i guess ive been too used to being something or someone in a church
too used to being the one asking other ppl to come visit
or settle down
now suddenly im the lost sheep
and while i know that other ppl dun see it as a big deal
my mind still allows itself to be tricked into thinking ppl think differently about me because ive been church hopping
i dun really want to start from scratch
build new friendships and all that, start service from the beginning, do the socratic irony thing
and all that involved with being the new guy

maybe its Gods way of revealing my pride problem
the pharisee in me
showing me to be that white washed tomb
too caught up in my own holiness/ state of respect in church

and lastly(well the last reason i'll share on my blog)
i think part of me still is angry at myself/other ppl/God
for allowing what happened to happen
im still grieving somewhere, although being not emotionally sensitive, i cant tell im in a state of mourning, so i label it as just another mood
and so im doing what i do best
running away
or as i tell some ppl,
im not physically capable of running
so im just peramulating as swiftly as i can in the other direction

thanks again, if uve been bothering about me
putting up and swallowing my lame half excuses, whining, mock embarassment and mock ignorance
inviting me again and again even though i make it seem i dun really want to go
cause i really do and i dont at the same time?
im not sure if its easy to understand
i really appreciate the care or at least i know i should
but its not easy on me
and i havent been easy on you
well do continue to invite me,
i'll try to appear more enthusiastic

i know i can really be an asshole sometimes, well most of the time
its been touching to know i have friends who bother abt my spiritual state

mmm
one crude observation
its funny in church how ppl will chat up a new person, and if they find out he's a christian, they kinda put an abrupt end to the conversation
this isnt a wide spread observation
and actually ive been chatted up by ppl who actually bother to go beyond that stage and try to get to know me?
but i dunno
im not easily pleased i guess

this shall be a post full of videos of this guy called roby duke
one of the most technically amazing and gifted christian musicians ever
also one of the most eccentric...
mmmm
you might find his style kind of insulting, in the way he goes about presenting certain songs
but i guess genius is easily misunderstood

for this one u need to get pass the 3rd min cos he's busy doing his warm up up till then


this one is also kinda cranky but its cool how he involves the crowd
get pass one minute plus of his warm up first

The free iPersonic Personality Test

now to blog abt florence
gosh, i think by the time i finish on italy alone, i'll probably give up blogging about it
so anyways
mm
florence
beautiful place, but i guess saying that is of no point, cos most er tourist friendly places in italy generally are
so much different from singapore
did i ever say i hate singapore?
there's nothing to do, almost nothing to see
the air is warm and humid, u walk a bit and u get drenched
the mozzys strike at the worse possible times
its boring and its irritating
gosh
so anyways
back to florence which is beautiful
they have the biggest church dome ever
the duomo, which i think just means big church dome or something
although i think the duomo's of the vatican and milan are much nicer looking from the outside
this one is the highest
and guess what
no lift
they have to be the special one's who decide that a lift would not be aesthetic
its a nice long climb up
winding staircases, constricted passageways which slant sidewards
so u have to walk leaning diagonally for some stretches
430something steps
and some of the flights of steps seem to go on around and around forever
good for the claustrophobic at heart
at least u die somewhere high up in a church
hahaha
near to God
anyways

florence is famous for some amazing art galleries
which if u ask me
are too full of beautiful artwork
too many beautiful ceilings as well
they have so many statues
they put some out in the normal corridors
mmm

florence is also famous for its leather market
which is like a flea market
just that flea markets usually dont have so many leather goods
san lorenzo market is dotted by leather stores(kinda makeshift) but u need a license
and they usually have a leather workshop round the back
where u can walk in and see huge sheets of leather still being cut
its an experience in itself to haggle with these people for their leather goods
you can hear all sorts of reasons for "discounts"
all sorts of people sell leather there
we even met this aussie lady who was selling bags there
i suspect ppl go there and sell leather for a few years just to meet people

the food is also pretty good
theres ribolitta which is a "soup", a vegan one, though it seems more like paste, which u eat with bread
or at least they give u bread under the cover charge
then there's bistecca alla florentina
which is a huge slab of beef,
which must be thick
so they grill it
so the outsides are slightly burnt while the inside is raw
gelato's also pretty good
slightly better than rome
i think
although the best was venice


there was also this nice leather and book store, which sells handmade leather bound books

there were also alot artisans in certain districts
whom peddle their wares in unadvertised, unlabeled workshops
from custom chess sets
to specialty glove shops
to modern sculptures

mmmm
oh wells
my body is still aching from the trial bjj lesson
i think im going off now

Hang On To You

And I'll hang on to you
'Cos you're stronger and you keep me from falling
And you brighten the world with your beauty
Keep me closer I'm calling

Looking out like a little child
Holding tight when it all gets wild

And I'll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through
Only you
And I'll hang on to you
Everyday I live, I give to You

And your love it is true
I feel stronger and I'm happy to know you
'Cos you shine like the sun and you're brighter
Than the darkness that's falling

Nothing in this world could ever take your place
Happiness is found in your holy face
In your warm embrace

I shall start with the first with Rome

Rome doesnt enchant like florence, nor does it romance one like venice does
but its surreal in its own right
there's this subtle grandeur of seeing the Colosseum down the street from your hotel
or wandering through a random street to stumble upon a well adorned fountain, or a faded mosaic
something cool about seeing blocks of broken marble lying around with latin inscriptions
or seeing the remnants of a temple to Julius Caesar,
Rome works on the imagination
makes you feel as if ur treading on the very streets ancient romans once walked
rubbing shoulders with plebians in togas

the vatican is quite impressive too
its museum has one of the biggest collection of art
you can see rooms full of rows of cool marble statues, ancient tapestries, beautiful paintings
and of course there is the sistine chapel
the only drawbacks are that theres so much art there, you get abit numb to seeing beautiful paintings and anatomically accurate statues
alot of the nicer paintings/embellishments are on the ceiling, so you'll end the day with a strained neck

carbonara is supposed to be a Roman specialty
i only tried it once at some road side cafe
wasnt too impressed

what really drew me to rome is that u can sit at a cafe at a big piazza, which is basically a square, see a nice fountain in the background
while a bunch of ppl, with intsruments, accordian included
beat out some folksy tune
one good thing Rome has plentifully is a large number of big squares with nice fountains, with a gelato shop or a cafe nearby

mmm
if i feel like it maybe i'll blog abt the other places i visited on the trip

because, i enjoy procrastinating and skirting around the more poignant issues
instead of blogging about my trip, i shall instead start by commenting on all the nice movies i watched on the planes

well, maybe not all the movies
its hard to convey what i appreciate about comedies since humour is opiniated, and blogging about other peoples jokes just seems sort of crass

anyhow, i did watch a few serious solid dramas, 2 oscar nominations and one 1989 oscar winner

on the trip there, i caught Rachel getting married

this would be the first movie to ever give me the impression that anne hatheway is, or at least recently became, a decent actress
a touching potrayal of an ex-junkie, thats actually believable,
it touches on issues of guilt, social pressures, dysfunctional families to name a few
dysfunctional people with real problems
and a reasonably happy ending
maybe too many loose ends, unresolved chemical abuse and emotional problems to make optimists satisfied
but real life's alot like that

on the trip back watched changeling
mmm
didnt connect with it that much, cos i guess i dun have a special affinity for mother-child drama
but yeah
angelina jolie wasnt too bad
a nice contrast to all the hokum and over the top dramatics of recent movies
a good use of silent pauses
spaces
jolie with a tense look on her face

the last film that left a strong impression was cinema paradiso
an italian film that won the 1989 oscar for best foreign film
i shant say much, because its hard to do justice to the subtle nuances and not too subtle nuances of the movie
sure, the various plotlines are kind of cliche,
but its well grounded and very human and wonderful story telling

mmm
so yeah
thats part of my holiday experience i guess
mmm
maybe i'll fill in the more relevant experiences
when im not so jet lagged or lazy

the trips been a real blast,
up to today
today really kind of sucked
gosh
and er, im sorry grace, even though you dont read my blog, cause i dont have the postcards anymore

its kinda a weird sentiment
cos im supposed to be thankful even through this,
and i am
but the finer points still suck

bleagh
so many disappointed expectations

because bob marley rocks

lols

“Do you also want to go away?”

For those who dont know, or are not familiar with NKJV
that was quoted from John 6:67 and if ur bible is any good, those words would appear in red

I'm beginning to consider the distinct possibility that all this discontent, this stirring, these labour pangs as some would deem it is possibly because ive wandered away from Jesus

no ive not joined some cult, or embraced satanism
ive not engaged in hedonism, wild druken orgies and all that

sometimes i wish it were as simple and clear cut as that

its queer
sometimes we can do all the right things, attend church, cell and bible study,
serve all over the place
pour out ourselves again and again
and still in the midst of all of it wander away from Jesus

not that ive managed to do all of that stated above
i church hop, i dont have a cell, nor a group bible study and im serving er myself
but my point in case is this
our religious piety doesnt stop us from wandering away

innocuous activities such as service and fellowship
sometimes are harmless enough that they manage to seduce us away from our proper intent

i guess somewhere along the way i got a bit preoccupied with my self, certain others and other things
and forgot that being a christian isnt about attending church or serving or even evangelism
sure it is bound to involve those things
but its supposed to be about Gods love, and us trying to react appropriately to something as overwhelming as that

it holds some truth, even though sounding far fetched, that the day we're not overwhelmed by God
is probably the day when we've lost the plot
humbling to consider that ive lost the plot so often

i guess it is good that ive been feeling discontent and suffocated
to not feel that way, even when something as imperative as the tenet of my faith isnt at the core of what i am, and what i do
mmm
that would be really something else

i guess Simon Peters reply was quite trite
to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life

there is no other way,
there is no other

we may wander away, get caught up in things we know wont satisfy
kill ourselves and drag down others chasing illusive dreams, and noble creeds
but at the end of the day
there is no where else we can really go

im sorry that i dont have answers that really answer anything
i wish things were easier and more clear cut
i wish the problem was less subtle
and the answer less metaphysical
but i dont have or know any other

no ive not settled down anywhere
im feeling lost
feeling directionless
feeling unfulfilled
why?
1. im impossible to please
you cant be fulfilled if u have no idea what you're looking for
2. ive got a commitment issue
3. im plain lazy
4 im too proud

too used to being ok
to acting like im ok
so now im not
whee

i was wrong when i said that my life is boring, and that there is nothing going on worth blogging?
but i guess its just that i dont really feel like blogging about stuff nowadays
been in a rut of nonchalency

used to blog when i was moody
but this is not moodyness or at least not merely moodyness
i dont mean to put down all the great wonderful and special ppl ive met up with recently, or been going out with
its just that there hasnt been much ive felt like saying

theres just this feeling like a big wet blanket pressing down on me, suffocating me
like someone used up all the oxygen in the room

well
i do deserve the tag of procrastination by eeli
but mmm
ive bought my DSLR today
so ive finally gone out and done something

hahhaha

I need words
As wide as sky
I need language large as
This longing inside
And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find
I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You
To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now
(I Need Words- David Crowder Band)
David may look like a goat, but hey his songs rock, and weird is cool, at least in his case

usually when people ask me what im up to nowadays,
i find it hard to give them a good answer
cause i usually cant justify myself without people gawking at how i waste away my days
they make it seem like a crime that im not running around saving the world, or the economy for that matter

im waiting for daylight,
waiting for that piercing epiphany to part the clouds
and make something of this

attempted incoherence

went down life con auditions/interview ytd to help out with the interviews
was really fun,
probably because its like the most meaningful thing ive done in awhile
seeing all the juniors,
doing stuff, putting in late nights
kinda makes me jealous
i guess im missing it,
that cause
the thing u burn yourself out for

mmm
the interviewing part was fun, you get to ask ppl weird questions and to throw monkey wrenches
and observe a case study in communication
the things they say, and the things they dont
the eloquence and the eye contact or the lack of both
the posture and the way they drum the table

mmm
what i didnt like was how after that, we had to grade their "spirituality"
like that should ever be our job
who are we to conclude he has a pride issue or she's immature
like we can ever know
its a responsibility to big for us
that such an opportunity is dependent on whether an acquaintance of 5 min vouches for you

but i suppose we put up with shortfalls and necessary evils?
we call the dice best we can, cross our fingers and hope our choice doesnt disappoint
cos we will only really know afterwards


but hey if we're really to be pragmatic,
....
well in the name of pragmatism, i shall keep my views to myself

maybe thats why im the one who's distant and uninvolved
because i conform only out of convenience
and i harbour dangerous, anarchical thoughts

this world is an ugly place
and we are all ugly people
but its bigger than us,
more than the whole or the sum of the parts
the dream bigger than the world
this thing called love
i guess thats whats life concerts about
and thats why its bigger than you or me

they say love is a feeling, a sentiment a notion
i guess they're right
on the good days at least
but im starting to realise that behind its gay, paper facade
its alot stouter, and sterner than we'd prefer
unyielding, unbending, insatiable blaze
some days passionate but mostly a cold still burn

maybe i do love you
not the way you'd want but still

honestly im jealous of you
we all need to be needed
maybe you get that in excess but excess is better than shortfall anyday right?

i said yesterday that people, (dumb ones not included) generally dont blog (private blogs not counting) what they really feel and think, but what they would like others to read/see unless the two correspond... but i guess i was wrong
we blog cryptically or openly, either way too obvious in our depraved mindset
stuff we really feel and think, stuff that shouldnt be shared
but we share it anyways
wholesale to any taker
we comfort ourselves that he/she wont guess, or understand, that they cant take context without it being spelled out
but inside we know that they know we want them to know

we do this, put our face and reputation to jeopardy
why?
because we yearn to be known
we yearn for others to see the small person behind the big mask
hate us condemn us, reject us
just know who we are,
no need to love us in return, just take stock of our love
we're just too small and too timid to declare it outloud, we'd rather die than get embarrased
but it kills us anyway when nobody realises
so to hell with the consequences
like faust, we're signing the dotted line
for a good run
maybe it will be enough


yeah rite

ive been using my utmost for his highest for my quiet time
read something recently that i think is very poignant
so im blogging about it
it wasnt the main theme for the day
but it was mentioned how the gospel shd be the central focus of our christianity, not personal holiness
that personal holiness is just a by-product
and that focusing on it primarily doesnt help us to grow,

i think ive got to rediscover what my christianity means to me?
not that ive been doing alot of it
not that ive been consumed and obsessed with holiness
but i think for me the gospel was nowhere the centre of my christian life

im ashamed of the gospel
at least i cringe when ppl lack subtility in sharing their faith
or when they proclaim it in public

to me i was satisfied when ppl just saw how i wasnt doing the same things as them,
that i was "holy" and set apart
that i didnt do certain things because i thought them below me

but that isnt christianity
at least not the main point of it
i think i can still count with one hand the number of occasions i shared the gospel on a personal level?
while some at least try to invite ppl for evangelistic events
i dont really see the point?

i think ive got to learn now what it means to be a christian
to testify of salvation, my salvation

i think if the good news really belongs to us
we'll want it to share it with everyone
excitement and joy will come naturally
oh wells

saw this really cool video on youtube
called cardboard testimonies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvDDc5RB6FQ

reclusion-anberlin

There's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
They don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
All along they found I strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
With these eleven minutes I could teach you what I am

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

There's an art in seclusion. Production in depression
If a stranger turns up missing, this song is my confession
Tell the tales of the trail of dead, lovers learn from slower hands
Losing self in myself, inner demons make demands

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath

You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
You're sick, sick as all the
Secrets that you deny
Sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

theres this cloud in the atmosphere
like there isnt enough oxygen to go round
something heavy and oppressive
a wet blanket suffocating us

moods been alternating between blissful apathy and borderline rage
maybe ive just been bottling it all up for too long
letting it fester and age
swallowing all the discontent and disappointment
so that it feeds you

its the uncomfortable truth
the one they dont proclaim in sunday school
our best friends and comrades are ephemeral,
we're a lot more alone than we'd ever dare admit or realise
so very lonesome in this farce of an existence we label consciousness

the cycle goes on and on
like some out of tune carnival ride
till our dollars worth runs out
then it clangs to a stop
never to move again

like some surreal nightmare of clowns gone rogue
friends and kin run around with painted faces laughing and crying
and we get caught up in the play till the joke goes sour
and we find ourselves face first in something much worse than pie,
and for the first time
the epiphany
we never knew anyone
not even ourselves

the biggest joke is when we try and figure our place and purpose in life
trying to fit ourselves into metaphysical equations
its like the commercial where they gave a macbook to a monkey

we try our best to get into this program, or that ivy league varsity
or to get that amazing headstart in our career
for what?
so that we can feel miserable about ourselves, others and the world in all new and innovative ways?

so we decide we need to be "set apart"
need to be "consecrated"
like maybe if we isolate ourselves in the caves and mountains,
become monks and nuns
and give our lives over to prayer and sermons about revival
that maybe we'd leave our mark
cast our names in bedrock

like we ever could

so how many times must the tide come in
and flatten our sandcastles
till we stop


Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

u2- city of blinding lights

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart day-glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

(cut)

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time...time...time...time
Won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily