whose face is that in the mirror?

stripping the girth(sorry lian),
someone tagged that about my blog

I like hanging out with thinkers
people with much insight and depth,
people who know what is going on
not that i don't like hanging out with people who fit a more proactive mould
but, well, i like people to debate with
people who can hold their own in a logical debate

then again, i guess such people encourage me to practice introspection
they tell me when im screwing up my own life
like a mirror, they show me what i am,
whether i like it or not

some people think that what i write shows who i am inside
gives people a view into the unadulterated version of my thought and emotional plane
i suppose it does,
then again
emotions are flippant, like the wind, unpredictable and unreliable
my thoughts,
candidly, i don't know what im thinking or what i should think anymore

some say writing helps us make sense of the confusion
it does i suppose
penning down stuff makes them in a sense concrete facts,
not the vague uncertain entity that thoughts often come as
writing then gives us insight into what we think and feel,
letting us focus on what we should then do

i wish such good advice were given to me as to how to deal with apathy

is this really the state of my heart?
emotions are undulating
most of the time by the time i start writing, the initial sentiment is gone

when i started this blog
i wanted to capture in essence, me
my principles, my stands,
the character, that makes me who i am (and other chauvanistic stuff)
then before i could,
got abit messed up
confused, for a time i didnt know what i really stood for.

i guess it's like what CS Lewis writes in A Grief Observed
"my faith was like a house of cards
and God had to knock it down"
and i was left groping around the debris
finding for the parts that were castle,
now, im back to building
he also writes that God will continue knocking down our house of cards as many times as he needs to
wheeee
i think the reason i like that book so much is that for the first time
CS Lewis seemed to find cracks in his logic
and he was left struggling in that fog of uncertainty
something that im so acquanted to

I think I'll for the moment stop trying to figure out who i am
i guess what matters more is what He intends me to become
I just hope that i'll be able to do more than think that way

season changing

the frost starts to thaw,
blades of grass like shards of another reality
slice through the blanket of white
breaking the dreary boredom
the sun, no longer a stranger, breaks the gloom
finally, the season starts to change

sweet chirping pierces the air
a sense of suspense and thrill,
replaces the taste of ash and sackcloth
and a heart wakes from its slumber

even in all the revelry and excitement
i sense an uncertainty and fear
maybe i dwelled in the shadows too long
grown accustomed to the darkness
whatever it may be,
the unfamiliar light stings my eyes and causes me to squint

truth, cuts through my hollow shield, showing my rotton epicenter for what it truly is
i find myself having walked around in circles,
my head following my behind
having let me spiral downwards into a rut

i have to learn to walk again

even though the sun is out
the sidewalks are frosty,
and i have already fallen once

the fall has proven unforgiving
i hesitate to go on fearing that i might fall back to the dark slumber that covered me
yet, fear drives me on.
fear that if i remain still,
winter might overtake me
and my heart may never be thawed out again

blood ransom

a bleeding corspe struggled up an unforgiving hill
two sticks on his back
humiliated, broken, pesevering only my will
he continues on this desperate road

a path he threads which leads to death
yet he boldly carries on
the load he carries, unmeasurable
the iniquities of a dying world

my own bare hands, nailed him to the cross
my voice in the crowd rang out mocking
and yet he took it all
the sin and shame
for a wretched scoffer like me

even then i rebel,
give in to my carnal nature
drawn to my misery, i forsake joy
yet he hangs with arms outstretched
bleeding for my redemption

such love, such grace, such beauty
potrayed in a murial painted with blood
a blood ransom so costly,
the proof of love

delirious, disillisional

In the midst of the storm you called out to me
Drawing me to a place of sunshine and rainbows
Trusting you i let my guard down
Followed in tow in search of contentment

Foolishly i opened my heart to you
Allowed myself to become enthralled by you
Gave my all in hope of fulfillment of fantasy
Threw myself before you at your mercy

Then you looked at me
Your words, ice cold, cut at me
Like looking in a shattered mirror
My reflection became broken again

Pain so bad, i grin and bear it
Put on a false front, feigned apathy
Yet deep inside of me,
a wound, unhealed

i steady my hands, struggling not to let them tremble
i mask my face, to hide my hurts
my voice fake, in an attempt to stop its wavering
tears flowing, pouring out from my gushing heart

Maybe its for the best
Maybe pains all i need to wake me up
Cruised too long, got used to it
Is this my wake up call?

Face so innocent, voice so sweet
a dispostion so naive

Was it intentional?
Did you lead me on?
Or was it my own mind making me chase the rainbows
Running me against a stake

Dillusional, maybe i've become
numbed the pain, for a while
when will i be strong enough to cry?