ebeneezer scrooge

i hate christmas,
i wont hide that fact
at least, i hate christmas church services....
hai
honestly, i sometimes feel like that character from Charles Dickens tale
being too caught up in meaningless chases, in my case, the castle i conjur up in my head
and lose sight of what christmas is really about

i am ashamed of the gospel
i have no choice now but to accept that fact now

i make so many bold promises and proclimations
but i fail to deliver

God forgive this pharisee

so this bear is wounded
yes
badly wounded

despite my sometimes apparently stoic outlook,
at least i hope its stoic
i guess im driven by many basic desires, and emotions
and many of them just so cowardly and shameful
its no wonder i want to appear stoic

the truth is
i guess im scared
im scared of what the world will look like the moment i step out of this topsy turvy one of my own creation
im scared of losing face
im scared of breaking my pride

its quite ironic
im scared of stepping out in faith
but im scared of getting left behind

im probably the butt of many cosmic jokes
no wonder my 7mth old cousin likes to look at me with his ever big eyes and laugh
haha
maybe he senses my struggles and finds it so funny
or maybe he likes fat dudes
lol

on to a side topic that doesnt matter
i like young kids and babies
maybe because they are innocent and arent tt complicated
yet
...

if u're wondering my post seems more unreadable than usual
its because something someone wrote in a card to me touched me
it may suprise you to find out who
but seriously
id better go do some self reflection
hmm
better yet
id better go talk to my big boss
lol
before my heart hardens over again

old hand

the title probably will have nothing to do with the post...
then again, this whole blog probably is the closest thing to spontaneous random
often i start writing something
and by the time im halfway through ive lost the initial inspiration,
and im powering my way through using pure will
i used to think blogging was a form of artistic expression
but looking at my own writing
i guess its probably a playground
for little schoolboys who think of real art, probably similar to what a cow thinks of art
to try and make something out of the sand
hmm
building sandcastles

so often we think and think
but no matter how deep we seem to go
all we need is a little pain, a little reality
and we're back to primitive instinct
hai

so this is what the outer court feels like
to have to look in
im beginning to understand and truly appreciate what someone said some time ago
haah
a synonym for love is time
the first time i heard it i thought what utter rubbish it was
love was love
what did it have to do with time
i guess i had to fall away to realise that time is the one gift we have due to our existance within time-space
when we become part of eternity or when we transcend time
put it whatever way u wish
i guess this commodity will no longer be in our hands
so as the bible says
where our heart is
there our treasure will also be
and time is one of our greatest treasure

taking that view point
i realise that i dont love God
now dont be astonished
i mean
ok
fine
im quite shocked myself
but i suppose looking at the fact that i spent the whole of last week playing 60% computer games during my waking moments
the de facto assumption would be i love com games more than God
which is quite sad
i can understand why Saint Peter could only say he loved God as a friend when asked whether he loved God enough to sacrifice his life for God
hmm
im amazed he could even say that
cos if i was asked that question
i would run from it
deny it
probably find some delusion to catch myself up into
cause the answer just frightens me
then again
the question has always been posed
and i guess ive always been running

Do you love me?

sometimes i wonder if i do at all
since so often my actions and words reflect otherwise
i suppose at this point i shall have to stop and comfort myself that i am probably in the midst of a process whereby i have to learn to love God
but dang
it hurts
the knowledge that saying yes at this point would make me a hypocrite

recently i watched king kong
yes it does rhyme with ping pong but tts not the point
its a good movie
but i cant say i thouroughly enjoyed myself
probably because im embarassed at the fact that the character i identify with the most is black, hairy, and is 20-25 feet tall, and beats his breast after ripping apart T-rexes jaw or any poor creature that makes it mad

hmm
i mean
i like my stubble but really
i guess chris was right in saying that the path we tread is not the easy one
but its the only one we can take
cos if dont take it
well
put it simply
we deny ourselves the only shred of true humanity we ever had
subserveance to God
thats what we were created for i guess
tts y i sigh when we see a beautiful sunset
tts y i close my eyes to escape everytime i get a good americano
tts probably y i like stoning so much too
cos reality is
by twisted nature
we are running towards doom
and our hope is in an upwards struggle

well on a lighter note
ive realised that i havent started my xmas shopping
and it is coming quite soon
hmm
well if ur reading this
and u dont get anything for christmas
dont hold it against me
i started late
dang
my sis got me something
and i dun even noe what she likes
....
hai
well
if im naggy
thats bcos im old
hehe
so i have the right
right.....
for ur info
i think that crazed intoxication is bad
although is spend too much time thinking about it

homesick

read finish problem of pain by C.S.Lewis
good old Lewis
hai
the last chapter really did alot to me
hmm
maybe because i was high on coffee
haha
maybe i shd do all my readings at starbucks
hahahah
but seriously
maybe Gods finally dealing with my view of the world
anyways, gotta say tt yeah,
feeling better than i have ever felt
but then again
i guess further from it all then ever
finally reconciled the role of thinker in a way
i guess there has always been room for the intellectual adoration of Christ
just that maybe not a role well explored by the church
then again
i guess i dun really have the right to say much
except maybe
hmm
i guess just gotta learn as i go along
we learn
bit by bit
we learn
new painful lesson everyday
so here i am,
i guess making a little more sense of it all then i did yesterday
ahah
still probably have no idea at all
but i guess its ok

kiddies

i love kids
haha
no
im not a paedophile
and
no
i do not love kids for how they taste
haha
no lah
hmm
the only thing tt i find irritating is how they seem to enjoy poking my fats and then running away
ahha
ok
seriously
cip at the childcare was fun
enjoyed picking up kids and spinning them
ahha
is tt healthy?
haha
anyways
hmm
im hopeless at art and craft
anyways
hmm
i guess i should look forward to having kids
hmm
strange
wad rubbish am i saying
i find my bro irritating
hahaha
wadever
hai
my sis is talking in the background on the phone
wah lao
so loud
....

struggles-v1.01

hai
lalalla
i guess the moment we say we are willing, problems will crop up
or at least stuff we must deal with
felt really guilty at pre-service prayer ytd
cos ya, i think i felt God wanted me to pray
but for wadever reason,
i kept my mouth shut,..... and ya, think i spoilt the spiritual atmosphere through my unwillingness
maybe its fear,
maybe pride
argh
dunno
i just noe that it sounds really sad
that i ask God to speak to me, but when He does, i dont dare speak out His words...
dang
i guess i have to change my mindset when it comes prayer
in more ways than one
anyways,
rev. Tony's sermon really spoke to me
hmm
actually his sermons always do,
but usually im willing to listen or take it down
im finally realising the importance of unity and community..
although sometimes, id rather be alone
hmm
caring and having concern is the Jesus way i suppose...
so gotta learn to care and have compassion
hai
so hard man
id rather be apathetic
the scary part is he said that apathy, is a satanic spirit,
it is a place of rebellion, where we assume that others are not worth caring about and we go against God's agenda of fellowship within the christian body
and compassion for those not in the christian body
hmm
guess i got lots to deal with man

i guess i also gotta give thanks
that yeah,
my family situation is improving
finally
ahahha
managed to assuage my rage and anger at home
i guess mindset changes are powerful
and i guess ive got lots to make

like i said before,
melodrama is addictive,
that oily, dark, pity-seeking shadow,
i dun
i dun want to be that dwarf who struggles against joy
at least not anymore...
like i said,
i guess i gotta deal with my mindset towards prayer
hmm
maybe tts wads been so lacking in my christian life up till now
well
time to learn to pray again
and to deal with the Cain in me
and least im not branded by God
hahahaha

struggles

after such a spiritual high,
as usual, im left facing the prospect of depression
maybe it aint so scary for some ppl
but truth is,
its a demon that haunts my dreams sometimes
hai

i guess its part of me letting go of the melodrama and the shadow
spiritual depression was something that marked part of my walk with God
rather
i was caught up in deception and was left chasing my behind while the devil watched and laughed...

at least i learnt some lessons


struggle
sometimes i wonder why we have to struggle so much in order to please God
sometimes we struggle to even have the intention to please Him
sometimes the christian life seems marked by struggle and not breakthrough
but i guess as CS Lewis wrote,
God values the process more than the ends
breakthroughs he can grant as he wishes
but the moulding we go through to attain it is priceless
in a sense

i guess another reason why we struggle so much is because of our nature
we are fallen beings
a scourge and accursed
we have been attuned to sin
to rebellion
left on our own, we become proud
we wallow in sin
due to adam, we are now born into sin,
babies when born may not have sinned yet,
but they are already sinful creatures- creatures who if not interfered with, will be let to sin

our christian life is therefore a struggle against our very flesh and nature
and the reason why we fall so much
is that we often dont realise how helpless we are against ourselves

really,
the only way we can achieve the end we desire is to truly surrender,
and crucify our flesh
something we cant rely on our own strength to do,
our own strength of some sinful origin anyways,
maybe not sinful in original creation, but sinful due to its early corruption

anyways
i guess we all have to learn to be in a continual relationship of dependance on God
and to put our old man to death everyday through our surrender and His grace
learning to broken and contride
maybe that is hard road
but maybe
maybe its the only plausible road

sometimes i wonder how so man of God can move so powerfully
be so in touch with the Holy Spirit
but i guess if we choose to look at their lifestyles, their level of consecration
of sacrifice and obediance
we will be put to shame
more shame then we already experience anyways

2 tim 2:20-21
20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

we consecrate so that we can be useful for holy work
i dun just want to be his tool
but His precision tool

maybe a lofty aspiration
but i guess i need one

i guess in the end its really simple
simple and hard
haha

as St. Paul wrote in his letter to the church in Philippi
continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling(phillipians 2:12b)
with fear and trembling

yeah
fear and trembling
so we struggle on
not because we like it, and not because it is the best way
but because He requires it of us
and therefore we have to
and hopefully
we struggle through to breakthrough
hopefully

stupid strawberry

why must things be so...
hai
so u live in utopia,
while i struggle through my warped reality,
u appear so fine
even when through the stained glass window
untouched by the shadow,
a burst of colour in my monochrome
is it better to be tormented so?

argh

Stupid quiz

im doing this stupid quiz cos someone asked for it

01 you get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?

I would have chosen wisdom, but looked where it ended solomon.... so i guess it would be compassion

02 what animal would you be ?

A dolphin

03 something you want to do in your life:

04 one time there were these ninjas (cont')

right....

05 one song you could listen to over and over again:

Awesome God

06 coke or pepsi?

Coke. it's sweeter

07 something you currently desire:

stawberry... no really, a heart after Gods

08 what's a "mastoid" (no peeking of dict)

whoever came up with this quiz is obviously some sicko looking for sick answers....

09 one good deed you've done lately:

cant think of any in particular... wads so great abt deeds that make them good... im a really bad person... right...........

10 a funny moment in your life:

funny? life is funny?

i guess... probably some big, sick, sadistic, comos joke... my kind of dark humour

love... east timor

this was my third time watching it
maybe 3 is a charm
or maybe i finally can identify
maybe it took someone to leave
for me to finally feel

well
at least I feel
at last

a toast to our unsung heroes,
the ones who have left our sides
to become forever immortalised in our memories
ok
im exaggerating
well
at least I feel
anyway

This alabaster jar

This alabaster jar
this jar of clay,
a treasure throve
all I have to give

sweet perfume, anoiting oil,
what else can I give

Those wounded hands,
those nail-pierced feet,
upon which this jar I break

I pour out my life, my heart, my all
what else can I possibly give,
to the man who hung on a tree

My blood covered hands,
raise to Him

This liar, this thief, this whore, this psychopath
Who am I that He embraces me

a hopeless fool,
to hope to grasp
yet His cloak i reach for

He strides the shores of eternity,
the cosmos in His palm,
who am i, that i attempt to understand his omipotence
what hope do i have
to satisfy the unquenchable desires of an infinite being?

so i lay me down
end the masquerade
humble my crowns before his feet

grace amazing
what wondrous glory
to see the Son of Man, hung on a tree
the acceptance & hope He gives to me
a poor broken earthen vessel

so this is my past cathing up with me
so this is how my world spins- out of my grasp
strawberry
so perfect
oh the melodrama
God help me
save me from myself

redemption

i have started reading problem of pain again

i guess havent exactly been investing my time huh
time to start
God help me with the details
so many things undone
things that should be done by now
argh

forgive me God
i've done somethings i shouldn't
let me not wander astray
but let me find myself in You
please

treasures hidden in jars of clay

i think i would like to take this time to thank the people who have really helped me through this past year
a transitional state,
hmm
dunno feel fake calling it that
i think falling away and struggling back stage sounds more appropriate
sometimes i wonder whether what i struggle with is legitimate or whether the manifestation of my schiznophrenic nature

hai
well that asside
thanks jason lee, dom, xingwen, lian, lingquan
maybe ud might ask what u've done but the truth is
when people around u struggle, we feel better
haahah
no really
asside from the sadism
the truth is when we see people around us being real with themselves
we're encouraged to do likewise
and perhaps
being real is something i have to work on

well perhaps i ahve highly overrated myself
but nvr mind
haha
strange
i started blogging honestly with an exhibitionist nature
ahha
but as time when by
and as i realised that only a handful read my blog
haha
if u look at the counter, probably 300 out of 700 are me revisiting my blog to check if the upload works
haha
but ya
there was a hiatus when i didnt see the point in blogging
now i blog because i find it hard to pen down stuff as when in my handwriting, things dont look as meaningful
ahhaha

no really
anways, as the bible says

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 2 cor 4:7

Pero tenemos este tesoro en vasijas de barro para que se vea que tan sublime poder viene de Dios y no de nosotros

sorry, im fascinated with spanish, not that i noe how to speak it
but anyways
reminded that in the end we are the vessels
and the more plain we are
i guess God works best
haha

maybe im comforting myself
since i find myself so plain
haah
well
i guess im not alone
maybe lonely
or maybe jealous of others who can socialise better
but ya
at least God is there for me
although i cant say the opposite is true
hai

but i think i must thank God
for knocking down my house of cards
and letting me realise how much of my faith was just hot air
before i really got burnt
well
enjoy the song
its my favourite

Please take from me my life, when i dont have the strength to give it to You

Jason Lee is leaving for east timor next week
strange really
nvr really appreciated this brother
maybe because he has always been silently influencing from outside the limelight

hai

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

maybe,
maybe i nvr really bothered about the concern he showed, maybe because he wasn't very emotional,
then again, im not
hmm
maybe we're too similar that's why

then again
i guess what really amazes me about his life
his willingness to give up material comforts
and live a life on the edge for God
i couldnt imagine myself without a financial blanket
haha
thank God for my parents
but seriously
his life just speaks volumes
and the words he spoke,
though few
hmm
they cut deep
maybe too deep
maybe that's why i didnt really get to know him

hai
wad a waste

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

i guess that's the part where i take the queue to get my life in order
hai
why do people have to leave before we take what they want to do in our lives seriously
time to open up i guess
i'll nvr forget the pray he prayed for me at our last prayer meeting ( at least i dont want to)
it cut deep i guess
not too much emotiosn stirred
but it cut deep
maybe that suits the both of us more

hai

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

i suppose the last words of a person are important
i guess that's why i want he prayed over me to come to pass
maybe my motivation's more than that
well it was a prayer that answered my prayers
been asking God to speak to me again for some time
hmm
well
now my house of cards has been knocked down
again
it hurts i guess
to learn that these past years have been wasted
because i havent learnt to take off my masks
well
maybe i learnt about the masks in the past year
but i guess it hurts that it took such a long time

but
well
this is me trying to be real
but i dont noe where to start

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

well as that refrain from one of third day songs i like(one of the few)
please take my life
even when i dont have the strength or the guts, or even half a brain
to even sing that song to You

disappointed,
maybe i am,
with the world, with the church
but i guess mostly with myself
fallen so many times
its amazing really
we can find the most absymal reasons to fall
i guess that's human nature
we suck, why, because we're not good at doing anything else

then again maybe that's why i have such a hard time understanding love
i guess before u can love others, u must learn to love yourself
its scary really
that maybe i'm more disappointed with myself than He is of me

well i guess then i have to learn how to place my hope in one who wont disappoint
maybe i've found Him, then again, i probably dont trust enough
well i guess i have to start somewhere

guess i have to start being real
with myself, with others
with Him
but
but maybe i dont really know how
if i wear a mask to hide myself from myself
how to take it off
if u ask me who i am
i cant honestly answer you
maybe i can, if u consider "i dunno" as an answer
well i suppose i cant gripe until ive started
but where to start
hai

maybe
maybe im just scared
of all that possibly could be inside
rejection, lonliness, jealousy, brokenness
pride
oh twisted pride
my turkish delight
my sin

then again
life without Him is unbearable
i guess this is what hell is
life without Him...

i suppose CS Lewis was right
Heaven, if we get there will appear to work backwards through our mortal life,
the events we go through are the stepping stones in which we become what in eternity we should exist as.... not only the end product, but the process is something that focuses on God

i suppose hell is alot like that
in the end
not only the burning sulphur, but possibly the knowledge that we missed the whole point of life
will burn
and possibly worst

haha
just thought of a funny quote
"such wasted potential"
i picked it up from charles xavier
yes
the xman bald dude
haahah
well i suppose if like me,
u spend most of your time living in a fantasy world in your head
u end up thinking of comics
especially the fantasy u indulge yourself in looks alot like the pages of some dark gruesome manga

maybe thats my mask
maybe i should learn to live without my choice escapism
my drug
hai
tough tough
maybe thats why i dont noe myself
always have been too fearful
allowing myself to escape from the tough questions,
to a world where the pain is
is
experienced through the eyes of another
where everything is melodrama
some dark joke or cliche
well
for a time
i used to be addicted to the melodrama we can force upon the world around us
maybe those days arent as gone as i supposed
well what to do
we learn, bit by bit, we learn

maybe thats why i find it so hard to socialise sometimes,
too trapped up in my own world
of perfect characters....
haha
well
perfectly melodramatic if i may put it that way

maybe that's why i have such a hard time accepting life...
cos it doesnty play out like a jap anime
where everyone has a svelte figure, where love occurs far too often albeit under stupid circumstances,
and where little boys and girls contain in themselves some doomsday device

haha
maybe that is the realisation of some innate dormant desire to make a difference
well i suppose there is some truth,
that we all have the potential to make some world changing differences
i just wish the path was as easy and as well-defined as in manga
haha

well at least i have such a desire, even if it doesnt surface
sometimes i wonder if i have emotions
at all
haha
dunno
most of the time, i feel numb-non emotional
some would argue that is an emotion, but
hai
dunno lah
want to stop thinking whether that is because of the way i am or whether it's some lousy excuse
time to stop the excuses i suppose
i need sleep
hehe
well at least that's a more legal form of escapism other than my fantasies

rejection

rejection
maybe i really am suffering from it
hmm
well
i guess like alcoholism the first thing to do is to realise the problem

bah
dunno mans
as much as i want to think things differently
as much as i want to behave differently
well
its tough

maybe i just dun want to face the problems
maybe im scared of what i would dig up if i go hunting for roots
wads under the ground stays there i suppose
either that or it haunts us,
haha
close enough
maybe i just am not willing to forgive
sometimes i just want to walk away
but can i
maybe its gone past that point now

potential what potential
yeah
potential timebomb
potential catastrophie
haha
whee
cant wait
argh
struggling
with what i dun really noe
maybe im just trapped in some delusion of my own making

sent my ipod mini for repairs,
i think im suffering from withdrawal symptoms now,
argh
feel so bored without tt small lousy piece of metal tt served me faithfully till a point....

hai
i used to think i was very smart,
tt i had lots of tact,
tt i knew how to manipulate people,
tot i was a superhero

maybe i was bipolar?
hehe
dunno much now
used to think alot
wonder and doubt
i guess i was wasting my energy
doesnt really matter how much i know
or how much im able to analyse
if i cant do much
doesnt matter

how much is thought worth?
the people i know dont seem to place much value on it

ok
maybe this is a generalization based on the majority
but the truth is that we live in a post-modernistic society
based more on experience and feeling than rational
and so when people choose to ask more questions than is "needed" of them
some people label them as critical

doesnt help much i suppose that most people nowadays now seek for acceptance...
doesnt help much i suppose to think then
wont help u fit in
wait
i guess we wont fit in anyways
does it matter

haha
sadly
the truth is that it matters
it matters because we are human,
we are social creatures
haha
am i
haha

i care
maybe i dun feel sympathy tt often
and i dun say much
dont do much
bah
wad does it matter
i dun noe wad to say or do anymore
i just dont noe
i tot i was smart
but i know tt i was sadly mistaken
like abt so many other things
some deluded fool
no wonder my house of cards collapsed so easily
at least now i dont make any presumptions
maybe because i cant presume anything anymore
or wait
am i deluding myself more
i wish i could say the world was a beautiful place
but then i would be deluding myself
so much hurts
so much rejections and loneliness

i wish i could say the church was a beautiful place
but i guess i couldnt say tt with a straight face

bah
i guess i would be lying if i told u i was a beautiful person
i dont even have a nice personality
hahahahah

no seriously
its not as beautiful as some would make out to believe
too much politics, social dysfunctionalism and
hmm
too much taint of the evil one

but i guess He came down,
lived as one of us
had compassion for us
healed us
met our needs
and died for us

as ugly as that scene was
as much of rejection as He must as felt,
i guess
i guess it was beautiful
in some deep deep way that i fail to see(guess im not very deep)
maybe the church is beautiful, maybe the world aint so ugly
but i guess i still cant say im beautiful
hehe
guess i shd go work on my personality, not rich enough fo surgery, hahahahha
then again, maybe im just deluding myself again,

what happened to grace

acceptance, fellowship, comradeship, fruits of a promised land?
if so, why has it become so lacking, so lacking in the place where it abounds

sure
to the people who "matter" they recieve alot of attention.....
but then again, wouldnt they recieve the same elsewhere?
for all we've preached on love....
how can we love those out there, when we cant even love our own....
or wait
do we even consider them our own?

grace
amazing
really amazing
what have we done to care for the broken and the depressed in our midst
why do we gossip
why do we joke
sure its entertaining but for how long
and at what price
when we laugh it hurts
either that or it hurts others

have we gone past the healthy phase to a place i fear that we've trod on
i'm tired
really
not from lack of sleep at least
or not entirely
its the gnawing weariness, the inexplicable distaught i experience
are we that far off?
or are we missing the mark completely

do we really believe we can reach them out there
when our own are still crying
are still broken
are still lost

have gone from ministry to social group?
have we made a fool of grace?

we learn, bit by bit, we learn

well as my title states, promos are over,
so is open house, so is the crazy rush and prep for both
interesting really
the results are out
i got physicsB, chem A, math A, F math-B, Gp-B3, chinese-D7.
quite good i guess
thank God for the grades.

but what i really want to keep in mind are those who dont automatically promote.
hai
not too few i noe
hmm
less than 30 points
i have no right to say life is fair.... cos ya
i seem to be on the fairer more blessed side...
while i guess there are many who would steal kill and erm well
hmm
who would rather be in my predicament...
but ya
the world sucks at times
and
hmm
i have no words to encourage those who studied hard but have nothing to show for it

the world is unfair.
equally unfair...
not tt knowing tt helps much

honestly ive run out of energy, motivation and juice to blog everyday
haha
and ya,
i guess ive realised my motives, and hmm,
well exhibitionism only lasts as long as u have something u want to show

but well
i guess i have something to share
that being a predicament of mine
the predicament of faith
its strange really,
so much has changed in the recent few years of my life because of "faith"
but change for the better?
i can only hope

it saddens me, to have to admit that it hasnt been always up
in fact at this point, i darent not say my spiritual life has overall improved
im probably only a couple of steps from the first

faith,
something i dare not seperate myself from
but something of which the consequences i dares not bear....
cruel irony, but its not tt which cuts my heart the most
i guess the most painful truth is that ive known Hm for so long, and professed Hm for so long
and i suppose, for a time, lived Him.
but the truth is
where i am now
its almost like a joke
fallen back
maybe worse than before
and all this while in full knowledge of how much He has done
it hurts, also to know He's forgiven me for that...

predicaments,
hai

revival is coming
its not a matter of whether or not
in fact it may already be in motion
the signs are around
i guess the question is
will i be left out of it
left struggling with myself, while others are carried along on the wave
sometimes its this which i fear the most.
which is abit sad
considering that often im not scared of displeasing Him
well
a quote suitable for an ending, but hmm authorwise maybe not

we learn, bit by bit, we learn

back to the narrow path

hai,
i wasted away so much time
complaining griping about my predicaments
and now,
hai
now i just seem so far away from the path i should have been on
hmm
well
at least i've realised my mistake
at least
hehe
anyways
just a piece of advice to those out there who happen to chance across this
hmm
firstly, always spend time with Him
nvr forfeit it for anything
secondly, never forfeit ur participation in ur local church,
hmm
no matter how left out u may feel at times
even if nobody is there for u
at least u belong.... i think, or something like that
thirdly, never get to involved in ur ideas of pessimism,
never romanticise pessimsim, apathy or the like
fourthly, never allow urself grey areas in ur convictions
always be sure of ur stand towards issues, at least issues which are in ur immediate vicinity.
fifthly, never allow ureself to imagine that you have a chance with certain people around u
sixthly, never agree to go out one on one with such a person
seventhly, when it comes to certain issues, nvr let ur hopes get too up, and ya, never let such issues cloud ur judgement or stand
well there are jeremy's 7 pieces of advice
courtesy of the regrets i have had to face over this year
hmm
at least im learning,
i hope

muggers unite

this past week ive been in school mugging everyday
hmm
sorry to those i couldnt meet up with due to this commitment requirement from the sfc chers
hmm
well at least i got a headstart i my revision
haha
hai
i think my mind got warped in the process
25 hours....
hai

Elva Luthien Tinuvel

My new wife, hehe
yeah
new guitar,
i bought it from lillian chew, hmm
good deal mans, then i got jarvis to install a mammoth ivory saddle
jarvis is the man man, hehe
now she sounds so sweet, and has a greater depth,
woah
haha
here are her specs
Top : Solid Spruce
Back & Sides : Wild Cherry
Neck : Silver Leaf Maple
Fingerboard & Bridge : Rosewood
Tusq® nut and compensated saddle
Finish : Semi-Gloss Lacquer
i got the bridge pins changed to black ivory with abalone bits, hmm and ya the saddle is now a mammoth ivory compensated one,
and yeah
she has elixer polywebs,

becoming a mugger

hmm
promos slowly creeping in
i must start to mugg
its inevitable
either that or
hmm
well
what can i do?
ahaha
anyways
to all those who read my blog
sorry for not posting consistantly
unlike some arts fac buggers
like cough cough Mr Lian cough cough
i am not really free...
ahahahah
anyways
i figure its time to start doing some constructive again
hmm
so many things to do in the mean time
hmm
what matters?
in the past
the answer to that question morphed, and ya
basically underwent some fundamental transitions
and i still havent figured it out fully
but hmm
its time to get my head out of my ass
outta my self pity
and procrastination
and do something
i'll leave it to ambiguity and my descretion to decided on concrete plans and actions
ahha
so ya
pray for me
that i will mugg hard
and ya
do my best to glorify God

for those who understand,
for those who care
for thsoe who know me and know what this means
there is a new star in the evening sky
wahahahah
ok nvr mind
u didnt need to noe
so don ask who
what id rather blog about is this strange sentiment,
the unexplained tightening in the gut
hmm

its quite strange
sometimes we go looking
go seeking after some not very edifying thing
and we end up getting more than we bargained for

sometimes
we just happen to be lazing around minding our own business
and it ends up that a certain someone waltzs by
our nose picks up a whiff of foriegn cologne,
our heads turn, we glance around trying hard not to appear to be staring
admire, and maybe goggle too much
hahaha
but seriously

i mean its really ironic
take for example
Joshua Harris, all respect to him
after a bestseller-i kissed dating goodbye,
he gets married and writes- boy meets girl
ahhaha
ok
personally i prefer the cover of i kissed dating goodbye
but well
covers dun make a book
and ya
who am i, some unqualified protaganist,
to make assumptions on books i havent read

anyways
i personally think all this infatuation is not worth it
although it does add colour and vibrance to school life
makes it slightly easier to wake up in the morning
and to stay awake during lectures
makes pe and morning runs less torturous,
makes borin times in the canteen when we just sit stone and stare less boring and more fruitful
as if....
haha
u do the math
hahah
but ya
i think its time i thank God for bringing me through a season
hmm
a rather strange and foriegn season to me

a time of great stupidity,
of infatuations
and the like
of boyish fantasies
uncomfortable stares,
thumping hearts
hormonal imbalances and a couple of other retarded adjectives.
hmm
eye candy is bad
u could get diabetes,
or at least into alot of uncomfortability and deep shit
hahaha
but really
i must give glory to God
for bringing me through a time
when i let my primitive side run loose
and was ruled by hormones rather than logic
where i allowed emotions to cloud my morality and judgement.
hmm
im sorry to anyone who i might have disturbed with any of my wierd stares
or to anyone who might have been hurt by unwarrented comments and strange messages if any
hmm
but ya
i guess ive gotten more used to being around venitians...
took some time i must admit....
bah... sas only breeds monks and despos
hahaha

ok, so ppl do read my blog
haha
anyways, back blogging after a weeks plus hiatus...
not enough time to sleep, so ya,
it naturally follows that id rather spend the little i have left making my eye bags smaller...
this past week/s has been
well interesting

im having the time of my life,
fellowshipping, and mixing with sfc ppl
or rather the sfc exco and friends, hahahah
its really interesting...
honestly if we bother at all to peer past the social stereotypes,
we could get to know alot of sound, admirable fellows...
maybe a tad wierd, not exactly like minded
but ya
diversity brings colour
then again
what colour?
hahahaha
sorry
couldnt resist
for those who dont find it funny
dont try to look for the joke
i wont put anything here(rascist) that could potentially cause me legal trouble....

but ya
got to know better some really cool, really unique
and well,
real different individuals whose company i have strangely found, to enjoy...
but anyway
beyond all this camaraderie
hmm
maybe i really relish this new found christian community
one serious about God,
cross denominational
but ya
equally serious about what counts
and making a difference
at least trying to
hmm

well to cut to a point,
i guess we all need a community
and favourably
one that can accomodate our personal preferences and taste....
at least not condemn without bothering to understand...
we could all do with the affirmation, the edification, the spurring on and encouraging
and maybe even abit of friendly "competition"
maybe im saying all this because i dont exactly get this in another place
or maybe at least not on such a scale....

due to the recent spates of people facing in house suspension in school due to certain acts through blogs
i shall first start with a disclaimer, i will not post any names, at least not run down any names
if i run down anybody, the person shall be anonymous
of cos if the description does match that of certain individuals.....

just wanted to blog about certain details
hm
i think its time to get serious with God again...
i mean really serious
an exciting adventure with Him again....
i miss days gone by
but what choice do i have?
at least he hasnt disowned me yet
hai
if only time would stand still and let us enjoy a moment without regret
anyways
i started this blog because i had lots to say
but now that i have nothing much to say
or rather
maybe ive changed.
well
i guess than my blog has to change too
its not like i have a loyal fan base
hmm
maybe i shd draw some attention to myself by flaming certain ppl at certain institutions and finding myself in shit
but
ya it aint worth it
i mean like
no point expressing dissent about certain ppl here
those individuals are already widely hated
hmm
argh
maybe ive lost my touch
maybe i nvr had once
or maybe ive lost the need to let the angst in me out
hmm

its been such a long time since ive blogged...
school has been killer
after running around for CMW, i had to catch up with my school work, which wasnt very enjoyable...
this is one of the few days where i can afford to laze around and blog (actually i cant but who cares)
anyways hmm

i guess its amazing how things change so fast
and ya, ive changed,
the condition of my heart at least...
cant say im perfectly spiritually healthy
hai
but i guess that is of my own doing...

been really busy
hmm
havent really been reading much lately
but managed to squeeze in some time for a autobiography of JRRT
hmm
the man who gave me and lianny hours of excited discussion in sec sch
ahha
but what i really learnt
how even great friendships, the stuff of legends, can fall apart,
its sad
how to brilliant enigmatic individuals, who could grow so close,
could become so cold
it's tragic really....

i think its time i re-evaluate some of my relationships,
maybe im taking some people for granted
maybe

hai
recently had CMW evaluation
hahahahhaha
its so ironic
but i really want to thank all those who were there for me
especially those who i didnt ask or those who i asked last minute
it has been bitter sweet
haha
really
im not cut out for leading people
not firm enough
hahahaha
but ya
i think the rest did a great job
i'd like to thank Caleb, Dennis, Zhen Xiong, kenneth yoong,
for chipping in
i noe i inconvenienced some of u
but i really appreciate u guys

its strange really, how time progresses.
about this time last yr, i was trying my best to help the BULBS people,
hmm
thought i was doing something great
ahahahha
ironic really

at one point, church life is all that im about
now im barely around
doing more in school
lillian talked to me on saturday
about not commiting my all to school
of how my ministry in school should outflow from my church life
interesting
what outflows from my church life
so much going on
but nothing im in the midst of....
hai
hai
maybe thats how my life is going to be
one regret after another?
nah
its not worth it to regret
but then again what is?
gotta start thinking abt tt one again

homesick

i just feel so out of placed there nowadays
maybe its because ive been committing myself elsewhere
maybe its because im drifting from the people
maybe

it is no longer the same place
no longer the same laughs
no longer the same camadarie
i wish it were
so many times
i wish that we could live forever in a time already past
now there is so much going on that i dont feel like im a part of
so much i am critical about
so much i sneer at
the people there have either changed left, or moved on
i feel as if im trying to chase a rainbow
an ideal so fantastic its no longer real
trying to cling onto a hollow shell that has died out sometime ago

im starting to feel as if i belong elsewhere
ok maybe when i spend most of my time doing stuff for elsewhere
i should feel more my loyalties shifting
maybe

maybe its becausing I see and feel God moving in another place
moving through me that is...
maybe

maybe this place isnt home anymore.....

as entropy would have it
things change
people change
and all we are left with is an ideal
a dream
a memory
the spirit behind that which we cling onto so tightly
and when these slowly wither an die
what then?

think i shall end with a song
by mercy me

You're in a better place,
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

friends

it really takes a crisis or problem situation to open our eyes about the people around us
recently i had to be in charge of the logitical part of cmw
getting ppl to help out was nothing short of a nightmare
people constantly disappearing
offing their handphones
people telling me they werent free on the day itself
it really opens our eyes to the companionship we keep
they dont mind being around when it means laughs and fellowship
but when it means work
although minimal
they disappear
i have to thank the people who stayed on and helped me out
especaills so to those who didnt promise me their help
thank you guys so much

hai
at least those who informed me with prior notice that they were unavailable had some grace
certain ppl i know just told me they didnt want to help hours before
to put it crudely i was really pissed
and i nearly fell out with them
i dun noe how i can face those ppl without thinking lowly of them
i dunno
hai
God help me

i think God has really used the recent CMW and the christian reunion dinner to speak to me
beginning to realise once again the futility of trying to go it alone
hai
should have relied on Him more
should have prayed more
at least when i cried out to Him he was always there for me
i thank Him that even when i turned my back and walked away
He was faithful
and never left me to my plight
constantly wooing my heart,
calling me back
gently convicting me
and stirring my heart
hai
its quite amazing really
God often uses the times when we least expect it to speak to us
maybe it's because we defend least against those times
christian reunion dinner to me at first was just some dinner where we would sit round and talk crap
but apparently God had other plans
hmm
what Mr Victor Wee and mrs tan shared really just touched my heart
about love, it represented by what we commit our time to
and how loving means not complaining or aruging and how as children of God we have so much priveleges and power
and how the world around us is depraved...
what i took away from it mainly is the fact that i have to return to falling in love with God again
i walked so far just to realise this...
i really must thank God again for how he carried me through the cmw period
so much work
and so many problems
but he always provided a way
even though i spent most of the time cursing under my breath rather than crying out to HIm

all this has made me realise

i want to fall in love with Him again

last minute man- your local super hero

if from the title you garner that this post will be highly entertaining/corny/lame...
well u probably don't read my blog much
maybe the reason i don't mind blogging is that deadlines are nonexistence
and the frequency at which i post is totally up to me

as responsibilities pile up,
im beginning to doubt my capabilities
several of my more lackadaisical character traits are coming back to haunt me
maybe i should to be more organised...
hmm
maybe i should be more firm in dealing with people
well
looking at the direction in which things are heading
i think im going six feet under quite soon
lets just sit back and watch me crash and burn
yeah
should prove to be an entertaining show

withdrawal symptoms

feeling as if im suffering from an addiction
the restlessness
boredom unsettles my heart
somethings missing
but i cant seem to find it
nothing seems to bring the thrill
and im not the person i should be anymore
at least im no longer numb
but maybe ive forgotten how to feel properly
as your flesh thaws
i guess it hurts
take me back into secret place
cos i need to see your face
and prostrate at in awe of you again
please
i dun want to wander away anymore
if only i left more than a trail of breadcrumbs
i cant remember how to walk back

swindler

i wish i could take back those words
i may not have bad intentions
but with the hullabaloo about the subconscious mind
who knows now adays
the actions we choose to disown
maybe they are more ours then we choose to believe

took me so long to realise
my own lacernistic nature
swindling other people of their smiles, their joy

nowadays there is so much ambigousity
the worlds becomin a plane of grey
miss the days where it was easy to grasp all that went on
maybe my horizons were smaller than
yeah
ignorance is bliss ain it

the old man in the cardboard box

desolute, broken
a hollow kernal,
my insides bleeding away

trapped by the past,
clinging on to glories, which like the byzantium empire, lie desolate and forgetten

like a caged beast,
beyond the initial savagery in its eyes
subsists a crushed spirit

oh, woe to those who are left behind
to the forgotten warriors
Valhalla's rejects

serendipity
to be the victorious dead

survivors are the ones who live haunted lives,
negotiating with ghosts from a distant time

maybe one day i will catch up with the times
or maybe it may catch up with me

until then
i guess this murky existance will have to continue
this insipid monochrome will continue to dye my vision
save me

discontent

there has been of late,
a silent knawing at my heart
and uncomfortable discontent with certain dilemmas i face around me
moral choices, maybe not that obvious or clear
issues i don't wish to deal with sprout up
confrontations with aspects i thought natural to my being
and of course
where there are people there are bound to be problems
hahah
it creates a problem
when the rules u set for urself,
the rules behind relationships suddenly seem constricting
and u begin silent coup

hai well
sometimes when we see someone close to us struggle,
we feel pain for them
so many people around me
struggling
hai
honestly, i think it's getting hard for me to voice my opinion
maybe because i have ceased to have a politically correct one
or maybe i just don't know myself anymore

Retrospection

It has been some time since I blogged seriously
haven't really had the time
nor the motivation
the common test is over
did ok I guess
comparatively to others
hmm
I have realized that I lack motivation
I have always known this
but this is the first time it has become a glaring need
usually even in my lackadaisical state i know i can pull through academically
well
guess its time i hit the books
soon
hahah

anyways i have realised that i have many friends around
hmm
this may not seem like a big deal to most people
but to a laconic loner like me
i guess it's really testiment to God's goodness
hmm

realized that i no longer blog poems
haha
it started mostly with poems
maybe ive lost touch with my poetic side
haha
or maybe just havent had the mood

wad tempermental creatures we turn out to be

honestly my spiritual life of late has fluctuated quite abit
ocasional highs interrupting periods of lows
hmm
gotta do something abt it
maybe time for a lifestyle change
perhaps

today service was one of the few times i got minsitered to
hmm
maybe because i got a lecture b4 service..........
haha
hmm
but ya
God ministered to me
in what seems like a long time
hmm
didnt expect him to bring up the area of pride
well
haha
been struggling with pride and a host of areas for some time
hai
miss having someone to share with
hmm
nearly got into a fight with someone
hmm
i didnt do anything
hmm
dunno lah
see how it goes lah

stunned myself today...
said something in the midst of a highly irritated state
not to anyone in particular
just an inaudible comment under my breath
but i guess the fact still remains

hai
maybe i can excuse that action
it was done in a highly irrationaly state...
where emotions run high...
and good intentions are the last thing we think about

but then again
if i am half the sentient being i pride myself in being
then i suppose its not really excusable

the stuff we say...
the things we do
that come naturally when we don't think
or when emtions run high....
arent they a reflection of who we are under that mask of premeditative action and reactions?

the words and actiosn we plan are a reflection of our intentions...
or maybe the intentions are subtly hidden behind the good-will which exists as a means to some unscruplous end...
but in the end
i guess the ugly side only shows when our mask slip...

the ugly side..
very much part of us
maybe more so than the act we put on to impress people

the stuff i say when no-one hears....
the stuff i do when no-one sees or knows
maybe that is who i am....
the subconscious aspect at least

well
i suppose that being human...
i am in nature... a waif...
a blackguard..
a rebellious fallen.... creature,
the product of sin

hmm
maybe it wasnt always this way
maybe in the beginning man found it easy to please God, easy to submit
but well, man fell, chose not to submit once
and thus lost the control over the will..
lost the ability to submit...
lost the ability love God out of his nature....
i guess it might seem tough
but well
it was always a condition of rebelling against the one through whom we get the all the authority and ability listed above
it was a stupid thing to do... maybe
i mean to hope hold onto the gifts even when rebelling against the source
but well
stupidity reigned i guess..

anyway
as a result
now....
we're a disgusting bunch of by products
creatures by nature supposed to be fair, terrible and awesome
now twisted in their very nature by sin
to become ugly, pathetic, and disgusting

im not making an excuse for who i am
yes, it maybe my nature...
something that i didn't chose but inherited....
but still
being in the state that i am
i am and well should be disgusted at the state i am
the actions i perform...
the result of a nature not of my choosing
still are... sins,
and i am well aware and ashamed of that fact...
well
i guess the only right reaction would be to change
but ya
guess thats what i always trying to do
always will be trying i guess
until maybe im done here
then another path we take up my preoccupation...

hmm
want to end up with a lesson i learnt from a certain elderly and well-respected member of the teaching staff at my alma mater(cough cough... im talking rubbish) Julia Huang....
she wasnt well loved
particularly by me
but i did learn stuff from her

that all the recent hype about the power of the subconscious and the wealth and treasure in unlocking its capabilities is bull
the man being man.... has the tendency to sin
this being subconscious...
the subconscious leaves us open to many things...
and many beings..
some not having very amiable intentions..
so
well
instead, invest in the conscious mind
filling it with culture and knowledge..
making character and culture second nature..
the betterment of the individual
hmm
well
i shall stop here
and haha
maybe start walking the talk........

the more things i presuppose and say
the bigger the hypocrite i become
well
i suppose we all must start by being hypocrites..
but well
let me not be the one to stay there

the recent common tests have made me come to several conclusions

for one, i am to a certain extent apathetic abt my academic future...
hmm
didnt really study hard for the common test
didnt study at all for chinese
although i need a d to get into uni
hmm

strangely ive been enjoying the test period
late nights
late mornings
eating instant noodles at home b4 going to sch
hahah

but ya
i come back relatively earlier from school
guess its a kind of break from both the usual rush of school and the mundaneness of the holis
a strange balance

on more serious matters...
honestly i feel kind of left out/behind from the recent hmm
bustle of activity in church
everyone else just seems so enthusiastic and doing so much
i dun share in excitement and passion
makes one wonder
am i really aloof and unfeeling?

at least im not the only one feeling this way
hmm
even though God is really working
can see the enemy's work all around
both in my own life
as well as wad i see in others
hai
i guess it is true that everyday is a struggle, both against our flesh and the enemy
it may seem wierd
but sometimes i feel more attached to sfc people than church people
maybe bcos of the lack of ppl in church around my age grp....

im probably gonna get into trouble for certain actions of mine......
hmm
i dun really feel that they were wrong things to do
but
well
"certain" people dun seem to think so
anyways
it seems my opinion doesnt really matter to "them"
well
to the people it does matter to
im sorry if i dun think the way i shd
and i thank you for caring abt my opinion

i'd really like to use this space on my blog to thank glen ong-the pope....
An ode to the pope.....
haha

thanks so much for your contributions to the youth min
especially in your helping out with the sound system
you are a mentor, teacher, friend and father to us in many ways...
i remember the days when i used to visit your office after school
enjoy air con and ur company
i also the old days of sfc
thanks for making the time really fruitful
i learnt alot from those times
and i really valued those few hours spent in the chapel
they were the most refreshing and valuable hours on school days
and thank you for the things you taught me, the things you said to me to encourage me
many times confusion was just so rampant in my mind
and i was struggling to the point of giving up
but u came along and gave ur two cents
and ya
it made a great difference in my situations

you were always there to spur me on
gently enough not to hurt
but provocative enough to invoke to action...
you gave alot of us the example to follow
gave us hope i knowing that it was/is possible to get so far from wad we in our rotten detestable state are
through your testimony
u gave hope to a pessimistic gloom addict
that maybe it isnt all that hopeless
that we can overcome, maybe not through our own strength but thru Gods...
and i thank you
for everything
may the hard work sweat and tears u invested in me
and the hope, love and expectations you place in me and on me not go to waste
i pray

lorn... lost... nearly

hooked on my own vomit...
pathetic..
disgusting
trapped by my own ill-discipline
trapped by the matrices of my own mind
hardened
repelled
i do what i can to numb the pain....
i walk away

but You call out my name
and it is enough
to hear Your voice crying for me
this undeserving waif
it breaks me

the knowledge of Your grace
building me up and tearing me down
the irony all too painful-
that which i can never deserve
is poured down like rain

How could i ask for more?
yet the painful truth is that i often ask for less
for more kindess- and less love
for painless moulding- and less of a destiny
for less responsibilities- and a dimmer reflection of Your glory
for less pains- and less joy

awesome, terrible, You are God indeed
Your gentle touch- smashing through the defences of my heart
Your unquenchable love and fire- leaving me longing for more, yet cowering in fear
why You took favour in a pusillanimous wimp,
i still fail to fathom
but what choice do i have?
to rebel against the very source of my being
or to submit to that which rebels against my nature

the age old paradox
...

i thank God
that eternity....
eternity is not part of time
and that when i reach beautiful shore (not if-by faith)
this struggle with joy will be a joke of the past.....
lets hope i get there


hmm
i may not be the eternal optimist
but i guess even a diehard pessimist has to submit to the omnipotent

somber song

walking home alone in the moonlight...........
thought about stuff
.....

catching a butterfly(maybe a moth or two)
gazing at the stars above
blasting music on a sound system
sitting in the back seat
gropin around in the dark
making imprints of faith
leaving impressions on people's hearts (maybe stealing a few)
feelin blue
being blue
writing letters
singing songs
sharing food
crunching nuts
chatting
laughing
drinking poor man's hot chocolate (milo),
drinking coffee,
drinking beer.... root/ginger beer
playing mind games
maintaining the deception
taking the plunge together,
throwing ourselves off the edge
caught in time by loving hands


life is more than eating pork chops and chicken chops (and maybe a leg of lamb)
more than black or white
more than an anthem, more than a hymn
more than a song that never ends

chrysanthemums mean i'm sorry...
i really am
sorry that i'm too caught up in my own hypocrisy and oxymorons
sorry that i'm too messed up at the moment to help,
sorry that the bittersweet ironies hurt me so much that i can't sooth your wounds

i wish it could be like that old song says:
lean on me, if ur not strong............
i guess to a degree it's already like that

hahah
we're so far from each other... maybe even worlds apart
ironically our greatest similarity is probably that we both have an imbalance up there- although maybe the distortion may be on different planes.....hmm
hahah
ok lah
maybe there are more similarities than that.....
drawn by a common love,
drawn by a common One.....

maybe one day....
in a field of wild flowers.....


i shall end my post with the lyrics of a song
hmm
it is quite disney... but hey
we do find treasures in the trash sometimes right?....

here it is:
sarah mclachlan - when she loved me
When Somebody Loved Me
Everything Was Beautiful
Every Hour We Spent Together
Lives Within My Heart
And When She Was Sad
I Was There To Dry Her Tears
And When She Was Happy So
Was I
When She Loved Me

Through The Summer And The Fall
We Had Each Other That Was All
Just She And I Together Like It Was Meant To Be
And When She Was Lonely I Was There To Comfort Her
And I Knew That She Loved Me

So The Days Went By I Stayed The Same
But She Began To Drift Away
I Was Left Alone
Still I Waited For The Day
When She'd Say "I Will Always Love You..."

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she'd look my way
She smiled at me and held me just like she use to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When Somebody Loved Me
Everything Was Beautiful
Every Hour We Spent Together Lives Within My Heart
When She Loved... Me...

u take all

once again,
i find myself on the outside staring in
i stop awhile and contemplate
the juxtaposition of what is and what could be

my heart, hardened, enclosed
a reflex probably the result of years of hurts
my psyche clouded with doubts
confusion so rampant
yet something compels me to respond
it's probably the way You meant it to be
to respond to Your love, Your gift
even when both my heart and head tugg me in the other direction
i should still respond to You,
i should............

i want to give thanks
really i do,
but my heart is just so hard,
and doubts and uncertainties just flood over me

i want to testify
but the words just don't seem to come out right
my tone pseudo
my register forced
my confession, a masked represntation of my true emotions and thoughts
a hypocritucal statement

i want to pray
but i just cannot count the cost
and my voice falters and fails

let this song to You be the words i can't say
the life i fail to live
let it be the prayer of my heart
the foundation of my will

so i cry out with all i am
this prayer i can neither feel nor mean
i can only hope it reaches Your ears
and that You'd come
and take my all

rgen camp

my church's youth camp: accelerate just finished
it was really a one of a kind experience
although i must confess to not being that thankful,
(hmm maybe cos i did more sai kang then fun activities)
but ya
God moved in an awesome way
can see his hand really so tangibly moving in my life and that of the other campers.

hmm
well, i went late cos had some temasek seminar thingy
so i missed the ice breaking games
which i heard were really crazy
but anyways the first night session itself was so powerful
ps ben just honestly shared with us his struggles
and it was followed by a period of public confession of sins
followed by people reconciling with each other,
and then appreciating each other

the devotion the next morning was fruitful, although not long enough
hmm
i miss having devotions and stuff like tt with cheryl chen
anyways
there were later teaching sessions and then games
the starwars game was fun
but i had more fun after tt water bombing ppl
especially the more shriekish girls

hmm
the night session tt day ended with an alter ministry whereby we prayed tt those who nvr encountered Jesus b4 to encounter him

the 3rd day was the most fun
the 4th teaching session was one on deliverence
whereby we had a deliverence ministry time
interesting
was delivered of bondage to com games and some past hurts
hmm must fast from com games
the luther music ppl set up the sound system by the time we were done
so cool
at 1.30
we embarked from the GB hq to kovan and then to orchard
trying to drag strangers from the street back to our campsite
hmm although didnt really get many ppl back
it was a new exciting experience
really encouragin to see all the powerpuff girls going out so boldly and inviting ppl
after tt returned back to camp
then i rushed in doing eq and sound check
so stress
had so little time and the musicians and vocalists werent ready
had a very short practice window of abt 15 mins
then had to start the "concert"
hmm
didnt get to eat
anyways
handling the sound system was nvr so stressful
lack of practice time
flood lights blinding my eyes
not being able to hear wad the audience heard
hmm
it was tough
and i had a headache
but thank GOD for the 32 SALVATIONS tt night
yeah

hmm
ate dinner after tt
then slept like 3 hrs b4 lights out

next day
hmm
ate breakfast too long
then rushed to pack
then rushed to aid gerald tan who was manning the sound system
hmm
then had a time of testimonies
and then a celebratory praise
haha
my first time leading the "train"
haha
a little sad tt the praise wasnt tt long
hmm
after tt stress man
had to check off all the sound stuff
and then pack them into dougs van
of course had pic taking
anyways
after tt guarded our stuff as douglas made mutiple trips with his van
hai
couldnt join my grp for lunch
then took a taxi back home
then im updating my blog now hehe

sfc camp

as requested by a friend, i shall go into some of the details of the sfc camp
after that certain person left, hmm
we played a game called romanopoly, where beans were credits
people earn beans by flipping coins(gambling with each other)
if u earn enough coins, u can buy a pavillion,(they are limited in offer)
eh, a pavillion allows u to sit, relax and eat free food which is provided
if lose all ur beans, u become a slave,
u can go on trips on the silk road in search of fortune,
and u can go to jail as either result of cheating or a consequence of the silk road.

hmm
many funny incidents happened as a result,
people sending slaves on the silk road,
people begging or scavenging,
people gambling away huge fortunes all at one go,
people like me going into earlier retirement, buying a pavillion, donating away most of my beans, setting up a social welfare club, and sitting there laughing at people going around trying to earn more beans

hmm
after tt got another blindfold game
grps set a verbal means of communication(not a language)
are seperated, then have to try and regrp
after tt we learnt a mass dance for the planetshakers song, running after u

hmm
alot of us didnt slp tt night
stayed up and wrote hearts,
some of us got CMW meeting
haha
i slept in the AVA at 4.45
woke up in the middle of my slp with a leg cramp
set there stoning in pain until the cramp went away, then went back to slp
hmm

the nxt morn, we bid for food using the points we collected.
all the food stuff wasnt identified and was hidden in bags,
so some grps got good stuff
some got garlic, onion or carrots for a heavy price
after that got some worship and after tt an extended worship,
then after tt got some iniation, which the person whom im writing this for was present for, so i shant go into much detail
hmm
then had a buffet, where the food was really good,
especially the mushroom soup, fish and garlic bread
hmm
after tt we broke camp
some of us stoned around until nobody to stone with
others went to watch a movie

i stoned until 4.30, then i went home and slept 14 hrs straight,
so there
my account
heheh
hope the person is satisfied

sfc camp

Alot went on during the sfc camp.

Honestly i went without expecting much.
but God did so much, much beyond what i expected.
I encountered him again in worship,
felt his presence
both in the intellectual and emotional aspects.

He drew me near to Him again,
and began to deal with me.

are there really words to express the gratitude i should have for what He has done?
are there really emotions strong enough or actions apt enough to respond to his abounding love?
Expressions no matter how elaborate still fall short,
even if i could wax lyrical about all He has done,
i'd rather not embarass myself.
Instead, let my life be the words that i desire to utter,
my intentions and actions be my response to the numinous
wad good are words if i can't even do this

God pick me up when i fall short,
strengthen me, empower me, even if i forget to ask.
do not hold my iniquities against me, for they are far too onerous for me
sustain me, keep me close to Your side.
and if my heart wonders, bring me back
please

Psalm 38
A psalm of David. A petition.
1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 For your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down upon me.

3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
my bones have no soundness because of my sin.

4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.

5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.

6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.

7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.

8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.

9 All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.

10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.

12 Those who seek my life set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they plot deception.

13 I am like a deaf man, who cannot hear,
like a mute, who cannot open his mouth;

14 I have become like a man who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.

15 I wait for you, O LORD;
you will answer, O Lord my God.

16 For I said, "Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips."

17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.

18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.

19 Many are those who are my vigorous enemies;
those who hate me without reason are numerous.

20 Those who repay my good with evil
slander me when I pursue what is good.

21 O LORD, do not forsake me;
be not far from me, O my God.

22 Come quickly to help me,
O Lord my Savior.

Lamentations 1:6-7

6 All the splendor has departed from the Daughter of Zion. Her princes are like deer that find no pasture; in weakness they have fled before the pursuer.
7 In the days of her affliction and wandering Jerusalem remembers all the treasures that were hers in days of old. When her people fell into enemy hands, there was no one to help her. Her enemies looked at her and laughed at her destruction.

I miss the vision of a white fortress on a hill,

its adamency, its strength,

the hope it gave to men.

I miss the splendour of Your presence,

my source of strength, my source of joy

I miss Your embrace, they love, the peace, the joy, the hope You gave me

I miss the tears i shed, tears which You stored up and treasured.

I miss the sound of Your voice, as i communed with You everyday.

Jesus, take me back in

Dun be far off anymore,

come and take me, quickly

moving on

Finally getting my head outta the nonsense,
coming back to Him,
never knew how empty life could get until i started to walk away.

Realised my real depth,
probably 3 inches, maybe less
rash, tempermental, irrational idiot that i am.

Anyways, been drowning in sch work,
But ya, i think it's time to get less distracted, spend more time with Him.

I only wish i had someone to share with again.
Argh, i miss dom, xie, and having cc as a cell leader

Its abit/alot hard finding ppl to share with when im defensive as this,
well I shot myself in the foot i guess,

anyway, good to know that there are many Christians in the school
seems like such an obvious statement,
but truth is, I'm just beginning to realise that there are so many ppl who are so interested and enamoured with God
maybe their not in sfc but ya, they are serious bout him

hmm, maybe comforting to know tt some of these are more interoverted,
more serious about depth, and a more intellectual enjoyment of Him,

I wish it were easier to return to that point again, where he took my whole attention(and affection) so easily.

hmm, met some really interesting ppl in sch,
interoverted ppl with less self-confidence who lean to a more perceptive disposition.
hmm, love is in the air?
ahahhahah, sorry crapping

anyway, i think there is beauty in sadness, in defeat, in quiet ppl who are crushed, messed up and struggling,
maybe tts bcos i try to pretend im beautiful, ahahhaha
but really, its comforting to know that there are such ppl around who try,
maybe i ought to try harder.

there is a beauty in grey, in the undefined, ambigousity and uncertainty that often clouds ones(my) mind,
a comfort in black, in the nothingness, in the void that remains when all else fades away,
a depth in blue, the mournful acceptance of reality, its cold unforgiving taste that makes us cry out to God again.

Well, here i go,
Gonna cry out to God,
and abandon myself to his will again
Who am i doing this for?
maybe her,
who cares, He's gonna change my perspective anyway if i let him

rain rain come again

I has been too long since it rained

Rain,
Heaven's dew
waking me from my numbness
my slumber

Rain
Blood poured out
washes away my sin, shame
my guilty stains

Rain
elixir of life
dressing my wounds
soothing the hurts

Rain
its torrents
Overrunning my defences

Rain
Tears from above,
Wipes away my painted mask
Showing me for who i am

Rain
Your life
Your love
Taking my heart again

It has been too long since it rained

A song so familiar,
a stanza i know by heart.
but when i try to sing it,
it doesn't come out right
my lips falter,
my voice fails
words once embraced so tight
now burden my heart.

so i haved reached my lowest.
Stumbled so far off track
now i'm living each day without purpose,
drifting along the waves of circumstance,
carried along by the tide

take me back again
into Your arms
i miss Your embrace
to hear You say, this child's mine

dunno

saw her running today,
argh,
a face and a name,
thats all i know about her, save some observations from afar,
part of me wants to get to know her better,
but that's only one part.
Why bother when im fated to crash and burn?
why chase a dream when it'll probably mean me falling on my face again

My life of late seems to be one long series of bad choices
I dunno,
is my share, my plot?
Pray for me
Cause im far, very far from the course i once pursued

lmao

The only reason why im posting such a lame post,
i'm blogging from school.
JC life is so much more hectic than what i'm used to
So much to do, so many deadlines,
so little time to do other things
hai

I'm having a hard time coping with both PW and chinese,
argh chinese, the tongue of the orientals
the bane of man,

at least the camaraderie makes up for it abit

well this is me, facing a new phase of my life.
Dealing with so many more problems and experiences
well at least there's much more eye candy than sec sch
especially my sec sch, hahahah, since its a all boys sec sch
Anyways, things have changed much.
I have changed alot, maybe too much
To be frank, i won't say my relationship with Him is going that smoothly
My relationship with the church? hai

Winds are changing,
and i'm standing on strange ground
I just pray i find my feet before i fall

I came across this really cool T-shirt design
Why men are happier
Car mechanics tell you the truth
The world is your urinal
wrinkles add character
chocolate is just another snack
you know stuff about tanks
you can open your own jars
three pairs of shoes is enough
your last name stays put
you only have to shave your face

distracted, chasing after a rainbow

i couldnt help laughing when i saw this newly released donghaeng comic(its the post b4 this)
Jokes are most funny when they hurt,
paradoxical aint it,

well, i feel it speaks so much to me
gotten so distracted,
chased after so many ideals
seeked satisfaction from many sources
and all i can conclude
is like wad the wisest man said so long ago
meaningless, meaningless,
Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.

seeked fufillment in so many places,
and just ended up more empty than before
wad pricks my heart so bad is the knowledge that God wants to bless me so much
its just that im finding it so hard to come back to him
i guess this is why i shouldnt have entertained thoughts of leaving Him in the first place

cos the trail of bread crumbs has been consumed,
and i don't remember the way back

so this is chasing the rainbow
chasing the illusive dream
all you find is a circular phenomenen in the sky.
I gave up true light, for a distorted, coloured image of it
so this is how i've walked.
too far off,
too far down
God help me

dong haeng

worlds apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Some how it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icharus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

thrilless

Nothing seems to be of interest anymore.
i dunno,
wad i want seems so far out of reach,
everything else that seemed pragmatic and prudent has just lost its luster,
as someone told me before,
im becoming motivated only by the prospect of discomfort,

In simpler terms, i do all i can to avoid possible unpleasantries,
instead of chasing after what would be desirable

is that what it has come down to?
even lower primates and other animals know how to perform tasks to avoid discomfort
have i fallen to such a stage?
no ambition what so ever?
no goals what-so-ever
nevermind whether short term or long term but none at all?

looking at current circumstances,
well i've actually been really blessed recently
isit as rev. tony said
when we satisfy the physical but not the spiritual,
we end up really disastisfied.
i wonder whether thats my case
everything seems to be going well
but why isit i find it so hard to find satisfaction?

whose face is that in the mirror?

stripping the girth(sorry lian),
someone tagged that about my blog

I like hanging out with thinkers
people with much insight and depth,
people who know what is going on
not that i don't like hanging out with people who fit a more proactive mould
but, well, i like people to debate with
people who can hold their own in a logical debate

then again, i guess such people encourage me to practice introspection
they tell me when im screwing up my own life
like a mirror, they show me what i am,
whether i like it or not

some people think that what i write shows who i am inside
gives people a view into the unadulterated version of my thought and emotional plane
i suppose it does,
then again
emotions are flippant, like the wind, unpredictable and unreliable
my thoughts,
candidly, i don't know what im thinking or what i should think anymore

some say writing helps us make sense of the confusion
it does i suppose
penning down stuff makes them in a sense concrete facts,
not the vague uncertain entity that thoughts often come as
writing then gives us insight into what we think and feel,
letting us focus on what we should then do

i wish such good advice were given to me as to how to deal with apathy

is this really the state of my heart?
emotions are undulating
most of the time by the time i start writing, the initial sentiment is gone

when i started this blog
i wanted to capture in essence, me
my principles, my stands,
the character, that makes me who i am (and other chauvanistic stuff)
then before i could,
got abit messed up
confused, for a time i didnt know what i really stood for.

i guess it's like what CS Lewis writes in A Grief Observed
"my faith was like a house of cards
and God had to knock it down"
and i was left groping around the debris
finding for the parts that were castle,
now, im back to building
he also writes that God will continue knocking down our house of cards as many times as he needs to
wheeee
i think the reason i like that book so much is that for the first time
CS Lewis seemed to find cracks in his logic
and he was left struggling in that fog of uncertainty
something that im so acquanted to

I think I'll for the moment stop trying to figure out who i am
i guess what matters more is what He intends me to become
I just hope that i'll be able to do more than think that way

season changing

the frost starts to thaw,
blades of grass like shards of another reality
slice through the blanket of white
breaking the dreary boredom
the sun, no longer a stranger, breaks the gloom
finally, the season starts to change

sweet chirping pierces the air
a sense of suspense and thrill,
replaces the taste of ash and sackcloth
and a heart wakes from its slumber

even in all the revelry and excitement
i sense an uncertainty and fear
maybe i dwelled in the shadows too long
grown accustomed to the darkness
whatever it may be,
the unfamiliar light stings my eyes and causes me to squint

truth, cuts through my hollow shield, showing my rotton epicenter for what it truly is
i find myself having walked around in circles,
my head following my behind
having let me spiral downwards into a rut

i have to learn to walk again

even though the sun is out
the sidewalks are frosty,
and i have already fallen once

the fall has proven unforgiving
i hesitate to go on fearing that i might fall back to the dark slumber that covered me
yet, fear drives me on.
fear that if i remain still,
winter might overtake me
and my heart may never be thawed out again

blood ransom

a bleeding corspe struggled up an unforgiving hill
two sticks on his back
humiliated, broken, pesevering only my will
he continues on this desperate road

a path he threads which leads to death
yet he boldly carries on
the load he carries, unmeasurable
the iniquities of a dying world

my own bare hands, nailed him to the cross
my voice in the crowd rang out mocking
and yet he took it all
the sin and shame
for a wretched scoffer like me

even then i rebel,
give in to my carnal nature
drawn to my misery, i forsake joy
yet he hangs with arms outstretched
bleeding for my redemption

such love, such grace, such beauty
potrayed in a murial painted with blood
a blood ransom so costly,
the proof of love

delirious, disillisional

In the midst of the storm you called out to me
Drawing me to a place of sunshine and rainbows
Trusting you i let my guard down
Followed in tow in search of contentment

Foolishly i opened my heart to you
Allowed myself to become enthralled by you
Gave my all in hope of fulfillment of fantasy
Threw myself before you at your mercy

Then you looked at me
Your words, ice cold, cut at me
Like looking in a shattered mirror
My reflection became broken again

Pain so bad, i grin and bear it
Put on a false front, feigned apathy
Yet deep inside of me,
a wound, unhealed

i steady my hands, struggling not to let them tremble
i mask my face, to hide my hurts
my voice fake, in an attempt to stop its wavering
tears flowing, pouring out from my gushing heart

Maybe its for the best
Maybe pains all i need to wake me up
Cruised too long, got used to it
Is this my wake up call?

Face so innocent, voice so sweet
a dispostion so naive

Was it intentional?
Did you lead me on?
Or was it my own mind making me chase the rainbows
Running me against a stake

Dillusional, maybe i've become
numbed the pain, for a while
when will i be strong enough to cry?

standing in awe, overwhelmed

the passage from the bible i posted below is some stuff that i read just now while doing my quiet time
the past week has been quite rocky and i have lost my focus

so many times i blame God
in the past year alone
i think i have blamed him for so many things
all my failings as well as unfavourable circumstances

i guess i neede a reminder of who is in charge

Job 38:1-42:6

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:
2 "Who is this that darkens my counsel
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone-
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels [a] shouted for joy?

8 "Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt'?

12 "Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 "Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death [b] ?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 "What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 "Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
26 to water a land where no man lives,
a desert with no one in it,
27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 "Can you bind the beautiful [c] Pleiades?
Can you loose the cords of Orion?
32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons [d]
or lead out the Bear [e] with its cubs?
33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God's [f] dominion over the earth?

34 "Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
36 Who endowed the heart [g] with wisdom
or gave understanding to the mind [h] ?
37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 "Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

Job 391 "Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
2 Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?
3 They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.
4 Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return.

5 "Who let the wild donkey go free?
Who untied his ropes?
6 I gave him the wasteland as his home,
the salt flats as his habitat.
7 He laughs at the commotion in the town;
he does not hear a driver's shout.
8 He ranges the hills for his pasture
and searches for any green thing.

9 "Will the wild ox consent to serve you?
Will he stay by your manger at night?
10 Can you hold him to the furrow with a harness?
Will he till the valleys behind you?
11 Will you rely on him for his great strength?
Will you leave your heavy work to him?
12 Can you trust him to bring in your grain
and gather it to your threshing floor?

13 "The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on the ground
and lets them warm in the sand,
15 unmindful that a foot may crush them,
that some wild animal may trample them.
16 She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;
she cares not that her labor was in vain,
17 for God did not endow her with wisdom
or give her a share of good sense.
18 Yet when she spreads her feathers to run,
she laughs at horse and rider.

19 "Do you give the horse his strength
or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?
20 Do you make him leap like a locust,
striking terror with his proud snorting?
21 He paws fiercely, rejoicing in his strength,
and charges into the fray.
22 He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
he does not shy away from the sword.
23 The quiver rattles against his side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.
24 In frenzied excitement he eats up the ground;
he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.
25 At the blast of the trumpet he snorts, 'Aha!'
He catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

26 "Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom
and spread his wings toward the south?
27 Does the eagle soar at your command
and build his nest on high?
28 He dwells on a cliff and stays there at night;
a rocky crag is his stronghold.
29 From there he seeks out his food;
his eyes detect it from afar.
30 His young ones feast on blood,
and where the slain are, there is he."


Job 401 The LORD said to Job:

2 "Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!"

3 Then Job answered the LORD :

4 "I am unworthy-how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer-
twice, but I will say no more."

6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

7 "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

8 "Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God's,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at every proud man and bring him low,
12 look at every proud man and humble him,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

15 "Look at the behemoth, [i]
which I made along with you
and which feeds on grass like an ox.
16 What strength he has in his loins,
what power in the muscles of his belly!
17 His tail [j] sways like a cedar;
the sinews of his thighs are close-knit.
18 His bones are tubes of bronze,
his limbs like rods of iron.
19 He ranks first among the works of God,
yet his Maker can approach him with his sword.
20 The hills bring him their produce,
and all the wild animals play nearby.
21 Under the lotus plants he lies,
hidden among the reeds in the marsh.
22 The lotuses conceal him in their shadow;
the poplars by the stream surround him.
23 When the river rages, he is not alarmed;
he is secure, though the Jordan should surge against his mouth.
24 Can anyone capture him by the eyes, [k]
or trap him and pierce his nose?

Job 411 "Can you pull in the leviathan [l] with a fishhook
or tie down his tongue with a rope?
2 Can you put a cord through his nose
or pierce his jaw with a hook?
3 Will he keep begging you for mercy?
Will he speak to you with gentle words?
4 Will he make an agreement with you
for you to take him as your slave for life?
5 Can you make a pet of him like a bird
or put him on a leash for your girls?
6 Will traders barter for him?
Will they divide him up among the merchants?
7 Can you fill his hide with harpoons
or his head with fishing spears?
8 If you lay a hand on him,
you will remember the struggle and never do it again!
9 Any hope of subduing him is false;
the mere sight of him is overpowering.
10 No one is fierce enough to rouse him.
Who then is able to stand against me?
11 Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything under heaven belongs to me.

12 "I will not fail to speak of his limbs,
his strength and his graceful form.
13 Who can strip off his outer coat?
Who would approach him with a bridle?
14 Who dares open the doors of his mouth,
ringed about with his fearsome teeth?
15 His back has [m] rows of shields
tightly sealed together;
16 each is so close to the next
that no air can pass between.
17 They are joined fast to one another;
they cling together and cannot be parted.
18 His snorting throws out flashes of light;
his eyes are like the rays of dawn.
19 Firebrands stream from his mouth;
sparks of fire shoot out.
20 Smoke pours from his nostrils
as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.
21 His breath sets coals ablaze,
and flames dart from his mouth.
22 Strength resides in his neck;
dismay goes before him.
23 The folds of his flesh are tightly joined;
they are firm and immovable.
24 His chest is hard as rock,
hard as a lower millstone.
25 When he rises up, the mighty are terrified;
they retreat before his thrashing.
26 The sword that reaches him has no effect,
nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.
27 Iron he treats like straw
and bronze like rotten wood.
28 Arrows do not make him flee;
slingstones are like chaff to him.
29 A club seems to him but a piece of straw;
he laughs at the rattling of the lance.
30 His undersides are jagged potsherds,
leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing sledge.
31 He makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron
and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.
32 Behind him he leaves a glistening wake;
one would think the deep had white hair.
33 Nothing on earth is his equal-
a creature without fear.
34 He looks down on all that are haughty;
he is king over all that are proud."


Job 42
Job 1 Then Job replied to the LORD :

2 "I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.'
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes."