lies are brought to light,
darkness breaks at the coming of dawn
apathy melts away like frost under the sun

breakthrough
truths driving out the confusion
all the hurts are let go,
the walls come down

You are faithful Oh God
You never let go of me
take my heart, take all of it again
bring me back to that place of close communion

ice queen

a taste of ardour in the air
the debauched indulgence all around me
temporary madness, infatuation, it seems like a dream
yet i remain detached,
maybe not by choice,
but well, its for the best

yet somewhere in me is a longing a desire
springing up from carnality,
i choke it, preventing it from growing
but it never fully dies

i sat there apathetic
then she walks by,
our eyes meet,
for the first time she doesnt look away
she stares

eyes full of hostility,
yet....
maybe something else

her frosty demeanour, her gentle touch
two cold blade that cut at my heart again and again
why do i continue such?

is there really a hope in one day breaking through the ice
to one day explore the depths that so enchanted me?

must i continue to delude myself
will i get overcome by winter?

longing

stupidity, perhaps the only constant in my behaviour
how far have i wandered really?
chased after false contentment,
left empty
detached

i should have learnt to be content,
but now i can only long for a time now past
and im left here
stranded,
with no idea how to get back

if only i could confide in the big man up there
but i've lost connection, and perhaps i've forgotten how
or maybe its just akward
Lord help me please
even if i don't want it
take me away from all that
the snares, the broken dreams
wake me up from this apathetic dream

Lost Paradise

My soul's so dark - my mind is so black
My life seems so cold under my Mask.
My twisting thoughts they're piercing my mind.
They crash all my fun - my love and my life.

I remember paradise - a pardise long ago
Now eternal winter - my paradise is lost - my paradise is gone.

Drown all my sorrows - drowned in my hate.
Dwelling in darkness - just forget my fate.
I don't know what's wrong - I don't know what's right.
Where are my powers - my powers are gone.

My memories of paradise once have been my life.
Black waves close over my head - death will be salvation.

the dillusion fades,
the illusive dream dies,
and im left trying to grasp the void i threw myself into

i took analgesic to numb the pain
but the effects are wearing out,
and im left feeling dazed

left stunned by change,
i long for times now but a memory
out of place,
like a runner with no race,
i feel despair slowly creeping in

drawn now to a darkness once so familiar
to an tune of pain, despair,
to the empty desolution that i experience all to often

romanticism of emptyness?
is that all thats left of me?
burying my head in lies
taking false comfort in what is not there

Oh God open my eyes again,
thaw my heart,
to know how much i need You again

wandered off the path
took the slippery slope downwards
gave my heart over to idols
forsook the love I chrished
drawn by fools gold
chasing an illusive dream

empty, dillusional, numbed
got hurt pursuing roads that led no where
took back my life into my hands
lost it in the process
lost, broken, an empty shell

grace, amazing, uncalled for
He came after this prodigal son
took me into His arms again
tended to my wounded soul

am i an ingrate?
how long before my restless heart stops wandering away?
such a fool
forsaking all that mattered
unwilling to return
how much more must i get burnt?

JC

hmm
2 days in JC, things are so different there
see so many different people now
back in SA it was well, comfortable and routine i guess,
not many new people to get to know,(not many i wanted to get to know either)
hmm
but well
met alot of i guess nice people,

its amazing really, what draws me back to God
hmm
i really thought after the 1st day tt JC would be my burial ground
the place where with all the worldliness, peer pressure and secularism,
i would be drawn by fools gold
sucked into a self destructing state of appeasing my carnality
but well
in the last 40 mins of day 2 things changed so much

hmm
firstly i'd like to thank Thaddy, hehe
God used you to speak to me alot even though you didnt realise it
its like
now there is a draw again
hmm
well
even though its not from church
and well
hmm
maybe i got some other interest that isn't really right,
well
God is drawing me back
i just hope i can submit

hmm
some people seem so on fire for God
and well
honestly, im quite ashamed
my heart so drawn by other things
help me Lord to come back

drawn away by temporal lights
given my heart to useless idols,
i have wondered away,
walking now after things i once condemned
have i reached a point of no return?
given in to sensuality and my carnal desires?

even then i feel the small plea in my heart
begging me to return
once again the Saviour knocks on the door, asking to be let in
His grace simply overwhelms me,
washing over me
how long more will i run before i give in?
break my will
do it fast
don't let me rebel too long
don't let me fall away

i want to end with a song
it was written by a christian band called mercy me

take this world from me
i don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise You
Oh and I worship You

Covered by a love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
That I've never known before
I find myself complete
MY heart is spoken for
By the power of the cross
you've taken what was lost
And made it fully Yours
And i have been redeemed
By You who spoke to me
Now i am spoken for

Covered by a love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear You say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for