last minute man- your local super hero

if from the title you garner that this post will be highly entertaining/corny/lame...
well u probably don't read my blog much
maybe the reason i don't mind blogging is that deadlines are nonexistence
and the frequency at which i post is totally up to me

as responsibilities pile up,
im beginning to doubt my capabilities
several of my more lackadaisical character traits are coming back to haunt me
maybe i should to be more organised...
hmm
maybe i should be more firm in dealing with people
well
looking at the direction in which things are heading
i think im going six feet under quite soon
lets just sit back and watch me crash and burn
yeah
should prove to be an entertaining show

withdrawal symptoms

feeling as if im suffering from an addiction
the restlessness
boredom unsettles my heart
somethings missing
but i cant seem to find it
nothing seems to bring the thrill
and im not the person i should be anymore
at least im no longer numb
but maybe ive forgotten how to feel properly
as your flesh thaws
i guess it hurts
take me back into secret place
cos i need to see your face
and prostrate at in awe of you again
please
i dun want to wander away anymore
if only i left more than a trail of breadcrumbs
i cant remember how to walk back

swindler

i wish i could take back those words
i may not have bad intentions
but with the hullabaloo about the subconscious mind
who knows now adays
the actions we choose to disown
maybe they are more ours then we choose to believe

took me so long to realise
my own lacernistic nature
swindling other people of their smiles, their joy

nowadays there is so much ambigousity
the worlds becomin a plane of grey
miss the days where it was easy to grasp all that went on
maybe my horizons were smaller than
yeah
ignorance is bliss ain it

the old man in the cardboard box

desolute, broken
a hollow kernal,
my insides bleeding away

trapped by the past,
clinging on to glories, which like the byzantium empire, lie desolate and forgetten

like a caged beast,
beyond the initial savagery in its eyes
subsists a crushed spirit

oh, woe to those who are left behind
to the forgotten warriors
Valhalla's rejects

serendipity
to be the victorious dead

survivors are the ones who live haunted lives,
negotiating with ghosts from a distant time

maybe one day i will catch up with the times
or maybe it may catch up with me

until then
i guess this murky existance will have to continue
this insipid monochrome will continue to dye my vision
save me

discontent

there has been of late,
a silent knawing at my heart
and uncomfortable discontent with certain dilemmas i face around me
moral choices, maybe not that obvious or clear
issues i don't wish to deal with sprout up
confrontations with aspects i thought natural to my being
and of course
where there are people there are bound to be problems
hahah
it creates a problem
when the rules u set for urself,
the rules behind relationships suddenly seem constricting
and u begin silent coup

hai well
sometimes when we see someone close to us struggle,
we feel pain for them
so many people around me
struggling
hai
honestly, i think it's getting hard for me to voice my opinion
maybe because i have ceased to have a politically correct one
or maybe i just don't know myself anymore

Retrospection

It has been some time since I blogged seriously
haven't really had the time
nor the motivation
the common test is over
did ok I guess
comparatively to others
hmm
I have realized that I lack motivation
I have always known this
but this is the first time it has become a glaring need
usually even in my lackadaisical state i know i can pull through academically
well
guess its time i hit the books
soon
hahah

anyways i have realised that i have many friends around
hmm
this may not seem like a big deal to most people
but to a laconic loner like me
i guess it's really testiment to God's goodness
hmm

realized that i no longer blog poems
haha
it started mostly with poems
maybe ive lost touch with my poetic side
haha
or maybe just havent had the mood

wad tempermental creatures we turn out to be

honestly my spiritual life of late has fluctuated quite abit
ocasional highs interrupting periods of lows
hmm
gotta do something abt it
maybe time for a lifestyle change
perhaps

today service was one of the few times i got minsitered to
hmm
maybe because i got a lecture b4 service..........
haha
hmm
but ya
God ministered to me
in what seems like a long time
hmm
didnt expect him to bring up the area of pride
well
haha
been struggling with pride and a host of areas for some time
hai
miss having someone to share with
hmm
nearly got into a fight with someone
hmm
i didnt do anything
hmm
dunno lah
see how it goes lah

stunned myself today...
said something in the midst of a highly irritated state
not to anyone in particular
just an inaudible comment under my breath
but i guess the fact still remains

hai
maybe i can excuse that action
it was done in a highly irrationaly state...
where emotions run high...
and good intentions are the last thing we think about

but then again
if i am half the sentient being i pride myself in being
then i suppose its not really excusable

the stuff we say...
the things we do
that come naturally when we don't think
or when emtions run high....
arent they a reflection of who we are under that mask of premeditative action and reactions?

the words and actiosn we plan are a reflection of our intentions...
or maybe the intentions are subtly hidden behind the good-will which exists as a means to some unscruplous end...
but in the end
i guess the ugly side only shows when our mask slip...

the ugly side..
very much part of us
maybe more so than the act we put on to impress people

the stuff i say when no-one hears....
the stuff i do when no-one sees or knows
maybe that is who i am....
the subconscious aspect at least

well
i suppose that being human...
i am in nature... a waif...
a blackguard..
a rebellious fallen.... creature,
the product of sin

hmm
maybe it wasnt always this way
maybe in the beginning man found it easy to please God, easy to submit
but well, man fell, chose not to submit once
and thus lost the control over the will..
lost the ability to submit...
lost the ability love God out of his nature....
i guess it might seem tough
but well
it was always a condition of rebelling against the one through whom we get the all the authority and ability listed above
it was a stupid thing to do... maybe
i mean to hope hold onto the gifts even when rebelling against the source
but well
stupidity reigned i guess..

anyway
as a result
now....
we're a disgusting bunch of by products
creatures by nature supposed to be fair, terrible and awesome
now twisted in their very nature by sin
to become ugly, pathetic, and disgusting

im not making an excuse for who i am
yes, it maybe my nature...
something that i didn't chose but inherited....
but still
being in the state that i am
i am and well should be disgusted at the state i am
the actions i perform...
the result of a nature not of my choosing
still are... sins,
and i am well aware and ashamed of that fact...
well
i guess the only right reaction would be to change
but ya
guess thats what i always trying to do
always will be trying i guess
until maybe im done here
then another path we take up my preoccupation...

hmm
want to end up with a lesson i learnt from a certain elderly and well-respected member of the teaching staff at my alma mater(cough cough... im talking rubbish) Julia Huang....
she wasnt well loved
particularly by me
but i did learn stuff from her

that all the recent hype about the power of the subconscious and the wealth and treasure in unlocking its capabilities is bull
the man being man.... has the tendency to sin
this being subconscious...
the subconscious leaves us open to many things...
and many beings..
some not having very amiable intentions..
so
well
instead, invest in the conscious mind
filling it with culture and knowledge..
making character and culture second nature..
the betterment of the individual
hmm
well
i shall stop here
and haha
maybe start walking the talk........

the more things i presuppose and say
the bigger the hypocrite i become
well
i suppose we all must start by being hypocrites..
but well
let me not be the one to stay there