im so tired of all the pretences
the "good intetions" and the holiness
and all

maybe thats why im drawn to the real assholes
because they're the least likely to wear masks

dont you know me by now?

so we're all just good monsters
wearing masks and running about

why i need grace

this is kinda overdue
actually its something thats been at teh back of my mind for about a week now

its something i realised from clarence stephens sharing during cell(the older ppl one)

his sharing was bsed on king asa
if you look him up in the old testament
you'd realise that he is the one of the few kings whom they talk about as being fully committed to God

this title probably only being shared by david and solomon(i may be mistaken)

when teh bible calls a person fully committed to God, it isnt a case of hyperbole or being metaphorical
this dude was one of the few who turned back to God, tore down the idols in his land, disposed of his idol worshipping mother
and redirected the peoples focus to God.
in the face of unsurmountable odds, he trusted in God,
and a bunch of ten thousand odd israelites won against a million enemy soldiers without raising their arms(im meaning weapons here)

what a faith,
what a wholeheartedness
yet in the later part of his life, he forsake God for security in man
and when rebuked by a prophet of God
instead of repenting
he took it out on his people by oppressing them
and trusted in physicians instead the God who moved miracles through him

if such a wholehearted, Godly man, who saw God defeat the millions for him
could fall

much less me
with my many doubts, iniquities
the many idols and high places i erected in my life

what hope do i have...
i dont have the faith to conquer the multitudes to start with
what happens when the enemies rise up to take me
whats there to stop me from trusting in man?

asa fell,
solomon was drawn away from God

wisdom cant save a man from temptation
much less my doubts

so what chance do i really have
what kind of fools hope can i really hope to bear

this poor idol exalting fool

ive just read habakkuk
and well,
of all the minor prophets,
i think its one of the coolest
because while the rest of them tell others what God wants to say
this guy risks possible judgement by asking God the questions

and i guess there is a lesson in point for us
that we should ask God why, how and all the other important matters that press in on our hearts

im thouroughly amazed by the wisdom God has given some young people
hahaha
to set our eyes upon God,

its true
i guess
its all that matters
when we set our eyes upon Him
we will be hidden in Him, as the storm passes

fine me in Your river
where streams of living water flow
where im washed clean
whiter than snow
i go under
die
and made anew
where Your Spirit falls
like a dove
and changes everything
and everything else

Zechariah 11:4-17 (New International Version)
Two Shepherds
4 This is what the LORD my God says: "Pasture the flock marked for slaughter. 5 Their buyers slaughter them and go unpunished. Those who sell them say, 'Praise the LORD, I am rich!' Their own shepherds do not spare them. 6 For I will no longer have pity on the people of the land," declares the LORD. "I will hand everyone over to his neighbor and his king. They will oppress the land, and I will not rescue them from their hands."
7 So I pastured the flock marked for slaughter, particularly the oppressed of the flock. Then I took two staffs and called one Favor and the other Union, and I pastured the flock. 8 In one month I got rid of the three shepherds. The flock detested me, and I grew weary of them 9 and said, "I will not be your shepherd. Let the dying die, and the perishing perish. Let those who are left eat one another's flesh."
10 Then I took my staff called Favor and broke it, revoking the covenant I had made with all the nations. 11 It was revoked on that day, and so the afflicted of the flock who were watching me knew it was the word of the LORD.
12 I told them, "If you think it best, give me my pay; but if not, keep it." So they paid me thirty pieces of silver.
13 And the LORD said to me, "Throw it to the potter"-the handsome price at which they priced me! So I took the thirty pieces of silver and threw them into the house of the LORD to the potter.
14 Then I broke my second staff called Union, breaking the brotherhood between Judah and Israel.
15 Then the LORD said to me, "Take again the equipment of a foolish shepherd. 16 For I am going to raise up a shepherd over the land who will not care for the lost, or seek the young, or heal the injured, or feed the healthy, but will eat the meat of the choice sheep, tearing off their hoofs.
17 "Woe to the worthless shepherd,
who deserts the flock!
May the sword strike his arm and his right eye!
May his arm be completely withered,
his right eye totally blinded!"

so this is our babylon

this was a rather troubling passage in zechariah
why? because before it was a passage on God blessing, Jerusalem,
then after that
suddenly in zechariah 11:1
it turns, and talks about the desecration of Israel
and then this
a passage about shepards

now shepards biblically, usually have postive connotations
church leaders, and even Jesus himself
but over here the verses talk about foolish shepards
and shepards that couldnt care less about the flock

a broken and contrite heart, You wont despise
You promised to care for us
we lowly meek ones

well, lets start with some very obvious truths
firstly that,
God does give special provisions, and cares especially for the poor, the weak and the meek

You given me these little ones
these weak ones
they are mine

another truth
God sometimes lets terrible leaders rule His people
the Herods, the Ahabs

i wish it were as i acted
that i didnt care
but i do, as much as i hate to admit it
so there will be hell to pay
if u lead them astray

so the line of reasoning goes on like this
when the leaders walk astray
and dont keep to the straight and narrow
God has no choice but to cast them out
and this He will do,
according to His character
Him being just

the thing is God cares so much for the lowly meek poor ones
but God has to judge His people as a whole
yes, He will send others to come and tend to the meek
but His favour
and unity
cannot dwell on such a people

so everyone,
especially the meek ones
lose the benefits of Gods favour
and unity

i never was one for authority
maybe it was a thing for juvenile rebellion
but if any good came out of it
its that in a time such as this
i dont struggle or hurt much when the powers that be make a joke of themselves

and maybe i have changed,
for such a time as this

well the foolish shepard in the end loses his right arm leg etc
the very offices of his service and more, but thats not the point

we
we who know, who think who percieve, (all that which being sentient gives us the privelige of)
it becomes our responsibility,
to pasture the flock
to protect especially the meek
even when the world comes crashing down
and lady babylon comes with her debauchery to the land
we have a call to fulfill
right where we are

im not paid to be politically correct
so here

lol

not all of it is funny

but yeah

read in zechariah a whole excerpt where God chided a bunch of israelites when they asked if they should fast

seems really strange at first
God scolding people for fasting

but i guess as i thought about it
and reread the verses leading on
i guess the issue is not so much the fasting as is the intention behind it

problem is so often we engage ourselves in so many religous activities for our own sake
so that we may feel better about ourselves, so that we may become more justified
we pray and do our quiet time so to meet that quota
so when others ask after us we can show them how fine and dandy we are

in zechariah, the passage goes on to ask the israelites to administer justice to show mercy and compassion
all the things our pretence so often does not extend to
sure we love our friends but its hard to love the unlovable
we administer justice and are plentiful merciful to ourselves and our kindred
not bad but consider that even mafiastos know how to take care of their own

we forgo building relationships with the outcasts, the queer, the difficult
the alcohlics, the bengs, the crude
in the name of keeping our minds and lifestyles pure
we choose to isolate ourselves from those more "secular"

we forget that Jesus dined often in the presence of tax collectors and prostitutes
that He chose to focus His ministry instead on temple sacrifices and service
would throw Himself in "unclean" situations so that He could administer justice, mercy and compassion

may we never make an idol out of church and church activity
and forget that loving comes before service

1 Kings 19:11-14
11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
14 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

to the daft, this passage is not by a minor prophet......
buahahahhaha

anyways, just some background
to those unacquainted with this passage from the bible
its about this really cool dude named Elijah,
an anoited prophet of God in the truest senses
worker of miracles and all
he called down fire, called forth rain, brought widow's sons to life and the like

so yeah
this particular passage happens after a high point in his life
a great spiritual and political victory for israel
he suddenly faces great discouragement at the hands of an evil queen called jezebel

hais,
women problems seem to plague mankind
right from the original sin
although of course, if one would ask, there was a time where women werent a problem
hahaha
yeah
before eve was created.....

so anyways, this jezebel, being the archetype of the alpha female, which apparently isnt of much spiritual value, bauhahaha
persecutes him
and so he runs away

being the good man of God he is, he lived before Christ came, so we cant call him a christian, at least i think so,
he doesnt contemplate suicide, which is apparently a form of great rebellion against God
but yeah,
asks God to end his life

as much as i am a self proclaimed lover of the psalms
truth is the kind of passages that really tug my heart are the ones like these
the ones about Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Moses, David, Jonah, Thomas, Peter, Paul
of liars, cheats, adulterers, murderers, doubters, betrayers and the like
great men of God, who move mountains,
and then at one point or other fall on their faces in the midst of the valley


i need these verses
because for one such as myself, a doubter,
so often i taste the goodness of God and yet i turn my back and run
i struggle against the joy and abundant life
i taste and percieve the holiness of God and yet struggle with my sin and iniquity, or rather fail to struggle with
i encounter the true and living God, but go away barely changed
or fall back into discouragement and end up a hardened bitter person
i need these verses because they show me that as hopeless as i am
im just like any other great men of God
great not of any virtue of my own but the very fact that our God is great
and He is in the eternal business of picking us up and putting us back again


so back to elijah
seeing his discouragement
God gives him rest and chow
God shows him great signs and wonders
but above and beyond that
God speaks to him in that still small voice

and there lies the key

we need the still small voice of God
more than running away
more than sabbaticals and binges
more than miracles


because despite all the joy that we christians claim we have
i wake up on weekdays and despise booking in every morning
on weekends i get out of bed sometimes reasonably amiable and hopeful
and return to it worn out and lonely
waves of circumstance come crashing in
unamiable buggers come by and touch our lives, so often in unedifying ways

and we long in our mire of self pity and despair
for it all to end
for the wind to sweep us away,
the earth to shake
and the fire to come and consume us
to run away and wait for the big fish

but the truth is
we need God
to come and tell us in that oh so still and small voice
that everything will be ok

and till that happens
we will never be able to cover our faces
and submit our hurts and grievances,
fears and anxieties,
sins and iniquities,
flesh and failings
all back to God
and let Him make the difference

oh God
would that You speak
that we may hear Your words for us
and let it make all the difference in our lives

well, im rushing my blogposts now because my wireless is failing me
erm yeah, im sitting like 2m from the transmitter
any further and it seems that i cant get a connection so yeah

anyways, to put on a great show that i do treasure what the people around me say
i shall try to post about the more poignant statements made my those around me recently

anyways
cheryl was talking me today
and she happened to mention my jonah post and all
and she raised, i guess, a valid point that the book of jonah kind of ends abruptly
that it ends with the dead vine
and God giving a monologue
and teaching jonah a lesson
it doesnt go on to tell us jonahs response

hmm
after much thought
i think abrupt as it is
the book has the most perfect ending it could ask for
it ends with God speaking, and doing something in the life of His servant,
His work and His word,

and well
noting that the bible's focus should be on God rather than the idiosyncrisies and shortfalls of His people
i think it is fitting
the way i see it, which may seem plenty pessimistic,
no matter what response Jonah gave
be it grumbling more against God, or repenting and learning
no response would be a fit reply to the work of God, and thus a satisfactory

this is what makes Gods grace truly amazing
that no matter how we respond to it,
it is never truly a response worthy enough of what God has done

Jonah's response is therefore kind of irrelevant, forgive me for being so blatant
sure some people would love to find out how Jonah, probably would fall down on his face
and turn his life around
but that would be his struggle
encouraging as it may be

the real crux would be our own response to what God has said and is saying
the message of tough love
of His soveriegnty,
and the fact that He loves every other irritating, descpicable bugger out there as much as us

sure it would be inspiring and encouraging to hear how other rotters make it
but yeah,
we should never be distracted from the truth
that anyone only ever makes it by Gods grace.....


on to something probably more utterly rubbishy
lianny raised an amusing anxiety to me over the phone
how his well, oddities may somehow affect the possibilities of him finding his better half in the near future

lols
well
hmm
i guess i have nothing to say to that out of personal experience
other than the fact that that is one of the anxieties i have as well

we're part of the bunch of wierd people that others would probably label as "that funny person"
which basically means one who is eccentric and possibly slightly off his rocker

hmms

we dont fit into any social stereotype
or rather
i guess we choose not to or insist that we dont
out of probably the disgust at being part of a bigger picture
and the great egoistical pride we take at being different

so anyways
what exactly do we do about ourselves
when we march to the beat of a different drum from everyone else
or at least simply insist that we have our own groove

when we look at creation
as CS Lewis would write, that the metaphysical narrative has the kind of syncopated qualities one would expect to find in some fantastic fiction....
well those being my paraphrasing of his words to be exact, my memory isnt photogenic
i guess as much as you would find central themes, repeating patterns and enough similarities to slow waltz, lindy hop and all other names of dance, which i honestly dont care about enough to remember, in the play of life
life and time, works out with an off beat, track of controlled chaos in the background and forfront, or at least i percieve it to be


theres nothing wrong with being the only one in a crowd not tearing
not on your knees
theres nothing wrong with thinking when the rest are feeling
maybe we're just wired differently

i guess being one of the offbeats isnt such a bad thing
its the figuring out of how we learn to combine our lack of community rhythm with the song everyone else mindlessly blares out into something beautiful, or at least not assaulting to the senses.....that is the challenge...


since anyways
God created us all unique
i guess it was in His wisdom and plan
to create all of us different and yet to unite us
variety in the midst of perfect unity

well
we work towards utopia?
a mammoth dream i would suppose
(havent really answered the problem of finding a mate i suppose)

but anyways
i guess ive been thinking about what a dear someone said to me
something alongst the lines of lowering ones expectations, and thus allowing oneself not only to avoid disappointment but to be pleasantly suprised fairly often
well i regurgitated it a couple of times in my mind
(i think meditation works kinda like the four stomachs of a cow)

but i think as christians it would be dishonouring to GOd
if we lower the standards of our ambition
i mean yes, as little kids we often dream of limitless plains and high mountains
and later on in life find out that empty open plains dont provide much shelter from the rain or the cold and the higher the ground, the more painful when we fall off

micheal chabon writes in one of his books
that a hope fulfilled is half disappointed
and i think that has plenty of substance....

but we have a hope that already does not disappoint
salvation isnt just about dying and going to a happy place
its about seeing every single promise of God work out in our lives....

haha
ironic isnt it
to hear all the optimistic pleasantries from a self proclaimed pessimist
but im starting to believe that there is room for the pessimist in the kingdom
forgive me for my egotism
but i think pessmism, provides excellent fodder for a better and deeper understanding of grace
buahahahahah

zech 3 :2 The LORD said to Satan, "The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?"

I found this treasure of a verse while reading the book of zecheriah
lols
i guess it spoke to me on many different levels,
how true that we are as one snatched from the fire
i look back on the various seasons of my life
and yeah, especially at the seasons where i fought against God,
turned my back
ran away
and yeah
it kinda resounds true
that we are as one, snatched from the fire


hmm
strangely, during the whole prayer and worship thingum before service this verse was dropped into my heart, again
hmm
whether fitting for our church situation, thats up for discussion

well dont blame me for not sharing it
i felt it wasnt something to be said out but to be marvelled in my heart

mary the mother of Jesus
marvelled many things internally without speaking much of them
now, im not catholic, and i dont put mary on the pedestal of divinity,
but a great role model she is...
so yeah

my gosh, ive moved on to the book of zechariah and i must say its depth is quite escaping me
its amazing really these books written out of vision
it has so many references
not limited to references to prophecies from the book of daniel, a book i sadly neglected thus far,
and yeah well in daniel the visions and prophecies have alot to do with the passing of empires-whole civilisations
you know the assyrians, babylonians, persians, greeks, romans and all
then there are the prophecies of Jesus' coming
and finally apocolyptic prohpecies which match and resound with the stuff we find and read but dont really comprehend out of the book of revelations
and of course not to mention, the possibility of jewish cultural and religous meanings in dealing with objects such as vines, fig trees, olive trees lampstands and the such

someone buy me a concordance for my birthday
lols