monochrome

Like a black & white television,
everything before me appeared in shades of grey
Where has all the life gone?
The clear cut convictions,
the deep sense of purpose?
My hypocrisy uncovered,
and im left stranded.

Uncertainty all around me,
yet i remain apathetic,
is detachment really for the best?
stagnating, slowly dying off inside,
with all the hustle dying down,
im left confronting the vague shadow, that i fear i have become

a man without conviction,
a wandering zombie,
was life meant to be monochrome?
My heart numbed and frosted over
will i feel only too late?
i long to feel again
to hurt to groan, to labour
When will the winter pass?
When will the snow and frost melt and the flowers blume
when will the beauty return?
like an android longing for emotions,
desiring something that my world cant offer
do i belong here?
When can i return home
when can i find love, compassion and joy again?

like waves crashing upon a shore,
time passes, circumstances come and go
and the things i got used to are now sadly but a distant past

one recent event that really got me thinking was our class bbq
hmm
well i guess it was fun
people did enjoy the time together
but really i have begun to wonder
in our last year in SA
how much have we really contributed to each other
wad have we done to improve the thoughts and values of those whom we see almost everyday?
the sad truth is not much
and i guess thats probably why i didnt feel much nostalgia at the bbq
frankly but sadly, as good as the class spirit has been,
there is nothing much from class that i want to bring with me

well it is kind of my fault
where i could have contributed
i chose to keep in my comfort zone
be interoverted
and well
just block out all the negative rubbish people indulged in

and well
i think i have lost 1 yr of oppertunity
as much as their near debauchery disguted me,
the sight of normally decent people, trying to impress others by succumbing to the normal and drinking beer
well i guess wad disgusted me more was how our class bbq didnt have much to do with sharing edifying building up one another but simply having fun
really will we remember fun tt much?

after the church retreat, i also have been thinking alot about church too
i dont think of leaving that much now
but i guess i still wonder
really how some problems are going to be solved

the unknown,
hmm
that which we cannot possibly grasp but yet we try to control
the uncertainty of it all causing us to waste hours trying to predict, think and worry
the uncertainty, it sometimes paralysises us
causing our worst predictions to come to pass
part of me worries
after i go to a JC wad would happen
wad would my O results be like
honestly if i bother to look for room for messing up
there is alot

church people
as much as they are pretty much the nicest bunch of people i have met
they kind of also the most distressing
maybe thats because i open up the most and well put in the most effort in them
some people have been quite disappointing
after all the promises, all the growth
they still can go back to the world
to all its secularistic indulgences
well
i cant blame them
for a period i indulged too

things have changed alot
i can see it in many people
some well
change has done them good
they have grown, matured opened up
there are others well
suprisingly all the changes havent made them grow or backslide
they stagnate, not moving up or down but well maybe moving on to different planes as their surroundings change
there are those whom because of all the uncertainty have been shaken and well have fallen away some
hmm
and there are those who being thrown into new surroundings feel left behind
i guess all these are stages
hmm
i honestly dont know where to categorize myself
i have grown some
stagnated some
backslided some
and well
i guess been left behind some
i spent some time trying to find my purpose and bearing
well
honestly i dont think i have completely found it or completely commited to what i have found
but well
i guess i found enough to keep me going
i hope i can pesevere long enough to get back to the certainty i once knew

things changing

so many things have changed,
ppl around me,
me myself,
and i guess even the sentiments i experience towards some
well i guess it doesnt really matter.
tt shouldnt be my concern at this stage

honestly im not really excited about camp
i dont know why
well
i guess i shall just go with an open heart

recently i have been talking more to alot more people,
and ya, i guess well learning to fellowship
well much has changed, especially i guess my limits and my attitude
i dont know whether for the better or for the worst.

honestly, i think i have grown less ernest and excited for God
just feel so far away from Him sometimes,
argh

christmas is coming,
hmm should i buy gifts for all those im close to
very $$ leh, hmm
blehh
must as well lor
haha
especially for some ppl, feel abit guilty, cos last u they got me stuff
i nvr give them anything,
wahhahaah