theres this cloud in the atmosphere
like there isnt enough oxygen to go round
something heavy and oppressive
a wet blanket suffocating us

moods been alternating between blissful apathy and borderline rage
maybe ive just been bottling it all up for too long
letting it fester and age
swallowing all the discontent and disappointment
so that it feeds you

its the uncomfortable truth
the one they dont proclaim in sunday school
our best friends and comrades are ephemeral,
we're a lot more alone than we'd ever dare admit or realise
so very lonesome in this farce of an existence we label consciousness

the cycle goes on and on
like some out of tune carnival ride
till our dollars worth runs out
then it clangs to a stop
never to move again

like some surreal nightmare of clowns gone rogue
friends and kin run around with painted faces laughing and crying
and we get caught up in the play till the joke goes sour
and we find ourselves face first in something much worse than pie,
and for the first time
the epiphany
we never knew anyone
not even ourselves

the biggest joke is when we try and figure our place and purpose in life
trying to fit ourselves into metaphysical equations
its like the commercial where they gave a macbook to a monkey

we try our best to get into this program, or that ivy league varsity
or to get that amazing headstart in our career
for what?
so that we can feel miserable about ourselves, others and the world in all new and innovative ways?

so we decide we need to be "set apart"
need to be "consecrated"
like maybe if we isolate ourselves in the caves and mountains,
become monks and nuns
and give our lives over to prayer and sermons about revival
that maybe we'd leave our mark
cast our names in bedrock

like we ever could

so how many times must the tide come in
and flatten our sandcastles
till we stop


Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

u2- city of blinding lights

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart day-glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Don't look before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs purple irises
The camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

(cut)

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time...time...time...time
Won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

The more you know the less you feel
Some pray for others steal
Blessings are not just for the ones who kneel... luckily

just so the old one knows,
ive been using the only birthday present i ever recieved from you,
and yeah....
i think i learnt something today....
usually id prefer to claim to have been reminded of stuff rather than having learnt
cause yeah, it conjurs the mental picture that i know alot?
but im learning that i have alot of knowledge, but i dont really know alot

so yeah

anyways, todays study was on jonah(i know ive posted on him before)
and yeah i think i learnt that God never allows us to give up?

ive always been under the impression that God is omniscient and omnipotent
but ive always thought that i held the self destructive "give up" button
i guess the awesome/aweful thing is that for those of us who give our lives to him
we dont even have full control of that

i was reminded of several other things
one being how pagans(non-christians- im using this as allegory, not that non-christian= pagainsitc) many times put us christians to shame in the directness and simplicity of their faith, or how they apply and live out what they believe...
we're the ones in above our heads, believing in one way of life
but falling so much short.

i was also reminded how as much as people preach how we should bring the right attitude and intentions to God when we pray, essentially the "right" way/things to pray
the truth is that this isnt/shouldnt be
God wants us to come to Him/before Him
even if its for the wrong reasons
so often we've taught new believers to come to God first, not focus on changing
but we dont practice that ourselves
even if our prayers are self-serving, about how pissed we are, or how much we need financial success
i think better bringing these to God then not at all

for those who know or dont
i think the previous year was amazing
really like a storm shaking my boat
i think ive learnt so much more about love
not some mushy concept
but the real backbone of christianity

theres so much i d want to say about it
but so little i think im entitled to say

my resolutions for this year we're now into
to know God more,
and to know His love and grace
and hopefully to learn to respond to these in a more deserving way