the recent common tests have made me come to several conclusions

for one, i am to a certain extent apathetic abt my academic future...
hmm
didnt really study hard for the common test
didnt study at all for chinese
although i need a d to get into uni
hmm

strangely ive been enjoying the test period
late nights
late mornings
eating instant noodles at home b4 going to sch
hahah

but ya
i come back relatively earlier from school
guess its a kind of break from both the usual rush of school and the mundaneness of the holis
a strange balance

on more serious matters...
honestly i feel kind of left out/behind from the recent hmm
bustle of activity in church
everyone else just seems so enthusiastic and doing so much
i dun share in excitement and passion
makes one wonder
am i really aloof and unfeeling?

at least im not the only one feeling this way
hmm
even though God is really working
can see the enemy's work all around
both in my own life
as well as wad i see in others
hai
i guess it is true that everyday is a struggle, both against our flesh and the enemy
it may seem wierd
but sometimes i feel more attached to sfc people than church people
maybe bcos of the lack of ppl in church around my age grp....

im probably gonna get into trouble for certain actions of mine......
hmm
i dun really feel that they were wrong things to do
but
well
"certain" people dun seem to think so
anyways
it seems my opinion doesnt really matter to "them"
well
to the people it does matter to
im sorry if i dun think the way i shd
and i thank you for caring abt my opinion

i'd really like to use this space on my blog to thank glen ong-the pope....
An ode to the pope.....
haha

thanks so much for your contributions to the youth min
especially in your helping out with the sound system
you are a mentor, teacher, friend and father to us in many ways...
i remember the days when i used to visit your office after school
enjoy air con and ur company
i also the old days of sfc
thanks for making the time really fruitful
i learnt alot from those times
and i really valued those few hours spent in the chapel
they were the most refreshing and valuable hours on school days
and thank you for the things you taught me, the things you said to me to encourage me
many times confusion was just so rampant in my mind
and i was struggling to the point of giving up
but u came along and gave ur two cents
and ya
it made a great difference in my situations

you were always there to spur me on
gently enough not to hurt
but provocative enough to invoke to action...
you gave alot of us the example to follow
gave us hope i knowing that it was/is possible to get so far from wad we in our rotten detestable state are
through your testimony
u gave hope to a pessimistic gloom addict
that maybe it isnt all that hopeless
that we can overcome, maybe not through our own strength but thru Gods...
and i thank you
for everything
may the hard work sweat and tears u invested in me
and the hope, love and expectations you place in me and on me not go to waste
i pray

lorn... lost... nearly

hooked on my own vomit...
pathetic..
disgusting
trapped by my own ill-discipline
trapped by the matrices of my own mind
hardened
repelled
i do what i can to numb the pain....
i walk away

but You call out my name
and it is enough
to hear Your voice crying for me
this undeserving waif
it breaks me

the knowledge of Your grace
building me up and tearing me down
the irony all too painful-
that which i can never deserve
is poured down like rain

How could i ask for more?
yet the painful truth is that i often ask for less
for more kindess- and less love
for painless moulding- and less of a destiny
for less responsibilities- and a dimmer reflection of Your glory
for less pains- and less joy

awesome, terrible, You are God indeed
Your gentle touch- smashing through the defences of my heart
Your unquenchable love and fire- leaving me longing for more, yet cowering in fear
why You took favour in a pusillanimous wimp,
i still fail to fathom
but what choice do i have?
to rebel against the very source of my being
or to submit to that which rebels against my nature

the age old paradox
...

i thank God
that eternity....
eternity is not part of time
and that when i reach beautiful shore (not if-by faith)
this struggle with joy will be a joke of the past.....
lets hope i get there


hmm
i may not be the eternal optimist
but i guess even a diehard pessimist has to submit to the omnipotent

somber song

walking home alone in the moonlight...........
thought about stuff
.....

catching a butterfly(maybe a moth or two)
gazing at the stars above
blasting music on a sound system
sitting in the back seat
gropin around in the dark
making imprints of faith
leaving impressions on people's hearts (maybe stealing a few)
feelin blue
being blue
writing letters
singing songs
sharing food
crunching nuts
chatting
laughing
drinking poor man's hot chocolate (milo),
drinking coffee,
drinking beer.... root/ginger beer
playing mind games
maintaining the deception
taking the plunge together,
throwing ourselves off the edge
caught in time by loving hands


life is more than eating pork chops and chicken chops (and maybe a leg of lamb)
more than black or white
more than an anthem, more than a hymn
more than a song that never ends

chrysanthemums mean i'm sorry...
i really am
sorry that i'm too caught up in my own hypocrisy and oxymorons
sorry that i'm too messed up at the moment to help,
sorry that the bittersweet ironies hurt me so much that i can't sooth your wounds

i wish it could be like that old song says:
lean on me, if ur not strong............
i guess to a degree it's already like that

hahah
we're so far from each other... maybe even worlds apart
ironically our greatest similarity is probably that we both have an imbalance up there- although maybe the distortion may be on different planes.....hmm
hahah
ok lah
maybe there are more similarities than that.....
drawn by a common love,
drawn by a common One.....

maybe one day....
in a field of wild flowers.....


i shall end my post with the lyrics of a song
hmm
it is quite disney... but hey
we do find treasures in the trash sometimes right?....

here it is:
sarah mclachlan - when she loved me
When Somebody Loved Me
Everything Was Beautiful
Every Hour We Spent Together
Lives Within My Heart
And When She Was Sad
I Was There To Dry Her Tears
And When She Was Happy So
Was I
When She Loved Me

Through The Summer And The Fall
We Had Each Other That Was All
Just She And I Together Like It Was Meant To Be
And When She Was Lonely I Was There To Comfort Her
And I Knew That She Loved Me

So The Days Went By I Stayed The Same
But She Began To Drift Away
I Was Left Alone
Still I Waited For The Day
When She'd Say "I Will Always Love You..."

Lonely and forgotten
Never thought she'd look my way
She smiled at me and held me just like she use to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When Somebody Loved Me
Everything Was Beautiful
Every Hour We Spent Together Lives Within My Heart
When She Loved... Me...

u take all

once again,
i find myself on the outside staring in
i stop awhile and contemplate
the juxtaposition of what is and what could be

my heart, hardened, enclosed
a reflex probably the result of years of hurts
my psyche clouded with doubts
confusion so rampant
yet something compels me to respond
it's probably the way You meant it to be
to respond to Your love, Your gift
even when both my heart and head tugg me in the other direction
i should still respond to You,
i should............

i want to give thanks
really i do,
but my heart is just so hard,
and doubts and uncertainties just flood over me

i want to testify
but the words just don't seem to come out right
my tone pseudo
my register forced
my confession, a masked represntation of my true emotions and thoughts
a hypocritucal statement

i want to pray
but i just cannot count the cost
and my voice falters and fails

let this song to You be the words i can't say
the life i fail to live
let it be the prayer of my heart
the foundation of my will

so i cry out with all i am
this prayer i can neither feel nor mean
i can only hope it reaches Your ears
and that You'd come
and take my all

rgen camp

my church's youth camp: accelerate just finished
it was really a one of a kind experience
although i must confess to not being that thankful,
(hmm maybe cos i did more sai kang then fun activities)
but ya
God moved in an awesome way
can see his hand really so tangibly moving in my life and that of the other campers.

hmm
well, i went late cos had some temasek seminar thingy
so i missed the ice breaking games
which i heard were really crazy
but anyways the first night session itself was so powerful
ps ben just honestly shared with us his struggles
and it was followed by a period of public confession of sins
followed by people reconciling with each other,
and then appreciating each other

the devotion the next morning was fruitful, although not long enough
hmm
i miss having devotions and stuff like tt with cheryl chen
anyways
there were later teaching sessions and then games
the starwars game was fun
but i had more fun after tt water bombing ppl
especially the more shriekish girls

hmm
the night session tt day ended with an alter ministry whereby we prayed tt those who nvr encountered Jesus b4 to encounter him

the 3rd day was the most fun
the 4th teaching session was one on deliverence
whereby we had a deliverence ministry time
interesting
was delivered of bondage to com games and some past hurts
hmm must fast from com games
the luther music ppl set up the sound system by the time we were done
so cool
at 1.30
we embarked from the GB hq to kovan and then to orchard
trying to drag strangers from the street back to our campsite
hmm although didnt really get many ppl back
it was a new exciting experience
really encouragin to see all the powerpuff girls going out so boldly and inviting ppl
after tt returned back to camp
then i rushed in doing eq and sound check
so stress
had so little time and the musicians and vocalists werent ready
had a very short practice window of abt 15 mins
then had to start the "concert"
hmm
didnt get to eat
anyways
handling the sound system was nvr so stressful
lack of practice time
flood lights blinding my eyes
not being able to hear wad the audience heard
hmm
it was tough
and i had a headache
but thank GOD for the 32 SALVATIONS tt night
yeah

hmm
ate dinner after tt
then slept like 3 hrs b4 lights out

next day
hmm
ate breakfast too long
then rushed to pack
then rushed to aid gerald tan who was manning the sound system
hmm
then had a time of testimonies
and then a celebratory praise
haha
my first time leading the "train"
haha
a little sad tt the praise wasnt tt long
hmm
after tt stress man
had to check off all the sound stuff
and then pack them into dougs van
of course had pic taking
anyways
after tt guarded our stuff as douglas made mutiple trips with his van
hai
couldnt join my grp for lunch
then took a taxi back home
then im updating my blog now hehe

sfc camp

as requested by a friend, i shall go into some of the details of the sfc camp
after that certain person left, hmm
we played a game called romanopoly, where beans were credits
people earn beans by flipping coins(gambling with each other)
if u earn enough coins, u can buy a pavillion,(they are limited in offer)
eh, a pavillion allows u to sit, relax and eat free food which is provided
if lose all ur beans, u become a slave,
u can go on trips on the silk road in search of fortune,
and u can go to jail as either result of cheating or a consequence of the silk road.

hmm
many funny incidents happened as a result,
people sending slaves on the silk road,
people begging or scavenging,
people gambling away huge fortunes all at one go,
people like me going into earlier retirement, buying a pavillion, donating away most of my beans, setting up a social welfare club, and sitting there laughing at people going around trying to earn more beans

hmm
after tt got another blindfold game
grps set a verbal means of communication(not a language)
are seperated, then have to try and regrp
after tt we learnt a mass dance for the planetshakers song, running after u

hmm
alot of us didnt slp tt night
stayed up and wrote hearts,
some of us got CMW meeting
haha
i slept in the AVA at 4.45
woke up in the middle of my slp with a leg cramp
set there stoning in pain until the cramp went away, then went back to slp
hmm

the nxt morn, we bid for food using the points we collected.
all the food stuff wasnt identified and was hidden in bags,
so some grps got good stuff
some got garlic, onion or carrots for a heavy price
after that got some worship and after tt an extended worship,
then after tt got some iniation, which the person whom im writing this for was present for, so i shant go into much detail
hmm
then had a buffet, where the food was really good,
especially the mushroom soup, fish and garlic bread
hmm
after tt we broke camp
some of us stoned around until nobody to stone with
others went to watch a movie

i stoned until 4.30, then i went home and slept 14 hrs straight,
so there
my account
heheh
hope the person is satisfied

sfc camp

Alot went on during the sfc camp.

Honestly i went without expecting much.
but God did so much, much beyond what i expected.
I encountered him again in worship,
felt his presence
both in the intellectual and emotional aspects.

He drew me near to Him again,
and began to deal with me.

are there really words to express the gratitude i should have for what He has done?
are there really emotions strong enough or actions apt enough to respond to his abounding love?
Expressions no matter how elaborate still fall short,
even if i could wax lyrical about all He has done,
i'd rather not embarass myself.
Instead, let my life be the words that i desire to utter,
my intentions and actions be my response to the numinous
wad good are words if i can't even do this

God pick me up when i fall short,
strengthen me, empower me, even if i forget to ask.
do not hold my iniquities against me, for they are far too onerous for me
sustain me, keep me close to Your side.
and if my heart wonders, bring me back
please