gosh, i guess id better learn to hear less and listen more
maybe talk a whole lot less as well

one thing i lack and that is empathy
maybe because im emotionally stunted or something i cant really feel for others
heck, i think sometimes i cant even feel for myself

well
if autistics can learn to read faces for emotions
i guess i can learn
painfully

handsome wan once posted on his blog that of all the great skills and spiritual gifts, he would like to be able to put a smile on people's faces
and i guess that holds some water

what use are we, if we can do so much, say so much
but cant connect to others on the most basic of levels
if we cant bring relief and cheer

the world doesnt need another pharisee,
it needs
i need
.............

feel like i just woke up from the biggest hangover
nope i didnt drink or take anything
dont ask me why
or why im posting in the middle of the week at lunch hour

read murakami's wild sheep chase
surreal book
no mood to say anything else

everytime things get better
there has to be catch
always that way
why

bleagh

talks in a bronco

strange how the dire breakdown of an outfield vehicle can lead to the most meaningful of conversations

well
in an attempt to rationalize and communicate my own religious convictions(if i may label them so)
i ran into the problem of continuity
whereby certain facts now validated of how a creator existed, and His relation to the metaphysical narrative did not lead to mine choosing to believe in Him

well
i realised after all was said and done that
well
it boils down to choice
we're all presented with the case for Christ
no matter how intricate the arguments for or against
in the end
what matters is the choice
how well informed that choice is has not much bearing

so we choose
we choose everyday
to pick up that cross
and believe
believe that somehow something insignificant, like a single life on earth can somehow have a bearing on the whole metaphysical narrative
because God chooses to give us value

so choose
choose well

i just did one of those "phd" quizzes on the internet
on optimism and pessimism
and strange
my meter like falls squarely in the centre
queer
hmmm

i just did one of those "phd" quizzes on the internet

on optimism and pessimism

and strange

my meter like falls squarely in the centre

queer

hmmm

its strange how some places bring back the most nostalgic memories
my sis had her bdae lunch today at some super posh jap restaurant that our dad used to bring us to alot when we were younger

pastor said we should count our blessings
and i guess ive never really really appreciated my dad as much as i should have
most people would be fortunate to have a father whom provides for their material needs, especially so if the providence is in abundance
but my dad's been more than that
he's given me both his time and his money,
his emotional support
his transport
hehe

well
i guess not everyone has the fortune of having a dad in semi-retirement
but yeah

im beginning to wonder
does he regret retiring so early
i mean, to go from corporate powerhouse
to superdad
haha
to being the centre of attention in the company to the centre of attention in a parents support group
thats a big jump
and not upwards
at least not in alot of ways

to go back to a place where the luxury was taken for granted
where everything "went on the tab"

i wonder, if there was a tinge of lostness of disorientation
to know one has become something so different from what one was
prestige and all
and yet
im thankful that he gave us his time
so much of it
self-sacrifice
i thought i knew what that meant
the biblical perspective and all
i guess we gain new insight to truths everyday
today not withstanding

to go from high up on the corporate ladder
to lavishing all energies on fetching his kids around
hmm

not the biggest hero in the eyes of this material world

the morose dignity of humility
to know that one is a mere shadow of prior status and still have to keep one's head up
if my earthly father loved me that much... much more my heavenly one

something that greatly interested me as well
hmm
well at a group of tables nearby
i think there was an extended family eating
grandma, grown-adult kids and all
and the grandma made a fuss over wanting to pay the bill, drawing money to pay the bill and all

and the question is raised
as much as money is a tool, and all
and status and prestige are facets of social structure
when we dont live up to certain levels of expectation, mostly selfexpectation
there is a certain shame in that
not being as lavish or famous as before
hmm
so this is agape love
to give of yourself
in the ways that matter
the ways that hurt

i feel the need to apologize

although ive done so several times

hmm

i have no real excuse really

im probably some crude, un polished

retard or something



gosh



so often i try to be more

to say more than what im capbable of

and well

i do more than shoot myself in the foot





its just well

when u talk about correlation

emo blogs- inspire deep and thoughtful discussion

maybe depth and thoughtfulness do lead to emo blogging?

i dunno

im just some dumb bugger

stranger than you dreamnt it

you cant lose what you never had
so why do i feel this overwhelming emptyness

why, why why
am i lost not to be found
six feet from the edge
going under

that doppelganger rears its ugly mug(dare i think it alluring)
and im helpless regardless

take me break me
tear me down
down down down, till i hit the ground
take till there's nothing left

i give what ive never had
to gain what i never could hope to hold

im sorry i didnt mean to be such a pig
so its over and well done
but i dont feel so
till i go down on my knees and beg
and grovel the dirt

dirt
to become one with what ive always been
kinda like embracing one's true essence


you should get a peek from down here
everythings the colour of shit, and the whole worlds much bigger, taller
(im not insulting short ppl)

so i cry out to You
take me in
please
berfore im lost
and unable to cry out anymore

you wont let go of me
i know
help me to learn that

and you think im the emo one
so where do we go from here

no more melachony, no more vauldeville
just whats left behind the curtain
all raw and real

i thought i was smart

bit off much

bile and gall

so what conisists of our state of being?

well
ive finally the mood to blog
after a bath and a subsequent walk
well i know the orders a bit weird but hey
tts my problem

i think ive grown up a little today
i dun noe what prompts me to say tt
but yeah
its just this feeling i get

today promised to be a really bad day
hmm
well
i'm on bronco course
for those of you less informed
what this basically means is that i'll be staying at GEDONG
that stupid far off place

hai
and yeah
i was forced to go for some company cohesion today
bleagh
at east coast

the planneers obviously didnt take into account the travelling time
i cabbed and was still 20 plus minutes late
i got caught in the rain and had to walk much
not to mention the moolah i spent on the cab

at least i had something that had a semblance to fun
hee
well
i guess


walking in the rain
its been some time now
haha
the last time was
jc days or something
or some bmt road march but those dun count
theres something relieving and liberating about it
like as the drops come down
they make part of you real
like for once, something inside comes alive again

quiet time at east coast
haha
something i guess ive done like twice in my life including today
today was
surreal
haha
i was actually walking like from one end of east coast to towards the hawker centre(somewhere in the middle)
when i noticed that the stretch of beach i was on was particularly picturesque
well
i happened to have my bible with me
and there was a clean bench without a couple making out on it
so yeah
i sat there, looked like some uncle
stoned abit
but yeah
makes me wish i stayed like at one end of east coast or something
being able to see the sunrise everyday or something like tt and yah
quiet time on the beach

contemplating amazing mysteries in contrast to my drab life while in view of a panorama of waves crashing down onto the shore again and again and again
there's something soothing about waves
just watching them come in
seems almost like prozac
hahaha
gosh
i think im losing my power of description

bleagh
yeah
but imagine it
its about 6 fifteen
the time of evening when light is soft
the sky cloudy and dyed a faint pink
the greenish blue waves coming in onto the dunes
the beach clear except for drift weed

hai

almost makes me feel like pitching a tent there and living there forever
hai

anyways
yeah
so after i finished my quiet time
i continued heading towards the hawker centre in the dimming light

wandered around awhile wondering what to eat
or whether to walk further and grab macs
when i saw steph
well actually i recognised stephs mom first
so i reasoned the steph looking girl queing with her was steph
haha
queued behind her
wow
she actually recognised me
haha
hmm
its strange really
so many people i know going overseas to study
she probably rememberd me as this boy who attended cell in short school pants or something
bleagh

not a bad day in all i guess
although the satay bee hoon
didnt live up to the queue length

now im suffering withdrawal symptoms from not having a phone
hhahaha
actually, its strange
despite the increased inconvenience
i think its good, you know
like being able to live free of technology(here i am using my com)
well
at least i know if the world would have some firesale-think die hard 4.0
well
id survive
i think

oh yeah
im not going bowling again lol
at least tt time i broke 50 lol

im stuck here, before another book in
wondering why
why even when everythings going fine
there's something missing from this all
i begin to think about that crazy dream
no not the one about the house with the white picket fence
but the one well
the one that matters

never really been able to share it with many people
actually
ive only shared it with one person
its this crazy dream
where we become more than we are
more than we ever could be
where our restrictions/our flesh
falls and dies
where we finally dont struggle but live a life of infinite breakthrough
where we live our God given dreams
walking the talk
where our intentions and our acts, our thoughts and feelings
are all wholly and totally sanctified
no longer marred by self, the world and the devil
but all pure and holy
where we will preach to millions
minister to lives
and actually make something of our faith

i dun noe how tts gonna happen
i mean
its like the dream of the house with the white picket fence
i cant see any straight road leading there
i can only hope to be a better man each day
a more pragmatic man, a man of more character each day
and hopefully reach there one day
same with the crazy dream
i live my life a step at a time
lining myself up upwards
and hopefully taking a few steps in that direction

hopefully one day i'll reach there
for all the other days
well
haha
i guess we'll just toil on

and ya
ive just recieved the greatest insult
someone thinks i look like some of those uncles who go around collecting and playing magic cards...........
bleagh