finally got like 2 years of wasted time figured out
so my dark and ominous foe

inside my head
fear of vulnerablity, hate of people
pride

gosh

so distastedful, i subconsciously avert it
and to what cost
so much time lost

maybe i took the godfather trilogy too seriously
maybe im just scared of hurts

well,
how do i go against years of ingrained algorithms...
hhmm
irony isnt it,
how sometimes, cowardice and arrogance form such a potent mix

well i'll try
i wont pour out the receses of my heart,
but i'll try

hmm
i guess someone has found a way past the defences..
but im scared to explore that option
just scared
in the pursuit of more, we might lose what we have already
is the cost of living
or is regret of 'could have beens' worse?
i dun really wad comes next

well
ive gotten back my prelim results
a couple of disappointments
2 bs
hmm
anyways
well let see, i usually dun like t0 post about my mundane life, but ive gotten a pair of black thick plastic specs
lol
i think i look more like a doofus now...
lol
well
id just like to take this oppurtunity to extend my thanks
to all the people who have taken it to celebrate my bdae 3 months belated
i might not break out in tears but im touched
seriously
and i love the pic, now ive just got to figure out a way to immortalize it

disappointment
so i guess i deserve every drop of this bitter gall

never realised how important conviction was
but now when im struggling with mine....

i vaguely rmbr an article i read on friendship in sec sch
well
rmbring something read 4/5 years ago,
i guess it must have made lots of sense then

it went something like:
at the initial stages of frienship, there is a hight frequency of activities and things done together
but as the frienship ages/matures
the frequency of the activities decreases while the intensity, and meaning of the activites increase,
there is a decrease in time spent together, but the time spent together is of higher quality..

and i guess its true
that while often frienships dun last
those that do suprisingly need little work and little time
but when good friends meet up,
the clock seems to tick backwards
and we can be laughing and being a public nuisance like the little bastardy sas sch boys we once were

as you said,
we may not have many friends
many acquantances
but not many friends
honestly i prefer it that way
less stress
lol
ppl are hard work

heres to finally realising how much i need you
and here's me being afraid to admit it
lost and empty i want you back
but im much too proud to apologize
and im falling to pieces from the inside

so im the ultimate scumbag,
unfeeling, insensitive
whats new

the questions i ignore and avoid,
i choose not to hear or answer
but really, could i give you an answer?
heh
ive got nothing to give,
nothing that i could offer could interest you
worlds apart
really
and im sitting here in my monochrome,
in my sad parody, where everyone's a clown
wishing to be part of your world

here is a catalogue of the ccm cds i have
i decided to post it here to save the trouble of sending to diff ppl

abe laboriel and friends(jazz)

avalon
- the creed
-stand

building 429(rock)
-space in between us
-rise

casting crowns
-casting crowns
-lifesong

chris tomlin
-not to us
-arriving
-live from austin hall

CFNI(worship)
-overtaken
-upside down

David Crowder Band
-a collision
-illuminate
-the lime cd
-can you hear us

day of fire(old school rock=p)
-day of fire
-cut and move

dc talk
-free at last
-intermission

deliriou5
-cutting edge 1 to 4
-glo
-king of fools
- mezzamorphis
-touch
-world service

desperation band(church groups)
-who you are

downhere(indie)
- wide eyed and mystified

gateway(church worship group)
-living for you

hillsong
-God He reigns
-more than life
-mighty to save
- united we stand

Jars of clay(need i say more)
- if we left the zoo
- much afraid
-eleventh hour
-futhermore
-redemption songs
- who we are instead

josh groban
-closer

joy williams
-genesis

krystal meyers(rock chic- ala avril)
-krystal meyers

kutless(rock- good stuff)
-kutless
-sea of faces
-strong tower
-hearts of the innocent

lifehouse(good stuff- pretty acoustic alternative rock)
-no name face
-stanely climbfall
-lifehouse

matt redman
-facedown

mercy me
-undone
-spoken for
-almost there
-coming up to breathe

micheal gongor(vertical music)
-worship from the frontlines

needtobreathe
-daylight

parousia(local band)
-parousia
-exchange

paul baloche
- a greater song

philip craig and dean
-the ultimate collection

planetshakers
-all that i want
-always and forever
-evermore
-arise
-pickitup

rebecca st james(less rock rock chic)
- if i had one chance to tell u something

seven glory(indie)
-over the rooftops

shane & shane(beautiful accoustic)
-clean
-an evening with shane and shane

shawn macdonald(accoustic)
-ripen
-simply nothing

steven c. chapman
-all about love
-all things new

switchfoot
-learning to breathe
-new way to be human
-the legend of chin

third day
-livewire
-whereever you are

youth alive(church group- with alot of edge and drive)
-elevate
-shout your glory

compilatiosn
-in the name of love-artist united for africa(many famous artists jars of clay tait starfield pillar grits....
-veggie rocks
-the passion of the christ songs
-soul survivor 2005
-music inspired by the chronicles of narnia
-passion 05-how great is our God
-passion 06- everything glorious

well
recommendations
er
lyrical poetry-lifehouse, jarsof clay
rock hook- kutless, building 429, day of fire-heavier rock
worship- hmm i like planetshakers youth alive gateway and desperation band
chris tomlin- not to us is also classic as well as shane and shane if u like nice vocals +accoustic

got some jason upton stuff if ur into hearing prophetic worship on a cd

well
im in a generally more pleasant mood, so i think this is a good time to blog

i found what was missing
well maybe i just wasnt lookin in the right places
or refused to look where it could be found
anyways well
i guess one void has been filled
and much doubts have dispelled
but where does that leave me now?

finding my feet i guess
well
we'll see
thank God for the work He does anyway

id just like to make a statement in faith
im gonna lay down wadevas been running thru my head
and whoevers been running thru my head
ahahaha
dun ask

anyway
hopefully one seasons over
and a more fruitful one will start
i pray

hmm
sometimes the world just seems off its spin
sometimes we're just not tilting our heads right

life can be sad
but well
we're not called to be sad clowns
so after this elegy, i guess
we go on with life
bearing thru the pain holding on to hope, faith and charity
aiming for a better place i guess
i guess
well cheers

with so many ppl in nostalgic moods,
i guess i should post something on the times past

truth is i guess im not the best person at looking back
im too detached...
not able to feel sentimental
nor able to mourn properly

all i know is good times are nearly over
and i guess im gonna miss them
honestly
the last year or so has been fondest to me

its like the words of my fav chinese song
those times have gone,
we're no longer friends
the words spoken
the times we shared
the good feelings
the suffering together

but what are we to expect?
to hold on to a strand of time and space forever?
time passes
life passes
we return to dust
do we actually gain anything or take anything with us
even memories fade
hopefully we count for something

if we never meet again after this
think of me kindly please
i know ive been mean and evil
obnoxious and hurtful
but yeah
think of me a little more kindly than that

guess my bad mood's been obvious,
still, i guess its nice to know that people notice
or isit because im too blatant....
hmmmmm

anyways
prelims half thru
must say,
hmm
some papers were abit tougher than expected
guess ive slacked off too much
time to get down and really mug

recently i've had the pleasant oppurtunity to get together and chat with some people i normally wouldnt have the oppurtunity to interact with
i guess ive been really blessed with nice people around me
i just wish sometimes it was easier for me to be appreciative and to have a more cheerful disposition

to all those around me who might be wary of my mood
dont worry, 90% of u arent responsible for my mood
lol
dun worry
i wont bite
i might have a sharp tongue
but well
stick and stone's break bones
i'll try to be nice k

but got some stuff on my mind

a look from you, and im no longer sure
where do i go from here
so many places id rather be
yet part of me just refuses to budge
all the fear that holds me back
all the disdain that averts me from stepping forward
the pride that breaks me and cast me unto the rocks
i need a breakthru
i need Your touch


well i guess i'll try my best to at least smile
hehe
no need to sing me a song
lol
it might not be me, but im not yet in a state where i just cant smile
hopefully i'll nvr reach there

and about the church changing issue
well
i dun noe
i shall see how things progress
most of the time the problems internal
i know that
but yeah
we'll see how the wind blows