So what are u setting the stage for?

For some reason I felt really deflated just now

Gosh this really is becoming a place to complain about the weariness of life

Right now im struggling with two sentiments, one of fatalism, one of apprehension of life, neither of which I know is very Christian

Part of me is hoping that like some cheap greecian theatre, God will somehow appear in the midst and everything will turn out right
Deux Ex MAchina, it sounds cooler than the idea it Actually suggests....

The is still humor in the world,
It's just that the time between laughter seems to be dragging long and thin

sometimes I just wish I could it burst out laughing, or cry uncontrollably,
I think both acts while not particular to humans, is probably the most humane in our repertoire.

I think of the emotions, I find resignation and despair the most beautiful, well mYbe relief makes it to top 3 as well

Don't get me wrong, im not masochistic, or sadistic (contrary to popular belief)
It's just that other sentiments are just so fickle and easily shaded by circumstance and mood

Despair cuts straight through our mental and emotive walls,
The hollow pit in our stomach, the crushing weight of reality
The utter bleakness of it's countenance....

I think maybe Gods love is a lot like despair
In how we dont really feel it per say but are consumed by it, nearly crushed by it

If despair is so present it transcends feeling,(IMO despair is more an experience than a feeling)
Resignation probably is one of the most subtle

I think its feels so much like apathy that though the common expression of resignation in literature is that of a sigh, and a shrug, and a deflated posture,
I think it's a sigh we feel the least

It's not strange I guess that relief follows these two closely, if it does at all

Perhaps it's strength as a sentiment arises from the magnitude of the formers
Sometimes so powerful, it takes days for it to register

Ive been moody alot lately, I wouldnt lie by saying i totally have no idea why,
I do know why in parts, but they just dont seem to add up to enough to justify how fustrated i feel

perhaps the weariness of life is getting to me
perhaps the humors are out of balance

met up with an old church friend, well the term "ex-church" friend is more accurate actually
and i realised through him how many of us whom i thought settled down somewhere arent so settled anymore

perhaps when we left, we left our hearts behind

but there isnt anywhere to go back to
or at least isnt much to go back to
being a nomad is wearying

sometimes i just feel like running
well more figuratively anyways
physics tells us that if we run fast enough, we'd eventually leave the earth
i think that'd be nice
to float around in empty vastness and not have to bother about all the shit thats down below

a friend told me that he has started to doubt
and asked how do we know that wad we believe in, that which has been distilled over time
is in fact the truth or if the truth has be lost through all that merciless boiling
let me get it clear, he didnt stop being a theist, he was doubting the collective tradition of christianity that we have today

i didnt get a chance to answer him then
but for my own sake i shall attempt to here

well let me start of saying from a intellectual standpoint
we dont
thats the whole postmodernist bent
we have no absolute proof
all the stuff that people went around giving lectures on to disprove dan brown
well they did have more grounds than a fictional story perhaps
but yes, the dead sea scrolls though a brilliant archaelogical find could very well be a hoax by some  16th century artist just as how the shroud of turin is now thought to be.

so where do we go from there
well we start from a standpoint where believe that Gods is real, and he is good, and he is loving
(be it from personal experience or whatever means of getting there) (of course we believe in his omnipotence and omniscience and so on....)

and for a moment, just a moment (although these moments are far too frequent for me)
lets assume that the stuff they preach in church is misguided misinformation, truth passed down through centuries and warped alongst the way by impotent men who saw to it to color it as they pleased.

well faith is trusting God to speak out of the chaos
and if we believe that God is real and still works,
we believe that he will redeem his word, and his church (although i grimace as i type this)
faith is believing that God will still let Himself be heard above the noise and the subjectiveness of the clergy


i guess faith is also trusting God to find us a home
and to deal with all the angst