and how can i stand here with you, and not be moved...

faith enough

just in case, ur wondering
no these last few posts have little/nothing to do with my exchange,
im fine, not homesick in the least...
everythings well, cold yes, but it's all pretty good.

perhaps my last few posts sounded a little depressed and i guess i shouldnt have used the phrase far away (due to their homesick connotations) cos now some people assume that im not settling in well
i am settling in well, its been surreal

its just
i think my decision to come to finland aside from the 6 months holiday, chance to meet interesting people and the cheaper booze
was partly to run away.......


and sliver of it was in the hope of finding God in the wilderness, or that He would come find me in mine

if/when im honest with myself, it gets kinda scary
cos i dont think ive grown much spiritually over the past 3 years,
yes there has been much intellectual, emotional and social growth, which is always awesome,
much cynicism as well

if im brutally honest,
i think ive regressed to a point where im ashamed to spread the gospel?
im not ashamed of being a christian
im ashamed of the church because thats so often a mess
and im even more ashamed to ask people to look at my life, because its a bigger mess sometimes
and that is a problem

we dont talk about it in church at all,
the struggles, how its hard to make sense of the christian life,
how the standard we're called to in word, thought and deed is so far removed from where we're at,

we dont talk about because it seems church has become a place for whole people to celebrate their wholesomeness
no room for the broken
no room for those with issues
and i do have issues,

and it doesnt help that id rather be out with friends drinking than being at service or worship retreat
or wadever

i came to finland to hash out my personal issues,
to be amonst unfamiliars to deal with the things i couldnt reveal amonst friends

i also came to finland to burn my bridges,

you cant make it to the other shore if ur saving reserves for the return, sun tze taught us that (the swimming analogy is from gattaca, but the principle was originally sun tze's),

i dont think i have anymore time to postpone growing up

thats the gist of it, as much as i can muster, and if you still cant get it,
just assume im lovesick or something, cos i guess thats partly true, in a way, annywaysh

home enough to know im lost

i'll follow you into the dark

feeling so far away,
God, i miss you

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Jealous kind

I hate myself for feeling this way So far away and helpless Chose the gallows to the aisles Thought the love would never find, Hanging ropes will never keep you From the love of a jealous kind

paris

if you must know, im missing, i dont know,
its i dont really miss anything i had or did,

except the idea of something i never had.........................

im just eager, and at the same time dreading the time when i have to return home
back to life
back to decisions
back to life, oh dreadful boring sad ..... and ultimately futile?
well i hope not
i should pray not, but i dont think its something i can muster right now


i dont want to be that guy
....
its the worst thing i could ever do