i never wanted to hurt you
i never wanted to let u fall
but i guess i have
and im sorry
you dont noe how much i hurt inside

shocked
i'll nvr get over how you threw your life away...
so what now?
i have no idea

i shall start by defending myself
i have nothing against short people
i just enjoy teasing short people
behind the mask i wear i actually admire them alot
i mean it must take alot courage to survive in a world that appears bigger right?
wahahahahah

anyways
been chatting with a friend about matters of the heart
and the conclusion ive come to,
actually the conclusion ive held all along
that it is better to suffer in silence than make things awkward
there is only so much ur heart can pine
but involving the whole world opens up a bigger world of hurt
a big big world
trust me i know
and ive hurt before
and suddenly im feeling small again

hmm
anyways
ive realised that aloy has been right all along
beer sucks
lol

people have been right
ive never really been ambitious
ive never really wanted something and chased after that
i can achieve much
but i cant really be bothered
will sloth be my bane?
there isnt much i want
and that which i really want
im not even chasing
but i dun dare
cos
i might hurt if i try
maybe
argh
well
i think im gonna start
i want.......
i want You
and if you havent been reading enough, i save the capital references for the divine

and of course other things... but im not saying more

i shall attempt to start off this post with something lighthearted and lightheaded
but first a disclaimer,
i dont intend to make this blog a lighthearted....
its not in my nature and yeah
even the perpetual optimists blog seems darker at times
much less mine
so if u want a a read which will make the world seem like a loving cuddly place,
go find some bimbos blog
i can recommend a few
lol

dang
the attempt of writing something nice takes too much out of me
anyways
i realised that some people think they can figure out the psyche of a person by reading their blogs
personally i think that thought is just dumb
the nature of the exhibitionist is to display that which he wants to display(meaning that you read what i want you to read therefore what i deem i want you to know)
either the blogger is a bafoon
and uses it as a journal
or the reader is a bafoon and thinks he is reading a journal
nuff said

hmm
on a side note
i think God doesnt want me to drink
im one of the few unlucky people who get a rash everytime they down too much alcohol
ive not even gotten drunk but ive half itched to death
argh

anyways on to what i really want to write about
as of late of have been seriously disturbed by the the depth of some people
or rather their lack of depth
simpleness is good and fine
i mean
there are simple people out there who amaze me with the directness and yet profoundness of their thoughts and actions
but then again
not everyone is that mature

what i find really disturbing is when simpleness manifests itself as shallowness
the inability to read behind the surface and find something at the depth and core
how people relate to each other on such a sickening outer layer that we never see behind the masks

maybe im thinking too much
and fretting over the picayune
but is it too much to ask for people to try and relate beyond the outside

sick double standards,
incosiderate
unthinking
trivial

im tired
im fed up
but in what place am i to do anything
oh have around me people who have a brain

ok maybe im wrong
maybe its not because you dont try
maybe its because ur unable to in the first place
but if thats the case
i dun noe which is more pathetic
both possibilities are just sad

anyways
ive been thinking of what to say when i meet someone who promised a meal with me
hmm
hmm
as much i want to stroke my ego by insisting ive been right
i havent
and ive learnt that the hard way
you cant just walk away from church
you definitely cant walk away from the straight and narrow

and maybe my outlook might have been more flawed than that
i admit that much
still it will make good meal conversation

the important thing
have i really learnt
have i really grown
because from what i see
im not that much more mature or caring
older yes

and i havent really moved that far from square one
still weak
still feeble
still fickle
still inconsistant
still scared
still confused
still walking in circles
still a hypocrite
oh to seize the prize

how i wish
i wish many things
and many things not so great
to win some hearts
to lose some flab
but i guess part of me wishes i could go back and do things different
regret
oh poor pity party, guilt and regret
well
suck thumb and go on
well i guess one wish i still have is that my heart would be drawn again
more than that crazed intoxication
but rather by an unbending, harsh ominous will,
that unsatiable fire that so desires to perfect me at any cost
do i fear the flame

ive asked myself that many times
but recently
ive been able to say
no

come
come consume me
burn me up
break me bring me low
but draw whats left close
oh to lie broken in ur bosom
if only
if only i knew how
but i guess i dont
i just need to trust
so trust i must
even if im the persistent pessimist

camps over

so at last its over
tears sweat late nights...
just hope it was great and memorable
not just lip service

learnt so much,
just hope it runs deep enough
i dont want to have to go through it so many times.....

finally finding my feet again
it took long enough
strange, the things that sober you

realising how human i still am
vulnerable as ever
new dilemmas
to eat the cake or have it

but what if im just deluding myself
and all in it for me is pain?

fear
fear that grips our hearts
is it better to try and hurt
or never to try?

all i know is that i must learn to be grounded
somehow

well
this has been the most memorable bdae so far
can only think of one other time
thanks to all the people who made it special
really
i dun feel much but it meant alot to me
alot
hai
just wish i had a better grasp of myself
if only i could possibly ....
well

heres to me knowing myself
at least my weaknesses
so what are my strengths?
not that it matters
so what does mater?
at least some things finally do

so i shall sign off now
hope it wont be too long till next time
if im stil alive
happy bdae to me