becoming a mugger

hmm
promos slowly creeping in
i must start to mugg
its inevitable
either that or
hmm
well
what can i do?
ahaha
anyways
to all those who read my blog
sorry for not posting consistantly
unlike some arts fac buggers
like cough cough Mr Lian cough cough
i am not really free...
ahahahah
anyways
i figure its time to start doing some constructive again
hmm
so many things to do in the mean time
hmm
what matters?
in the past
the answer to that question morphed, and ya
basically underwent some fundamental transitions
and i still havent figured it out fully
but hmm
its time to get my head out of my ass
outta my self pity
and procrastination
and do something
i'll leave it to ambiguity and my descretion to decided on concrete plans and actions
ahha
so ya
pray for me
that i will mugg hard
and ya
do my best to glorify God

for those who understand,
for those who care
for thsoe who know me and know what this means
there is a new star in the evening sky
wahahahah
ok nvr mind
u didnt need to noe
so don ask who
what id rather blog about is this strange sentiment,
the unexplained tightening in the gut
hmm

its quite strange
sometimes we go looking
go seeking after some not very edifying thing
and we end up getting more than we bargained for

sometimes
we just happen to be lazing around minding our own business
and it ends up that a certain someone waltzs by
our nose picks up a whiff of foriegn cologne,
our heads turn, we glance around trying hard not to appear to be staring
admire, and maybe goggle too much
hahaha
but seriously

i mean its really ironic
take for example
Joshua Harris, all respect to him
after a bestseller-i kissed dating goodbye,
he gets married and writes- boy meets girl
ahhaha
ok
personally i prefer the cover of i kissed dating goodbye
but well
covers dun make a book
and ya
who am i, some unqualified protaganist,
to make assumptions on books i havent read

anyways
i personally think all this infatuation is not worth it
although it does add colour and vibrance to school life
makes it slightly easier to wake up in the morning
and to stay awake during lectures
makes pe and morning runs less torturous,
makes borin times in the canteen when we just sit stone and stare less boring and more fruitful
as if....
haha
u do the math
hahah
but ya
i think its time i thank God for bringing me through a season
hmm
a rather strange and foriegn season to me

a time of great stupidity,
of infatuations
and the like
of boyish fantasies
uncomfortable stares,
thumping hearts
hormonal imbalances and a couple of other retarded adjectives.
hmm
eye candy is bad
u could get diabetes,
or at least into alot of uncomfortability and deep shit
hahaha
but really
i must give glory to God
for bringing me through a time
when i let my primitive side run loose
and was ruled by hormones rather than logic
where i allowed emotions to cloud my morality and judgement.
hmm
im sorry to anyone who i might have disturbed with any of my wierd stares
or to anyone who might have been hurt by unwarrented comments and strange messages if any
hmm
but ya
i guess ive gotten more used to being around venitians...
took some time i must admit....
bah... sas only breeds monks and despos
hahaha

ok, so ppl do read my blog
haha
anyways, back blogging after a weeks plus hiatus...
not enough time to sleep, so ya,
it naturally follows that id rather spend the little i have left making my eye bags smaller...
this past week/s has been
well interesting

im having the time of my life,
fellowshipping, and mixing with sfc ppl
or rather the sfc exco and friends, hahahah
its really interesting...
honestly if we bother at all to peer past the social stereotypes,
we could get to know alot of sound, admirable fellows...
maybe a tad wierd, not exactly like minded
but ya
diversity brings colour
then again
what colour?
hahahaha
sorry
couldnt resist
for those who dont find it funny
dont try to look for the joke
i wont put anything here(rascist) that could potentially cause me legal trouble....

but ya
got to know better some really cool, really unique
and well,
real different individuals whose company i have strangely found, to enjoy...
but anyway
beyond all this camaraderie
hmm
maybe i really relish this new found christian community
one serious about God,
cross denominational
but ya
equally serious about what counts
and making a difference
at least trying to
hmm

well to cut to a point,
i guess we all need a community
and favourably
one that can accomodate our personal preferences and taste....
at least not condemn without bothering to understand...
we could all do with the affirmation, the edification, the spurring on and encouraging
and maybe even abit of friendly "competition"
maybe im saying all this because i dont exactly get this in another place
or maybe at least not on such a scale....

due to the recent spates of people facing in house suspension in school due to certain acts through blogs
i shall first start with a disclaimer, i will not post any names, at least not run down any names
if i run down anybody, the person shall be anonymous
of cos if the description does match that of certain individuals.....

just wanted to blog about certain details
hm
i think its time to get serious with God again...
i mean really serious
an exciting adventure with Him again....
i miss days gone by
but what choice do i have?
at least he hasnt disowned me yet
hai
if only time would stand still and let us enjoy a moment without regret
anyways
i started this blog because i had lots to say
but now that i have nothing much to say
or rather
maybe ive changed.
well
i guess than my blog has to change too
its not like i have a loyal fan base
hmm
maybe i shd draw some attention to myself by flaming certain ppl at certain institutions and finding myself in shit
but
ya it aint worth it
i mean like
no point expressing dissent about certain ppl here
those individuals are already widely hated
hmm
argh
maybe ive lost my touch
maybe i nvr had once
or maybe ive lost the need to let the angst in me out
hmm

its been such a long time since ive blogged...
school has been killer
after running around for CMW, i had to catch up with my school work, which wasnt very enjoyable...
this is one of the few days where i can afford to laze around and blog (actually i cant but who cares)
anyways hmm

i guess its amazing how things change so fast
and ya, ive changed,
the condition of my heart at least...
cant say im perfectly spiritually healthy
hai
but i guess that is of my own doing...

been really busy
hmm
havent really been reading much lately
but managed to squeeze in some time for a autobiography of JRRT
hmm
the man who gave me and lianny hours of excited discussion in sec sch
ahha
but what i really learnt
how even great friendships, the stuff of legends, can fall apart,
its sad
how to brilliant enigmatic individuals, who could grow so close,
could become so cold
it's tragic really....

i think its time i re-evaluate some of my relationships,
maybe im taking some people for granted
maybe

hai
recently had CMW evaluation
hahahahhaha
its so ironic
but i really want to thank all those who were there for me
especially those who i didnt ask or those who i asked last minute
it has been bitter sweet
haha
really
im not cut out for leading people
not firm enough
hahahaha
but ya
i think the rest did a great job
i'd like to thank Caleb, Dennis, Zhen Xiong, kenneth yoong,
for chipping in
i noe i inconvenienced some of u
but i really appreciate u guys

its strange really, how time progresses.
about this time last yr, i was trying my best to help the BULBS people,
hmm
thought i was doing something great
ahahahha
ironic really

at one point, church life is all that im about
now im barely around
doing more in school
lillian talked to me on saturday
about not commiting my all to school
of how my ministry in school should outflow from my church life
interesting
what outflows from my church life
so much going on
but nothing im in the midst of....
hai
hai
maybe thats how my life is going to be
one regret after another?
nah
its not worth it to regret
but then again what is?
gotta start thinking abt tt one again

homesick

i just feel so out of placed there nowadays
maybe its because ive been committing myself elsewhere
maybe its because im drifting from the people
maybe

it is no longer the same place
no longer the same laughs
no longer the same camadarie
i wish it were
so many times
i wish that we could live forever in a time already past
now there is so much going on that i dont feel like im a part of
so much i am critical about
so much i sneer at
the people there have either changed left, or moved on
i feel as if im trying to chase a rainbow
an ideal so fantastic its no longer real
trying to cling onto a hollow shell that has died out sometime ago

im starting to feel as if i belong elsewhere
ok maybe when i spend most of my time doing stuff for elsewhere
i should feel more my loyalties shifting
maybe

maybe its becausing I see and feel God moving in another place
moving through me that is...
maybe

maybe this place isnt home anymore.....

as entropy would have it
things change
people change
and all we are left with is an ideal
a dream
a memory
the spirit behind that which we cling onto so tightly
and when these slowly wither an die
what then?

think i shall end with a song
by mercy me

You're in a better place,
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

friends

it really takes a crisis or problem situation to open our eyes about the people around us
recently i had to be in charge of the logitical part of cmw
getting ppl to help out was nothing short of a nightmare
people constantly disappearing
offing their handphones
people telling me they werent free on the day itself
it really opens our eyes to the companionship we keep
they dont mind being around when it means laughs and fellowship
but when it means work
although minimal
they disappear
i have to thank the people who stayed on and helped me out
especaills so to those who didnt promise me their help
thank you guys so much

hai
at least those who informed me with prior notice that they were unavailable had some grace
certain ppl i know just told me they didnt want to help hours before
to put it crudely i was really pissed
and i nearly fell out with them
i dun noe how i can face those ppl without thinking lowly of them
i dunno
hai
God help me

i think God has really used the recent CMW and the christian reunion dinner to speak to me
beginning to realise once again the futility of trying to go it alone
hai
should have relied on Him more
should have prayed more
at least when i cried out to Him he was always there for me
i thank Him that even when i turned my back and walked away
He was faithful
and never left me to my plight
constantly wooing my heart,
calling me back
gently convicting me
and stirring my heart
hai
its quite amazing really
God often uses the times when we least expect it to speak to us
maybe it's because we defend least against those times
christian reunion dinner to me at first was just some dinner where we would sit round and talk crap
but apparently God had other plans
hmm
what Mr Victor Wee and mrs tan shared really just touched my heart
about love, it represented by what we commit our time to
and how loving means not complaining or aruging and how as children of God we have so much priveleges and power
and how the world around us is depraved...
what i took away from it mainly is the fact that i have to return to falling in love with God again
i walked so far just to realise this...
i really must thank God again for how he carried me through the cmw period
so much work
and so many problems
but he always provided a way
even though i spent most of the time cursing under my breath rather than crying out to HIm

all this has made me realise

i want to fall in love with Him again