while talking to lian today, mmm
other than learning about various interesting happenings

i was reminded of something that really helps me
there are so many what ifs in life

what if i was smarter, taller, more handsome,
what if i went to some elite sch instead of everyones fav sch in an opposition ward

but when we do that we are talking rubbish
senile rot if i may so call it

what did not happen does not exist....
yes it could have been, but how are we to know
unless some alternate dimension is out there, with a jeremy,
who is smarter than me, more charming and maybe even gay....

its sobering really, how fast time moves on
and people change and drift apart

and we lose the things we used to stand for, and the ground gets taken from under our feet

but im thankful that at every stage of my life since i can remember,
well maybe except one very awkward stage

ive always had friends to chill with on a daily basis

i think thats been one of my greatest blessings

went for a talk on braids in physics by Prof CN Yang
if you dont know who he is, well you better not be studying phyics or science for that matter
cos he is a nobel laureate.....
actually before i came to ntu i didnt even know who he was
hahahaha

oh wells
but im glad fedor asked me to go for the talk
i dont know
its kinda like stuff came together in my mind again?

mmm
maybe thats not a good sign, since every major decision i make seems to be based on signs ala paulo coehlo style
well i chose ntu because of the ad on the back of a bus
and i left my previous church because of..........

but i guess it was comforting to hear how topology, a pure math could be analogous to the path of fermions
cause ive been tryign to understand closed plane curves to no avail

but yeah
i guess i should put more thought into it before jumping into pure math instead of applied math as my major

if only

we could choose the hands we were dealt

the way things are now, theres so much to be thankful for
i guess

but it seems that our lot is the dearth of dreams
for a moment there i thought i found another
but it seems we're lonely poor souls in this waking world

if only we could chill, joke, laugh and mess around forever
i dont want these days to end

the first song in a long time to give the chills

This great evil - where's it come from?
How'd it steal into the world?
What seed, what root did it grow from?
Who's doing this?
Who's killing us, robbing us of life and light?
Mocking us with the sight of what we might of known?
Does our ruin benefit the earth, aid the grass to grow and the sun to shine?
Is this darkness in you, too?
Have you passed through this night?

we are a messed up bunch
born into broken times in a broken world

well at least we have each other
some days

thank you ming han for giving me ur explosions in the sky stuff

i was just remininscing with my roomate of how cny seems with every passing year
to become something more of dread than joy

i think it has to do with how we lose the magic growing up

disillusioning really

the money and the food are the same, but i guess we lose the best parts of ourselves as we mature sometimes

i just cant stand relatives who honestly dont need to know asking me why im studying mathematics and what kind of a job im gonna do in the future
or asking me why im not attached yet, or telling me i put on weight

honestly, who cares
not everyone studies for the sake of finding work in the future

i cant stand cny
cos its a reminder that even the things we used to treasure and look forward to
we one day will no longer
and that blood isnt always thicker

wow two posts in one day
maybe im out to prove something

i was sitting eating my dinner in canteen b(yes really sad) and i noticed that the sky was that particular hue it always reaches just before it gets dark
and then it started raining

and for a moment there
i felt that tinge in my heart

that longing that we get when we're percieving something beautiful and we wish for someone to share it with

i guess i wouldnt mind
having someone to share the beautiful things in life with
the sunset sky
the rain on the window pain and the thunder
the beach in Nice, France
listening to stormy by lifehouse while in the back of a jeep surrounded by wilderness

some moments i must admit
it gets lonely looking at the sky alone

men without chest

i think ive had an epiphany into why im so reluctant to blog nowadays

its probably the subconscious realisation that i lack the ability to write anything truly beautiful (maybe it has something to with being a math student)
i think the mark of any good writer is he manages with simple words to transcend the form and peek into something nebulous and unobtainable

cheryl chen once mentioned to me, that its God's way of doing things, to let the dreams He gives us die, before fulfilling them in His time

well i dont know about the second part
but i think dead dreams are what i have plenty of now

im no renaissance men, and looking at my lack of wonder, i wont make it as a philosopher either

sometimes i wonder if i throw myself into mathematics not as some form of self-mortification

i guess there is beauty in math too.... somewhere somehow
but its form is alot more abstract than im capable of on any normal day

i think ive gotten good at walking away from churches

well i was never very good at integrating in the first place
but i fear that its become something of a habit
wait did i just make a pun
oh well it wasnt intended
and i am good at calculus, its the social thing i struggle at

so we rent our clothes and grovel in the dirt
because we are dust,
mere dust

on another note
it seems my blog has found a new follower
well thank you so much
i think its flattering that you consider anything i write worth reading
although it may very well have been by mistake
and might i say you right much more beautifully than i could ever hope to

and i must apologize to mr lian for borrowing your title
but on somedays, i think i for one lack the moral courage to face the next day