Simon
Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.

'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker till they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfilment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defence;
They tore it down.

And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.

You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.
And I have felt the same as you,

I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,

You watch your back 'cause no one will.
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you.
Not one word was true you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

my turn to plagarise

so much has happened and so much has changed within one weekend
how to capture the essence of it all in one blog post
more importantly
how to cling onto the essence of any of it blogpost aside


hmm
well, i think since im still chewing on much of the more meaningful bits myself
i shall post the rubbish

well lets start it off with a confession
ive stolen a life conc poster
im really sorry
i couldnt resist
it was staring at me from above the urinal
i really considered returing it
and ms gay kinda convicted me
but i forgot

bleagh

anyways
all the best to chaos and co, rock the gates of hell, and proclaim Gods name
and no, ur blue shirt wasnt intense
hmm the oddest thing happened
in the midst of all that loud music during the full dress
some girl through a referal started asking me chem olympiad questions
bleagh
its so kitch i think i may puke

but she looks so much like T_____
maybe T_____ with brains.....
westmall rendevous......... bleagh

ok, this is really turning pointless
mmmmmm
i think im starting to see the signposts pointing to where i want to go
jigsaw pieces maping out the path less trodden

anyways
i was super encouraged to see a bunch of my juniors going back to serve in life concert
(the girls, i mean since its dance and well guys need to enlist)
but encouraging none the less
its great to see them catch the vision,
and bloom into such beautiful people who are so willing to serve God
im so proud of them, it almost makes the late nights spent tormenting them worth it
although i doubt i did much good
hahhahahah
although of course i didnt tell them how glad i was to see them serving
ahah
it probably wouldnt count for much if i said it
hahaha
i think ive officially made myself an ass
the kind of senior u see in the street, whence u lower ur head, wear ur shades and walk on the opposite side of the street
im beginning to see how i missed so so so many avenues to be a better witness
i admit
i regret
that i didnt do the more that i could have

and more importantly
im sorry i got caught up so much in my foolish dreams and human aspirations
im sorry i lost track on what really mattered

ive found my centre again
and i think its time i stopped wasting all that Youve given me

im giving up this foolish dream that is you
hmm,
you are
still wonderful
of course

but You
You are a jealous God
and i'll no longer give over myself to another

this is a really wierd season,
gales and storms amidst the golden sunshine of autumn

teach me what it means for the deep to call to deep
in the roar of Your waterfall
all your waves and breakers crash over me

overwhelm me again God

oh that You would come and rub mud and spit in my eyes
so that i may see

but it must feel wonderful to have warm tears
it seems kind of tragic that most of time, the character out of faery tales i identify most with is the dwarf

ive become this duality,
this two faced freak
this double person
one of me loves, delights in the law, worships unabandonedly
but it seems to be the weaker half of the composition

i wish the other half i struggle with was simply a mask
another paper face on display
even that would be simpler, even that would be better
it seems more like the opposite is the status quo

like thomas i doubt, i revel in apathy, i disdain the shows of faith the cries of compassion
i live this whole other life that doesnt seem changed by faith

what then?
will God finally come along and crucify my doppelganger that i may finally stop doubting and declare Him as "My God" and more importantly "My Lord"?
(again, for those who dont know the difference........... dont read my blog)

would you break me into pieces that i may finally behold You
that i would become nothing in the awe that is You

at the sea, i wait on my knees

despite all that i am, and all that im not,
i made a choice,
ive chosen life
and life abundantly
now that You would come along and remedy this mess that is me

John 20: 26-28(niv)

26A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" 27Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe."
28Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!"

todays easter sunday sermon was based on this passage
and although i must say it was one of my favourite sermons by ps tony
i dont think im in a place to comment on it, or to try and convey its essence in full.

what struck me really was how ps nearly broke down reading the above quoted passage
and well it rang in my mind for awhile(i must confess to having tot abt it kinda more than the sermon points)

for those of you not familiar to where thomas appears in teh gospels
he is only given the limelight in the gospel of john
where in all three instances, he is the one raising doubts

a man whose struggle against faithlessness and doubt is only too apparent in the bible
not a hero of faith or works like paul, peter or timothy,
maybe thats y i care so much abt that exchange in john 20

because of all the characters in the bible, i aspire to be like david
but im most like thomas
even in the midst of great shows of faith and piety,
where everyone is hyped up and excited
im standing in the back raising my eyebrows

when people are look to events and new seasons with expectation and hope, im probably the one remarking that it'll end up as fruitless as everything else

thomas doubted
but he finally triumphed over his doubts
maybe he needed to see to believe
but he out of all the disciples was the first to acknowledge Christ as God(theres a diff btwn calling Jesus God, and Son of God... for those who cant tell the difference, i wont bother explaining)
the faithless one was the first to make that jump of faith

its a touching passage because it speaks about Gods faithfulness in the midst of faithlessness
its touching because the doubter believes
its touching because its God's way of telling me there is a place in His kingdom for a doubter like me
(that doesnt mean that i now know there is a place for the doubter in the church, cos evidence thus far shows otherwise... to those who cant tell the difference between the two, well im blatently insulting you now)

i think the burden of doubting, is guilt
we feel guilty that even after all that God has done,
and everyone else seems perfectly capable of trust
we struggle

but i think just as thomas made that declaration
i think there's a beauty when the chronic doubter finally declares his faith, in the midst of every other doubt
theres something there, not necessarily better than child like faith
but its beauty is more sad and elegant
as to the place of the doubter in church
well, my senior pastor found that passage moving enough to tear
bwahahhaha, dont i just love to contradict myself

anyways, siew
i think i made a mistake that day
faith isnt the point of reconciliation for the physical and the metaphysical
its moreover one of the hardest things that we need to reconcile with the two

im feeling a tad sore
my trusty old black ipod has encountered its first major fault,
and the mini-jack(headphone) connection has problems
gah




for a cryptic, im terrible at reading the signs....
is what i read a hint of hope, or terrible confoundity...


im starting to wonder, am i in drawn by you or is it the idea of you that allures
mirrors and smoke


and i, will walk on water
and you'll catch me if i fall
and i, will get lost into your arms
and i know everything will be alright
and everything is alright

im so so sorry for sleeping like 20 minutes into tt rugby match
seems like a trivial thing to say
but
yeah
im so sorry for just simply falling asleep
instead of
i guess being there in a way
at that hour
i really feel like an idiot now
an insensitive bastard of sorts

to see the plastered on smile and be taken in by it
ignorant probably to tears flowing inside

i know how sometimes we're afraid to tell others because we fear that deep down they really dont want to hear what we need to say or that they'll belittle our circumstances or think less of us
but i do want to hear
and there's no way id think less of u or what you're going through
its difficult i know, or at least its difficult for me when i want to talk to anyone
but at least dont wear a mask with me please
because i care more abt whats beyond the pretence

ive found it(i think) at last
the key
to greatness
to becoming more
more than we could ever imagine

so break
break till there's nothing

breathing-lifehouse

soundtrack of my life

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be yeah

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say A
nd even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Its where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be yeah

have i told u that i love brooke white's singing?
for the uninformed and uninitiated
she's one of the top12 of this years american idol

pure, sweet, innocent
i think she has a sincerity that would do the american music scene some good
no more of that rehab shit

reminds me of someone else i know
kind to a fault, innocent bordering naivety

never knew perfection existed, even in its right wing conservative form
i kept the jigsaw but the flower died eventually
that piece of my heart

Ah sugar.
Oh honey, honey.
You are my candy, girl,
and you got me wanting you.

ah sweet memories, that nauseating nostalgia

anyways i just found out brooke white is a mormon

saw a girl on the bus on the way to church today,
classy, pretty,(y im making a random post? maybe i want to become more like chaos)
the thing is she reminded me of you

oh juvenile indulgences
to be lost in the sea that is you
but can i really afford to go under again

there's no fear of drowning
its the breathing thats taking all this work

i dont know where to go from here

all the bullshit and bureaucracy in the world?
what happened to the dreams
to the aspirations of greatness, to the visions of things that mattered?
how have i, have we
gotten so bogged down by this stifling suffocating paraphernalia of pointless and meaningless cling and clatter

how have we lost our joy, dreams
our souls our youth
have we simply grown old and thus disillusioned?
how do we become more
how do we break away from all this
this mediocrity

if what i see just disappoints
do i close my eyes

where
exactly
are You leading me?

so begins the final act
where i
disappear

like that whiff of sea spray
that stings the cuts yet allures the heart

unending disappointments
like waves that unceasingly crash against my shores
will it never end?

am i to be like a babe
tossed around in the waves?

had another series of meaningful talks in a bronco outfield

but im left with one very poignant point

ive realised that one cannot talk about one's concept of heaven without talking about God's presence

upon realising that, ive realised how reluctant i was to talk about God's presence

the more noble reason i gave myself was that i didnt want to risk allowing anything i valued so much mocked by others

but im beginning to realise

its more of my fear of losing face

this fear of being thought of as an irrational creature

and its troubling

how could i be so ashamed of something so great

ive lost alot of joy

how could i ever let that go?

you got me at hello