excuse me? do u noe where i can find joy

in case ur wondering

no, i am not refering to the name of a girl

just some distant shangri-la that ive heard of in folklore

hmm

no really

what is joy?

i suppose the most direct answer would be delighting in our identity in God, and in what he has done for us on the cross, and in the love and glory that we can bring to Him......

but than that would be quite far from what im capable of thinking about

at least for now, with my brain running on half the oxygen needed

lol

excuses

but really,

for me, for now

i guess its learning not to resent, and bring Him, something sacrificial

something pleasing...

something of worth

a side note, i want to change my blog song, but thats later....

hmm

i dunno,

joy hasnt exactly been one of my strengths..

i learnt to sigh since primary school

stare at the clouds and lament my situation

wallow in the melodrama of life, and the like

hmm

well

i guess one could call it perspective...

looking at the sides we choose to see

but i refuse to see joy as seeing the birds chirping and the rainbow and the flowers

hmm

i guess joy is seeing all the shit in life and knowing that God has everything in order....

well

we're seeking Heaven arent we

and i guess we'll nvr reach there until we finally let go and learn to look up

and learn to rejoice in the fact that we cant do anything rite and that everything has been set in place for us already

walking on a knife's edge

i guess the only thing we fail to see sometimes is the omnipotent One who asked us to walk the line carrying us

well

if we could percieve such mysteries

well i guess we'd see more of Heaven playing out through our lives.

hey, its me in the library typing again
seems like boredom drives people to blog,
i must live a terribly boring life
hmm

so much has happened,
now i find myself in a queer state of affairs
hmm
i guess on one hand im staying for now
on the other, i dont really wish to burden myself with the extra affairs of a local parish.... lol

hmm
well God's been speaking
in strange languages...

now He's sayign things like i need to find joy
joy in service
joy in living for Him
i guess He is right

like He can ever be wrong...

i suppose that other than with fear and trembling, we need to work out our salvation with a smile on our faces and a skip in our stride
wheee

well
whatever it is, i suppose i must press on
it is the only way... to reconcile my faith with my life
anything inbalanced will sooner or later have to reconcile...
id rather be the one to do it
i guess im learning to answer for my stubborness and aloofness in the past.
we reap what we sow
we get to taste the bitter harvest of our mistakes and stupidity...
well at least im happy
or im trying to be

whee

i guess im finally realising,
that depth is not how difficult our words are,
or how complex our algorithms appear to be...
its simply how what is on the inside, and how the crux of the matter, that finally being God, is reconciled and amplified throughout,
beyond wording and numbers,
the essence of being,
being captured, because that is what we know and hold onto.

here i am in school blogging
wow
its amazing
so much free time in sch
none at home
this world is imbalanced
everything abounding in all the wrong places.

i guess this rule applies to more than just my leisure distribution

its strange really,
i had to depart from an insistance on certain things i considered to be my cornerstone in order to find myself.

no i have not lost my faith or backslided,
and no i have not suddenly accepted some occultic doctrine
at least i hope ive not.

i guess its just learning to accept and make do with what i have left
or at least what ive been given
i suppose its learning one deep truth,
that u nvr really own ur life until u give it away to God freely

maybe i stopped trying to hold on and survive
so i finally learnt to live

then again
there are so many unreconciled areas and factors in my life
and as all good physics and sociatal algorithms tell us
all imbalances will be reconciled one way or the other,
its just a matter of the speed, smoothness of the transition and i suppose how pleasant the transition

maybe im buying myself time,
maybe im running away again
seems to be the only thing im really good at doing.

or maybe i need to heed that b-grade line...
u have only been fleeing
you havent learnt to run

i wanted to blog daily, or at least weekly,
but now i think if update at least once a month, it would be above expectations....
lol
the pass months/weeks have been really amazing
in terms of consistency,
i think my walk has never been as consistent.
but i guess to other people it would never look so slipshod
i have begun finally to understand some truths, and some archetypes, and norms that i accepted till now have fallen away.
conventions have been lost, at least some of them are lost to me
its quite interesting really
so much to do
and im enjoying 90 per cent of it
more than i could have expected.
yet the joys and comforts i held to in the past are gone
if i seem to go on rumbling without a point, its probably cos i dun noe how to put my point into words
i have nvr been one for beautiful expression
so i shant try
i once told someone i didnt like making promises especially since i probably wont keep them
i used to believe that it was better to be sincere, and just try
since we probably will fail
i guess im coming to realise how sometimes we must promise even when we tread a knife-edge,
because we have no other choice
because if we arent willing to give our futures to Him,
and go against all that fate may throw against us
we will never become all that He intends for us to become