monochrome

Like a black & white television,
everything before me appeared in shades of grey
Where has all the life gone?
The clear cut convictions,
the deep sense of purpose?
My hypocrisy uncovered,
and im left stranded.

Uncertainty all around me,
yet i remain apathetic,
is detachment really for the best?
stagnating, slowly dying off inside,
with all the hustle dying down,
im left confronting the vague shadow, that i fear i have become

a man without conviction,
a wandering zombie,
was life meant to be monochrome?
My heart numbed and frosted over
will i feel only too late?
i long to feel again
to hurt to groan, to labour
When will the winter pass?
When will the snow and frost melt and the flowers blume
when will the beauty return?
like an android longing for emotions,
desiring something that my world cant offer
do i belong here?
When can i return home
when can i find love, compassion and joy again?

like waves crashing upon a shore,
time passes, circumstances come and go
and the things i got used to are now sadly but a distant past

one recent event that really got me thinking was our class bbq
hmm
well i guess it was fun
people did enjoy the time together
but really i have begun to wonder
in our last year in SA
how much have we really contributed to each other
wad have we done to improve the thoughts and values of those whom we see almost everyday?
the sad truth is not much
and i guess thats probably why i didnt feel much nostalgia at the bbq
frankly but sadly, as good as the class spirit has been,
there is nothing much from class that i want to bring with me

well it is kind of my fault
where i could have contributed
i chose to keep in my comfort zone
be interoverted
and well
just block out all the negative rubbish people indulged in

and well
i think i have lost 1 yr of oppertunity
as much as their near debauchery disguted me,
the sight of normally decent people, trying to impress others by succumbing to the normal and drinking beer
well i guess wad disgusted me more was how our class bbq didnt have much to do with sharing edifying building up one another but simply having fun
really will we remember fun tt much?

after the church retreat, i also have been thinking alot about church too
i dont think of leaving that much now
but i guess i still wonder
really how some problems are going to be solved

the unknown,
hmm
that which we cannot possibly grasp but yet we try to control
the uncertainty of it all causing us to waste hours trying to predict, think and worry
the uncertainty, it sometimes paralysises us
causing our worst predictions to come to pass
part of me worries
after i go to a JC wad would happen
wad would my O results be like
honestly if i bother to look for room for messing up
there is alot

church people
as much as they are pretty much the nicest bunch of people i have met
they kind of also the most distressing
maybe thats because i open up the most and well put in the most effort in them
some people have been quite disappointing
after all the promises, all the growth
they still can go back to the world
to all its secularistic indulgences
well
i cant blame them
for a period i indulged too

things have changed alot
i can see it in many people
some well
change has done them good
they have grown, matured opened up
there are others well
suprisingly all the changes havent made them grow or backslide
they stagnate, not moving up or down but well maybe moving on to different planes as their surroundings change
there are those whom because of all the uncertainty have been shaken and well have fallen away some
hmm
and there are those who being thrown into new surroundings feel left behind
i guess all these are stages
hmm
i honestly dont know where to categorize myself
i have grown some
stagnated some
backslided some
and well
i guess been left behind some
i spent some time trying to find my purpose and bearing
well
honestly i dont think i have completely found it or completely commited to what i have found
but well
i guess i found enough to keep me going
i hope i can pesevere long enough to get back to the certainty i once knew

things changing

so many things have changed,
ppl around me,
me myself,
and i guess even the sentiments i experience towards some
well i guess it doesnt really matter.
tt shouldnt be my concern at this stage

honestly im not really excited about camp
i dont know why
well
i guess i shall just go with an open heart

recently i have been talking more to alot more people,
and ya, i guess well learning to fellowship
well much has changed, especially i guess my limits and my attitude
i dont know whether for the better or for the worst.

honestly, i think i have grown less ernest and excited for God
just feel so far away from Him sometimes,
argh

christmas is coming,
hmm should i buy gifts for all those im close to
very $$ leh, hmm
blehh
must as well lor
haha
especially for some ppl, feel abit guilty, cos last u they got me stuff
i nvr give them anything,
wahhahaah

people

growing up i guess,
finally getting a hold of everything,
and ya,
realised how much ive slacked/fallen in standard
so many things i would have not given a second thought to doing,
as of late, i have been indulging in
the high discipline i was once drawn to
well its gone

hmm
been chatting with some ppl,
haha its strange really
talked with the one guy who joined ministry around same time as me
had a good time chatting
but ya, realised alot of things
hmm

starting to understand people better
its amazing really
people just never cease to both amaze and disappoint
i guess the truth is that people have depth
and well, there are so many layers to see
and i guess as u get to know more layers,
you get to know them better

at this point i really want to apologize to many people
i have been a bad example and a hypocrite
did some things that are not right
some things which i told others not to do
and ya,
im sorry for not being a better role model
but ya, gonna change that
trying to set a standard now
hehe

ohya, the pope graduated today
for those of you who dont understand, dont think too hard
its an insiders issue
haha
well really proud of the pope
ahhaha, well done pope, hai
miss the old days of SFC & service
those days where the discipline was really high and where Gods presence was really in our midst
dunno where those days have gone
hmm, is tt beyond us now?
i wonder

pharisee

starting to feel like a hypocrite.
wad i advice people to do,
i barely manage to heed myself.
frankly, i dont even try sometimes.
im honestly not sure of myself anymore,
what happened to the convictions?
what happened to the commitment?

is this what is left of me?
a hollow shell?
a whitewash tomb?

hai, searching again for purpose,
i know it has not disappeared,
i have just lost sight of it.
now im trying to find it again

God help me, to come back
to a place where the motivation is simply to please You
where i am lost in Your love again
Please
cause im getting broken inside,
and starting to hate the empty shell that i am

is it abt me?

recently i have been thinking alot about the current situation
to be honest and frank,
i wouldn't say that the problems have gone away
in fact, i think they have become rather well defined.

wad i blogged abt just now(the post below this one)
well i wouldn't put a disclaimer that it isn't partially about me
i mean sure, after the Os i havent had the oppurtunity to get caught in the rain on a rooftop,
and some stuff was overly exaggesgerated, like the stuff abt ending it prematurely(i tot it would give it some drama, haha, watching too much chinese serials)
but ya,
i guess i am struggling abit(alot) with certain stuff.
its like my foundation has began to show its weaknesses
and all the stuff i used to hold onto tightly and belief in strongly
well lets just say that i am not so sure about them anymore

to be frank,
i thought of leaving for awhile
some may call it running away,
i may call it taking a break
but it does not really matter
i already know that i am a coward, so what difference those it make?

i seem to going around this the wrong way so i think i'll get to the point
well, as much as things have really changed,
many events are not pleasant
well lets say some things have happened that well,
i guess convinced me to stay for at least some time to come

firstly, i guess it's God and what he is doing and saying to me
but well, honestly, i haven't really given him much space to work with
hai, i guess it's true that the only thing that can limit God's work in us is well, us

secondly, people
funny really,
i seriously did not expect encouragement to come from such a place
well i shant give a discourse about that.
well i just sincerely want to thank the person who encouraged me recently,
i think you know who you are
i must say it really is a joy to know you
and well, not going into the more minute details
well you have been a great friend
Thanks, i appreciate it

other than the person, i guess other people have led me to decide to stay awhile
its really ironic
sometimes, when you clean up after others,
as much as it is tiring,
it keeps you going
i dont really know how it actually works like that but never mind
that is not important
put it this way,
i dont want to be a discouragement to some people whom are close to me
and ya, i guess i realise that even though i am frankly not that good an influence
i guess i am an influence
so ya,
if i wanna help them, then i guess i must help myself
well, to those people, if you know who you are,
well keep going k
we will get there together someday
i hope
haha
but seriously, keep going,
honestly, i think some of you got a better chance of making it than me
just need to iron out your foundation and some issues,

dunno lah,
i want to help so many people, but truth is i cant
i cant even help myself sometimes
im no superman
i guess thats why i was so drawn to marvel superheroes such as spiderman
they help others at the cost of their own social live and happiness
well what to do, i guess i have to keep trying
at least now my mindset is better
i used to have a mindset similar to that of the british national health system
"give treatment to everyone, then after that there will be less to take care of"
as a result, i guess it started to feel really sucky as more and more just piled on
well, now i suscribe to the chaos theory.
chaos is the only constant
and ya, i guess just leave my POSITIVE mark on who i can
after all, im no superman
and ya, saving the whole world is Gods job not mine
just do what i can, and well, hopefully it will be enough

confused

a man stood on a dank, damp rooftop
his mind lost in a world of its own,
he seemed unperturbed by the storm brewing overhead,
being caught up in the inner turmoil within

looking up,
the panorama of raindrops falling brought his mind back to reality,
cool raindrops on his face, stung his heart like shards of glass
warm tears, intermingled with precipitation flowed down

the external bleakness,
just served to mask and magnify the confusion within
circumstances like the overcast weather, had shaken him
his principles and beliefs crumbled

looking over the edge,
he contemplated ending the pain prematurely,
but at the last minute, cowardice took over,
and broken and humiliated, he withdrew from that thought
kicking himself for not daring

but then a voice rang out in his head,
"does it take more courage to run away forever to an uncertain place
or to face the the uncertain realities?"
and he knew he had to go on,
cos somewhere out there,
were people counting on him,
people rooting for him
people he did not want to hurt with another act of stupidity on his part

the man, broken and wretched,
a hollow shell of his youth
as much as the world had changed around him
he had changed with it
and now he no longer recognized himself
he had lost his innocence, ignorance and bliss
in exchange for doubts, paranoia and reluctance

but he had also grown up,
albeit too late,
ironically, he began to treasure purpose and beliefs
just when he had lost grip of his own

he closed his eyes and indulged in the storm
for a moment, forgetting his train of thought

then he turned around and headed indoors.
back to the problems, back to the pain
back to the search for his lost beliefs and puprose
only this time, with a reluctant vigour
after all, there were people counting on him,
he couldnt let them down could he?

A fool is a person who harps on how lousy and undeserving he is
and then goes on to indulge in the ultimate escapism,
thus hurting those around him
if he was so much a lesser being than others,
why hurt them in order to escape the pain himself?
shouldn't he rather bear the burden for their sake?

sure life sucks,
but there are others, things, and purposes worth living for
and the person who overlooks these things is one of the biggest suckers of all

After Os

promised myself that i would blog after my Os
but honestly, my brain aint thinking straight

i guess as much as it holds a stigma, and the mugging sucks,
the Os was a needed distraction,
got me to sit back and look at myself and problems
and honestly, i guess i'm not so confused anymore,
uncertain, but not overly disorientated or clouded up
now thats its over, well firstly i have to thank God for bringing me through it
really wouldnt have survived without him

now that it's over, i guess i have got to deal with certain issues that have plagued me
honestly im uncertain of where i should go or what my purpose is.
i guess its partly abt which institute to go to
but well, not sure about certain other organizations anymore
i shant digress much on this matter, cos ya dont think it's good to tell others about it
might discourage some

well, it really made me think about faith, about why i trust Him
it also made me consider my reasons for trusting in Him

He holds my future in his hands
being outside of time and looking in, i guess he knows what He is saying and doing
yet sometimes, it seem so much like a foriegn notion
and i begin to doubt

many people doubt how free will can still exists in conjunction to predistination,
but the more i think about it, i guess it kinda makes sense.
if u see God as a being trapped by time, then i guess if he knows what happens then,
it wont really be uncertain and left to choice
but truth is
God isnt bound by it.

eternity isnt the neverending passage of time
is it something outside of it
You exist outside of our dimension, beyond our constraints,
time itself is Your creation,
even the "now" is merely for us where our time touces Your eternity

You give us free will, and it plays out through time
You see the choices we make, before we make them,
but ya, we still make the choices, You dont force them on us
like a story by a writer,
we are Your creation, but just as much as You made us,
we are constant to ourselves, playing out the way we choose to.
truth is even though the story is planned out,
we, the characters still do what we choose to do
our choices if viewed from Your eternity, probably are just as certainty
but in the passage of time, are just as much choices.
well, this i guess is what we get when 3 dimenstionals such as ourselves
try to comprehend the omni-dimensional One

well, part of what i've been trying to analyse,
is my response to conditions, and what it should be
Whether to be the cold dark pessimist or the warm coloured optimist
truth is, as i ponder abt it, i beging to realise that the answer is not in an extreme of either end
extremism of ideals, isnt this what led to so many problems and disputes in history?
in biblical times, the extremes of faith or works led to much confusion and in the end
rendered both useless to the point whereby believers had to be rebuked
God did not call us just to have faith alone or to just do good works, but to both,
and to more importantly, obediance
similarly, as i look at both modals, i realise that both arent perfect
chasing rainbows at the cost of neglecting the darker truths is escapism
embracing the darkness at the cost of love would be misery
what we are called to, rather is i guess like the real world, a fusion of the extremes
to deal with both the love and the pain
after all
both are just as important realities
and exluding one would be foolishness
after all, as paul said, "i have become all things to all men"
in the same way, i guess we deal with each circumstance as is best called for
dealing with the pain with optimism so as not to give up hope
but accepting the fact that the pain is real and might last
while, good times shd be enjoyed without much restraint, while not holding on too tight to it
after all, we are called to be as gentle as doves while as sly as a serpent
therefore, i guess the modal should be based on Jesus
haha
feel like such a bathos(anticlimax)
but seriously
i guess he dealt in a real way with both pain and joy
and in the end still did God's will
extreme moderation with results
ahaha
as dom once told me, dont be a pessimist, be a realist
encouraging to those who need it, discouraging those in the clouds(jking only)
haha
well i guess that is what is called depth,
being multi-faceted but having one common and deep foundation, Him
letting Him live out through our lives in the way that pleases his will.

reality

so much has happened,
thought i was steadfast enough
but a wave of circumstance came crashing in,
and i was thrown about

bitter, like gall in one's mouth
truth hurts, and i guess nobody likes to get hurt
(well, at least emotionally)
people come people go
those i thought i could hold onto now mostly gone
well, what to do
as that song goes cest la vie
what a fool i was to wish i could stay there for ever
well, as a teacher i respected greatly once said
there is a four letter word to get u thru all this: cope

letting go of so many foolish dreams and aspirations,
well i guess thats what growing up is all about
then again as a phrase now generally unknown goes
experience is the mother of illusion

no longer dwelling on the past and the emotions
no longer paralysed by fears
but now i find myself cold, slightly hardened
no more zest or zeal, just a pessimistic real view of the world
no more skip in my stride(if there were any)
now a dragging of feet as i perform my obligations

life neither rosy and beautiful nor cold and unforgiving
rather, a fusion of the extremes
well, i must admit i learnt some lessons
that there's no point dreaming about great things unless i take the first few painful steps towards them
that i cant really hope to achieve much by myself, and that i should learn to pray for grace to do Your will day by day
that i should no longer take faith and trust for granted.
that zeal and passion should be treasured and nutured by the will
that people wont be forever there and i should learn to treasure them

my greatest regret thus far is that in losing the ignorance, for at least what i hope to be, a clearer view of reality,
many reservations arise,
no longer dare to throw myself head on into stuff any more

i really admire those who still can
they, knowing the true state of things can still throw themselves into what they believe to be the right course of action without worrying of stumbling
some may call that fanaticism
i call it faith

hai, well i dont suppose i can have the cake and eat it at the same time
at least even after i find the value of fellowship, of faith, of fervency,
i can still enjoy them a little
i guess i cant really complain.
cos ive gotten so much more than i deserve already

a bastard child treated like a prince
a ragged fool, who u took into ur arms
i thought i deserved so much more
but i know realise i have infinitely more than i could ever hope and dream to deserve
and yet, u promise me infinite blessings.
it really shows what an idiot i have been
hai, well
time to stop focusing on this fool,
and focus on the fool's creator
after all, his foolishness i cant hope to comprehend

cant really concentrate on mugging
so ya, last night and today morning i've been fiddling around with music on my blog
mugging aint fun, but wad to do?
no choice hai (sucks thumb)

well put the ayashi no ceres theme song but then someone said not nice:'(
i guess its the interlude part which spoils it.

anyway, put some other music on
hope its nice =D
hehe
i know it clashes with the dong haeng cartoon
so u can pause the cartoon if u want

just dont ask me where the music from k
hahahahahha

the mugger speaks

really wanted to blog, but ya
busy mugging

as much as i hate it, i think this period has been a real eye opener
i must say God has been faithful(he always is)
but ya, can really see his hand at work

many things have become clear
and i guess i've realised the stupidity i suscribed myself too

this past half a year has been
well turbulent
so many downs, and unfortuantely not as many ups
and ya, for the first time seriously began to have tots abt leaving a certain group
but i shant digress on that now
lets just say that i guess i'll stick around awhile
cos ya, God apparently doesnt want me to go

well, wad to do?
hehe
learn not to rely on others for fellowship but be more pro-active
take the iniative
haha
sound so fake

but seriously lah
i guess cant rely on toking to dom, anthon, xie and cc to pass the time in church
must learn from my da ge, LQ and take care of ppl

gonna end with this
its a song by a Christian band called parousia

ever so often i complain
on how life's been unfair to me
on how i deserve so much more
than what i possess currently

and its a sentiment that makes no sense
when i look at what i have at your expense

its an unequal trade
and i cant fathom why
You're so willing to
accept my sorrow
in an unequal trade
for Your inexplicable joy
how could i ask for more?

Trust

Learning to let go of insecurity,
learning to lay it down and take hope
why do I find it so hard?

You hold the world in Your hands,
creation, in its seemingly infinite continuity, and unpredictable uncertainty
exists as a defined constant to You.
You transcend time, for creation can never bind the creator
My past, my present, my future,
You view in your incomprehensible Now,
and You have promised it to be good

So who am I, a mortal man, that i dare to doubt Your word?
Through Your Word alone, i came into existance,
and by accepting Your word, I have been redeemed.
is it then within my capacity to doubt that which caused and sustains my existance?

As i ponder about this matter,
I am utterly convinced of what a lowly, flippant despicable human being I really am
I foolishly trust in myself and in circumstance,
while i dare to doubt the constant that remains through all eternity.

Lord teach me not to despair,
but to look past my failings and to Your abundant grace.
Help me to all but disappear in view of Your amazing reality
Tear down the stronghold of cynicism and doubt.
Where fear and confusion once festered,
let there arise faith, hope and charity.
Help me to remain steadfast in my will,
holding on to Your promises, that you "will never leave me nor forsake me"
and that "the plans you have for me, will prosper me not harm me"
Teach me to trust in You

sobering up

finally woke up from all the apathy
guess i have to give all thanks to God for not letting me go
He did so much for me, and yet im so ungrateful
the reality of it all, really hurts

anyways, i thought i would write this,
to encourage all going through a hard time, much like mine
this time of, hmm wad word should i use, umm well change i guess
has really shown me, how little i really have grown,
and ya, how much more i need to grow
i guess i cant be satisfied anymore


Lost and alone,
i walked in the cold,
looking for someone to lighten the load
but there no comfort availed, in this world of regrets,
i walk on, empty, forlorn, without hope.

Yet He came
from somewhere above
perfect, without sin, and eyes full of love,
he bled and he died, for a sinner like me
to bring salvation, of which i'm unworthy

even then
we struggle to please him
in our carnality, we stumble and fall
we try to persevere, for somewhere above
a pair of scarred hands, embraces us with love

i stop to gather myself
why the recent condition of my heart?
why the coldness, hardness and rebellion

could it be bcos the minisitry is heading in a direction i no longer want to head in?
could it be tt i feel lost without the ppl i considered my mentors,
now tt they are dealing with a drastic change in their lives?
could it be all the penned up fustration and anger?
wadeva it is,
im finding myself lost and confused
i no longer know where i want to go
and im no longer sure of myself,
of who i am anymore

and then there's you,
the ppl who are supposedly authority over me
u tell me of how u have "more experience than me"
but you don't lord it over me
you tell me tt not being transparent is pride
you tell me tt my not confiding in you means i dont trust Him
means i dont confide in Him

well, im sorry if i dont meet ur expectations
im sorry if im too insecure to be able to trust you
im sorry if i dont find the merits of you being my "leaders" enough to win my trust
im sorry tt perhaps bcos of past issues, i find myself only able to openly confide in a handful of ppl

maybe ur right
maybe i am being proud
maybe i am being arrogant
maybe i dont have a relationship with Him
maybe i dont trust Him

but im afraid all you've succeed in doing is to irk me
you waltz in here, and u expect me to open up to you
what makes you so deserving of my trust?
what have you done for me?
how have you proven urself trust worthy?

you tell me tt if i cant trust you, who i can see, tt i can't trust God who i cant see

Let me ask you this: There was a time when i used to cry to God every night, and i had no one else to confide with. Where were you during those times?
during those times i could only trust in God, and it was only thanks to him tt i made it through, i didnt even know who the heck you were back then
and now you come telling me tt if i cant trust you, i cant trust Him?
what gives you the right to insult everything He has done for me like tt

you say tt i give you disrespect,
well
i agree with you
cos i find myself losing respect for you with every other word that you say

lifeline

hanging onto strands of reality
i barely hold on
truths i thought so certain,
i struggle to hold fast to

a horde of vague and obscure sentiments crash down around me
the path i tread now hazy in my sight,
barely persevering
barely holding on

being dragged along,
the waves and billows of circumstance
they wash over me,
tired of being tossed around,
i want to cut the lifeline

but i hesitate

something in me just won't let go
deep-set in my mind
a memory etched from a time i want to forget:

those nights when i cried alone
in all that pain and distress
he was there
embracing me
comforting me

am i to let go of hope, of love, of the only source of joy i ever knew
to give up the only thing i find worth living for?

i close my eyes to stem the tears,
and cling on
dont let me go

Broken

Broken, stricken, desolated.
have i walked away from everything i once held dear?
the principles i held so dearly, the treasures i held so close,
have i in a moment of folly squanded them all?

Delibrately walking in the other direction,
letting go, falling away, slipping, sliding, turning back, growing cold, walking away
is that all that is left of me, a broken shell?
few notice, but the fire inside has died down,
no longer that spark, that light inside

how long can i run,
how long can my back be turned on Nineveh?
till the storms come, till i get thrown overboard
till i get so completely engulfed i have no choice than to turn back?

seem now so far away,
indulging in carnality,
it seems so easy when compassion and love are not neccessary
sure it feels empty, a fake substitute
but i'm unwilling to return,
not completely willing at the least

is that all that's left of me?
not sure of wad i am anymore
God help me please.
i know i cant let go of you,
but just find it so hard to return back

Falling away

i walked on for so long,
came so far
i struggled on, but still did not let go
i thought that i had it made,
that i was finally on the right track
that i was finally making some progress
i thought that such a time would never come,
and yet it did

never thought that part of me would be so hard to give up
but yet even now i refuse to let go of it
that shadow from my past,
that nightmare i long wanted to forget
it still comes back to me
i want to let go of it,
but part of me refuses.

i struggled so much it hurt,
so i decided to numb the pain.
want to stop, but circumstances just keep pounding
so many people around me,
advicing me, telling me what to do
sticking their hands into an area they dont even grasp
what God doesnt dig up,
man chooses to unearth
such stupidity it irks me

one struggle after another
no place of comfort
no one to turn to
no one understands
everyone simply yakking on about what they deem correct
so tired of pleasing others
so tired of even trying
tired of considering about others

So numb, so tired
just want to run away from it all
just feel like falling away
into that hole of self-centeredness
Just want to let go
to stop having to struggle and get carried away
to let someone else do the labour
gave so much yet....

i do not have what it takes to face it anymore
no more strength
just plain tired
just wanna feed my carnality
so i let go
turn my back
give up
walk in the other direction
fall away

little girl

a little girl,
hiding her face from the rest of the world
she searches for someone to love her,
but no one seems to care
she wants someone to be real to her
but she dare's not be real herself.

she lives out a lie
putting all she has into an image,
an image of perfection
hoping that she will find true love and acceptance
but she just cant see
that nobody can love a lie

a myriad of conflicting thoughts in her head,
so many different voices whispering in her ear
doubts arise
confusion ensures
and she fails to hear that still small voice,
telling her that she is loved

can't you see that all HE wants is for you to be real with HIM
can't you just let go of the mask,
let go of the mirage?
is the misery worth it?
or would you rather feed your fears
would you rather be fake?
how can people love a mirage?
is it better to be like by everyone, but not loved,
or loved by some and hated by others?

why do you seek phoney affection?
how can a real person love a fake?
or are you satisfied with empty admiration?

There is one who loves you totally
one who will never grow tired of hearing your voice,
if only you would open your eyes and see him
if only you would look pass yourself and your struggles and see him
see him, him who is always there in the midst of our storm
he who is there no matter how many times we reject him
he never grows tired of chasing after us

if only you would accept that he does things his way
that his ways are above ours

Just let him prove that he is real
Just shut out all the other voices and listen to him
If it is real love and acceptance you seek?
Why do you not give it a chance?

remember

the fire
a mere, flickering shadow of what it once was,
the zeal and passion,
now buried under layers of indifference and non-chalency,
the sense of purpose and commitment,
now a thing long forgotten
the yoke,
no longer a joy but a burden....an onus

am i to be satisfied with this Laodecian neutrality?
to be neither hot nor cold?
to serve out of obligation and not out of compassion?
Lord, how can i come back to that first love,
when my heart is so cold so hard towards you
when i know of you goodness, but am unwilling to submit

Remember....remember the first taste of my love
the first time you encountered me and felt i was real
remember all the things i brought you through
how wonderful it was to be simply dependant on me
remember how i changed you, moulded you,
how i blessed you and brought such joy to your life.
remember, the hope i gave you
the sense of purpose you could have because of me
Simply remember

truth

Thank You God,
for finally opening my eyes
for helping me understand
that though this path carries on for a lifetime
i should take it one baby step at a time
aiming for the end result
instead of procrastinating
pondering
brooding
yes, inquiring the path is helpful
but it only points more accurately the direction
it doesnt help us along the path
help me Lord
to take the first few baby steps
and start up again along that narrow hard path

eternity

emotions
so fickle
so flippant,
a passing fancy,
felt for a moment
and then ........ gone
gone forever
like a wind that has come and gone

but You,
the creator of the universe,
beyond human notions of space and time
Your ways too profound to be understood
Your thoughts too deep to be grasped
yet you loved me,
loved me enough to pay for me in blood

every tear, you collected
every cry you heard,
every heartache you remembered
you never let me walk alone,

even then
i foolishly continue on this path of self disillusionment
looking to the temporal for comfort
looking to the things of this world to satisfy
and in the end
weary and tired
i come back to You
on my knees, crying

Help me Lord,
to stop focusing on the temporal
to stop holding onto all these vague notions and strange sentiments
open my eyes to see
Your love
beyond mere emtions
beyond human comprehension
help me to look pass the temporal
and glimpse into Eternity

little girl

a little girl,
alone in a cold harsh world
her face hidden by layers of mascara
expressionless,
an inaccurate potrayal of the stuggle going on inside
disappointed by the world,
let down by everyone who she cared for
hurt, broken, lost, tired
nobody sees her pain
nobody understands

She struggles on, alone on that unforgiving road
seeking for someone to share the burden with
but everyone she meets just seems to be hidden under layers of mask too
fearing betrayal and rejections,
she cries alone
in her heart, she longs for someone,
to come alongside and help
someone who's trust in which will not be betrayed, someone constant, someone unchanging
she seeks for emphaty
not pity
but no one seems to understand
the misery she feels each day
and so she continues to struggle on
alone
in the harsh dark world

little girl
little girl
if only you would look up and see
that pair of nail pierced hands
reaching to embrace you

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out"
the only one who fully understands
the only one who can bear your burden
the only one who will never fail you
would you open your eyes?
would you take off your mask?
to let him come and show you his love

stained glass

looking at the world,
from behind a pane of stained glass,
everything a twisted shadow
everything a coloured mirage,
if everyone fails, whom should i trust?
if i cant even trust myself, then in whom can i take hope?
seeing all my imperfections and iniquities, it makes me miserable
his grace, so hard to accept,
his love, ironically seemingly too good for me
and yet he called me

on a long and narrow road
trudging along
with shackles and chains which impede me
all the shadows from my pass, coming back to torment me
all forgetten sins, all unresolved issues,
one by one resurfacing as my flesh slowly wastes away

Lord help me to cry out to You
cause im tired of living this life of struggle
this life of insubmission
open my eyes, show me ur truth
cause im tired of looking at you through a piece of stained glass

Hey, just wanna share something that really encouraged me, i found this at a korean christian cartoon site, and ya, it really makes sense

Loving You

What does it mean to love God?
to adore You?
to draw near to You?
to treat You as a friend?
to fear You with reverance and awe?
to please You?
to submit to You?
to obey?
to live in You
to let You burn in me?
to let You live through me?
to give my life to You?
to die for You?
Is it one of the above, or all?
Can loving You even be quantified?
Can it ever be good enough for You?
Teach me what it means to love You Lord

After the storm

Finally, the truth like a brilliant ray,
glimpses through the overcast gloom and doom.
the confusion clears, the struggle seems to have ended

You are sovereign and all i need is You
You dug up my pain, use it to make me dependant on You
You know what you are doing
I dont.
Encounter me through the pain
Drive me deeper into Your truths

I said that i submitted to You
Guess You're making me live out my words.
Well, i accept the pain, You have Your way.
Mould me, prune me, teach me
Lord i'm frail.
Lord i'm weak
Help me to be devoted to You
Help me to be surrendered, perfectly submitted to Your will
Make me completely after Your heart
take me undividedly

Your ways are higher than mine,
I can't even begin to percieve Your simplest thoughts
You are true, You are faithful
You will never forsake me.
Lord i cry out
do Your work
let my deep cry out to Yours

All in all

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name
Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name

Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Lord i'm in distress,
Lord I'm in anguish.
So many thoughts and doubts remain pertinent in my mind
So much confusion
Do I love You?
If yes,
Why
Why can't i proclaimn that
Is my affection for you that shallow?
Why this dispute within me?
I want to cry out
to cry from the depth, the reccesses of my heart.
I know You hear our cries,
so i cry out to You
This is how i am,
Unforgiving, selfsufficient, non-chalent, hardened, rebellious, unyielding.
Lord come and change me.
You hear my every plea
Even this one which i fail to utter without feeling like a hypocrite.
Lord come
Please
I need You

the wound

I thought it was gone
I thought it was past
that aged wound,
that stung my heart so many moons ago,
i thought i had forgotten all
the pain,
the heartaches,
yet they resurface yet again,
bringing me anguish,
making me struggle.

My bane,
the one who bore me,
one who claimed to love me,
yet in my time of weakness caused me so much pain.
The source of years of agony,
one who i once held dear.

No kid should be told that he is not loved because he is stupid
no kid should feel that his value depends on his studies
no kid should have to doubt whether his mom loves him
no kid should hate going home
no kid should loathe waking up the next day
no kid should have to hate his life
no kid should have to cry himself to sleep
no kid should have to go through that sort of torment
especially when he is only eight.

So many years have passed,
i thought i was over it
i had grown tougher
i thought that i had let go of that pain
i thought that i had forgiven
yet i held that grudge
unable to let go
unable to forgive

Grown distant
strangers dwelling in the same house
greetings a formailty
practiced just to show a facade
yet the silence harboring a deep rift
a contempt

It would be better to let go
to just let everything pass
but im not willing
not willing to forget the pain
wanting to administer my own twisted, sadistic brand of justice
provoking, making life miserable,
not only for the one i hold in contempt,
but myself
letting us all suffer
so that you will have a slight taste of the bitter misery i felt
no kid should have to feel that there is no purpose in life
no kid should have to loathe the next morning for the problems they bring
i cried out to God every nite
asking him to just carry me through
asking him to make all the anguish i felt go away
asking him to make the situation better.

even now, that season long past
the shadow it casts upon my heart still perturbs me
i never heard her apologize for the pain
i never felt her love, genuinely
each time she said, i love you, it seemed so hypocritcal
my sub-consciouss tells me that no mother will let her child go through that.
but i noe it has to be release
it cant stay this way forever
but i dont noe how
Lord help me
Cause i noe that you forgave me, this sinner who wronged You
who didnt deserve Your love
Help me to please You
help me to submit, to lay down my rights.
Cause i simply can't
I can't do it on my own

a new struggle

Why do i find it so hard to love You?
Why is there such a struggle within me to say I love You without feeling like a hypocrite?
Is it me?
Why is there no more excitement in doing your will?
No more joy in simply fellowshipping?
no more excitement in doing your will?
Have i grown cold?
Have i stopped loving You?
Why have i grown so weary?
I feel so obsolete,
unable to please you,
unable to change.
Lord i long for the times when i delighted in doing your will,
I long for times when it was second nature to want shine your light.
Lord bring me back to that place,
bring me back to my first love for You.
For the struggles have caused my heart to become rough and calloused
and numbed my emotions,
and the fire that once burned on the lamps has started to flicker.
Lord i need You
teach me how to love You again
draw me close
cause i noe that without the lifemaker,
wad am i?

Breakthrough

Recently God brought me a personal breakthrough.
It has been a refreshing change to the pervading struggle i face.
Lets hope this fallow period lasts longer than my previous ones(less than 1 wk)

Lets see...
I guess during this period, due to previous events and struggles, i got really tired
it was as if i was in a routine of testing, a rut of struggling which i could not get out of
i got really tired
wanted to give up
refused to surrender to God

But then he heard my cry
He answered
first he told me that he loves me not for wad i can do for him
but for who i am
then he told me to submit
then he told me that although i felt like i was in a rut
but i was growing
and that he saw my pain and anguish
and he collected my tears
and that even though i cried
i was growing
when i heard that, i cried and cried

he feels out pain, our brokeness
he cries alongside us
when we feel wretched
he feels it too
when we struggle to submit
he still loves us
He l0ves us no matter what
it makes us feel so broken sometimes
to know that we are loved even when we fail
it makes us feel so unworthy
so hard to accept his love and grace
but i guess thats why struggling on is worth it
Because He loves us

Something beautiful

something beautiful
something good
all my confustion
he understood
all i had to offer him was brokeness inside
and he made something beautiful out of my life

In my time of struggle, this hymn really spoke to me
Sure, it may be older than my dad
but its just so meaningful

nowadays, the more popular music(hillsongs, planet shakers)
have nice lyrics, beautiful tunes
and are so meaningful emotional, and can be sung again and again when im feelin alrite
but when im struggling
they just make me feel so hypocritical
and then during those times when i sang this hymn to myself
i just cried
its so simply yet complex
so deep
a depth which emotionality doesnt reach

Can't hear his voice,
Can't see his hand
Just can't percieve,
can't understand
All my iniquities,
cheapen his grace,
My own helplessness,
breaks me inside

Why oh God?
Why can't i change?
Why must i always be trapped in this cycle of sin
A cycle of failing, a cycle of iniquities?
I want to cry out:
"Lord change me and use me, mould me Lord,
I want to be a vessel you can use, vessel for noble use"
Yet my heart seks after other things
Things not according to Your will
pleasing my fallen flesh
Take me the rock higher than I
where all other things will grow dim
Help me to give up the ok and the good,
for the best, Your best

the angst

The lies, the discrimination, the anger,
all symptoms of my inability to live for You
Its disturbing that after so long, i haven't changed much
Have i changed at all?
Maybe yes, but is it enough?
I want more, i want to change faster
I'm so tired of failing, so tired of thes poor excuse for a christian.
I'm tired of people not being able to see God's love pouring out from me
Teach me Lord how to love again
Is it too much to ask, that you change me?
That you use me?
i thought i was mature, but i'm still childish
I thought i had grown but in reality it wasnot by much
I thought that i had changed, but i'm still just as weak
I thought that i had surrendered, but im still held on
i thought that i had yielded, but i'm still sitting on the throne
Im just so so far from the end point
and im worn out
Tird of knowing the path to walk but not perservering on it
this makes me feel so wretched inside
to know his grace, his mercy, his love his power
but unwilling to submit
So weak, so frail, so helpless
Lord help me
Change me grow me
mature me use me
dont let me fall
im slipping Lord
hold onto me

in my loneliness, You are there
to reveal Your righeousness in my despair
Jesus I long for You,
there's no one else,
No one like You

And I cry holy, worthy, glory majesty
You reign on high
over all the earth
You are my Lord,
My God and king

As i sing this song softly to myself
I can't help but feel torn
I know i'm supposed to focus on you
and in my wretchedness i need all the more to look to You
but i find it so hard
to just look past my own faults and to see Your grace
I know that in my weakness, your grace is made perfect
But i know i must submit
I must be yielded to You
but i'm not

Oh, To let you take reign in me
to let you live out through me
Why is that such a struggle?
Isit because i'm not walking in your presence?
Somethings gotta give soon
Either my own will, or my hold on the lifegiver
Its so tiring, my heart is so heavy, so down, so torn
as the psalmist cried out to You
"take me to the rock higher than I, than all the worldy things will grow dim in the light of Your glory"

Argh

There is a new storm building up within me.
so many wild thoughts flying around
so many vague emotions welling up within me
I try to make some sense of it,
but i'm too caught up with the circumstance then to find the root
The discrimination, the irritation,
my own ability to love others
My complacency, my fallacies
my pride, my self sufficiency,
my own will.
Have i not died to self?
Have i not denied my flesh?
or do i continue to sit on the throne of my own life

Oh Lord, that you will help me to lay down my life before You.
That You will help me to take up my cross.
I want to live for You
I want to shine for You
I want the depths, the reccesses of my heart to cry out and long for You.
I want to be on fire,
to have true zeal
a zeal not dampened by circumstances or emotions.
There must be more Lord.
Why is this vessel, this instrument so dull, so blunt?
Why am i so ineffective?
unable to do Your will.
Is it because of my pride? or my own will?
Isit because of the way i think?
Am i caught up too much in my own thoughts that I can't do anything
Why can't i cry out?
Help me Lord
I can't even seem to yield
Give me the ability to

Who's in control

Lord I'm not satisfied with a superficial understanding,
a superficial faith
Do i serve to impress others?
Lord help me to stop running away from the problems.
Help me to let You teach me through them
Help me to stop deadening myself to the pain and instead
accept it, learn from it, and walk through it with You

God in my weakness ur grace is made perfect
the question is: who is in charge?

Lord help me.
Help me to stop relying on my own strength
to stop focusing on the pain
to stop sinning
to stop brooding alone

Lord help me to stop hiding my flaws from You
Help me to be frank
to be honest

I know i dont have to be perfect
just need to serve the Perfect God
Christ living through me

More Doubts

Why can't i believe in You?
Why can't I trust?
I know You know what You are doing
And you want the best for me
However, i just can't seem to entrust You with everything
I still doubt.
Lord help me, help me.

Sunrise, sunset
Like the earth revolving the sun
So i am, tring to run after You
But s omany times, the path seems shrouded in darkness
And You don't seem to be there
But i know you are there, You always are
I just have to stop turning my back on You

struggle

Why is it so hard for me to struggle?
Why do I find it so hard to give it up when for others it seems so easy?
Is it me? Why can other people seem so fruitful and full of love, while i find it so hard to be effective?
Why can't my life be surrendered to You?
Why do some people find it so easy to live for You?
Why do I find it so hard to be pure, to be holy?
Why do i find it so hard to desire for your will in my life?
I'm so lost, i'm so confused.
Others see me as good, as mature, holy, God fearing
but I know i'm not
You know i'm not.
I'm just a fool, just an idiot
Lord, fix me up.
It's killing me inside, this constant struggle,
this internal conflict.
Lord i want to go to a deeper level,
I want to mature, to grow.
Help me Lord.
I don't want to continue struggling.
I want people to start noticing the change in me
I want to start taking action.
Lord, i want to start be your reflector.
I know you've done so much, but Lord it doesnt seem to be enough
I want more, i need more
I'm so far from Your voice.
Im so paralysed
I can't seem t want to do Your will.
I don't desire to pray and intercede,
I don't feel like loving Your people.
I don't feel like testifying Your goodness
WHy can others want what You want so easily
How come they feel like following You
Why are their paths so clear cut, so unclouded
Wo clear, no confusion
Why can't i grow, why can't i reach a higher level?
Above this playing field where i stuffle and doubt
Why can't i simply do Your work and long after Your will?

U luved me

You loved me Lord
You loved me so much
You sacrificed so much for me
I struggle to be grateful
I struggle to give you my life
I struggle to even live my life in a way that pleases you
I can't even seem to honour your sacrifice
Your question: " do you love me?"
it tuggs at my heart, making me want to cry
Yet you love me
You love me though i struggle
You love me though i fail
You love me even though sometimes i fail to reciprocrate your love
Lord, your love is so wonderful, so perfect,
and it makes me all the more wretched when i see how you love me,
this fool who can't even keep his promise to you
Help me Lord
For you are not a God who forsakes those that cry out

surrender

Surrender,
all that i am,
my will,
my thoughts,
my struggles,
my pessimism,
my desires,
my flesh.
Am i able to?
I hold on so tightly,
to my own crowns.
The very thorns that pierce my side,
in my stupidity i hold dear.
When you pull at them,
i refuse to let go,
my hands bleed, my heart aches.
I'm left trapped in a state of wretchedness
unable to forsake You,
yet not willing to lay down my crowns
Wanting to grow,
yet not cutting loose the constraints
I cry out in pain and despair
Why is it so hard to surrender, why must it be so pain?
WHy is it so hard to let go?
Lord help me

Doubts

Lord, why do you love me?
Even with all my faults,
my inability to surrender,
my constant procrastination, my doubts,
my pertinent thoughts, many of which are not about You.
My many failings,
my broken promises.
My will which is not according to yours,
my haste and rashness in making promises i can't keep
my mood swings,
My rebelliousness, my anger
My resentment, my begrudgement
my ...my wretchedness

Why?

Why do ppl let go?
Why do they hold unto sin?
WHy do they embrace deception?
Why do they delibrately work on in dillusionment?
Why?
Why do they forsake all that is pure and good, and chase after temporal things?
Why do they make a mockery of things,they know to be true, things that they once held dear?
Why do they harden their hearts & walk on the path of doom when they once claied that they would never turn back that way?

I wish i didn't care, I wish i could be numb
that way it won't hurt so much.
Wish I could just harden my heart and get a gd night sleep.
Must i always be the one who bothers, who broods who worries who dwells?
Must I suffer alone?

Am i so useless, that all i can do is to anguish over your fallen state, while unable to help you; unable to aid you; unable to be of any assistance?
Am i that obsolete? that i can only stand back and watch while you run into a wall?
am i that useless that all i can do is to pray for you?

Can't i show weakness? Can't i be the vulnerable one for once?
Can't i be the one who needs the help, needs the support?
Must i always be strong? mst i always be the one ho suffers in silence, wears a mask and continues to lease out help to the needy?
why cant i be selfish for once and just sit there and wait for others to help me?
Must i always be the one who helps others?
It is a tiresome life being the hero
it is always tiring to give without recieving

I wish i could cry out but i'm paralysed, and left feeling helpless.
I cry inside while wearing a mask
Yet You say in Your word that if I cry out You will answer.
so i take a breath and put all that i am into that one cry
and give it all that i am....

Wretched

We percieve but don;t comprehend,
we observe but can't do anything.
We feel wretched but can only lament.

In the silence, in the solitude,
my mind churns and broods, and all i percieve is my own foolishness.
Why is my geart so feeble and fickle?
but in his gracae mercy and love he has cosen me. and i am is. so what choice do i have?
but to yield and lay down self.


I'm weary and tired.
must i struggle on alone?
Can't i have anyone there to support me? To encourage me?
To spur me on?
or is there no one there to help the weary, the tired,
the lost, the broken and the wretched.

some lamentations

i like to just write out my feelings in free verse, helps alot with my thinking

below are Some of the things that i wrote(the better ones)
recently

???
The questions forever they torment me,
"why are God's desires not mine?"
My logic it tells me that wantinf what he wants is right
cause he makes it worth it
and he keeps me going
But my heart is weary and tired.
I am wary of failing, wary of falling,
wary of messing up, wary of getting disappointed and dillusioned.
Wary to the point where I don't want to try again in case I fail and start wallowing in despair.
This paralysis, this helplessness, my obsoleteness, it irks me, grinds in my head
I cant help but feel at fault.
Yes, willingness and yieldness is a choice,
taht we have to make despite of our feelinfs and our situation, but my inability to come to a decision- it makes me feel WRETCHED.
After all that time. haven't i learnt?
have i not grown enough, matured enough, to lay down my all and surrender to him?
Must I still struggle on, continue to be a dragged on?
Despising being dragged by a yoke, yet nwilling to cut it away.
Time to just close my eyes and let go.
Plunging into the Jordan is never easy.
All or nothing
For I am but a fool, and if i'm not God's, then i would just be a breathing corpse, without life, without purpose

so much has happened so fast, too fast.
don't think i'll try to describe in detail.
the issue btwn a monkey and a bear, issues of the other members of my cell,
my own struggle with my family, with loving God, with being on fire,
with submitting and surrendering to God
seeing my best friend, xie, have family problems, he backslided, for abt 4 mths

got really tired with it all.
felt so much like quitting my walk
felt so much like just wallowing there and letting the burden fall to someone else
felt like giving up and not having to worry anymore
felt like slacking

but i guess God has been really gracious. He pulled me through it all, and at least up to now, i havent let go of his life line yet.
i guess he has been using this period of time to mould me and shape me
even though it hasnt been pleasant.
one of the most clear cut changes is that now i'm no longer so reserved in doing things and saying things.
just too tired with not doing anything.
i guess i also learnt to rely on God more,
to put problems in his hands,
learnt to pour out my feelings and thoughts to him,
to communicate more with him.

i really want to thank some people who have encouraged me in this time, and have allowed God to use them to speak to me.
they are Glen and Caryn- for enduring all my rubbish and giving me counsel, Dom- for listening to me and mentoring me, Ling Quan-for lending a ear and encouraging me, Cheryl Chen- for being my cell leader, Xie- for not backsliding all the way, my other cell members- for the things you said, Teresa- for lending me that book which really spoke to me, you have encouraged me so much, my "granddaughters" for getting on track with God and being so encouraging

there is so much to say
so much to try and tell the world
so much to try and make sense of myself

the events of the past three months alone
so hard to describe, words seem like an understatement
all the emotions, all the confusion, the inner storm, the inner conflicts
the tiredness, the weariness, the wretchedness.
yet in the midst of it,
learning submission, learning grace, learning again the true meaning of brokeness.
looking into a mirror, no longer tinted by my own perceptions
and coming to terms with who i am.
Learning wad it means to serve,
learning wad it means to love,
to struggle on with others

testing

testing one two three...
can you hear me
does this thing even work