scribbles from the really small island
haha
well not to steal HUMPhreys thunder
but well
im back
from pulau TEKONG
ahah
actually its my 2nd book out
but my first one availed neither time nor mood to blog

during one of the cold lonely nights(its just melodrama-its quite warm sometimes)
well i journalled down:
i need to write, lest i lose the ability to do so
truly, its been challenging
not only in the physical peseverance sense
but my rationality and sanity has faced it
in a company of well, educationally challenged recruits
sometimes i miss intellectual stimulation
other times i just miss talking about theoratical meta-narratives with no pratical application

the lack of educated primates isnt the only thing i find disdainful
the atmosphere leaves alot to be desired
for one
the air is litted constantly by expletives
sometimes employed in astoundingly creative ways so much so that it integrates in the grammer structure

part of me thinks that the use of such expletives is due to a lack in vocabulary
thus they become alternatives to the much more beautiful and subtle use of english

well
for another is the seeming lack of decency
well i shant comment on it here
just that well
hmm
i do wish Godly company

and of course one must mention the physical training and the sargeants who scream and chase one around

well aside from all these
i suppose army has been well
not bad
not bad at all

its been better than i expected it to be(see the advantage of being a pessimist)
and well
i guess in a place where the things i refused to surrender cannot exist
i learnt to let go
honestly
army so far
has left me with a deeper appreciaiton for people
(note the use of deeper, not deep)

i guess its like i told a certain old fogey
army will be good for me
and it has been
i guess

hai
i wish i could blog about something more relevant or mentally stimulating
but honestly
i guess this is the best i can come up with
with 3 weeks of debilitating brain rot
well
maybe im not that much better those other guys in my company
cos
to those who are given more
more is expected
and i havent exactly achieved much with my lot

im bad at goodbyes
but i guess this will be my one of the few chances i get
well
tml at noon
well abit after noon
i guess it will mark the end of one part of my life and the beginning of another
i just hope i will use the time i find better

hmm
gets one wondering
do people who live during the change of an epoch feel it around them?
do they really grasp the significance of it
or do they feel numb like the way i do now?

well CS Lewis is either a genuis or a bigot
but i guess ive only got the bigot part down

anyways
im not good at nostalgic stuff
so i shouldnt try
just to anyone who matters to me
thanks
i may not have much to offer but still

i dunno
i hope to grow out of my fatalist stage
maybe army will help in that deparment
i just hope well
i can learn to stop running

learn to face my demons
well
ave atque vale
hail and farewell
looks like its over for now

dun cry for me
im no saint evita

haha
but really
thx for being with me,
in i daresay
one of the most enjoyable epochs of my life
may ur endeavours be blessed

down these lonely roads a man must travel

for the first time in a long time
i feel like crying

the unkindest cut of all-comes from somewhere close to the heart
seeing you all cozy....
i guess delusions just feel like shit
u could have at least put it into words
maybe........
ive hated sappy love songs,
now i really detest them............

hurts deep

also realised i cant have breakfast with my sis until the last day
gosh things r just looking suckier by the moment
treasure the people around you
treasure the little time you have
i guess ive learnt that a little too late

such blatant foolishness
i care
i might not show it but i do
and emphathy feels like shit right about now

i wish alot of things
wish i had the guts to say out alot of things
wish i was brave enough to let people know what i really think and feel
but its a little too late now

can only hope that things dont change too much
and the few things i still hold on to wont be pried beyond my reach

gosh its over
2 years and now my boyhoods coming to an end
no more acedmia for now
in 2 weeks time
i'll be losing my hair, my pink ic
and much more

freedom
epictetus claimed that only the educated are free
ironic isnt it....
i prefer wad lenin said
"While the State exists, there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State"
seems more realistic

i guess when things draw to an end, a recollection and reflection
often cause one to be washed over in regret
or at least it is with me

i guess i could have done alot different
said more, talked less
hmm
slept less in class too
i guess one thing i regret would be how frivolously i handled people relationships
well so much for the could have beens
i could have been more of a friend

but i guess like the haunting spectre it is,
its all just possibilities, intangables....
time cant go back
and i guess ive lost the oppurtunities i had
and so i deal with it and try to move on

move on to what
i guess inevitably has run its course
and now i find myself without the virtue of choice...

and for someone who thinks he's smart
i find myself foolish and shortchanged,
on the brink of inevitablity
unprepared and inapt

well, in order to break the archetype that this is a sad blog,
i have decided to accede to a request to do some lame tag thing
well here goes i guess


Layer ONE : On the Outside
Name : Jeremy Quek
Birth Date : 01 June 1988
Current Status : eh passive? single? pes BP? dun noe wad they asking for
Eye color : brown(i'm colour blind so i might be wrong)
Hair Color: black
Righty or Lefty : righty
Zodiac Sign : gemini....... not dragon lah, its not the cheena one
(interesting really, cos gemini is the sign of the twin-double mindedness)

Layer TWO : On the inside
Your Heritage: chinese(dont see how that happened)
Your Fears : change, vulnerability
Your Weaknesses : lack of motivation, pessimistic, fearful, uncommitted
Your Perfect Pizza : portabello mushrooms, mozerella cheese,cheddar cheese, proscuito ham, and smoked chicken on a thin crispy oven baked crust... no tomato base..., a sweet basil and honey mustard sause as a base instead...


Layer THREE : Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your thoughts first waking up : need more sleep
Your Bedtime : flexible.. 10plus to 2
Your most missed memory : dun really have any, not a nostalgic person, but if any, it was the super soaker wars


Layer FOUR : Your Pick- i think this part is seriously limited
Pepsi or Coke : coke
McDonald's or Burger King : carls jr. lol
Adidas or Nike: adidas- nike dun make all blacks jerseys
Lipton tea or Nestea: coffee
Chocolate or vanilla: strawberry
Cappuccino or coffee: quad expresso americano


Layer FIVE : Do you
Smoke : during exams?
Curse : eh i noe some wiccan incantations.....
lol hmm sometimes i guess, though barely in front of others


Layer SIX : In the Past Month
Drank alcohol: yeah whooh
Gone to the mall: yes
Been on stage: nope
Eaten sushi: too much sushi buffets
Dyed your hair: wanted to dye blue but i guess no time


Layer SEVEN: Have You Ever?
Played a stripping game: no
Changed who you were to fit in: when i was younger more rash and more stupid(yes there was a time)


Layer EIGHT
Age you're hoping to be married : dun even noe if i want to get married in the first place..... hahah the call of paul lol


Layer NINE: In a Girl/Guy.
Best eye colour: hazel(only seen it in book covers and on tv)
Best hair colour: red
Short or long hair: red looks better long


Layer TEN: What Were You Doing.
1 minute ago : pokemon sapphire lol
1 hour ago : this thing gosh its long
4.5 hours ago : eating
1 month ago : eating... haha no lah hmm, mugging?
1 year ago : playing too much com, shopping for christmas, preparing for xmas event in church


Layer ELEVEN : Finish The Sentence
I love: God, food, lol, dark comics
I feel: numb, foreboding, sian.... wad to do 2 weeks left
I hate: exams, the SAF, most institutions, many people
I hide: almost everything... feelings, propensities.....etc
I miss: better times
I need: a quad expresso

Layer TWELVE : Tag 5 people
im not that evil

i havent blogged in a long time
well they say absence makes the heart grow fonder....
ahaha
so there's my excuse
not that it would make anyone fond of what i have to say but well
everything needs a reason/excuse
so....

maybe having my enlistment looming has made me somewhat of a fatalist
havent blogged because well
i havent done alot of things i should be doing because i do not see the point
i dun noe
nothing seems to really be worth it right now

hai

well, i dont noe about abscence but ive realised that familiarity really does breed contempt
a closer look lets you see all thats ugly
you say one thing, but everyone knows otherwise
your masked smile and painted face has lost its appeal,
the worlds unfair, get used to it
grow up stop asking why and get on
sympathy is old, pity is cruel, your act is tiresome


so why dont i smile?
no it isnt a game,
besides i dun have a honey to smile for

haha
but really
fatalism
why smile, when it doesnt make things better?
sure there's all that crap about peace, hope, love and a positive outlook
if you ask me
its overated
id rather frown when im hurting inside
i dun need to pretend in order make myself feel secure
im ok being the loser, being the loner
being God-knows-whatelse
i smile when im happy
and im not happy alot
its just me and my moods
like a man once said, 'whoever said its easier to smile hasnt met me'
'its just my face muscles, i find it easier to frown'

so there
give me something i find worth smiling for
and i'll smile for you
maybe for some, i'll smile anyways....
but thats another story


u toss your hair, and bat your eyelids,
you glaze your voice and pretend to care,
but ive grown weary of your game
lady babylon will draw you in then eat your heart....

yeah, im selfish, im pig headed
so

maybe i just want to disconnect myself from everything
so it wont hurt so much when its taken from me
like they say, nothing torments like hope
i dun want to have things to cry about on that day
because im scared of crying

yeah

when am i going to stop running?

i shall sacrifice some of my tme to blog
how benevolent of me
heehee
a sign of old age i bet
as a friend of mine claims
well
here's to old age

hmm
recently ive discovered the joy of going to kbox
or in more proper english, going to sing karaoke

never thought much of it till my first time i guess
maybe had something to do with the fact that its mostly a chinese activity

but i guess the idea of pouring out your sorrows over someone elses song works
someone asked me: "why do you sing if you're not heartbroken?"
well
i dun really know how to answer that question

anyways i guess i blog also to respond to some of the people around me
to the girl at the lake:
looks like A and D are getting along huh
animals dun all get along thats why they compartmentalize them in the zoo
they dun choose one over the other,
they just know that each animal has its place

to lady babylon
i guess i was asking for it
you're probably tired of how things went down
probably seen it too much,
well
i just hope that its not too distasteful for you
youve been a milestone in my life
dun let anyone steal your joy

to the girl on a hill
im sorry the way things went down
i had no idea what he was doing
and now that i do, im really sorry i didnt do anything
and that i was so ignorant
i cant apologize on his behalf but well
it is true that history has a hold on us
some more strongly than others
have confidence in yourself
i guess its a pity how fast new and fresh things get soured
and i understand your new found aversion
hmm
just dun let it affect you too much, especially in this crucial time

to the favoured one
thank you for all your notes
you are probably the only one to lavish such a courtesy upon me
and im honoured
well
what could i possibly say to you
you're special to everyone
and i guess grace is recieving what we could not hope to recieve
and in this case, your friendship

to the sage
well its been fun talking you
and i guess
well
as u so kindly put it
"im your first boy"
haha
sounds wrong lifting it out of context
but yeah
uve been patient
or at least as patient as you can be
hehe
so ave atque vale

to my doppelganger
i know how the past has hurt
and yeah
people have hurt
but learn to have tact
all is not lost
not yet anyways
so please try

to little lotte
i got your letter,
and i guess it touched me deep
i dun noe how to respond
but i guess i can say im glad for your care
and im glad you understand abit
i just cant bear to hurt you
dun become a nienor

the bubbles gotta burst
sooner or later somethings gotta give

feelin kinda moody and depressed
gosh
somethings wrong with me recently
cant stand looking at books
even though i guess i ought to start real soon
hmm
how does the gov expect us to do our best if they gonna give us nothing to look forward to?

anyways

hmm
been slacking off real badly
installed some old games
the kind where u conquer the world and wipe the floor with the com AI
haha
theraputic
hmm
only thing stopping me from lashing out at everything stupid going on around me
gosh

i need to go out for a drink soon
going bonkers

do you even know,
do you even percieve the nightmares
do you see the wide eyed fears?

teach me to love and not count the cost

hai, well ive graduated
and ive gotten my enlistment letter,
for those who want to noe the date
ask me personally for it

gah
strange really
the numbness that sets in even on the brink of such a huge change
my dad is like going bonkers over it asking me if im prepared

i honestly dun noe
dun really care either
dun really have anything to look forward to i guess
kinda drifting
maybe i'll become a hobo in the future

hmm

well
three times and the rooster crows
three times and i turn my head to weep

You're the one who set it up
now you're the one to make it stop
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget
every little thing you said
but there is something left in my head

But I'm not the man your heart is missing
That's why you go away I know

Wish that I could cry Fall upon my knees
well im no hero thats true
but well
i guess im trying to learn that its alright to cry

We need never be ashamed of our tears.
-Great Expectations

it may not be my mantra but well
i guess the stuff inside has to come out one way or another
for us introverts, well
we may not pour it all out at the first tipping
but that doesnt mean its not in there
just because it isnt written on our faces and our sleeves,
doesnt make us less human
poker players maybe
but i guess with have to learn to deal with the grief, angst and wrath inside somehow
and i guess they say that laughter and tears are theraputic

but i guess there comes a time when the laughs seem empty
and we must learn to mourn
learn to grief
and be more 'human'

cry, for pains, hurts & shame
cry, for the cruel words, cruel glances, and silent whispers
cry, release those unmet expectations, broken dreams
cry, let loose the inner conflicts and struggles,
cry, for all the wishing thinking, what ifs and could have beens
cry, grief for the state of our depravity
cry, but move on after the tears have dried
cry, mourn awhile for me

well looks like as the government would have it
i wont be around here for long
think of me
think of me kindly
when we say goodbye

im feeling kinda moody again
gosh
my moods been going down the drain recently
i have no idea why
either that or i have some idea but i dun feel like telling

hmm
im glad that u all seem happy
i guess that should make me happy...
of cos numbness is just as well
hmm
i dunno
i really dont

hai
im reminded of a poem
so fair
so sweet
hm
if only reality could be added to
akin james gillmans
that the first vampire
would come and entwine our fates
then i could come to the rescue
but i guess
reality isnt like that

i dun noe wad to say and do
numb the distress?
find an alternative
i have no idea

in other less depressing matters
well
schs out
i guess
i guess i have to thank GOd that i really found and made good friends
strangely moreso as sch came to an end
ppl like jeremy, eeli, hmm yao yong and joelynn
hmm
part of me wishes i got to know u long before
but i guess im already blessed
and who noes
maybe things are best the way they are
i wouldnt noe and i daresnt postulate...


ive decided to change my tagboard
hopefully to one that doesnt screw up so often
hmm
matches the background at least
ahahha

as i said before
i like black because its slimming
hahaha

its hurts
to get rejected
i nvr knew the unkindest cut could ever be so sweet and unassuming
but as caesar mouthed: et tu brute
i opened up dropped my guard
and got hurt
where i go from here i dun noe
maybe this is all in my mind
but im good at getting messages
i guess its all wishful thinking
that bright eyed aversion hurt bad
i told myself years ago it wasnt to be
i guess i was right then
i just wish
i dunno
i just wish we all could win
but i guess somethings arent to be

All they who live in the upper sky, Do love you

Her face resigned to bliss or bale--
Her face, oh call it fair not pale,
And both blue eyes more bright than clear.
Each about to have a tear.

With open eyes (ah, woe is me !)
Asleep, and dreaming fearfully,
Fearfully dreaming, yet, I wis,
Dreaming that alone, which is-
-O sorrow and shame !

i will not make the same mistake as Sir Leoline

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. -Marianne Williamson

i recent added this quote to the bottom of my blog...

strange really
it isnt a fear i identify with well
but i guess it holds a kind of truth
that we fear the light more than darkness

while, we detest darkness
we embrace it
for we know its limits... we are familiar to it(sadly)
its an old friend whom we hold in contempt but refuse to let go

meanwhile,
we claim to love the light
but we are afraid to step out into it
for fear of what it may reveal to us about ourselves and the world around us
that when we finally see...

we fear it for its potential
for wad it may become
and wad it may demand of us
for that which we long to lose, yet hate to let go
for wad it may make us

now i guess, i kinda understand this fear
the fear of joy, that we may actually become something more than pathetic
something stronger than weak
something more joyful than miserable...
that somewhere in someones eyes,
we may actually have worth....

nothing is more painful i guess
than watching ourselves struggle against joy...

its no wonder the book this quote is taken from is named return to love

dare we?

modified my template a little ytd, added a clock amongst other things
ive changed the links too

hmm, well, if i missed out anybody,
too bad
boo hoo
well ur not exactly paying me for advertisiing
so
hmm
unless i get some money wired into my bank account
dun even think of raising the issue with me

as you can figure,
im not exactly in the best of moods now

anyways,
found out how to make good guacamole sauce
lol

dunno
maybe just feeling withdrawal symptoms at the thought that school is gonna be out real soon
too soon.....

spent the day with jeremy at momos house
lol
i love it that someone else has the same name...
makes for a great time confusing others

anyways
well
im beginning to realise that ive made some really good, strong, steadfast friends in jc
and well
gotten to really noe some old friends better

i guess being vulnerable to others isnt such a bane
i guess with the defenses down, i begin to appreciate and enjoy the people around me
if only it was that easy in every social circle...

maybe u misunderstood me
never mind, it doesnt matter now
its cool, the way things are...
i dun intend to make more of it...
i thank you for being patient and more than kind with me
it has been wonderful
you're really great, i wish u all the joy and happiness that God can give...
thanks, i dun want to things to turn sour, nor do i want to destroy a good thing
please understand my aversion and hesitation...
im just i guess, not a better man

in other news, im joining back sound crew part time
now that ive found my feet and faith again...
well
i guess serve, even if its in a limited capacity
after all, ive been so blessed

ive changed the music on my blog again
its now Oh My God by Jars of clay
and no, im not swearing

hmm
well
lets see,
maybe i should do a simple cd review

well people, Jars has come up with a new album
Good Monsters

weird name, weird sounds

well for those of you living under a rock
jars of clay has been one of the most influential band in the christian music scene

ever since their debut album, they have had their fair share of fans and casual observers
many regard the 1995 self-titled album their best
but that view made without intimate knowledge
the truth is that their style has evolved much,
their lyrical poetry matured much
my personal favourite albums are
jars of clay
much afraid
who we are instead

hmm
when i first bought Good monsters
i had much expectations
being an avid jars fan

on my first perusal
i must admit my intial disappointment
the hooks and riffs werent bad but they didnt seem brilliant
and the lyrics didnt give an initial impression

i complained to a good friend of mine, also a jars fan
and he smartly retorted,
well its jars
it takes time to grow on you

and grow on me it did....
simple words, but carefully chosen
written not our of imagination or ambition, but out of experience
hooks laden, but not colourful enough to steal the limelight from the message

a subtle album,
and as usual, all complex beauty lies in subtility....

anyways, we're all good monsters,
by nature bad but endeavouring anyways

and for me, maybe still more monster than good....
but yeah, the best marriages are the enduring ones, in my opinion,
and jars will always be to me, the best marriage of beautiful words to beautiful music

moonshine

cant find the words to say,
scared as shit
never knew i could feel this way

wish i was braver,
wish i had more to give you

but i wont pretend to be what im not

wish i was able to say i love you
but im not that sure

hell, im not that sure of anything anymore
im just scared,
that i may jade and tarnish
that light which you bring to my life

just keep shining for me
even if my own light goes out

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine
you make me happy
when skies are grey
you'll never know dear
how much I love you
please don't take my sunshine away

finally got like 2 years of wasted time figured out
so my dark and ominous foe

inside my head
fear of vulnerablity, hate of people
pride

gosh

so distastedful, i subconsciously avert it
and to what cost
so much time lost

maybe i took the godfather trilogy too seriously
maybe im just scared of hurts

well,
how do i go against years of ingrained algorithms...
hhmm
irony isnt it,
how sometimes, cowardice and arrogance form such a potent mix

well i'll try
i wont pour out the receses of my heart,
but i'll try

hmm
i guess someone has found a way past the defences..
but im scared to explore that option
just scared
in the pursuit of more, we might lose what we have already
is the cost of living
or is regret of 'could have beens' worse?
i dun really wad comes next

well
ive gotten back my prelim results
a couple of disappointments
2 bs
hmm
anyways
well let see, i usually dun like t0 post about my mundane life, but ive gotten a pair of black thick plastic specs
lol
i think i look more like a doofus now...
lol
well
id just like to take this oppurtunity to extend my thanks
to all the people who have taken it to celebrate my bdae 3 months belated
i might not break out in tears but im touched
seriously
and i love the pic, now ive just got to figure out a way to immortalize it

disappointment
so i guess i deserve every drop of this bitter gall

never realised how important conviction was
but now when im struggling with mine....

i vaguely rmbr an article i read on friendship in sec sch
well
rmbring something read 4/5 years ago,
i guess it must have made lots of sense then

it went something like:
at the initial stages of frienship, there is a hight frequency of activities and things done together
but as the frienship ages/matures
the frequency of the activities decreases while the intensity, and meaning of the activites increase,
there is a decrease in time spent together, but the time spent together is of higher quality..

and i guess its true
that while often frienships dun last
those that do suprisingly need little work and little time
but when good friends meet up,
the clock seems to tick backwards
and we can be laughing and being a public nuisance like the little bastardy sas sch boys we once were

as you said,
we may not have many friends
many acquantances
but not many friends
honestly i prefer it that way
less stress
lol
ppl are hard work

heres to finally realising how much i need you
and here's me being afraid to admit it
lost and empty i want you back
but im much too proud to apologize
and im falling to pieces from the inside

so im the ultimate scumbag,
unfeeling, insensitive
whats new

the questions i ignore and avoid,
i choose not to hear or answer
but really, could i give you an answer?
heh
ive got nothing to give,
nothing that i could offer could interest you
worlds apart
really
and im sitting here in my monochrome,
in my sad parody, where everyone's a clown
wishing to be part of your world

here is a catalogue of the ccm cds i have
i decided to post it here to save the trouble of sending to diff ppl

abe laboriel and friends(jazz)

avalon
- the creed
-stand

building 429(rock)
-space in between us
-rise

casting crowns
-casting crowns
-lifesong

chris tomlin
-not to us
-arriving
-live from austin hall

CFNI(worship)
-overtaken
-upside down

David Crowder Band
-a collision
-illuminate
-the lime cd
-can you hear us

day of fire(old school rock=p)
-day of fire
-cut and move

dc talk
-free at last
-intermission

deliriou5
-cutting edge 1 to 4
-glo
-king of fools
- mezzamorphis
-touch
-world service

desperation band(church groups)
-who you are

downhere(indie)
- wide eyed and mystified

gateway(church worship group)
-living for you

hillsong
-God He reigns
-more than life
-mighty to save
- united we stand

Jars of clay(need i say more)
- if we left the zoo
- much afraid
-eleventh hour
-futhermore
-redemption songs
- who we are instead

josh groban
-closer

joy williams
-genesis

krystal meyers(rock chic- ala avril)
-krystal meyers

kutless(rock- good stuff)
-kutless
-sea of faces
-strong tower
-hearts of the innocent

lifehouse(good stuff- pretty acoustic alternative rock)
-no name face
-stanely climbfall
-lifehouse

matt redman
-facedown

mercy me
-undone
-spoken for
-almost there
-coming up to breathe

micheal gongor(vertical music)
-worship from the frontlines

needtobreathe
-daylight

parousia(local band)
-parousia
-exchange

paul baloche
- a greater song

philip craig and dean
-the ultimate collection

planetshakers
-all that i want
-always and forever
-evermore
-arise
-pickitup

rebecca st james(less rock rock chic)
- if i had one chance to tell u something

seven glory(indie)
-over the rooftops

shane & shane(beautiful accoustic)
-clean
-an evening with shane and shane

shawn macdonald(accoustic)
-ripen
-simply nothing

steven c. chapman
-all about love
-all things new

switchfoot
-learning to breathe
-new way to be human
-the legend of chin

third day
-livewire
-whereever you are

youth alive(church group- with alot of edge and drive)
-elevate
-shout your glory

compilatiosn
-in the name of love-artist united for africa(many famous artists jars of clay tait starfield pillar grits....
-veggie rocks
-the passion of the christ songs
-soul survivor 2005
-music inspired by the chronicles of narnia
-passion 05-how great is our God
-passion 06- everything glorious

well
recommendations
er
lyrical poetry-lifehouse, jarsof clay
rock hook- kutless, building 429, day of fire-heavier rock
worship- hmm i like planetshakers youth alive gateway and desperation band
chris tomlin- not to us is also classic as well as shane and shane if u like nice vocals +accoustic

got some jason upton stuff if ur into hearing prophetic worship on a cd

well
im in a generally more pleasant mood, so i think this is a good time to blog

i found what was missing
well maybe i just wasnt lookin in the right places
or refused to look where it could be found
anyways well
i guess one void has been filled
and much doubts have dispelled
but where does that leave me now?

finding my feet i guess
well
we'll see
thank God for the work He does anyway

id just like to make a statement in faith
im gonna lay down wadevas been running thru my head
and whoevers been running thru my head
ahahaha
dun ask

anyway
hopefully one seasons over
and a more fruitful one will start
i pray

hmm
sometimes the world just seems off its spin
sometimes we're just not tilting our heads right

life can be sad
but well
we're not called to be sad clowns
so after this elegy, i guess
we go on with life
bearing thru the pain holding on to hope, faith and charity
aiming for a better place i guess
i guess
well cheers

with so many ppl in nostalgic moods,
i guess i should post something on the times past

truth is i guess im not the best person at looking back
im too detached...
not able to feel sentimental
nor able to mourn properly

all i know is good times are nearly over
and i guess im gonna miss them
honestly
the last year or so has been fondest to me

its like the words of my fav chinese song
those times have gone,
we're no longer friends
the words spoken
the times we shared
the good feelings
the suffering together

but what are we to expect?
to hold on to a strand of time and space forever?
time passes
life passes
we return to dust
do we actually gain anything or take anything with us
even memories fade
hopefully we count for something

if we never meet again after this
think of me kindly please
i know ive been mean and evil
obnoxious and hurtful
but yeah
think of me a little more kindly than that

guess my bad mood's been obvious,
still, i guess its nice to know that people notice
or isit because im too blatant....
hmmmmm

anyways
prelims half thru
must say,
hmm
some papers were abit tougher than expected
guess ive slacked off too much
time to get down and really mug

recently i've had the pleasant oppurtunity to get together and chat with some people i normally wouldnt have the oppurtunity to interact with
i guess ive been really blessed with nice people around me
i just wish sometimes it was easier for me to be appreciative and to have a more cheerful disposition

to all those around me who might be wary of my mood
dont worry, 90% of u arent responsible for my mood
lol
dun worry
i wont bite
i might have a sharp tongue
but well
stick and stone's break bones
i'll try to be nice k

but got some stuff on my mind

a look from you, and im no longer sure
where do i go from here
so many places id rather be
yet part of me just refuses to budge
all the fear that holds me back
all the disdain that averts me from stepping forward
the pride that breaks me and cast me unto the rocks
i need a breakthru
i need Your touch


well i guess i'll try my best to at least smile
hehe
no need to sing me a song
lol
it might not be me, but im not yet in a state where i just cant smile
hopefully i'll nvr reach there

and about the church changing issue
well
i dun noe
i shall see how things progress
most of the time the problems internal
i know that
but yeah
we'll see how the wind blows

mugging hard now
prelims in 3 days...
so what am i doing online blogging?

well everyone needs a break
and i think i need to let off some steam

my people problems and lack of patience seem to pop up during examination times

well
maybe i do enjoy the sedentary lifestyle of just having to study and being free of many other obligations and regulations

but having to stare at books just isnt my thing
and i think i'll never be a teacher
because it just needs so much patience...
i mean,
i do enjoy helping people
especially when they are appreciative and co-operative
and well are quite pleasant i guess
i just cant stand some people's attitude......


enough of that i guess
i have been feeling a great amount of uncomfortability and distress recently
wont dwell on it too much here because, yeah
gotta hit the books

its just that
something doesnt feel right anymore
hai

so much fear
dont dare to take the next step
dun dare to hope, to dream, to try...
to give you up, i hesitate
but i never deserved you in the first place
just learning to let go i guess...
to resign myself to hear you breathing while i sit outside heavens doors.....

Breathing
by Lifehouse
album: No Name Face (2000)

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to
Sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah...
Where I wanna be...

I am looking past the shadows
In my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one is you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be, yeah...

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me, waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off of your table to the ground
La Da Da La Da Da Da Da Da
'Cause I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you're sayin'
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I wanna be, yeah...(x2)

Where I wanna be...
Where I wanna be...

simon - lifehouse

Catch your breath hit the wall
Scream out loud as you start to crawl
Back in your cage the only place
Where they will leave you alone

Cause the weak will seek the weaker
Til they've broken them
Could you get it back again
Would it be the same

Fulfillment to their lack of strength
At your expense
Left you with no defense
They tore it down

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

Locked inside the only place
Where you feel sheltered where you feel safe
You lost yourself in your search
To find something else to hide behind

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence
Did they see the consequence they pushed you around
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
Breaking them til they've become just another crown

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

Refuse to feel, anything at all
Refuse to slip, refuse to fall
Can't be weak, can't stand still
You watch your back cause no one will

You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars for your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Not one word was true

You're alright
You're alright
You're alright

And I have felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same as you
I've felt the same

let me come up with an explanation as to why this blog has seemingly abandoned
hmm
well
lets see
the times i feel like blogging are rare
and so are the times i have stuff to blog about
and that is compounded by the time i have to blog(since prelims are coming)
therefore, as all good math students will realise,
a small number cubed results in no significant value
lol

haha
maybe been mugging abit too hard

nah
cant be

anyways
recently i have to admit ive been rather moody
im one of the few guys i noe who has mood swings
will be high in the afternoon
and super irritable in the evening

been contemplating over an important issue
for those who dun noe
ive stepped down from active ministry
and have been considering a change in church

hai

its not so simple
but i guess things never are
and yet
i guess much of the complexity comes from us

well
im not blogging abt church or the prospective churches im considerign
its actually a bad time for this i guess with exams so near
i probably dun have time to look around

you dun know the way i feel
you dun see the tears i shed,
or how i harden myself everytime i shatter
the fear that plagues my dreams
and the thoughts i struggle with
you accept what you see,
and while i wish you looked deeper,
i guess the first glimpse does hold some truth
hope
its essential for survival
but i dare not hold any

pulling together my shattered pieces
i fear you
for u make me crumble
and wish for tt which i darenst not hold onto

to breathe you in and let go
maybe i should

if i was stronger
if i was braver
if were able to be worthy
maybe
just maybe
but well

im just too scared
and too inapt

God of the small things

CMW this year was done on alot smaller scale
hmm
well
i mean at least the j1s didnt have to run around and get burnt out just as they step up

haha

but really
i thank God for the work He does,
and yeah sometimes we need to do less and let Him do more

as much as we should try and own the events and make the tbest that we can manage,
at least from our standing
sometimes
well less is more
after a fashion
especially when our meddling gets us no where


i was really encouraged by the willingness of the J1s, to take the menial tasks,
to stay back late just to finish door gifts...
as much as it seems like trivial tasks

sometimes i think those are the activities we look back most fondly at
the late nights spent painting,
the late practices
the cutting pasting painting and glueing
Samuel Sim once told me once while we laboured to paint photo framse
that the times he was fond of was the times spent labouring together
and i guess there is a truth in the statement,
that the best bond is sometimes forged through the mundane...

i would really like to commend the j1s for their excellent spirit and willingness
haha
repeating myself
well
reminds me of a time a year ago
CMW rehersals
and all the log ppl who were supposed to turn up bailed on me
i still thank God and really my heart still goes out to the j2s who sacrificed their study time to help me move potted plants and clear the stage and set stuff up

they really taught me what being a senior means
and well
even though im the unsentimental and unfeeling one,
i guess i have to try my best to emulate their example...

and so i guess its true, that contentment is found in the now, in living life,
not vicariously
but fully
doing what we can, the mundane the menial

ambition is important
yes
but i guess
ive never really aimed that high

i guess sometimes we must try to excel in the little things first....

may we all learn to live and look back
and be in astounded by the fact that as much as we havent done,
we have no regrets

nienor

Grace moves me, deeply
unsettling my deepest recesses,
to have favour smile on me,
oh the world i would not give

to pine for your touch,
your tender embrace
sweet serenity,
i shall never know

straining each day
to hear your voice
inaudible whispers,
oh the root of samuel
inspire me to soar

yet you hurt me so
fanning into flames
a desire for the inconcievable, the unattainable.

for mortals to gaze upon the hills of valinor,
to hold the silmarils albeit for a moment,
only doom awaits
and we are left lost along the shores
left to wander in regret

luthien luthien
ill-fate indeed
for evein if we meet in the halls of mandos,
im not brave,
just a man by doom mastered.

hope cuts me deep,
making me ill-content and wanting
dare i trust in the wind
or will grace leave me chaff...

i call out your name
for it remains constant
in my topsy turvy world

crazed intoxication

feeling moody and confused
oh cruel grace
to give a man hope
now im tearing away from the inside
so im not beyond it
argh

giving me a piece of you
now my puzzles messed up

sfc handing over ceremony was really interesting
only one person cried
dang
now i lost a bet

finally realising how cold and thoughtless ive been
wish i could go back and change things
but ive sown
and failed to sow
now to reap the fruits of barreness

did i really think it would turn out alright?
holding on so tight to my own delusions

its like a bad victorian tragedy
laughter turns to tears
it must be a jest, a theatre run by fools.

trying hard to love
but argh
i can tolerate people who are unassuming.

every rose has thorns
and ive drawn back my hand far too many times

scars run deep,
some wounds are still fresh,

scared of pain
scared of misplaced hopes

so where do i go from here?

gosh
i hate you
i try to believe that
but i just cant
and i cant let go

cant i just fly away?
cant i just sober up to a different reality
where reality doesnt cut so bad?

so i am an elitist
fine
i will admit to so much
and i will stop there

oppurtunity cost

a friend of mine who shares the same name as me informed me recently that in the true spirit of econs, he dropped econs because of its oppurtunity cost was too high, and there was unlimited demands on his time

well
a conclusion i came to recently is that most(no at all sadly) jeremy's are brilliant
hee

well
my proof is simple
parents must be pretty smart to name their sons jeremy, which by the way is a brilliant choice of name
thus if the gene lottery goes well enough
more often than not, the child should end up inheriting intelligence
wahahhahaahha

but seriously
it got me thinking of alot of things
mainly the value of our actions

sometimes i do wonder what if
what if i had not come to sajc
wad if id chosen a different cca
some of the what ifs are scary and i refuse to note them down here

but i guess the counting the cost is a major part of life
and im glad to say while there were many bad decisions
i dont really have regrets for my actions over the past year
i met alot of people, good people who im glad to call my friends
ive also learnt a whole lot which i wouldnt give away

i guess the only regret i have is not doing more
not living more
not being more effective

recently some social interactions have left me perturbed
maybe its not gossip to talk about other ppl
but hmm
do i find him obnoxious
honestly abit
or maybe more than abit
but then again
i find myself obnoxious
haha
maybe thats why i choose to spend time with him
even though he isnt my favourite person on the planet
and i noe what its like to feel alone
and well
if he really is all that bad than i guess more than others he needs God rite?
i guess learning to love includes learning to love those who are hard to love

well
God did
for me

anyways
just want to blog on a single incident that really moved me
the farewell party for the j2s
hmm
i noe feet-washing can become a ritual
but yeah
it was an interesting experience
getting to wash my juniors feet
was well as some ppl suprising me by insisting on washing mine
im not really sure which is more humbling
having to wash someones feet or having to watch people u respect humble themselves
ah well
God bless the j1s in their future endeavours
may God's protection guidance and special favour be with them
may they count the cost and find it worthwhile

what i would give to take the disappointment from your eyes
to be your hero once again
by the die has been cast
and all i can do is regret and walk on....


i like eric not because of his genius but because he sees love as one on the outside staring in
never to taste it for himself

havent enjoying talking in such a long while
at least some of my conversations today werent disappointments

hmm
tot alot of things through
honestly
i guess it took me 2 long years to learn a lesson

at least its not 40
but other than that ive nothing much to show for it
at least by my own standards
ive been thinking of what it means to leave a legacy
but then im probably not qualified to talk abt that
so i shant
i shall just say
that sometimes,
what we really want
is that which we think we despise
and sometimes
what we need
is what we have bred ourselves to hate
what excitement
whee

its been some time now
feeling kinda laid back
well
im usually kinda of laid back so i guess its deja vu

hmm
what to say now since im online
i usually have lots to say when im mulling about on the bus or in front of a book
but when i on the com
most of it disappears

lets start by saying that i think a name which declares God as our light is beautiful
well chosen

names mean alot
mine means that God has uplifted
i probably havent lived up to it cos im not really walking on cloud nine now
but what does it mean to have YAHWEH lift us up?

maybe ive not learnt to surrender enough
to be broken
may we all learn this virtue without having to be cast down

many things have gone on since i last blogged
for one bT2 results are out
i did quite ok
except for physics -b and gp -b4
hai
maybe i should work harder
maybe

im tired of getting distracted
i dunno but something just gnaws away at me from the inside
knowing that we're supposed were supposed to do so much more
but yet
yet

maybe im losing it
maybe im lost

help me to be found again
found by love and grace

BT2 is over
Wow
Amazing
i barely studied for it at all
hope i dun do too badly
but i thank God for these couple of days to catch my breath

went for the FIRE conference
must say,
blew my mind
i havent danced in God's presence for so long
too long

stabbing close to my heart
so yeah
maybe i have been holding on to the past and refusing to learn to accept the changes God brings
may i not end up burrying my talent in the ground

so maybe ive lived in apathy for too long
let my faith become a thing of comfort and not of action
anyways
i guess its time for a change
if only i knew exactly what to do

I must admit
maybe im biased towards German preachers

reminds me of a good joke:

1 british man-a fool
2 british men-a social club
3 british men- an empire

1 german man- a brilliant man
2 german men- a political party
3 german men- a war

hahahahahha
quoted from the movie Nuremburg

may i learn to lose my dignity for God's sake

i thought i knew you all along
you're so much more
and i find myself falling for you..... again

oh God,
wont you just draw me back
a heart hardened by habit
a mind closed by training
if only you would come along and set things right again
and tear my world apart

come melt the apathy
come and blow my mind
im not afraid of fire anymore
come burn...... deep

deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfall,
all your waves and breakers have swept over me

come overwhelm me again
leave me in awe and wonder
break me
make me
consume me

hai
gosh
finally im off the hook and not on roster
and when i should be happy
i miss touching the sound console board...

i think the preacher was right
we are identified by what we do
and i guess im too used to being the sound guy

actually i love that vocation
hai
but i guess its for the better, that i take a step back
guess if i really want to serve in that capactiy,
i should integrate myself deeply in church first

truth is,
i dont want to be the source of a double standard,
id rather not serve, than serve while breaking ministry rules...

i dun noe, recently, well i guess times have really changed much
never knew i was capable of disappointing people that much
never thought of myself as anyones hero
but i guess i was at a point to some people
so how does superman feel when he lets people down?

i dun noe
but im no stalin
and i guess i realise how much i messed up
well

some people think ive got it all together
but truth is, i just am clearer on how far things are apart....

i guess im being drawn
by truth
and your character
just
hai
sometimes i wish i wasnt the way i was
but i guess i dun have time for that comfort
just well do what i can do to the best of my abilities, and hope
ahha

i never wanted to hurt you
i never wanted to let u fall
but i guess i have
and im sorry
you dont noe how much i hurt inside

shocked
i'll nvr get over how you threw your life away...
so what now?
i have no idea

i shall start by defending myself
i have nothing against short people
i just enjoy teasing short people
behind the mask i wear i actually admire them alot
i mean it must take alot courage to survive in a world that appears bigger right?
wahahahahah

anyways
been chatting with a friend about matters of the heart
and the conclusion ive come to,
actually the conclusion ive held all along
that it is better to suffer in silence than make things awkward
there is only so much ur heart can pine
but involving the whole world opens up a bigger world of hurt
a big big world
trust me i know
and ive hurt before
and suddenly im feeling small again

hmm
anyways
ive realised that aloy has been right all along
beer sucks
lol

people have been right
ive never really been ambitious
ive never really wanted something and chased after that
i can achieve much
but i cant really be bothered
will sloth be my bane?
there isnt much i want
and that which i really want
im not even chasing
but i dun dare
cos
i might hurt if i try
maybe
argh
well
i think im gonna start
i want.......
i want You
and if you havent been reading enough, i save the capital references for the divine

and of course other things... but im not saying more

i shall attempt to start off this post with something lighthearted and lightheaded
but first a disclaimer,
i dont intend to make this blog a lighthearted....
its not in my nature and yeah
even the perpetual optimists blog seems darker at times
much less mine
so if u want a a read which will make the world seem like a loving cuddly place,
go find some bimbos blog
i can recommend a few
lol

dang
the attempt of writing something nice takes too much out of me
anyways
i realised that some people think they can figure out the psyche of a person by reading their blogs
personally i think that thought is just dumb
the nature of the exhibitionist is to display that which he wants to display(meaning that you read what i want you to read therefore what i deem i want you to know)
either the blogger is a bafoon
and uses it as a journal
or the reader is a bafoon and thinks he is reading a journal
nuff said

hmm
on a side note
i think God doesnt want me to drink
im one of the few unlucky people who get a rash everytime they down too much alcohol
ive not even gotten drunk but ive half itched to death
argh

anyways on to what i really want to write about
as of late of have been seriously disturbed by the the depth of some people
or rather their lack of depth
simpleness is good and fine
i mean
there are simple people out there who amaze me with the directness and yet profoundness of their thoughts and actions
but then again
not everyone is that mature

what i find really disturbing is when simpleness manifests itself as shallowness
the inability to read behind the surface and find something at the depth and core
how people relate to each other on such a sickening outer layer that we never see behind the masks

maybe im thinking too much
and fretting over the picayune
but is it too much to ask for people to try and relate beyond the outside

sick double standards,
incosiderate
unthinking
trivial

im tired
im fed up
but in what place am i to do anything
oh have around me people who have a brain

ok maybe im wrong
maybe its not because you dont try
maybe its because ur unable to in the first place
but if thats the case
i dun noe which is more pathetic
both possibilities are just sad

anyways
ive been thinking of what to say when i meet someone who promised a meal with me
hmm
hmm
as much i want to stroke my ego by insisting ive been right
i havent
and ive learnt that the hard way
you cant just walk away from church
you definitely cant walk away from the straight and narrow

and maybe my outlook might have been more flawed than that
i admit that much
still it will make good meal conversation

the important thing
have i really learnt
have i really grown
because from what i see
im not that much more mature or caring
older yes

and i havent really moved that far from square one
still weak
still feeble
still fickle
still inconsistant
still scared
still confused
still walking in circles
still a hypocrite
oh to seize the prize

how i wish
i wish many things
and many things not so great
to win some hearts
to lose some flab
but i guess part of me wishes i could go back and do things different
regret
oh poor pity party, guilt and regret
well
suck thumb and go on
well i guess one wish i still have is that my heart would be drawn again
more than that crazed intoxication
but rather by an unbending, harsh ominous will,
that unsatiable fire that so desires to perfect me at any cost
do i fear the flame

ive asked myself that many times
but recently
ive been able to say
no

come
come consume me
burn me up
break me bring me low
but draw whats left close
oh to lie broken in ur bosom
if only
if only i knew how
but i guess i dont
i just need to trust
so trust i must
even if im the persistent pessimist

camps over

so at last its over
tears sweat late nights...
just hope it was great and memorable
not just lip service

learnt so much,
just hope it runs deep enough
i dont want to have to go through it so many times.....

finally finding my feet again
it took long enough
strange, the things that sober you

realising how human i still am
vulnerable as ever
new dilemmas
to eat the cake or have it

but what if im just deluding myself
and all in it for me is pain?

fear
fear that grips our hearts
is it better to try and hurt
or never to try?

all i know is that i must learn to be grounded
somehow

well
this has been the most memorable bdae so far
can only think of one other time
thanks to all the people who made it special
really
i dun feel much but it meant alot to me
alot
hai
just wish i had a better grasp of myself
if only i could possibly ....
well

heres to me knowing myself
at least my weaknesses
so what are my strengths?
not that it matters
so what does mater?
at least some things finally do

so i shall sign off now
hope it wont be too long till next time
if im stil alive
happy bdae to me

ah, finally a brief respite......
some people love the life of hassle, of things to do and places to go
i prefer to just sit in some comfortable place and let life pass by
but enough about my lacksidasical fantatsies.....

fear of the consequences of fire......
it took no paltry amount of time or effort to come to terms

i am afraid of fire,
of that merciless consuming blaze,

to be held in omnipotent hands,
bent on perfection

why do i fear so much?
because im holding on too tight?

how to learn to let go and trust.....
to trust.......

honestly i want to blog more regularly
but i barely have time for the necessities
and yeah
there is so much i would like to pen down
but this isnt the place,
too many roving eyes.....
and usually by the time my sis is done with the com at home,
and i take my bath and sit in front of the com

the initial angst/inspiration is gone
and im blogging on an empty tank
and usually there is no point writing something i dun feel convicted about at that point

anyways yeah
so here i am,
driven by morbid boredom to blog
in a place that is unfamiliar to me
even the keyboard feels wierd

maybe i was asking for it
choosing to be laconic, and distant
so now im detached
albeit abit undesired at this point but
hmm

am i doomed to wonder 40 years for disobediance?

am i that rouge?

feel as if im lost, and alien,
i mean yeah
supposed to be alien
but not from the church
so i feel lost

anyways
glad to see you back and smiling
looks to me like uve dealt with some of the demons,
and well
maybe more like, gotten ur head out of some of that self induced muck and finally letting go to grasp joy
im glad for you
i just hope i can follow your example......

after so long ive realised that i havent really gotten that far,
just a few inches off the starting block
and maybe not in the right direction
so this is the race im running
somehow it seems that im not really making much progress
i dun noe if i'll ever make it
but yeah
what choice do i have
but to struggle
and it doesnt help
when the struggle isnt as clear cut as it used to be
and now, the times are more pressing....
hai
if only
if only if i wasnt so frail

a shell of hollow cynicism,
is that all that remains
of a kindred spirit i once admired?

have the waves so tossed you around
have you grown calloused and hard with every passing heartache?
now that the sparkle in your eyes has dimmed
and your steps have become heavy?

so people never disappoint to disappoint
so you've learnt that
when the merry world turns crimson
and the roses grow thorns what then?

do i have the right to be disappointed??
with all the delusionment, and griping?

especially when these old friends seem familiar to me

anyway
recently many things have well
been very interesting
honestly
so many black and whites fading to grey
and honestly i dun noe how to repsond anymore
i dun want to see you cry,
that look in your eyes you have sometimes just cuts so deep
but i dun noe how else......
argh

sometimes i wish it didnt seem as if i was the one tainting the waters

a fancy
strange things happen

in the twinkling of an eye
presumptions break
and we find ourselves in a place we've never tred

sometimes im so confused,
i dont know what i want
i dont know what i should be feeling
times like now.......

i never knew,
that it could come so hard and fast
nor that it would be as such

but i care
is that enough?
is that ever enough?

phantom

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered


Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here


Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could


Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle


Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?


Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try


No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye

soap

why
why do people behave the way they do?
why does the crazed intoxication lead to such melodrama and conspiracy
why must it be so tiresome
i can see why im afraid
i dunno
i guess well,
im not the only one who is getting hurt by all of this
but am i the only one who feels wary?

its just seems so impossible sometimes
i cant take another episode,
how do people last so many seasons
why must the blossoms draw as such
why do the rays melt the coldest heart?
are we all fools?

was it worth it?
all the blood sweat and tears?
late nights
sleep debt
weariness?
hmm
i suppose time will tell
but sometimes that answer isnt enough
especially when we dont see much
but i guess ive been blessed with this one respite

11 years
after 11 years of hardness, a heart opens
if that isnt fruit i dunno what is
i just hope it lasts
i really do

I'm home enough to know I'm lost

Sometimes I wish there was less uncertainty,
but I guess its not up to me to decide
sometimes I feel as if we're on the knifes edge,
other times, I dunno if I feel at all
but anyways
I dunno
somehow I feel as if I never cared more in my life

my new found home, family
never thought I would find it here
but I have
and now I'm scared of letting go

I dunno
I find myself groping in the dark sometimes
chasing the fugacious blossoms of past beauty, lost in the continuity of time
pursuing some dream now illusory...
i know now that its pointless to try and return to that point
everyone and everything has moved on
so i have decided to grasp what i have now
but i fear it is slipping away from me

maybe this is the first time i really care
i dunno
this is so new to me
sometimes i just feel so helpless and lost
but im not gonna stand down i guess

something has to be done,
either we go down, regretting
or
or else.....
pray that i may find
find the grace we all need,

Confused enough to know direction
Sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
See enough to know I'm blind
See enough to know I'm blind

throwing oneself against a rock

i dont know if it was a stupid thing to do
but i agreed to more work
lol

hahaha
well honestly i wont mind
im more worried if im not capable enough
hai
but really
i think life has come to such a point whereby i am totally willing to help out SFC
but hmm
in non para organisations,
lets say there is no enthusiasm at all.....
well
shant say too much
my head may roll
just would like to say that yeah
im really beginning to appreciate all the people placed around me
especially in school
so many good role models and fellow wayfarers....
wish i could say the same about.....
hai
well
when life gives u lemons....
i dont know.....
i dont like lemonade.....

so now the pressure is starting to build up
with easter week a week away, one full-dress down, another to go
and with last minute admin and work to settle, life is begginning to get hectic......
at least now i know i have stuff to do
and hopefully i can get through it in one piece

at least i now know that i am not the only one with these sentiments
but is that comfort enough?
i dont know, but i dont think circumstances will change much for the better in time to come
so either i change, or i leave?
sigh
seems like that is the popular route out
is it?
i cant say i have no where else to go
because i do
so what now?

i really have no idea
we shall just wait and see

block test

hmm, its test time of the year
hmm
well at least ive got an excuse for not blogging for some time liao
ahah
ive been
well
hmm
ive been having the time of my life really
strange, i never expected test time to be so enjoyable.

i think maybe it is because it takes my mind off other things

so many things going wrong
hmm
even things i thought would never falter did
at least there is still grace
really

cant say that i enjoy going to church,
but hey, at least i go
and i dont try to fake that i do enjoy it

i wish it were easier to relate to God, at least out of a better posture
not one whereby i feel far away
well i hope its just a feeling
ahhaha

anyways
yeah
the road to life concert,
seemed smooth sailing at first
now suddenly has become so rocky
big bills
chicken pox
lack of manpower
its no coincidence that 2 days from the 1st full dress rehersal our lead guitarist was down
hmm
well im believing tht it will be no coincidence that he will be miraculously healed by friday
hahahah
sounds strange coming from me
but maybe the eternal optimist has begun rubbing off on me

anyways, i think im not really doing my job
im lousy at admin and at gathering resources and people
probably better at being a grunt
lol

anyways
serving in some places has become a real chore while in other places has been a joy
i dont know
most people would assume it to be the other order
better not say too much

but yeah
life has been great even with all the problems
ahhahaha
dun noe
maybe its the company im keeping
mix with the right people
it will really bolster your mood
anyways
been really interesting
really really interesting
ahahahah
going deliriou5?
ahahah
maybe the crazed intoxication has gotten to me
i hope no one understands that
lol


hahah
anyway
i think im going to change my blog song
faith enough
by jars of clay
discography: who we are instead

its a great song, so i shall let it speak for itself

coffee

just a personal opinion,
but starbucks is so much better than coffee bean

well at least if you are a coffee purist,


maybe im just biased, but coffee bean does not have anything particularly strong on its menu,
and the cups are smaller
hmm

coffee bean just sells alot of sweet nothings which just appeal to the sweet tooth, not to the caffine deprived soul

its interesting really,
how easily we can get uprooted,
and find things around us so different, so suffocating
so
changed...

i guess change is one of the great constants in life,
everything changes
at least everything other than God,

but change hurts
especially when its something we hold close
like beliefs or friends
its like in the words of the only chinese song i ever really liked,
time passes, and the friends we once had are now no longer close,
and the only thing we have left are memories....

so easily, we get uprooted, and we find that we dont fit in like we used to
the people, the buildings, the air, its all changed,
i guess we've changed much too
maybe its like Aslan says to Lucy in prince caspian,
its not that I've grown, but You've grown, and so i seem bigger to you
doesnt make much sense
but i guess change doesnt make much sense either

in words that worry me,
a friend expressed her anxiety that a bunch of us who grew quite close recently are probably not close enough to remain close in the next few years,

a group of friends who i have become especially fond of
hmm
i have never been really great at making friends
thru 4 yrs of sec sch education, i only made a handful of really good friends
and even than, its hard to even keep in contact with them
and some people who i thought i would never lose touch with
are phantoms to me now,
ghost from the past who by some cosmic coincidence bump into me from time to time.

i guess its kind of my fault too
nvr really appreciated the friends i had
took many of them for granted, and lived in a world of melochany where i mourned what i did not have
so much so that i lost much of what i did have

well
so before its too late
if you were or still are a good friend to me, whether i realised it or not,
thank you
for being there
and im sorry if it seems that we're no longer as close as we used to be
i cant say i wish we still were close, but well, there are good memories
ahhahahaha
but really
i wish i wasnt such a waste
waste of potential
waste of effort

what can we claim to have gained?
nothing really
nothing at all
really drives home the fact that we come with nothing and take back nothing
now if only the universal constant God was more constant in our lives
maybe we'd lose less

night

as still as the darkness,
as bleak as the rain
the call of the raven chilling the soul
judgement looms
and the ghosts of the past afflict
cessation is at the door

empty tombs,
mortality certain
the struggle pending
solitary, quiet hostility,
bloodstained nothingness

lycans howl and perish
smitten

in the numbing downpour
a point of no return
a field of blood

john 13:30 As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.

John 9:4As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. 5While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

excuse me? do u noe where i can find joy

in case ur wondering

no, i am not refering to the name of a girl

just some distant shangri-la that ive heard of in folklore

hmm

no really

what is joy?

i suppose the most direct answer would be delighting in our identity in God, and in what he has done for us on the cross, and in the love and glory that we can bring to Him......

but than that would be quite far from what im capable of thinking about

at least for now, with my brain running on half the oxygen needed

lol

excuses

but really,

for me, for now

i guess its learning not to resent, and bring Him, something sacrificial

something pleasing...

something of worth

a side note, i want to change my blog song, but thats later....

hmm

i dunno,

joy hasnt exactly been one of my strengths..

i learnt to sigh since primary school

stare at the clouds and lament my situation

wallow in the melodrama of life, and the like

hmm

well

i guess one could call it perspective...

looking at the sides we choose to see

but i refuse to see joy as seeing the birds chirping and the rainbow and the flowers

hmm

i guess joy is seeing all the shit in life and knowing that God has everything in order....

well

we're seeking Heaven arent we

and i guess we'll nvr reach there until we finally let go and learn to look up

and learn to rejoice in the fact that we cant do anything rite and that everything has been set in place for us already

walking on a knife's edge

i guess the only thing we fail to see sometimes is the omnipotent One who asked us to walk the line carrying us

well

if we could percieve such mysteries

well i guess we'd see more of Heaven playing out through our lives.

hey, its me in the library typing again
seems like boredom drives people to blog,
i must live a terribly boring life
hmm

so much has happened,
now i find myself in a queer state of affairs
hmm
i guess on one hand im staying for now
on the other, i dont really wish to burden myself with the extra affairs of a local parish.... lol

hmm
well God's been speaking
in strange languages...

now He's sayign things like i need to find joy
joy in service
joy in living for Him
i guess He is right

like He can ever be wrong...

i suppose that other than with fear and trembling, we need to work out our salvation with a smile on our faces and a skip in our stride
wheee

well
whatever it is, i suppose i must press on
it is the only way... to reconcile my faith with my life
anything inbalanced will sooner or later have to reconcile...
id rather be the one to do it
i guess im learning to answer for my stubborness and aloofness in the past.
we reap what we sow
we get to taste the bitter harvest of our mistakes and stupidity...
well at least im happy
or im trying to be

whee

i guess im finally realising,
that depth is not how difficult our words are,
or how complex our algorithms appear to be...
its simply how what is on the inside, and how the crux of the matter, that finally being God, is reconciled and amplified throughout,
beyond wording and numbers,
the essence of being,
being captured, because that is what we know and hold onto.

here i am in school blogging
wow
its amazing
so much free time in sch
none at home
this world is imbalanced
everything abounding in all the wrong places.

i guess this rule applies to more than just my leisure distribution

its strange really,
i had to depart from an insistance on certain things i considered to be my cornerstone in order to find myself.

no i have not lost my faith or backslided,
and no i have not suddenly accepted some occultic doctrine
at least i hope ive not.

i guess its just learning to accept and make do with what i have left
or at least what ive been given
i suppose its learning one deep truth,
that u nvr really own ur life until u give it away to God freely

maybe i stopped trying to hold on and survive
so i finally learnt to live

then again
there are so many unreconciled areas and factors in my life
and as all good physics and sociatal algorithms tell us
all imbalances will be reconciled one way or the other,
its just a matter of the speed, smoothness of the transition and i suppose how pleasant the transition

maybe im buying myself time,
maybe im running away again
seems to be the only thing im really good at doing.

or maybe i need to heed that b-grade line...
u have only been fleeing
you havent learnt to run

i wanted to blog daily, or at least weekly,
but now i think if update at least once a month, it would be above expectations....
lol
the pass months/weeks have been really amazing
in terms of consistency,
i think my walk has never been as consistent.
but i guess to other people it would never look so slipshod
i have begun finally to understand some truths, and some archetypes, and norms that i accepted till now have fallen away.
conventions have been lost, at least some of them are lost to me
its quite interesting really
so much to do
and im enjoying 90 per cent of it
more than i could have expected.
yet the joys and comforts i held to in the past are gone
if i seem to go on rumbling without a point, its probably cos i dun noe how to put my point into words
i have nvr been one for beautiful expression
so i shant try
i once told someone i didnt like making promises especially since i probably wont keep them
i used to believe that it was better to be sincere, and just try
since we probably will fail
i guess im coming to realise how sometimes we must promise even when we tread a knife-edge,
because we have no other choice
because if we arent willing to give our futures to Him,
and go against all that fate may throw against us
we will never become all that He intends for us to become

havent been blogging for a long while
sorry
if anyone reads my blog at all...
school has been murder
ouside school activities... hmm
well
lets just say tt i comparatively prefer going to school sometimes

anyway
there has been a role-play in my head going on for some time

Hi, i'm Simon
Hi Simon
I'm.... a leper....
Everyone in the circle doesnt seem stunned...
a man seating next to him pats Simon on the back with what's left of his hand....

welcome to Lalaland
also known as the leper association

nowadays, u dont even need to be a leper to have no friends
people walk around, with a chip in their shoulder,
their disposition crying out unclean

Maybe for that reason we treasure the account of the leper so much
because Jesus not only brough healing to him
but He touched him
something people wouldnt think of doing

we call ourselves the follower's of Christ,
a people called by God, to walk in his ways, and in a way,
become a small piece of Him on earth
but how many times do we shun the social and spiritual lepers around us?

true faith has a way of showing itself
commitment, time, spiritual fruits...
but looking retrospectively,
i seem to have none
yeah
i noe im shallow
but it seems that public opinion is all for letting loose of every inate thought and opinion,
as if everyone wants and deserves to know

well enough of that line of thought anyway

hmm
talked to someone recently,
although i must admit i wasnt to intothe the conversation
but yeah
touched on something important
how do we know if we are called to a place
according to the persons answer, if we are there, usually we're called there
and something else about a sense of purpose, and knowing about knowing
hmm
the first one i suppose goes for every situation,
but the other 2?
well
the conversation was quite a roundabout
probably my fault, cause i naturally assume everyone to be psychic.
hmm
but yeah
got there at last
well
this is my response,
even if i dont feel like staying,
i dread it
i guess i have to drag my feet there
cause i havent been called out yet
so i shall try not to scowl
and try not to beat up those im about to beat up
try
yeah
but yeah, dun ask for some enthusiastic response from me,
cause i dun have one to give u