felt like crying on my way home today

how did we become so lost

because there isnt the lost cause of revival to fawn over?
have we simply lost marx's opiate of the people?

sometimes i wish it could be more easily rationalized
we learn in quantum mechanics that light, energy and momentum are quantised
meaning they exist in distinct packages

maybe purpose and reason exist in distinct quantities too

i only know im kinda short on both at the moment

we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.
~crash, 2004

today was queer

still trying to make sense of nothing happening

maybe its just my mindset that events must have metaphysical significance that makes we wish things we were more meaningful

sigh

lols, maybe we're just not fated to meet on sundays... lols

school started for a week plus and well its been taking some getting used to getting back in schedule

new hall, new environment

cant complain though, im not in aerospace having a crazy timetable packed with too many modules

i have so much to be thankful for
so many people i should be grateful for

i think i dont do it enough
appreciating people

well although it doesnt make much sense to do it here
since they probably wont see it cause they dont read it

but yeah thanks so much
mh for being my friend even though you one of the coolest guys i know
hahaha
room full of blues was great, but i think opening up to each other was better

thanks zaids for being so patient, willing to put up with our nonsense and all

thanks buddy group leaders for bearing with me jayce and tdd who is gone now

thanks eeli for probably being the only one who still reads... haha maybe not the only one but yeah

my talk with mh was great, made me realise people see the way i carry myself and the way i treat other people around me really does affect the people around me

id admit, i struggle alot with loving people
no thats a lie
i dont really try to put up a struggle
there are people i simply dont like, and i dont put in the effort to be civil to them
i just ignore them

i know that apathy being the antithesis of love is evil and all that

but

i guess the state of my life right now

maybe thats why i dont really like to blog nowadays
because it sometimes means coming to terms with the ugliness i see in myself
the apathy, the jealousy, the callousness, the narcissism

and no,
no cause for concern or worry,
this isnt some bout of depression and self pity

its just honest, harsh realistic introspection

reminded how some days it seems like we have existance forced upon us without our permission
and we're dragged kicking screaming cursing into day
baptised by trial and fire into a hostile world, which reflects for us to see the ugliness of our souls

but yeah
im grateful, at least on the days when it does strike me
for the friends ive made who stand by me, and make me remember that there is warmth and love in the world,
that though we dont have much, we have each other
cheers