struggles-v1.01

hai
lalalla
i guess the moment we say we are willing, problems will crop up
or at least stuff we must deal with
felt really guilty at pre-service prayer ytd
cos ya, i think i felt God wanted me to pray
but for wadever reason,
i kept my mouth shut,..... and ya, think i spoilt the spiritual atmosphere through my unwillingness
maybe its fear,
maybe pride
argh
dunno
i just noe that it sounds really sad
that i ask God to speak to me, but when He does, i dont dare speak out His words...
dang
i guess i have to change my mindset when it comes prayer
in more ways than one
anyways,
rev. Tony's sermon really spoke to me
hmm
actually his sermons always do,
but usually im willing to listen or take it down
im finally realising the importance of unity and community..
although sometimes, id rather be alone
hmm
caring and having concern is the Jesus way i suppose...
so gotta learn to care and have compassion
hai
so hard man
id rather be apathetic
the scary part is he said that apathy, is a satanic spirit,
it is a place of rebellion, where we assume that others are not worth caring about and we go against God's agenda of fellowship within the christian body
and compassion for those not in the christian body
hmm
guess i got lots to deal with man

i guess i also gotta give thanks
that yeah,
my family situation is improving
finally
ahahha
managed to assuage my rage and anger at home
i guess mindset changes are powerful
and i guess ive got lots to make

like i said before,
melodrama is addictive,
that oily, dark, pity-seeking shadow,
i dun
i dun want to be that dwarf who struggles against joy
at least not anymore...
like i said,
i guess i gotta deal with my mindset towards prayer
hmm
maybe tts wads been so lacking in my christian life up till now
well
time to learn to pray again
and to deal with the Cain in me
and least im not branded by God
hahahaha

struggles

after such a spiritual high,
as usual, im left facing the prospect of depression
maybe it aint so scary for some ppl
but truth is,
its a demon that haunts my dreams sometimes
hai

i guess its part of me letting go of the melodrama and the shadow
spiritual depression was something that marked part of my walk with God
rather
i was caught up in deception and was left chasing my behind while the devil watched and laughed...

at least i learnt some lessons


struggle
sometimes i wonder why we have to struggle so much in order to please God
sometimes we struggle to even have the intention to please Him
sometimes the christian life seems marked by struggle and not breakthrough
but i guess as CS Lewis wrote,
God values the process more than the ends
breakthroughs he can grant as he wishes
but the moulding we go through to attain it is priceless
in a sense

i guess another reason why we struggle so much is because of our nature
we are fallen beings
a scourge and accursed
we have been attuned to sin
to rebellion
left on our own, we become proud
we wallow in sin
due to adam, we are now born into sin,
babies when born may not have sinned yet,
but they are already sinful creatures- creatures who if not interfered with, will be let to sin

our christian life is therefore a struggle against our very flesh and nature
and the reason why we fall so much
is that we often dont realise how helpless we are against ourselves

really,
the only way we can achieve the end we desire is to truly surrender,
and crucify our flesh
something we cant rely on our own strength to do,
our own strength of some sinful origin anyways,
maybe not sinful in original creation, but sinful due to its early corruption

anyways
i guess we all have to learn to be in a continual relationship of dependance on God
and to put our old man to death everyday through our surrender and His grace
learning to broken and contride
maybe that is hard road
but maybe
maybe its the only plausible road

sometimes i wonder how so man of God can move so powerfully
be so in touch with the Holy Spirit
but i guess if we choose to look at their lifestyles, their level of consecration
of sacrifice and obediance
we will be put to shame
more shame then we already experience anyways

2 tim 2:20-21
20In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble. 21If a man cleanses himself from the latter, he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work.

we consecrate so that we can be useful for holy work
i dun just want to be his tool
but His precision tool

maybe a lofty aspiration
but i guess i need one

i guess in the end its really simple
simple and hard
haha

as St. Paul wrote in his letter to the church in Philippi
continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling(phillipians 2:12b)
with fear and trembling

yeah
fear and trembling
so we struggle on
not because we like it, and not because it is the best way
but because He requires it of us
and therefore we have to
and hopefully
we struggle through to breakthrough
hopefully

stupid strawberry

why must things be so...
hai
so u live in utopia,
while i struggle through my warped reality,
u appear so fine
even when through the stained glass window
untouched by the shadow,
a burst of colour in my monochrome
is it better to be tormented so?

argh

Stupid quiz

im doing this stupid quiz cos someone asked for it

01 you get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?

I would have chosen wisdom, but looked where it ended solomon.... so i guess it would be compassion

02 what animal would you be ?

A dolphin

03 something you want to do in your life:

04 one time there were these ninjas (cont')

right....

05 one song you could listen to over and over again:

Awesome God

06 coke or pepsi?

Coke. it's sweeter

07 something you currently desire:

stawberry... no really, a heart after Gods

08 what's a "mastoid" (no peeking of dict)

whoever came up with this quiz is obviously some sicko looking for sick answers....

09 one good deed you've done lately:

cant think of any in particular... wads so great abt deeds that make them good... im a really bad person... right...........

10 a funny moment in your life:

funny? life is funny?

i guess... probably some big, sick, sadistic, comos joke... my kind of dark humour

love... east timor

this was my third time watching it
maybe 3 is a charm
or maybe i finally can identify
maybe it took someone to leave
for me to finally feel

well
at least I feel
at last

a toast to our unsung heroes,
the ones who have left our sides
to become forever immortalised in our memories
ok
im exaggerating
well
at least I feel
anyway

This alabaster jar

This alabaster jar
this jar of clay,
a treasure throve
all I have to give

sweet perfume, anoiting oil,
what else can I give

Those wounded hands,
those nail-pierced feet,
upon which this jar I break

I pour out my life, my heart, my all
what else can I possibly give,
to the man who hung on a tree

My blood covered hands,
raise to Him

This liar, this thief, this whore, this psychopath
Who am I that He embraces me

a hopeless fool,
to hope to grasp
yet His cloak i reach for

He strides the shores of eternity,
the cosmos in His palm,
who am i, that i attempt to understand his omipotence
what hope do i have
to satisfy the unquenchable desires of an infinite being?

so i lay me down
end the masquerade
humble my crowns before his feet

grace amazing
what wondrous glory
to see the Son of Man, hung on a tree
the acceptance & hope He gives to me
a poor broken earthen vessel

so this is my past cathing up with me
so this is how my world spins- out of my grasp
strawberry
so perfect
oh the melodrama
God help me
save me from myself

redemption

i have started reading problem of pain again

i guess havent exactly been investing my time huh
time to start
God help me with the details
so many things undone
things that should be done by now
argh

forgive me God
i've done somethings i shouldn't
let me not wander astray
but let me find myself in You
please

treasures hidden in jars of clay

i think i would like to take this time to thank the people who have really helped me through this past year
a transitional state,
hmm
dunno feel fake calling it that
i think falling away and struggling back stage sounds more appropriate
sometimes i wonder whether what i struggle with is legitimate or whether the manifestation of my schiznophrenic nature

hai
well that asside
thanks jason lee, dom, xingwen, lian, lingquan
maybe ud might ask what u've done but the truth is
when people around u struggle, we feel better
haahah
no really
asside from the sadism
the truth is when we see people around us being real with themselves
we're encouraged to do likewise
and perhaps
being real is something i have to work on

well perhaps i ahve highly overrated myself
but nvr mind
haha
strange
i started blogging honestly with an exhibitionist nature
ahha
but as time when by
and as i realised that only a handful read my blog
haha
if u look at the counter, probably 300 out of 700 are me revisiting my blog to check if the upload works
haha
but ya
there was a hiatus when i didnt see the point in blogging
now i blog because i find it hard to pen down stuff as when in my handwriting, things dont look as meaningful
ahhaha

no really
anways, as the bible says

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 2 cor 4:7

Pero tenemos este tesoro en vasijas de barro para que se vea que tan sublime poder viene de Dios y no de nosotros

sorry, im fascinated with spanish, not that i noe how to speak it
but anyways
reminded that in the end we are the vessels
and the more plain we are
i guess God works best
haha

maybe im comforting myself
since i find myself so plain
haah
well
i guess im not alone
maybe lonely
or maybe jealous of others who can socialise better
but ya
at least God is there for me
although i cant say the opposite is true
hai

but i think i must thank God
for knocking down my house of cards
and letting me realise how much of my faith was just hot air
before i really got burnt
well
enjoy the song
its my favourite

Please take from me my life, when i dont have the strength to give it to You

Jason Lee is leaving for east timor next week
strange really
nvr really appreciated this brother
maybe because he has always been silently influencing from outside the limelight

hai

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

maybe,
maybe i nvr really bothered about the concern he showed, maybe because he wasn't very emotional,
then again, im not
hmm
maybe we're too similar that's why

then again
i guess what really amazes me about his life
his willingness to give up material comforts
and live a life on the edge for God
i couldnt imagine myself without a financial blanket
haha
thank God for my parents
but seriously
his life just speaks volumes
and the words he spoke,
though few
hmm
they cut deep
maybe too deep
maybe that's why i didnt really get to know him

hai
wad a waste

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

i guess that's the part where i take the queue to get my life in order
hai
why do people have to leave before we take what they want to do in our lives seriously
time to open up i guess
i'll nvr forget the pray he prayed for me at our last prayer meeting ( at least i dont want to)
it cut deep i guess
not too much emotiosn stirred
but it cut deep
maybe that suits the both of us more

hai

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

i suppose the last words of a person are important
i guess that's why i want he prayed over me to come to pass
maybe my motivation's more than that
well it was a prayer that answered my prayers
been asking God to speak to me again for some time
hmm
well
now my house of cards has been knocked down
again
it hurts i guess
to learn that these past years have been wasted
because i havent learnt to take off my masks
well
maybe i learnt about the masks in the past year
but i guess it hurts that it took such a long time

but
well
this is me trying to be real
but i dont noe where to start

please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You,
please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength, to give it to You, Jesus

well as that refrain from one of third day songs i like(one of the few)
please take my life
even when i dont have the strength or the guts, or even half a brain
to even sing that song to You

disappointed,
maybe i am,
with the world, with the church
but i guess mostly with myself
fallen so many times
its amazing really
we can find the most absymal reasons to fall
i guess that's human nature
we suck, why, because we're not good at doing anything else

then again maybe that's why i have such a hard time understanding love
i guess before u can love others, u must learn to love yourself
its scary really
that maybe i'm more disappointed with myself than He is of me

well i guess then i have to learn how to place my hope in one who wont disappoint
maybe i've found Him, then again, i probably dont trust enough
well i guess i have to start somewhere

guess i have to start being real
with myself, with others
with Him
but
but maybe i dont really know how
if i wear a mask to hide myself from myself
how to take it off
if u ask me who i am
i cant honestly answer you
maybe i can, if u consider "i dunno" as an answer
well i suppose i cant gripe until ive started
but where to start
hai

maybe
maybe im just scared
of all that possibly could be inside
rejection, lonliness, jealousy, brokenness
pride
oh twisted pride
my turkish delight
my sin

then again
life without Him is unbearable
i guess this is what hell is
life without Him...

i suppose CS Lewis was right
Heaven, if we get there will appear to work backwards through our mortal life,
the events we go through are the stepping stones in which we become what in eternity we should exist as.... not only the end product, but the process is something that focuses on God

i suppose hell is alot like that
in the end
not only the burning sulphur, but possibly the knowledge that we missed the whole point of life
will burn
and possibly worst

haha
just thought of a funny quote
"such wasted potential"
i picked it up from charles xavier
yes
the xman bald dude
haahah
well i suppose if like me,
u spend most of your time living in a fantasy world in your head
u end up thinking of comics
especially the fantasy u indulge yourself in looks alot like the pages of some dark gruesome manga

maybe thats my mask
maybe i should learn to live without my choice escapism
my drug
hai
tough tough
maybe thats why i dont noe myself
always have been too fearful
allowing myself to escape from the tough questions,
to a world where the pain is
is
experienced through the eyes of another
where everything is melodrama
some dark joke or cliche
well
for a time
i used to be addicted to the melodrama we can force upon the world around us
maybe those days arent as gone as i supposed
well what to do
we learn, bit by bit, we learn

maybe thats why i find it so hard to socialise sometimes,
too trapped up in my own world
of perfect characters....
haha
well
perfectly melodramatic if i may put it that way

maybe that's why i have such a hard time accepting life...
cos it doesnty play out like a jap anime
where everyone has a svelte figure, where love occurs far too often albeit under stupid circumstances,
and where little boys and girls contain in themselves some doomsday device

haha
maybe that is the realisation of some innate dormant desire to make a difference
well i suppose there is some truth,
that we all have the potential to make some world changing differences
i just wish the path was as easy and as well-defined as in manga
haha

well at least i have such a desire, even if it doesnt surface
sometimes i wonder if i have emotions
at all
haha
dunno
most of the time, i feel numb-non emotional
some would argue that is an emotion, but
hai
dunno lah
want to stop thinking whether that is because of the way i am or whether it's some lousy excuse
time to stop the excuses i suppose
i need sleep
hehe
well at least that's a more legal form of escapism other than my fantasies

rejection

rejection
maybe i really am suffering from it
hmm
well
i guess like alcoholism the first thing to do is to realise the problem

bah
dunno mans
as much as i want to think things differently
as much as i want to behave differently
well
its tough

maybe i just dun want to face the problems
maybe im scared of what i would dig up if i go hunting for roots
wads under the ground stays there i suppose
either that or it haunts us,
haha
close enough
maybe i just am not willing to forgive
sometimes i just want to walk away
but can i
maybe its gone past that point now

potential what potential
yeah
potential timebomb
potential catastrophie
haha
whee
cant wait
argh
struggling
with what i dun really noe
maybe im just trapped in some delusion of my own making

sent my ipod mini for repairs,
i think im suffering from withdrawal symptoms now,
argh
feel so bored without tt small lousy piece of metal tt served me faithfully till a point....

hai
i used to think i was very smart,
tt i had lots of tact,
tt i knew how to manipulate people,
tot i was a superhero

maybe i was bipolar?
hehe
dunno much now
used to think alot
wonder and doubt
i guess i was wasting my energy
doesnt really matter how much i know
or how much im able to analyse
if i cant do much
doesnt matter

how much is thought worth?
the people i know dont seem to place much value on it

ok
maybe this is a generalization based on the majority
but the truth is that we live in a post-modernistic society
based more on experience and feeling than rational
and so when people choose to ask more questions than is "needed" of them
some people label them as critical

doesnt help much i suppose that most people nowadays now seek for acceptance...
doesnt help much i suppose to think then
wont help u fit in
wait
i guess we wont fit in anyways
does it matter

haha
sadly
the truth is that it matters
it matters because we are human,
we are social creatures
haha
am i
haha

i care
maybe i dun feel sympathy tt often
and i dun say much
dont do much
bah
wad does it matter
i dun noe wad to say or do anymore
i just dont noe
i tot i was smart
but i know tt i was sadly mistaken
like abt so many other things
some deluded fool
no wonder my house of cards collapsed so easily
at least now i dont make any presumptions
maybe because i cant presume anything anymore
or wait
am i deluding myself more
i wish i could say the world was a beautiful place
but then i would be deluding myself
so much hurts
so much rejections and loneliness

i wish i could say the church was a beautiful place
but i guess i couldnt say tt with a straight face

bah
i guess i would be lying if i told u i was a beautiful person
i dont even have a nice personality
hahahahah

no seriously
its not as beautiful as some would make out to believe
too much politics, social dysfunctionalism and
hmm
too much taint of the evil one

but i guess He came down,
lived as one of us
had compassion for us
healed us
met our needs
and died for us

as ugly as that scene was
as much of rejection as He must as felt,
i guess
i guess it was beautiful
in some deep deep way that i fail to see(guess im not very deep)
maybe the church is beautiful, maybe the world aint so ugly
but i guess i still cant say im beautiful
hehe
guess i shd go work on my personality, not rich enough fo surgery, hahahahha
then again, maybe im just deluding myself again,