Trust

Learning to let go of insecurity,
learning to lay it down and take hope
why do I find it so hard?

You hold the world in Your hands,
creation, in its seemingly infinite continuity, and unpredictable uncertainty
exists as a defined constant to You.
You transcend time, for creation can never bind the creator
My past, my present, my future,
You view in your incomprehensible Now,
and You have promised it to be good

So who am I, a mortal man, that i dare to doubt Your word?
Through Your Word alone, i came into existance,
and by accepting Your word, I have been redeemed.
is it then within my capacity to doubt that which caused and sustains my existance?

As i ponder about this matter,
I am utterly convinced of what a lowly, flippant despicable human being I really am
I foolishly trust in myself and in circumstance,
while i dare to doubt the constant that remains through all eternity.

Lord teach me not to despair,
but to look past my failings and to Your abundant grace.
Help me to all but disappear in view of Your amazing reality
Tear down the stronghold of cynicism and doubt.
Where fear and confusion once festered,
let there arise faith, hope and charity.
Help me to remain steadfast in my will,
holding on to Your promises, that you "will never leave me nor forsake me"
and that "the plans you have for me, will prosper me not harm me"
Teach me to trust in You

sobering up

finally woke up from all the apathy
guess i have to give all thanks to God for not letting me go
He did so much for me, and yet im so ungrateful
the reality of it all, really hurts

anyways, i thought i would write this,
to encourage all going through a hard time, much like mine
this time of, hmm wad word should i use, umm well change i guess
has really shown me, how little i really have grown,
and ya, how much more i need to grow
i guess i cant be satisfied anymore


Lost and alone,
i walked in the cold,
looking for someone to lighten the load
but there no comfort availed, in this world of regrets,
i walk on, empty, forlorn, without hope.

Yet He came
from somewhere above
perfect, without sin, and eyes full of love,
he bled and he died, for a sinner like me
to bring salvation, of which i'm unworthy

even then
we struggle to please him
in our carnality, we stumble and fall
we try to persevere, for somewhere above
a pair of scarred hands, embraces us with love

i stop to gather myself
why the recent condition of my heart?
why the coldness, hardness and rebellion

could it be bcos the minisitry is heading in a direction i no longer want to head in?
could it be tt i feel lost without the ppl i considered my mentors,
now tt they are dealing with a drastic change in their lives?
could it be all the penned up fustration and anger?
wadeva it is,
im finding myself lost and confused
i no longer know where i want to go
and im no longer sure of myself,
of who i am anymore

and then there's you,
the ppl who are supposedly authority over me
u tell me of how u have "more experience than me"
but you don't lord it over me
you tell me tt not being transparent is pride
you tell me tt my not confiding in you means i dont trust Him
means i dont confide in Him

well, im sorry if i dont meet ur expectations
im sorry if im too insecure to be able to trust you
im sorry if i dont find the merits of you being my "leaders" enough to win my trust
im sorry tt perhaps bcos of past issues, i find myself only able to openly confide in a handful of ppl

maybe ur right
maybe i am being proud
maybe i am being arrogant
maybe i dont have a relationship with Him
maybe i dont trust Him

but im afraid all you've succeed in doing is to irk me
you waltz in here, and u expect me to open up to you
what makes you so deserving of my trust?
what have you done for me?
how have you proven urself trust worthy?

you tell me tt if i cant trust you, who i can see, tt i can't trust God who i cant see

Let me ask you this: There was a time when i used to cry to God every night, and i had no one else to confide with. Where were you during those times?
during those times i could only trust in God, and it was only thanks to him tt i made it through, i didnt even know who the heck you were back then
and now you come telling me tt if i cant trust you, i cant trust Him?
what gives you the right to insult everything He has done for me like tt

you say tt i give you disrespect,
well
i agree with you
cos i find myself losing respect for you with every other word that you say

lifeline

hanging onto strands of reality
i barely hold on
truths i thought so certain,
i struggle to hold fast to

a horde of vague and obscure sentiments crash down around me
the path i tread now hazy in my sight,
barely persevering
barely holding on

being dragged along,
the waves and billows of circumstance
they wash over me,
tired of being tossed around,
i want to cut the lifeline

but i hesitate

something in me just won't let go
deep-set in my mind
a memory etched from a time i want to forget:

those nights when i cried alone
in all that pain and distress
he was there
embracing me
comforting me

am i to let go of hope, of love, of the only source of joy i ever knew
to give up the only thing i find worth living for?

i close my eyes to stem the tears,
and cling on
dont let me go

Broken

Broken, stricken, desolated.
have i walked away from everything i once held dear?
the principles i held so dearly, the treasures i held so close,
have i in a moment of folly squanded them all?

Delibrately walking in the other direction,
letting go, falling away, slipping, sliding, turning back, growing cold, walking away
is that all that is left of me, a broken shell?
few notice, but the fire inside has died down,
no longer that spark, that light inside

how long can i run,
how long can my back be turned on Nineveh?
till the storms come, till i get thrown overboard
till i get so completely engulfed i have no choice than to turn back?

seem now so far away,
indulging in carnality,
it seems so easy when compassion and love are not neccessary
sure it feels empty, a fake substitute
but i'm unwilling to return,
not completely willing at the least

is that all that's left of me?
not sure of wad i am anymore
God help me please.
i know i cant let go of you,
but just find it so hard to return back

Falling away

i walked on for so long,
came so far
i struggled on, but still did not let go
i thought that i had it made,
that i was finally on the right track
that i was finally making some progress
i thought that such a time would never come,
and yet it did

never thought that part of me would be so hard to give up
but yet even now i refuse to let go of it
that shadow from my past,
that nightmare i long wanted to forget
it still comes back to me
i want to let go of it,
but part of me refuses.

i struggled so much it hurt,
so i decided to numb the pain.
want to stop, but circumstances just keep pounding
so many people around me,
advicing me, telling me what to do
sticking their hands into an area they dont even grasp
what God doesnt dig up,
man chooses to unearth
such stupidity it irks me

one struggle after another
no place of comfort
no one to turn to
no one understands
everyone simply yakking on about what they deem correct
so tired of pleasing others
so tired of even trying
tired of considering about others

So numb, so tired
just want to run away from it all
just feel like falling away
into that hole of self-centeredness
Just want to let go
to stop having to struggle and get carried away
to let someone else do the labour
gave so much yet....

i do not have what it takes to face it anymore
no more strength
just plain tired
just wanna feed my carnality
so i let go
turn my back
give up
walk in the other direction
fall away

little girl

a little girl,
hiding her face from the rest of the world
she searches for someone to love her,
but no one seems to care
she wants someone to be real to her
but she dare's not be real herself.

she lives out a lie
putting all she has into an image,
an image of perfection
hoping that she will find true love and acceptance
but she just cant see
that nobody can love a lie

a myriad of conflicting thoughts in her head,
so many different voices whispering in her ear
doubts arise
confusion ensures
and she fails to hear that still small voice,
telling her that she is loved

can't you see that all HE wants is for you to be real with HIM
can't you just let go of the mask,
let go of the mirage?
is the misery worth it?
or would you rather feed your fears
would you rather be fake?
how can people love a mirage?
is it better to be like by everyone, but not loved,
or loved by some and hated by others?

why do you seek phoney affection?
how can a real person love a fake?
or are you satisfied with empty admiration?

There is one who loves you totally
one who will never grow tired of hearing your voice,
if only you would open your eyes and see him
if only you would look pass yourself and your struggles and see him
see him, him who is always there in the midst of our storm
he who is there no matter how many times we reject him
he never grows tired of chasing after us

if only you would accept that he does things his way
that his ways are above ours

Just let him prove that he is real
Just shut out all the other voices and listen to him
If it is real love and acceptance you seek?
Why do you not give it a chance?