i dun think i have the stamina or the mental discipline to continue posting about my Europe trip...
i mean Venice was really beautiful
the sinking city and all that
probably the most beautiful place Ive ever been
extremely romantic,
picturesque sunset
lovely ancient buildings
interesting (and overpriced) local cuisine
best gelato in italy
mask workshops
and the like

but i guess i kinda feel its hard to translate the essence of it to others
unless of course i can post pics of it online or something
but as you should know by now
something screwed up happened to my camera
and thus the pics i took there no longer exist
so in accordance with the emotional angst i feel when i think back on how my camera was stolen
i shall not go on about the rest of the trip

mmmm

anyways
the past weekend has been really really interesting

bjj has been more fun than i imagined
although as a newbie, ive been getting owned by various ppl of various age grps
there's something real and honest about struggling to keep yourself from getting choked or getting ur arm cranked or broken
some addictive reality in trying to hold your own

but im thinking its a guy thing?

oh wells

was asked some very poignant and mentally provocative questions during a lift i got home from a friend
something along the lines of why i havent settled down in a church yet

let me start by saying i really appreciate the friends around me
who have taken an interest to
and bothered to ask and check if im still attendind a church
and stuff

im entirely comfortable with questions of that scope
even though sometimes i dont answer

i dont give a straight answer, not because i want to evade the question
but because i dont have a straight answer to give

its just like how i dont really have a straight answer for why i left my previous church
sure i have several versions
and each, entirely true within their scope(meaning they're not lies, its just that in life, theres often more than one true answer, just some more close to the heart of the matter than others)

mmmm
so why havent i settled down yet
well the answer i gave the person was that the incidents and circumstances in my previous church werent very pleasant, and thus i was kinda put off and traumatised
so im being slow to settle down again

its kind of true
well
im not really emotionally scarred
i think/hope
just that ive become really wary
wary of getting to used to another group of way of doing church
wary of committing to a shared vision that ends up too caught up in the fine print
wary of what comes along with church membership- having to take both the good and the bad the church brings
during easter when i happened to visit a particular church
some really friendly guy whom i sat next to attempted to talk to me during altar call
he somehow reasoned that a fundamental step in christianity was to join a cell group
i admired his enthusiasm and so refrained from laughing in his face, wringing his neck and making a crude joke out of him
yes,
there is a major overlap between going for a cell group
and having a blossoming relationship with Jesus Christ
but its not rational causation
its co-relation
not very significant co-relation either
not everyone attends a cell for the right reasons
and not every cell helps draw a person closer to God successfully
its just what a cell is SUPPOSED to do
many cells fail

i suppose its what we tell every new believer
that joining a cell is the good and right thing to do
and it is
just that we forgot to tell them
that like the church
cells also are frail constructs, liable to missing their objectives
they sometimes end up cliquish, or like a social club
and exclude ppl, or connect on a really shallow level

as u probably can figure out
im really disillusioned with churches and cells

mmm
so on to the many other reasons why i havent settled down yet

its not that i havent found a great church yet
in fact ive visited several really wonderful churches
i mean every church has its flaws
but ive been to some where the flaws seem quite small compared to what God is doing there
and the ministry annoiting/direction and all that?

i think one of the real reasons is i have no idea what im looking for in a church
i mean
how does anyone really decide where the right place is
isit dependant on comfort
or how on fire the other people are
or whether u identify with the mission and values of the ministry
or you can mix with the people real well
or isit dependant on whether u can flow with the style of worship, find the preaching meaninful/interesting and such
or like my admitted weakness, fall in love with the expensive sound system, and technicalities of the band
or are you supposed to hear that booming/still small voice of God which tells you and makes it plain in bold letters that that is the place for you

so far ive not seen any neon signs of big thumbs/fingers pointing to the place im supposed to settle in

what im trying to say is
ive been to a couple of places i guess i wouldnt mind
but i have no idea how to decide

i guess one of the reasons thats probably more true
is that the problem is me
i have my pride
which is quite big
and my comfort zone
which honestly isnt very big
i guess ive been too used to being something or someone in a church
too used to being the one asking other ppl to come visit
or settle down
now suddenly im the lost sheep
and while i know that other ppl dun see it as a big deal
my mind still allows itself to be tricked into thinking ppl think differently about me because ive been church hopping
i dun really want to start from scratch
build new friendships and all that, start service from the beginning, do the socratic irony thing
and all that involved with being the new guy

maybe its Gods way of revealing my pride problem
the pharisee in me
showing me to be that white washed tomb
too caught up in my own holiness/ state of respect in church

and lastly(well the last reason i'll share on my blog)
i think part of me still is angry at myself/other ppl/God
for allowing what happened to happen
im still grieving somewhere, although being not emotionally sensitive, i cant tell im in a state of mourning, so i label it as just another mood
and so im doing what i do best
running away
or as i tell some ppl,
im not physically capable of running
so im just peramulating as swiftly as i can in the other direction

thanks again, if uve been bothering about me
putting up and swallowing my lame half excuses, whining, mock embarassment and mock ignorance
inviting me again and again even though i make it seem i dun really want to go
cause i really do and i dont at the same time?
im not sure if its easy to understand
i really appreciate the care or at least i know i should
but its not easy on me
and i havent been easy on you
well do continue to invite me,
i'll try to appear more enthusiastic

i know i can really be an asshole sometimes, well most of the time
its been touching to know i have friends who bother abt my spiritual state

mmm
one crude observation
its funny in church how ppl will chat up a new person, and if they find out he's a christian, they kinda put an abrupt end to the conversation
this isnt a wide spread observation
and actually ive been chatted up by ppl who actually bother to go beyond that stage and try to get to know me?
but i dunno
im not easily pleased i guess