recently in australia, i chanced upon my uncle's great 10 year plan

it wasnt some big scale project to end homelessness, pretty mechanical, material and grounded objectives

but theyr'e reasonable ambitions and im not in any place to judge, cause when i ask myself what i want to be at 31, i draw a blank

i mean sure, id like to be employed, prefably at something i enjoy and i hope to be living at some level of comfort, big house with a white picket fence and all that but other than that, i'm drawing a blank slate in my mind and its not a comfortable notion. people without vision do perish.

of course ive had aspirations or at least daydreamed of the future, but its nothing i'll admit to wanting now, not that there arent desirable prospects, but nothing id dare or want to commit to

fear and lazyness will probably be my undoing

i used to be idealistic once, i think, now i seem aimless, a floating spectre waiting for something or someone to come along and point me in some direction

sure there's all that good sensible and holy christian mantra about living for God and doing His will, but while its warm and fuzzy, but nothing more defined

i recently finished reading midnights children, an excellent but long book,

one thing that piqued my interest was the idea that the high point of one's destiny could be in one's destruction

and while that idea seems more fatalistic than biblical, i can think of examples like samson, pharoh and judas, the latter two being slightly more relavant, as according to scripture, God hardened pharoh's heart and as for judas, Jesus foretold his betrayal, showing that for some, God's plan isnt prosperity and abundance, but personal doom, albeit for God's glory

why do i mention this? i mention it because i think it's humbling, and necessary

because one must always contemplate that while yes, God did promise that He has good things in store for us

they may not be sunny and brilliant and alluring to the palate

histories greatest moment was brutal, we killed God