mmm
after having floated around so long
i think its true that my spiritual life has taken a hit
and while i think its sound advice to tell people to try and settle down soon
i think its advice that also doesnt address the deeper issues
such as wariness, picky-ness and the more metaphysical issues

do i want to settle down
yes
and no

sure, i want to have a place i can call a home church again,
a service i'll be at
a group i'll label church friends
familiarity with people and stuff
a vision and mission i'll be sold out for and all that

but i think as one matures, u'll realise that all these have their costs, and are not as simple and clear cut
vision and mission are critical, but i need to be in a place where i can live with what the church believes and aims for
people are great
but inherently problematic
and i think the only thing that will make me stick around, and tolerate all the rough sides
is the knowledge that God wants me there

glen has told me several times that often times, the reasons behind church are very pragmatic
and im realising thats true
but im also a sucker for the metaphysical purpose
and that fluff and chaff about calling
and being placed
so how does deciding on pragmatic stand points agree with this

i think im aslo slipping away
i think part of it has to do with disappointment with God
part of it is because going to church, and quiet time dont seem so lucrative
and without a slave driver enforcing these things
mmm

i still know that God loves but im not sure if i believe it
im not so sure if i love God
never did enough
now im not even sure if can even be considered love, or whether it was some good feeling i got out of emotional highs, and good atmosphere

the problem is
its harder to return
ive been schooled too long in the christian way of speech and know the christian way of thought
i can even make myself sound theologically sound and mature if i want to

i know what it'll cost to say i want back
which makes it so much harder

reminds me of the movie taken
when liam neeson's character was asked
why are u so paranoid
to which he answered
im not paranoid, im aware

i know all i need is to want to want to get back
but im not sure if i can even get to that stage

it really makes intriguing footage
documenting my own slide from grace