ive become this duality,
this two faced freak
this double person
one of me loves, delights in the law, worships unabandonedly
but it seems to be the weaker half of the composition

i wish the other half i struggle with was simply a mask
another paper face on display
even that would be simpler, even that would be better
it seems more like the opposite is the status quo

like thomas i doubt, i revel in apathy, i disdain the shows of faith the cries of compassion
i live this whole other life that doesnt seem changed by faith

what then?
will God finally come along and crucify my doppelganger that i may finally stop doubting and declare Him as "My God" and more importantly "My Lord"?
(again, for those who dont know the difference........... dont read my blog)

would you break me into pieces that i may finally behold You
that i would become nothing in the awe that is You

at the sea, i wait on my knees

despite all that i am, and all that im not,
i made a choice,
ive chosen life
and life abundantly
now that You would come along and remedy this mess that is me