is it abt me?

recently i have been thinking alot about the current situation
to be honest and frank,
i wouldn't say that the problems have gone away
in fact, i think they have become rather well defined.

wad i blogged abt just now(the post below this one)
well i wouldn't put a disclaimer that it isn't partially about me
i mean sure, after the Os i havent had the oppurtunity to get caught in the rain on a rooftop,
and some stuff was overly exaggesgerated, like the stuff abt ending it prematurely(i tot it would give it some drama, haha, watching too much chinese serials)
but ya,
i guess i am struggling abit(alot) with certain stuff.
its like my foundation has began to show its weaknesses
and all the stuff i used to hold onto tightly and belief in strongly
well lets just say that i am not so sure about them anymore

to be frank,
i thought of leaving for awhile
some may call it running away,
i may call it taking a break
but it does not really matter
i already know that i am a coward, so what difference those it make?

i seem to going around this the wrong way so i think i'll get to the point
well, as much as things have really changed,
many events are not pleasant
well lets say some things have happened that well,
i guess convinced me to stay for at least some time to come

firstly, i guess it's God and what he is doing and saying to me
but well, honestly, i haven't really given him much space to work with
hai, i guess it's true that the only thing that can limit God's work in us is well, us

secondly, people
funny really,
i seriously did not expect encouragement to come from such a place
well i shant give a discourse about that.
well i just sincerely want to thank the person who encouraged me recently,
i think you know who you are
i must say it really is a joy to know you
and well, not going into the more minute details
well you have been a great friend
Thanks, i appreciate it

other than the person, i guess other people have led me to decide to stay awhile
its really ironic
sometimes, when you clean up after others,
as much as it is tiring,
it keeps you going
i dont really know how it actually works like that but never mind
that is not important
put it this way,
i dont want to be a discouragement to some people whom are close to me
and ya, i guess i realise that even though i am frankly not that good an influence
i guess i am an influence
so ya,
if i wanna help them, then i guess i must help myself
well, to those people, if you know who you are,
well keep going k
we will get there together someday
i hope
haha
but seriously, keep going,
honestly, i think some of you got a better chance of making it than me
just need to iron out your foundation and some issues,

dunno lah,
i want to help so many people, but truth is i cant
i cant even help myself sometimes
im no superman
i guess thats why i was so drawn to marvel superheroes such as spiderman
they help others at the cost of their own social live and happiness
well what to do, i guess i have to keep trying
at least now my mindset is better
i used to have a mindset similar to that of the british national health system
"give treatment to everyone, then after that there will be less to take care of"
as a result, i guess it started to feel really sucky as more and more just piled on
well, now i suscribe to the chaos theory.
chaos is the only constant
and ya, i guess just leave my POSITIVE mark on who i can
after all, im no superman
and ya, saving the whole world is Gods job not mine
just do what i can, and well, hopefully it will be enough